Olivia is driving in her car talking to Gigi over Bluetooth.
Gigi: Mum, where are you? You said you’d watch the children, we have to leave in an hour and there’s no sign of you.
Olivia: I’m on my way from London, I’ll be there soon.
Gigi: London? That’s nearly two hours away!
Olivia: I said I was coming from London, not that I am currently in London.
Gigi: You’ve been spending a lot of time there lately, you planning on moving?
Olivia: Why would you ask something so silly? I’m there because that’s where the family is, that’s where there’s work to be done. At the end of the day, I’m always back in the country, where I belong.
Gigi: I’m only pulling your leg. I know you’re a little bit country, while I’m a little bit rock and roll.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Gigi: I don’t know, it’s a song.
Olivia: By whom?
Gigi: Just get here soon, okay? Warren and I really need this night out.
Warren: We sure do! We haven’t gotten any time away from these kids since the last time you stayed around to watch them!
Olivia: You know, Alyssa is nearly seventeen, I think she’s getting a bit sick of grandma having to watch her every move.
Gigi: That’s why we have to stay vigilant! If she’s showing signs of annoyance because someone’s watching her, that means she was planning on doing something she wasn’t supposed to!
Olivia: Sure, we’ll say that. I’ll be there soon.
Fifteen minutes later…
Olivia (singing) Bloodsucker, famefu-
Olivia hears a police siren behind her.
Olivia: Oh… well that’s not too good.
Olivia pulls over.
Officer: Hello, ma’am. Are you aware of how fast you were driving back there?
Olivia: I… was… not. I was focusing on the road.
Officer: You were driving seventy miles per hour on a road marked fifty miles per hour.
Olivia: I suppose that’s not ideal?
Officer: May I see your driving license?
Olivia: Of course, here you go.
Officer: Olivia… The Princess Royal? Is this a joke?
Olivia: I am afraid not, though I admit some have referred to me as one in the past.
Officer: You’re the Queen’s daughter?
Olivia: And the King’s sister, yes.
Officer: Let me just run this through the scanner and get you on your way. It’ll be just a few minutes, Your Royal Highness.
Olivia: Not a problem at all!
Olivia rolls her window up.
Olivia: Pulled over by a fan of the family, lucky me!
Five minutes later…
Officer: Your Royal Highness, I’m afraid we have a problem.
Olivia: A problem? I’d be happy to clear anything up if that’s something you need.
Officer: Sadly, there’s nothing to clear up. You’ve had three prior speeding violations, and I am going to have to take your license.
Olivia: Take my license? Are you… sure?
Officer: I am.
Olivia: Remember how The Queen’s my mum?
Officer: I do, that must be very interesting.
Olivia: Can’t let me off with just one last warning?
Officer: Your Royal Highness, step out of the car.
Olivia: I figured as much.
Twenty minutes later…
Olivia: Thank you for picking me up, you are a life saver!
Todd: Oh, it’s no problem! You’re my mum, you’re supposed to help your mum out.
Olivia: Sadly, mums don’t always return the favor by helping their children out.
Todd: That feels like a threat.
Olivia: It’s not. I tried to use your grandmother’s fame to my advantage today. It did not work out. What good is it to be in this family if you can’t use it as a means to get out of trouble?
Norah: I would say it’s very beneficial to have a family that loves and supports you, even if they can’t get you out of a license suspension.
Olivia: With all due respect, your mum is Norah Trayman. You know right off the back that that connections’ not getting you anywhere with anyone.
Norah: You’d be surprised, she’s got her fans.
Olivia: That frightens me.
Norah: That doesn’t change what I said, though, your family is important because they love you, not because they help with legal matters.
Olivia: They’re too annoying for me to believe they actually love me. You’ve met them.
Todd: They love you.
Olivia: They won’t after this! Speaking of which, you can’t tell Gigi about this. We tell her I’m late due to car trouble, not because I was speeding because I was distracted by singing along to Olivia Rodrigo, got pulled over and had my license suspended.
Norah: You were listening to Olivia Rodrigo? Wouldn’t have taken you as a fan.
Olivia: What can I say? I like people named Olivia, I’m a narcissist.
Todd: I won’t tell her. If it ever comes out, though, you can’t tell her I covered for you. She has enough to mock me for so as it is.
Norah: Oh, honey, she doesn’t.
Todd: Somehow she always finds something to mock me for!
Norah: She’s just rude. That’s on her, not you.
Olivia: Hey, that’s my daughter you’re talking about!
Norah: Oh, I didn’t mean -
Olivia: If you’re gonna rant about how mean she is, at least let me take part in it.
Thirty minutes later…
Gigi: Mum! Where have you been?
Olivia: Did you not get my message?
Gigi: What message?
Olivia: Ah, this stupid new phone!
Gigi: Why is Todd here?
Todd: Nice to see you, too!
Gigi: I’m late for my night on the town.
Todd: Yeah, it really is great when we can get together, I also think we should do this more.
Gigi: Hi, Todd! That what you want?
Todd: It’s just nice to be greeted sometimes.
Gigi: So needy!
Todd: Mum, you’re staying the night, correct?
Olivia: Yes, dear. I’ll have Fred pick me up tomorrow.
Gigi: Why does he need to pick you up? What is going on?
Warren: Dear, we have to get going, we don’t really have time for an interrogation.
Gigi: I’m curious!
Warren: Curiosity killed the cat!
Olivia: My car broke down on the way, Todd rushed to pick me up. It’s sweet.
Todd: So you can thank us for delivering your babysitter to you. You’re welcome!
Gigi: Wow, I didn’t even notice your child bride was here.
Norah: I’m thirty-three years old! And we aren’t married!
Gigi: That’d be news to your mother!
Norah: My mother’s mentally unstable.
Warren: And she’s our Prime Minister, isn’t that quaint?
Norah: None of us are happy about it, Declan! None of us!
Gigi: She’s fired up today. Is a half-hour in the car with mum really that bad?
Norah: I was fine before I had to hear you berate my boyfriend for daring to be in your presence.
Gigi: He’s my little brother, I just poke and prod him as a bit of fun. It’s not serious.
Norah: There’s a difference between doing that as a child and doing that in your fifties.
Gigi: She did not just!
Warren: She did!
Olivia: Okay, kids, you all get out of here. Grandma’s ruling this roost, and she’s had a long day, so I just want to get into my pajamas and relax with my favorite youngsters.
Gigi: Pajamas? You don’t appear to have brought anything, mum.
Olivia: Dammit, it’s in the car!
Gigi: We wear roughly the same size, just grab something of mine.
Warren: Not the lingerie, please.
Olivia: Wasn’t planning on it, Warren.
Warren: I just have to be sure it’s clear, I can’t have that thought ruining lingerie for me forever.
Olivia: Please get going.
Gigi: Yes, this has been awkward enough, we’re heading out before it gets any worse.
The next morning…
Alyssa: Gran, wake up!
Olivia: What? What time is it? What’s going on?
Alyssa: It’s six AM.
Olivia: Oh, Lyssie, gran doesn’t wake up that early on a Saturday. Let’s all go back to bed for another hour or. two or three.
Alyssa: One of my friends texted me -
Olivia: You can’t go.
Alyssa: Look at this story in the Mail.
Olivia: I refuse to look at that ra- what the hell?
Alyssa: I know. It’s not good.
Olivia: How do they possibly know about my license being suspended?
Alyssa: So it’s true?
Olivia: You know me, dear. I’ve driven you around. In your heart, you know the answer to that.
Alyssa: Mum’s gonna be so annoying about this.
Olivia: She is, but she won’t be home until the afternoon. We’ve got time to relax before she causes an earthquake with her fury.
Alyssa: Okay, let’s go back to sleep.
Xavier: Gran, I spilled water in my bed.
Olivia: It’ll dry. Sleep on the other side.
Xavier: Okay, it wasn’t water. It was cola.
Olivia: Dear, I’m going through a lot right now, I just want to sleep a bit longer. I’ll clean it up in a few hours. You come sleep on the couch with me if you want.
Xavier: Can I go get my pillow?
Olivia: Of course.
Alyssa: I think I’ll sleep out here, too, it’ll be like a slumber party.
Olivia: The more, the merrier! And, Alyssa, that is not an invitation to invite any boys from school to join us. It’s just a saying.
One hour later, Olivia is woken by her ringing phone.
Xavier: Is that mum? Does she know about the cola?
Alyssa: How would she know about the cola, doofus?
Olivia: Ah, Lyssie, you are your mother’s child!
Alyssa: Who is calling, though?
Olivia: It’s your grandfather. I assume that I am the one who is in trouble.
Alyssa: In that case, I’m going back to sleep.
Olivia: How I wish I could do the same.
Olivia answers her phone.
Olivia: Morning, love!
Fred: What have you gotten yourself into now?
Olivia: I have absolutely no idea what you mean. I’m just laying low, watching the grandkids, having a nice time at Gigi’s.
Fred: You had your license suspended?
Olivia: You read the Mail?
Fred: It popped up as a notification on my phone! I have an alert set for you.
Olivia: That’s actually a bit sweet.
Fred: How did you manage to pull this one off?
Olivia: It wasn’t my fault, I was rushing to get here. Also, there may have been some sort of an Olivia Rodrigo singalong going on.
Alyssa: Gran listens to Olivia Rodrigo?
Olivia: And all the other artists the kids love today. I’m hip.
Fred: Oh, so it wasn’t Olivia’s fault, it was Olivia’s.
Olivia: I would never blame music for causing me to speed, that would sound silly. I’m blaming Gigi.
Fred: I’m sure Gigi will appreciate that.
Olivia: Oh, god. If you know, she has to know. You can barely use a phone, she’s glued to hers all hours of the day.
Fred: Is she awake this early in the day? You’ve still got some time.
Olivia: Okay, so she’ll know when she rolls out of bed at eleven. That still only gives me four hours!
Fred: We were all going to find out eventually. Some of us would love more context now, though.
Olivia: I drive too quick, the police have noticed it four times now, and that’s one time too many to hold onto my license.
Fred: Oh, Liv…
Olivia: No use crying over spilt milk!
Fred: How are you going to get around from now on?
Olivia: I can’t believe I’m about to say these words… but good thing I’ve got Midge!
Fred: You really want the bumbling Muppet to have to chauffeur you around all the time until you get your license back?
Olivia: Obviously I don’t want it, but not much I can do about it now. It’ll only be for six months, anyway.
Fred: Do you need me to pick you up today?
Olivia: That would be lovely, thank you. Maybe around two, unless Gigi kicks me out upon hearing about my big mess-up.
Fred: I don’t think she will, not before she gets home. If there’s one thing that troubles her more than you getting yourself into trouble, it’s the thought that her children might get themselves into some.
Olivia: Well, you tried to ease my nerves. Didn’t work, but an attempt was made and I appreciate it.
One hour later…
Gigi: Mother!
Alyssa: We were just falling back asleep after the last awakening!
Gigi: Where is your grandmother?
Xavier: In the bathroom.
Gigi: So she’ll be dying in the bathroom.
Alyssa: Gran, run!
Gigi: Don’t you try and save her!
Warren: Kids, don’t worry, she’s not actually going to kill her. Right, darling? It’s what we agreed to in the car…
Olivia: I surrender. Do what you must, just don’t traumatize the children.
Gigi: I’m not going to kill you!
Olivia: Thank heavens.
Gigi: I’d like to, though! What were you thinking? What were you doing? And you lied about it, right to my face! Using Todd! Ew!
Olivia: I made a series of foolish vehicular errors over the course of the last year, and it’s really as simple as that.
Gigi: I can’t believe this is a lesson I have to teach my seventy year-old mum, but you don’t go around speeding! It’s idiotic! You get caught!
Olivia: I was in a rush to get here a-
Gigi: Don’t you even think of putting this on me! I’m already going to have to shuttle you around the country for your royal events, don’t make this tougher on me than it has to be.
Olivia: You want to do that? I was just going to ask Midge.
Gigi: I’m mad at you. Not that mad at you. That would be, as the Americans put it, “cruel and unusual punishment.”
Alyssa: Who is Midge?
Gigi: Judas.
Olivia: My assistant. She’s somewhat of a dictator, so not having her drive me around like I’m Miss Daisy is a relief.
Gigi: Don’t think of this as me doing this to help you, because I’m still very upset about how reckless you’ve been!
Olivia: I understand the disappointment.
Gigi: The only reason I’m driving you around and not leaving it for Midge to do is because I fear you would steal her car and abandon her again.
Olivia: You abandon a woman in the middle of nowhere ONE time, and you never hear the ned of it!
Two days later, at Buckingham Palace…
Olivia: Thank you for driving me here, dear. I didn’t want to bother Gigi with this. Mainly because, if this meeting’s about what I think is, she will join the rest of the family in piling on me.
Fred: And you know I won’t?
Olivia: I can’t threaten to make her sleep on the couch if she speaks out against me.
Fred: Wow, you don’t play fair.
Olivia: What’s a husband good for if not to blindly stand by his wife’s side?
Claire: Olivia, come on in! We’re waiting for you.
Olivia: That’s what I was afraid of!
Olivia walks into the sitting room.
Claude: Thank you for joining us.
Olivia: What is Trayman doing here?
Meredith: Hello, Your Royal Highness! Always a pleasure to see you!
Olivia: Yeah, fine, whatever.
Claude: Actually, she was the one who suggested the meeting. It’s a matter of national concern, you see.
Olivia: I’ll kill you.
Meredith: Now, now, no need for such hostility! This is all coming from a place of love and compassion and -
Olivia: Someone else, please talk before I lose it!
Christine: Madam Prime Minster, perhaps give the Princess Royal a bit of breathing room, she’s clearly in a dark place.
Meredith: Yes, Your Majesty, I understand entirely.
Olivia: I am NOT in a dark place!
Christine: Of course you’re not, how silly of me. You do sound very happy.
Eleanor: Honey, this is about the speeding ticket -
Arthur: Tickets.
Eleanor: and the subsequent license suspension.
Olivia: I was able to glean that already.
Eleanor: We’re concerned.
Ethan: Not all of us, some of us don’t really care.
Eleanor: Ethan! United front!
Veronica: I don’t see why this is a crisis, either. I’ve had eight speeding tickets back at home, no one really cares.
Christine: Eight?
Nathan: Honey, I didn’t know your mum was a rebel!
Alicia: While I agree that a speeding ticket isn’t a big deal, uh… maybe let’s not share that fact too much, mom.
Veronica: I’m proving support to someone that’s getting unfairly attacked for a minor infraction.
Selina: Ah, good, the Americans are here to tell us how speeding is good and we shouldn’t worry about the law!
Meredith: Keri Russell is here?
Selina: Idiot.
Alicia: I never said that it’s good -
Veronica: Nor did I!
Alicia: Just that it’s not the end of the world. This family is very well-respected, a minor incident like this isn’t going to change anything.
Christine: With all due respect, dearie, we’ve all been in this family much longer than you’ve been, we know how the tides can change on us instantaneously.
Selina: In fact, why is Nathan’s mum-in-law here at all? She’s not family in any way!
Veronica: I’d be offended if I knew who you were.
Selina: Excuse me?
Veronica:
Claire: Oh, is that Mandy I hear? I must go tend to her -
Arthur: Nice try, dear. Mandy isn’t here today, she’s out working.
Ethan: An utterly horrific sentence.
Claude: We’re deviating from the point!
Olivia: What was the point, actually?
Veronica: You’re getting crucified for making a mistake.
Olivia: Nathan, I don’t know if the you quite enough how much I approve of your wife, and her mother.
Nathan: Thank you, I think they’re great, too.
Alicia: Aww, stop it.
Christine: Honey, remind me to bring earplugs to bed tonight.
Claude: I’m one step ahead of you!
Olivia: So, back to me being a delinquent! I’m not sure why it required the entire family, and the Prime Minister, to be here to discuss it, but clearly it’s a grave national crisis.
Claude: We just wanted to discuss the steps we can take to ease the public’s concerns. They don’t like it when we act inappropriately.
Olivia: I think it’s a good thing, it shows we clearly aren’t above the law!
Christine: She thinks getting her license suspended is a good thing for the country! My God!
Olivia: I didn’t say that. Not in those words.
Eleanor: What did you mean then?
Olivia: I’d rather get in trouble for my actions and show that the family is subject to punishment than be given special treatment and have the public find out. It’d be a PR nightmare!
Fred: That’s not what you said wh-
Olivia: Couch!
Fred: Never mind.
Claude: This all could have been avoided if you were more careful.
Eleanor: Or if you’d just stay in London with us!
Olivia: Never! The countryside is my home, it’s where my family is.
Eleanor: Are we not your family?
Olivia: Did I say that?
Arthur: It was implied.
Olivia: It wasn’t meant.
Nathan: I understand what you meant. Fred, your kids… the ones who’ve been there for you.
Olivia: Thank you, Nathan, I’m glad at least one person here isn’t looking for the negative in everything I say.
Fred: Darling… may I say something?
Olivia: Is it in my favor or not?
Fred: Neither.
Olivia: Just go ahead.
Fred: We’ve stayed at the place in London before, and it’s nice. It’s always been comfortable, homey… it’s a good place to live. Maybe, during these months that your license is suspended, we can live in London. Driving from our place to here every day is a lot of work.
Olivia: Well, I do it!
Fred: You’re used to it, I’m not.
Eleanor: Are you really suggesting this? For real? You want to bring me my baby back! I could kiss you!
Christine: I’m beginning to believe I’m the only one in this house NOT getting any action!
Arthur: Mum!
Christine: Sorry, inside thought.
Fred: If Olivia is open to it, I would like it to happen. Besides, we’ll be at Balmoral for a month of the time, anyway.
Olivia: I guess it would work.
Eleanor: I’m over the moon!
Claude: We’ve not yet discussed how we can repair the public’s trust in the family after this scandal. Can we do that now?
Claire: With all due respect, Your Majesty… it’s a speeding ticket. Anthony’s done far worse and we never call him in for family meetings.
Claude: Anthony’s different, he’s Anthony! Olivia, she’s one of the main players in the operation. We can’t have her causing scandals.
Olivia: Would you like me to apologize to the nation in a national special? Maybe we can get me on Graham Norton to address it while sitting between Meryl Streep and Dame Maggie Smith.
Claude: Just don’t do it again, okay?
Olivia: I’m not really going to have that opportunity, will I?
Claude: I guess not.
Olivia: Can I go home now?
Eleanor: Your home in London?
Olivia: No, my home in the country. I have to pack.
Eleanor: But then you’ll come back to London?
Olivia: Tomorrow.
Eleanor: Oh, I just can’t believe it!
Christine: She’s not staying here, right?
Claude: No, her vacant place at St. James’s.
Christine: Thank God. I know it’s a palace, but it can still only house so many people.
Meredith: I think you can house more than, what, six people. I got lost walking down the hallway, took me three hours to find my way out.
Olivia: You’d get lost in a tool shed.
Meredith: Perhaps I deserved that for orchestrating this meeting that accomplished nothing.
Eleanor: My baby is moving back to London, it accomplished something!
Olivia: Stop saying it, or I won’t do it!
Eleanor: Okay, sorry. Just excited!
Nathan: You weren’t this excited when I moved back!
Eleanor: I didn’t give birth to you.
In the car, on the way home…
Olivia: I can’t believe I got out of that scandal scot-free, and all it took was me agreeing to move to London for a few months! You’re brilliant!
Fred: It does pay to bring your husband along sometimes, no?
Olivia: Sometimes.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the next episode next week!
