Patty Lynn and Kathleen are at home.
Kathleen: I’m bored.
Patty Lynn: DO I look like your mother? You’re a grown woman, you can go find something to entertain yourself, no?
Kathleen: I was hoping we could do something together.
Patty Lynn: Sometimes, you act like we’re a couple.
Kathleen: We are. A couple of sad sacks.
Patty Lynn: I don’t need to be insulted, that won’t make me any less depressed.
Kathleen: I know you love your kids, I love them too, but you can’t be depressed just because they’re back at work and the holiday break is over. Most adults go back to work, even I work is far away, like in Milton’s case.
Patty Lynn: I just really enjoyed the time together as a family.
Kathleen: You’ve got me! And I think we should go somewhere, see the world!
Patty Lynn: You mean another one of those road trips we’re always dragging each other on?
Kathleen: Yeah, why not? It’s pretty much an annual tradition at this point.
Patty Lynn: It’s just hard, y’know? This would be our first road trip where Martin’s not waiting at home to greet us when we return.
Kathleen: Okay, we also can’t keep using Martin as an excuse to not do things. He didn’t even go on these trips with us!
Patty Lynn: But he was such an important part o every aspect of my life. There’s not a thing I do in a day that doesn’t cause me to reminisce about how Martin used to be here to do it with me. Whether it’s eating a beignet at Cafe Du Monde or watching Jeopardy or bickering with you, he was always by my side. And even when he wasn’t, I knew he would be soon enough, and he was just a phone call away. It’s hard to get after that funk. You never told me how much being a widow sucks.
Kathleen: Being a widow caused me to sell my house and move into my brother’s house with his insane wife. I think anyone could realistically infer that it’s not terribly fun.
Patty Lynn: I am not insane!
Kathleen: You sure?
Patty Lynn: Kindness is free.
Kathleen: So are psychiatric medications, on certain healthcare plans.
Patty Lynn: Not on mine.
Kathleen: You get government healthcare!
Patty Lynn: I don’t think that’s any of your business.
Kathleen: So, what do you say, road trip?
Patty Lynn: I’m not just blindly following you on a road trip. It’ll have to be somewhere interesting.
Kathleen: I want to go skiing!
Patty Lynn: in Louisiana?
Kathleen: No! This is a road trip! Our road trips are always grand, we’re going far. Colorado!
Patty Lynn: Colorado? At this time of year?
Kathleen: When else is better to go skiing in the Rockies?
Patty Lynn: I’m not a huge snow person. I was miserable in DC for that very reason. I like the warm weather. Maybe we can go to LA!
Kathleen: We always go where you want to go.
Patty Lynn: That is not true! I went to Nashua for you, I went to Kentucky for you so we could see Loretta Lynn’s house…
Kathleen: So that’s two trips where you went somewhere I picked. You picked the others.
Patty Lynn: Fine, we’ll go to Colorado. When do you plan on leaving?
Kathleen: Tomorrow?
Patty Lynn: You want to leave for Colorado tomorrow? Do we even have what we would need to ski?
Kathleen: We can rent it there! You think most people that fly in pack their skis in their luggage?
Patty Lynn: I’m not really sure.
Kathleen: They don’t. Have you ever been on a plane? They nickel and dime you for everything, no one’e wasting their checked back on a bag of skis!
Patty Lynn: I also have nothing to wear.
Kathleen: Okay, let’s just leave over the weekend then. Saturday or Sunday work better?
Patty Lynn: I don’t know. Don’t you haver to find a hotel?
Kathleen: I’ll worry about that. Just focus on finding warm things to wear, like a ski suit, ski boots, gloves… anything that can protect you. You chill easily.
Patty Lynn: Exactly why I don’t really want to go to Colorado in January.
Kathleen: It’s gonna be a blast!
Patty Lynn: I can’t believe this all happened because I answered you when you said “I’m bored.” We escalated from that to taking a vacation to Colorado very quickly.
Kathleen: Few are as skilled as I am at talking their way into getting what they want.
The next day…
Tammy: I’m still not sure why we had to come here today during work hours.
Marietta: We needed to clear our minds. Work is stressful, we need to decompress. Hence, a shopping trip!
Amy: You really don’t think it’s a bad look for us to be out shopping when we’re meant to be working?
Marietta: Why would it be a bad look to support a small business?
Amy: You really have a spin for everything.
Marietta: It’s the hallmark of a good politician.
Tammy: And, as we saw from her mayoral run, Amy is not that.
Amy: It’s time to start thinking of another run. Marietta won’t be mayor forever, and it’s time for me to plan out my next steps.
Tammy: You surely can’t think you’re going to be mayor.
Amy: I’m one of the senior advisors to the popular incumbent, I’ve been in her administration from the very start. I think it could happen.
Tammy: Well that’s not a campaign I’ll be running, FYI.
Amy: No need to worry, I have Henrietta!
Henrietta: I don’t think I was consulted about this.
Amy: Come on, you just got the taste for politics, you can’t want our already!
Marietta: You don’t have to commit to anything now. Amy’s an old woman, she’ll forget she even asked soon enough.
Tammy: Speaking of old women, is that your mother?
Marietta: It can’t be, she doesn’t even leave the house anymore.
Patty Lynn: Marietta! What are you doin’ here?
Tammy: I think it might be her.
Marietta: Thank you, Sherlock.
Tammy: Happy to help.
Marietta: We’re just shopping, mom. What are you up to, in the winter clothing section?
Patty Lynn: Kathleen and I are taking a trip. We’re headed up north.
Marietta: Is that why you have snow boots in your cart?
Patty Lynn: Sure is! We’re going to Colorado to go skiing. Kathleen’s idea.
Marietta: Skiing? You don’t ski!
Tammy: That’s how Sonny Bono died.
Marietta: Exactly, mom. You want to end up like Sonny Bono?
Patty Lynn: I always liked Sonny Bono.
Marietta: That’s not the point! I just don’t want you to get in some sort of skiing accident. It’s not worth it.
Patty Lynn: I’m eighty years old, it’s time to stop worrying and just seize the day.
Marietta: Can you not actively try to die? Please? Just go have a nice vacation like a normal person.
Patty Lynn: Skiing is a pretty normal vacation. A lot off people love it.
Marietta: Most people that do it have skied before they reached eighty.
Amy: Hold up, you’re eighty?
Patty Lynn: Yes, I am.
Amy: You look great for your age! Unlike Tammy.
Tammy: I’m not eighty!
Amy: That makes it even worse!
Patty Lynn: Anyway, I better get back to finding a ski suit and leave y’all to whatever it is you were doing. I’m sure it’s really important.
Marietta: Remember, mom! Sonny Bono!
Patty Lynn: I will be fine. I’m not going to anything too daring. Just a bit of fun, recreational skiing, under the watch of professionals.
Marietta: All right. Try and have fun, I guess.
Patty Lynn: We’re not leaving until Sunday, I’ll see you before then.
Marietta: So I have until then to talk some sense into you!
The next week…
Kathleen: Doesn’t it feel good to get back out on the road and leave New Orleans for a bit?
Patty Lynn: I guess. Marietta has been spending the last few days trying to convince me that this trip will kill me.
Kathleen: Its our kids’ jobs to constantly be worried that what we’re doing will kill us. She’s just doing her daughterly duty.
Patty Lynn: Is it really a good idea to ski at my age?
Kathleen: Why wouldn’t it be? It’s always good to keep active!
Patty Lynn: I looked up a list of the risks, and, uh - did you know Sonny Bono died in a skiing accident?
Kathleen: Listen, Sunny Bozo, you’re going to be fine. It’s a high-class lodge in Breckenridge with the best instructors. They’ll send us on a beginner slope and make sure we’re ready to go before we take off. It’s gonna be great winter fun.
Patty Lynn: I don’t like the winter that much, though.
Kathleen: You love Christmas!
Patty Lynn: Yes, but New Orleans Christmas, where it’s temperate and sunny. Not snowy and cold!
Kathleen: It’ll be a new experience for both of us. And I think -
Patty Lynn: I have to pee.
Kathleen: Can you at least hold it until we’re out of the state?
Patty Lynn: No! It’s a big state! We’re not even in Shreveport yet! My bladder is -
Kathleen: Fine. I will find a rest stop and you can go.
Patty Lynn: Thank you. I know how difficult you find it to listen to me.
Kathleen: Don’t do that.
Patty Lynn: Do what?
Kathleen: Victimize yourself.
Patty Lynn: Victimize myself?
Kathleen: You talk about me like I’m some sort of bully.
Patty Lynn: If the shoe fit…
Kathleen: Sometimes I wonder why I like taking these road trips with you.
Patty Lynn: I wonder the same!
Later that day…
Patty Lynn: Kathleen, I’m tired.
Kathleen: Of course you are, we’ve been on the road for twelve hours.
Patty Lynn: I think now would be a good time to find a hotel for the night.
Kathleen: I guess. It’s still early, though.
Patty Lynn: It’s eight at night. We got up at five. By the time we find a place, check in, shower, and get to sl-
Kathleen: I got it.
Patty Lynn: do you?
Kathleen: Just turn up the music or something.
Patty Lynn: I forgot my CDs!
Kathleen: I have mine. They’re in the glovebox, pull one out.
Patty Lynn: You listen to the Grateful Dead?
Kathleen: I’m a Deadhead, man!
Patty Lynn: And if we don’t find somewhere to sleep soon, you’ll be a Deadhead in more ways than one!
Kathleen: Are you threatening me?
Patty Lynn: No, I’m saying it’s unsafe to drive so long. You have tired eyes.
Kathleen: I’m sure that’s what you meant.
Thirty minutes later…
Kathleen: A hotel room, please. One with two beds.
Trina (hotel receptionist): We only have rooms available with one single bed.
Kathleen: Then we’ll take two rooms.
Patty Lynn: We don’t want to waste money like that!
Kathleen: No, but I really don’t want to sleep a bed with you.
Trina: We actually only have one room available.
Kathleen: Of course you do. We’ll take it.
Trina: Welcome to Texas!
Kathleen: Nothing good’s ever happened to me in Texas. Tonight ain’t changing that.
The next day…
Patty Lynn: My neck hurts.
Kathleen: You snore.
Patty Lynn: I do not!
Kathleen: It was bad enough I come out of the shower and I see the Grinch laying in bed -
Patty Lynn: My face mask helps keep my skin refreshed and keeps me young.
Kathleen: You look like a green monster!
Patty Lynn: Thank you.
Kathleen: Are you excited to finally get to Breckenridge?
Patty Lynn: At this point, I’m more excited to get out of this car than I am to get to the lodge.
Kathleen: What, was ten hours in that beautiful and spacious hotel room not enough time out of the car for you?
Patty Lynn: I don’t ever want to talk about that hotel room ever again.
Kathleen: I really enjoyed having to spend the night sleeping in a chair because you hogged up the entire bed. That was fun.
Patty Lynn: You could have moved me.
Kathleen: You were asleep by the time I’d brushed my teeth. I wasn’t about to wake the sleeping beast.
Patty Lynn: I’m easy to wake.
Kathleen: The chair was comfortable, my ass definitely doesn’t hurt, let’s move on.
Patty Lynn: I think we should play a game.
Kathleen: I’m driving.
Patty Lynn: We both pick categories and go back and forth naming something A to Z in each category. For example, adjectives. So for A you’d say…
Kathleen: Assh-
Patty Lynn: Okay, someone isn’t in a playful mood.
Kathleen: I’m just dreaming of those sweet, sweet Rocky Mountain slopes. We’re just hours away.
Patty Lynn: That reminds me, I’m cold.
Kathleen: There’s probably a blanket in the back. Feel free to wrap yourself in it, and maybe even take a nice nap. For six or eight hours.
Petty Lynn: I have to pee.
Kathleen: We are never taking another trip together again.
Patty Lynn: Thank the lord!
Later that day…
Kathleen: Oh my god, we finally did it.
Patty Lynn: I’m getting a call from Milton.
Kathleen: We’re here, Pat!
Patty Lynn: But my baby is calling!
Kathleen: you can talk to him anytime! You can’t see Breckenridge any time!
Patty Lynn: Is it going somewhere?
Kathleen: We eventually do have to go home.
Patty Lynn: Maybe by plane?
Kathleen: No, we should’ve thought of that earlier. Let’s just go check in.
Patty Lynn: Five minutes.
Kathleen: You were all gung-ho on getting to our room last night. This one’s a hundred times nicer, and bigger!
Patty Lynn answers the call from Milton.
Patty Lynn: Milton! What’s going on, my dear?
Milton: Marietta wanted me to check in on you. She didn’t think you’d want to take her call, since you’d figure she was just trying to lecture you.
Patty Lynn: So what did you want to check in about?
Milton: I’m lecturing you for her. Be careful skiing!
Patty Lynn: I plan on it! Actually, we just got here! It’s freezing, but it’s beautiful. I wish the whole family were here.
Milton: Take pictures for me, okay? And have fun! You deserve it. Kathleen, too.
Patty Lynn: Ah, she’s a bitch.
Milton: but that’s why we love her.
Patty Lynn: Is it?
Milton: I don’t know, it just felt like the right thing to say. Talk to you soon.
Patty Lynn hangs up.
Patty Lynn: All right, Kath! Let’s go!
Kathleen: Finally! The slopes await!
Patty Lynn: Tomorrow. Tonight, I’m sleeping in a good bed, in a beautiful hotel room, in luxury.
Kathleen: Sounds good to me! Grab your bags, let’s get in there.
Patty Lynn: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m really glad you dragged me here I think this is going to be a blast.
Kathleen: See, the world’s not so scary without Martin.
Patty Lynn: Maybe let’s wait to say that until after we’ve conquered the slopes. I’m still a bit scared about that.
Kathleen: That’s because Marietta’s in your head. Just ignore her.
Patty Lynn: You are the expert of ignoring people.
Kathleen: Damn right.
What did you think of the midseason premiere of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
