Our House Season 6 Episode 11 - Our Church Raffle

Our House Season 6, Episode 11
Our Church Raffle

The family is at Jerry and Cindy’s church for a charity raffle party.

Teri: You know, I never thought I’d find myself at a church, let alone one that welcomes these two as members, but this place is pretty nice! These raffle prizes are great!

Cindy: Do you seriously think the best part of a church is… prizes?

Teri: They don’t hurt!

Cindy: That hurts the soul a bit.

Teri: Hey, just be glad I donated twenty bucks to your church!

Danielle: Twenty bucks? The raffle tickets are a dollar apiece!

Teri: Yeah, I really want that weekend trip to Virginia Beach. I need to get away from you lunatics for a while.

Velma: They’re giving away a trip to Virginia Beach? What is the budget at this raffle?

Cindy: It’s all donated! The Virginia Beach Board of Tourism gave away a three-night stay at a one-bedroom hotel suite to help out the cause.

Teri: How did you guys pull that off?

Cindy: The faith of Jesus. Also, I have connections.

Velma: I better go put a few tickets in that Virginia Beach trip, I need time away from Mitchell.

Mitchell: Like I wouldn’t guilt you into taking me!

Velma: I’d just as soon take Frank!

Frank: Where we going?

Tammi: Nowhere, jackass!

Teri: Whoa, trouble in paradise!

Velma: Yeah, what’s going on here?

Frank: She’s mad I put our raffle tickets in the bowl for the tool set.

Velma: What’s wrong with that?

Tammi: We don’t need tools! There’s five families living together, we all had tools! Why would we need more?

Velma: Men like tools.

Tammi: Men are tools.

Velma: You won’t get any argument from me there.

Cindy: Okay, I need some normalcy. Dad, what’d you put your tickets in?

Karl: I still have all ten of mine.

Cindy: There are, like, ten minutes left.

Jerry: Cut him some slack, he probably has to stop your mother from spending their live savings on tickets.

Betty: I’m not that bad!

Teri: You’re pretty bad.

Betty: Why do you guys always have to give me a hard time?

Ralph: It’s so fun.

Jerry: Oh, guys! You remember my friend Serena Walkman, no?

Teri: Of course we do. She’s your only friend.

Jerry: That’s not true!

Serena: It’s nice to see you all again. Jerry, um, how does this raffle work? Where are the tickets?

Jerry: Oh, you gotta buy them. I’ll show you where you can get them.

Serena: Thank you. Trust me, I didn’t sit through the rush hour traffic in Richmond just to wander around here and not even try to get any prizes!

Betty: Just don’t put in for the tool set, that would make Frank very upset!

Frank: Do you try to trigger me?

Betty: Yes.

Karl: All right, I gotta go throw these tickets in somewhere, I’ll be back.

Jerry: Yeah, we have to hurry, too. You never know what the ticket line will be like.

Serena: I’ll see you guys soon, we gotta catch up!

Cindy: That’d be great!

Karl, Jerry and Serena walk away.

Cindy: Can’t stand her!

Danielle: You just think she’s trying to take your man!

Teri: It’s 2024, Cindy! Men and women can be just friends!

Cindy: Yeah, but that woman… she’s a man-eater.

Velma: You think the nice lady with the cane and the fluffy dog is a man-eater? Okay, Daryl Hall.

Cindy: She uses that to get you to lower your guard. Then she goes in for the kill!

Velma: You sound like a maniac.

Cindy: I’m right! I’m keeping my eye on her.

Teri: Hear that? Private eyes, they’re watching her!

Teri, Danielle and Velma clap in unison.

Cindy: Wow, you guys should start a tribute band.

Teri: What do you say, girls?

Ralph: I say you need to stop giving them ideas, Cindy.

One hour later…

Pastor Paul: All right, gang, our party is winding down, but before everyone leaves, our dutiful volunteers have posted the names of the twenty raffle winners besides each bowl, so check on your way out!

Velma: One of us had to win something, right?

Teri: Have you met us? We didn’t win anything.

Betty: I’m just glad Anita isn’t here, because she’s somehow find a way to win everything.

Teri: You talk about that woman like she’s a supervillain.

Ralph: The best part is, she’s about to be family!

Betty: She will never be family. Her daughter may become family, but not her! Never!

Ralph: Good to see you’ve learned to embrace her. That’s so important.

Betty: Shut up! She’s not here, I can hate on her.

Karl: Let’s just go check to see if we won and get out of here. We don’t need God hearing about how much you hate Anita.

Cindy: God can hear it everywhere.

Karl: Yeah, but this place has a direct line to him.

Cindy: You’re right, let’s save the hate while in the house of the holy.

Teri: That’s pretty rich.

Cindy: Shut it!

Thirty minutes later…

Betty: I just can’t believe it.

Velma: We lost everything!

Cindy: I told you Serena sucked!

Jerry: It’s not her fault she won the vacation.

Cindy: And the year supply of peanuts. And the grocery card!

Jerry: Not her fault.

Cindy: You’re right, it’s your fault!

Karl: We didn’t lose everything! I won a pedicure!

Teri: Ah, right. We won a useless thing, hallelujah.

Velma: How many people can go?

Karl: Two people.

Mitchell: That seems like a ripoff.

Danielle: Karl, what even possessed you to put in a ticket for the pedicure?

Karl: Well, I was one of the last people to deposit tickets, and I could basically see how many tickets were in each bowl.

Teri: Cheating!

Karl: I saw there were barely in that one and I threw one of mine in there to lower my chances of coming home empty-handed. It worked!

Teri: It worked, but at what cost?

Karl: Ten dollars. I’d say it worked out fine for me. I got a Valentine’s Day gift for your mom.

Betty: Oh… how romantic!

Teri: Yeah, feet are so romantic. Especially when they’re being filed, that gets me going.

Betty: Stop being a Debbie Downer!

Cindy: You know, if it’s a really fancy pedicure, and it’s for two… that could be a good deal.

Teri: Is that your way of trying to get him to let you go?

Cindy: How does me telling him he got a good deal in any way indicate that I’m trying to get something from him? I’m just telling him that, unlike the rest of us - thanks to Serena - he got his money’s worth!

Teri: I still think you’re up to something.

Ralph: In fairness, you always think everyone’s up to something. Usually because you’re up to something.

Teri: That isn’t true.

Cindy: Who are you going to give it to, though?

Karl: I’m going to let your mom pick.

Betty: Me?

Karl: Yeah, you’re the one who’s going.

Teri: It’s gonna take her at least a week to pick someone.

Karl: The voucher is good for six months, so that’s fine!

Jerry: I have no stakes in the pedicure, so I’m going to go hop in the shower while you all figure this out.

Cindy: Yeah, you better shower! You have to wash off the filth of what you did today!

Jerry: What?

Tammi: I think she’s still mad Serena beat her for all those prizes she wanted.

Jerry: Oh, god, not this again.

Frank: She beat me for the tool set too, but I’m not crying about it.

Tammi: ENOUGH about the tools!

Frank: I don’t know why you get so upset about the damn took set! I put my tickets in for something I wanted, is that so wrong?

Tammi: We don’t need tools! We needed kitchenware!

Cindy: Well, Serena probably would have won that, too.

Tammi: Not everything’s about Serena!

Karl: Honey, maybe you should take Tammi with for the pedicure, she clearly needs a bit of R&R.

Betty: I’m afraid she’ll rip off the pedicurist’s head.

Cindy: Tammi, dear, you’re very easily upset today. Are you pregnant?

Tammi: NO!

Cindy: It was worth a guess.

Steven: I’ve never seen her so angry.

Teri: C, you were so close to death just now. I was really worried for you.

Betty: Guys, stop worrying about this nonsense, help me figure out who’s going with me.

Teri: Cindy has a much higher wage than me, she can afford this. I can’t.

Cindy: Counterpoint: Teri’s the reason we all live on top of each other in this giant friggin’ house. We could all see each other a normal amount if not for her!

Betty: That’s a good point.

Teri: Oh, you all love living here!

Velma: Do we?

Teri: You can move if you want!

Velma: We’d all be financially ruined!

Danielle: In hindsight, I think we should have all put more thought into moving before we agreed to do it.

Teri: I’m not on trial here! I just want a damn pedicure!

Betty: And you can have it.

Cindy: What?

Betty: I don’t like you all ganging up on her. She wins.

Velma: I didn’t even get to make my case!

Betty: Velma, I love you, but I didn’t give birth to you. It was always going to be one of my daughters. Or my granddaughter, but she’s turned into Rambo.

Tammi: I have not!

Teri: You’re right. You’re more like the Hulk.

Mitchell: TAMMI SMASH!

Tammi: I am so sick of today! I’m going to bed!

Frank: Babe! It’s only nine o’clock!

Teri: Yeah, we were gonna watch True Detective!

Steven: Me too?

Frank: No!

Steven: It’s nothing I’ve never seen before. I watch NCIS, I see fake murders all the time.

Frank: This is a little different.

Karl: Oh, god. Why is this family like this?

Betty: Teri, when do you want to go for the pedicure? I’m excited to get in!

Teri: Um… I’m off on Thursday, I guess.

Betty: Sounds good to me! I’ll make the appointment.

Cindy: I’m with Tammi, I’m going to bed.

Karl: Wow, I’ve never seen a group of people so emotionally destroyed by a church raffle before.

Cindy: It’s just a lot to deal with. It hurts the soul.

Three days later…

Betty: Oh my god, it hurts!

Velma: Betty, what’s wrong?

Karl: She dropped something on her foot today.

Cindy: What do you mean?

Karl: We were working at the store today and a box full of merchandise fell on her foot.

Betty: I broke a few bones in my foot, now I have to wear this stupid boot!

Tammi: That’s gonna complicate the pedicure, no?

Betty: You don’t have to rub it in.

Karl: We were wondering if anyone was free to go tomorrow.

Danielle: What time?

Betty: Two o’clock.

Danielle: Oh, I’ll be working.

Velma: Yeah, me too.

Cindy: I think all of us are.

Danielle: Can you reschedule?

Karl: No, it’s too close to the appointment to cancel now.

Danielle: What if you go, Karl?

Karl: Me?

Danielle: You bought it!

Karl: I’ve never really had any desire to go for a pedicure. I’m a man, we really don’t care much about what our feet look like

Teri: Ah, don’t be that way!

Ralph: Yeah, dad, that’s a very outdated way of looking at things.

Karl: Why don’t you go?

Ralph: Are you kidding me? You think I want to spend a day at the nail salon with Teri?

Teri: What would be wrong with that?

Ralph: What would be right with it? It sounds like a day in hell!

Teri: I’m flattered.

Ralph: You would be.

Karl: I guess I can go.

Ralph: Thank god, I knew she’d just keep asking me again until someone relented.

Karl: It’ll be a new experience for me, at least.

Frank: That’s the spirit!

Karl: You could go if you want, you seem open to it!

Frank: Oh, uh… no.

Karl: It was worth a shot.

Teri: We’re gonna have fun!

Betty: Don’t rub it in!

The next day, at the nail salon…

Karl: Ooh la la, this place is fancy!

Teri: Look at these robes, and these cucumber waters!

Karl: I’m glad you talked me into coming here, this is paradise.

Teri: I never knew the spa would be this nice. I mean, I always thought this was just a place for prissy Hollywood celebrities.

Karl: Shut up!

Teri: What did I say?

Karl: No, not you. I meant it as an expression. Look at that fountain!

Teri: Wow, this is like walking into a whole other civilization.

Karl: And this is just the waiting room!

Teri: And you paid ten bucks for this?

Karl: What a steal!

Teri: Are we allowed to tell mom about this when we get home?

Karl: Do you think that would be wise?

Teri: No.

Karl: We’re keeping quiet.

One hour later…

Karl: My feet feel… oh my god.

Teri: I know!

Karl: I didn’t know they did all that in a pedicure. I thought they just made them look a little less gross.

Teri: I feel like I’m walking on clouds. My feet feel… rejuvenated, refreshed, ready to take on the world.

Karl: It feels like I built up twenty years of stress and I was storing it in my feet and they released all of it.

Teri: This was a good bonding day, too!

Karl: Yeah, Ralph really missed out.

Teri: So, same time next week?

Karl: They gave me the bill, Teri. We will never be in this building ever again.

Teri: How much?

Karl: Either you want to go to Disney World, or you want another pedicure.

Teri: Good lord. Well, at least it’s proof that this was better than winning that tool set.

Karl: Don’t tell Frank that, he’d cry.

Teri: I’m telling Frank.

What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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