Evergreen Aimee Season 3 Episode 10 - Swimmer’s Ear

Evergreen Aimee Season 3 Episode 10
Swimmer's Ear

Denise walks into Aimee’s office.

Denise: Oh my god! Aimee, what are you wearing that for?

Aimee: My swimsuit? I’m going swimming, Denise.

Denise: You swim?

Aimee: Is this a race thing?

Denise: What?

Aimee: I was the only Latina on my high school swim team.

Denise: Okay?

Aimee: Were you just implying that it’s unusual to see a US Senator in a swimsuit in their office?

Denise: Yes, Aimee.

Aimee: Sorry, my head’s all messed up today. That’s why I need a good swim.

Denise: Your head’s messed up most days.

Aimee: Yeah, turns out being one of the most powerful people in America is pretty stressful. Almost as stressful as being a mom.

Denise: I wouldn’t know. On the first count, not the second. The stress of motherhood is a feeling all-too-familiar.

Aimee: The kids have bee okay lately, I will give them that. I can’t say the same for the geriatrics of the United States Senate. I’m the senator from Washington, the only border I should have to worry about is the Canadian border!

Denise: Just be glad you didn’t get assigned to the Homeland Security Committee.

Aimee: I’d resign. I mean, I can debate budgets all day and that only annoys me a little, but national security is a drag! I was a communications major, what do I know about the border?

Denise: I mean, probably more than the figure skater, the talk show host or the Broadway star, no?

Gwen: You rang?

Denise: Oh no.

Gwen: Wow, Aimee, that’s a new look for you!

Aimee: Has no one here ever seen a swimsuit before?

Gwen: We just don’t usually see you wearing one in the office, is all.

Aimee: I’m going swimming! I’ve just learned we have a pool!

Gwen: I’ve never used it. I’m rich, I’m not swimming in human soup. I’ll wait to go home and use my own pool in my mansion. You know, I sued my theater boss one time and used that moon to pay for a pool. Damn good pool, too.

Aimee: Thank you for that illuminating thought, Gwen.

Gwen: Any time.

Denise: Aimee, are you planning to come back to the office after your swim or are you going home straight away?

Gwen: I know I’m going home! Long day of hearing Maurine Jordan screaming about the border on the Homeland Committee, I need vodka!

Denise: Are you always drinking?

Gwen: It calms me.

Aimee: Okay, I’m going. See you two later!

Gwen: Hope not!

Denise: You never answered my question!

Aimee: Sorry, I got distracted by the diva. I’ll be back.

Denise: Okay, I’ll wait for you. I have paperwork I’m collecting for you, you can take it home and review it tonight.

Aimee: Tonight? The Bachelor’s on tonight.

Denise: Aimee…

Aimee: Kidding! I don’t even watch that! Aunt Victoria does.

Gwen: And I’m sober.

Denise: Do you mean in general or right now?

Gwen: I’ll never tell!

Twenty minutes later, Aimee arrives at the Senate gym and heads to the pool.

Aimee: Choi!

Melody: Aimee, I’ve never seen you before!

Aimee: I’ve never seen so much of you! This is you… post-child?

Melody: Ah, don’t flatter me!

Aimee: I, just, uh… wow.

Melody: You okay, Aimee? Were you not expecting to see a bikini at the Senate pool?

Aimee: Not really, no. But it’s more about how in-shape you are compared to me. Jeez! I was finally feeling good about myself, now here we are.

Melody: Then prepare to be horrified by what you see in there.

Aimee: What do you mean?

Melody: It’s hard to put this into words.

Aimee: It can’t be that bad.

Melody: Naked old men.

Aimee: No!

Melody: Yeah.

Aimee: No!

Melody: Yeah.

Aimee: No…

Melody: Yeah!

Aimee: No!

Melody: Okay, I gotta break the cycle here. Yes, it’s true. Some of our male senators like to swim, uh… in the buff.

Aimee: Why?

Melody: Beats me! It’s utterly horrific!

Aimee: Someone needs to stop them! Why haven’t you? You go in and put up with that?

Melody: Aimee, I’m a thirty-two-year-old freshman with barely any political experience, I’m not standing up to people who’ve been in the senate longer than I’ve been alive. Besides, look how I’m dressed. I don’t need to remind those old creeps that I’m there!

Aimee: We have so far to go as a country.

Melody: Are you just noticing that, my old Republican friend?

Aimee: Only?

Melody: Your party, uh… does not like me.

Aimee: All right, that’s not the point. The point is, I’m gonna go in there and tell those decrepit fossils to put on some damn swim trunks or get out of the pool because we all paid good money to get to be here!

Melody: I mean, it’s cheaper than a real gym.

Aimee: That’s beside the point, Mel!

Melody: I know. I don’t want to see it either, trust me!

Aimee: Wish me luck!

Melody: Just cover your eyes. Fog up your goggles or something. Or wear a blindfold. No one wants to see what’s on display in there.

Aimee: I don’t want to fall on a slippery, wet floor.

Melody: Honestly, it’s worth the risk.

Aimee: Easy for you to say, you made a career out of gliding on slippery, wet floor.

Melody: Not wet, solid ice. It’s a huge difference!

Five minutes later…

Aimee: Oh, I am livid!

Melody: Did that not go as you expected?

Aimee: I’m so pissed!

Melody: Guessing no.

Aimee: They told me they don’t have to put on clothes and I should be lucky women are even allowed in there at all!

Melody: Oh my god!

Aimee: Melody, I’m going to burn this place to the ground.

Melody: Oh, let’s not do that. Let’s just get out of here, not worry about it.

Aimee: Easy for you to say! You got a skating rink installed just for you! I can’t skate! I swim! Not well anymore, but I do!

Melody: At least you don’t have to ride back to your office in a bikini because the gym attendant took your clothes because they thought they were left behind.

Aimee: Oh no!

Melody: Yeah, I just really hope no congressional reporters stop me.

Aimee: Just tell them it’s casual Monday if they do!

Melody: I’m not sure they’d buy that.

Aimee: They’re not that smart, they might!

Later, in Aimee’s office…

Denise: You’re back soon!

Aimee: Denise, I’m fuming!

Denise: I can tell!

Aimee: Male senators swim in the nude! Just dangling their dingleberries all over the pool. On the diving board!

Denise: Ew!

Aimee: Some are respectful. John Marley, he’s normal. He didn’t seem to love what was happening around him. But others… they told me to be grateful I’m even “allowed” to use the pool!

Denise: Is it a surprise to you that the senate is steeped in misogyny?

Aimee: No, not particularly.

Denise: Do you need me to sign you up for some therapy to get over this or…?

Aimee: I’m filing a bill. This is not happening in my Senate.

Denise: I don’t know if you really own the Senate.

Aimee: I’m just being hyperbolic.

Denise: So you’re filing a bill. What’s gonna be in the bill? “No naked dudes in the pool?” It’s far from the Civil Right Act, that’s for sure.

Aimee: I never claimed they were on the same level. Just that this is the right thing to do. We need to make the Senate better for women.

Denise: Well, it’s late. Let’s head home and we can work on the bill tomorrow. Maybe you can write an early draft tonight.

Aimee: You don’t seem as concerned about my traumatic experience as I am.

Denise: It’s hard to be as traumatized as the person who actually had to see it.

Aimee: I’m gonna change out of my dry swimsuit and then go home and complain to my family about this. You enjoy your night, pal.

Denise: See ya tomorrow, Aimee.

When Aimee returns home…

Aimee: I saw the most horrid thing today!

Victoria: The President?

Aimee: Not that bad.

Victoria: Greg Sherwood?

Aimee: He is my friend!

Victoria: He’s a radical!

Aimee: We all have faults.

Dave: What did you see, babe?

Aimee: Babe? When did you turn into Sonny Bono?

Victoria: Kiddo, I love ya, but not everything has to be a snarky remark.

Aimee: I’m sorry. It was just a very traumatic day.

Dave: Could you tell us what happened?

Aimee’s phone rings.

Aimee: Ah, it’s my mother!

Dave: Of course it is.

Aimee: I’m gonna put her on speakerphone, I’ll tell all of you at once.

Aimee answers the phone.

Cherie: Aimee! How was your day?

Aimee: Not great, mom!

Cherie: Oh no, what happened?

Ernesto: Is something wrong?

Kimmy: Dad, don’t be weird about it, whatever it is. Give her time!

Aimee: Is the whole family there?

Kimmy: No, grandma’s at bingo!

Aimee: That’s good, actually.

Cherie: Why, what’s going on?

Victoria: We’ve been wondering the same thing!

Ernesto: Victoria’s there, too? What is this, a conference call?

Victoria: Pretty much!

Aimee: Okay, everyone let me tell my story!

Ernesto: You have the floor, mija!

Aimee: I wanted to go for a swim today in the senate pool, which I recently learned existed -

Kimmy: You didn’t know? I knew that!

Aimee: Shut up.

Kimmy: Will do.

Aimee: Anyway, I get there and Melody Choi warns me that the male senators swim in the nude.

Cherie: Gross!

Aimee: It gets grosser!

Kimmy: How?

Aimee: Well, I went in to the pool anyway, because I thought I could convince these old dudes to change their minds. Big mistake!

Kimmy: How big?

Aimee: Huh? Oh… ew.

Kimmy: Just making a quirky joke!

Ernesto: You’re grounded.

Aimee: I asked these guys to put some trunks on because it made me uncomfortable and they refused and said I should feel grateful I can even use the pool at all!

Ernesto: You should have kicked them where it counts!

Dave: I’ll do it. Right now, Aimee. I’m going!

Aimee: Honey, they’re not there anymore.

Dave: I’ll wait for them!

Kimmy: When did Dave get so heroic?

Cherie: What did you tell the jerks, Aimee?

Aimee: I left. I’m going to write a bill to ban swimming in the nude, though. It’s not right.

Kimmy: Everyone in that Senate is so old, it’s practically a museum. I’m not shocked that they’ve got outdated views on feminism.

Cherie: It’s not even feminism, it’s human decency.

Victoria: Feminism IS human decency!

Cherie: Let’s not debate this now.

Kimmy: Aunt Vic would win for sure, though.

Cherie: I gave birth to you. Remember?

Kimmy: You did not. I’m adopted.

Cherie: Oh, crap. I’m just so used to using that line on all the others.

Aimee: So, anyway…  anyone have any helpful suggestions on how to get an archaic institution to modernize?

Kimmy: You swim in the nude, too.

Aimee: Ah, yes. Men famously hate boobs.

Kimmy: I don’t know, I’m just thinking of ways to make them feel uncomfortable, too!

Ernesto: I can’t believe the gym doesn’t have a dress code!

Aimee: I have friends in high places, I’m gonna make sure they do soon enough. That’ll be my legacy.

Cherie: Honey, please aim higher than that.

Victoria: Yeah, this can be a nice starting point, not an ending point.

The next day…

Aimee: Lynette!

Lynette: Yes?

Aimee: Did you know senators can swim naked?

Lynette: What are you trying to say?

Aimee: I don’t want to skinny-dip with you, if that’s where your mind went.

Lynette: It is, and I’m sorry to say that.

Aimee: I wrote a bill to mandate the wear of bottoms in the Senate pool at all times. Would you support it?

Lynette: I don’t swim, but it sounds pretty much like a common sense thing to me. I’ll sign it.

Aimee: Ah, thanks. I got one on the board now. Well, three with me and Melody. Onward to sixty!

Lynette: Good luck, Aimee. I don’t really care that much, but you do, and you’re my best friend, so I care by default.

Aimee: That’s sweet. Hey, Gerry!

Geraldine: Yeah?

Aimee: Swimming pool, do you use it?

Geraldine: Are you kidding? That’s a penis parade. I wouldn’t dare!

Aimee: Do you want to change the penis parade?

Geraldine: How?

Aimee: I’m looking for co-sponsors on my bill to mandate swim trunks in the pool. 

Geraldine: Yeah, I’ll sign. Maybe I could finally get some use out of my gym membership if you pass. I don’t lift weights, but a nice swim, that I like.

Aimee: Thank you, Gerry!

Four hours later…

Aimee: Senator Martin, hi!

Senator Pam Martin: Aimee Ferrera Donahue! Haven’t heard from you in forever!

Aimee: I have something to run by you.

Pam: Any time! We serve Washington together, anything we can come together to work on is in the best interest of our state.

Aimee: Glad you agree. So, you chair Senate Rules.

Pam: It’s one of my greatest accomplishments.

Aimee: I wrote a great are rule that could become one of my own greatest accomplishments. In fact, it can really help establish Washington as THE state for rules.

Pam: You’re really selling this hard, wow.

Aimee: I think its wrong that senators can swim in the nude. It makes us all uncomfortable, and awkward, and, personally, I won’t swim when I know the guy in the lane next to me is, uh… letting it loose. Why should those of us that are normal have to alter our plans to accommodate these rude freaks? Well, a lot of the Senate agrees. I have sixty co-sponsors - thirty-six Democrats and twenty-four Republicans - who agree. That’s a filibuster-proof majority. That includes seventy percent of the Rules Committee. If this is filed, could you please bring this up to a vote and put it at the front of the line?

Pam: I’ve been in the Senate a long time, Aimee. I remember when our majority leader, Kate Hagelin, first got here and was turned away from what was then the “men’s pool.” She was outraged, and she did something about it and swayed the Senate to pass a rule to allow women in the Senate pool. Of course, men didn’t love that and they added an amendment that women senators had to wear “proper attire.” Nothing about men. It was a different time. I say it’s about time we make it equal for everyone. I’ll get on it soon. Top of the list at the next hearing, I promise.

Aimee: Thank you! My god, finally someone listens! Those men yesterday, they’re like talking to bricks.

Pam: You want something done right, ask a woman.

Aimee: That’s what I always say!

Pam: How about, once this is passed, we celebrate with a dip in the pool.

Aimee: In proper attire!

Pam: In proper attire.

What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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