Tammy rushes into Marietta’s office.
Marietta: What was that about?
Amy: Yeah, you ran out of here like a bat out of hell.
Marietta: Eh, she ran a little faster than Meat Loaf ran. He didn’t get around too quickly, otherwise he could’ve survived in Rocky Horror.
Tammy: That was the DNC.
Marietta: Whatever it is they want me to run for, the answer’s “no.”
Henrietta: What would they even be calling to ask you to run for now? Dog catcher?
Marietta: Maybe they want me to primary Milton, that would be a fun headline-grabber.
Amy: Yes, the DNC wants to endanger the Senate seat they miraculously hold in one of America’s reddest states by making our state party look like unserious fools. Good theory.
Henrietta: Well, you certainly have experience running primary challenges against your own family, don’t you?
Amy: My grandmother was ancient and she had dementia, someone had to step up and stop her! Why not me?
Marietta: Calm down, Wynonna Judd.
Tammy: Marietta, they want you to do the response to the State of the Union next week.
Marietta: Next week?
Amy: Oh my god, that’s amazing! Finally, being communications director for a mayor will amount to something!
Marietta: That is the worst job in the world!
Tammy: Admittedly, it is an unforgiving position.
Marietta: Remember when that guy drank water and the internet bullied him for weeks?
Amy: That was amazing. Horrifying, but amazing. Mostly horrifying.
Tammy: He was so annoying in the Senate, it felt like karma tome.
Marietta: Speaking of the Senate, couldn’t they have found someone in there to do the response?
Tammy: They tend to avoid giving it to anyone with a promising political prospects. It trips people up.
Marietta: Well that’s flattering.
Tammy: It’s not that they don’t think y-
Marietta: It’s okay. Even I don’t think I have a promising political future. I’m mayor of New Orleans, the hell else am I going to do with my life after this? An oven mitt with googly eyes glued to it could win this state as long as it was a Republican.
Amy: We currently have a Democratic governor.
Marietta: And her approval ratings are underwater, don’t act like a so-called flaming communist like myself could have any shot in hell of winning statewide. I’m done, the party knows it, I ‘m happy to be the sacrificial lamb and land some sick burns at President Dumbass that will be aired on national TV.
Tammy: So it’s a yes?
Marietta: I’m a team player, of course it’s a yes.
Amy: I’m going to write you a scathing speech, don’t worry!
Marietta: We’re going to write it together, The four of us. We’re watching it and throwing a response together, as a team. None of that canned nonsense we usually get, this is going to be a response to the lunacy that that egomaniac actually says on Tuesday night.
Tammy: Oh boy.
Marietta: Oh boy is right! Get ready, girls, we’e heading into battle!
Tammy: I love a good useless battle that changes absolutely nothing myself. It’s a great use of time.
Marietta: Glad we’re on the same page!
Later that night…
Kathleen: Marietta, you look more stressed than usual.
Marietta: Do I? I only saw like three bags under my eyes when I look in the bathroom mirror, that’s pretty good for me.
Kathleen: I can just sense the anxiety radiating off of you.
Marietta: Yeah, that’s nothing new.
Patty Lynn: Is something going on, though? You do seem nervous. A mother knows.
Marietta: I guess the cat will be out of the bag by tomorrow, anyway.
Sarah: Is it cancer?
Martin: Don’t say that! Is it cancer?
Marietta: What? No!
Martin: I didn’t think it was, but she put the idea in my head.
Marietta: I don’t have cancer.
Martin: Good to know.
Patty Lynn: Did someone say cancer?
Martin: She doesn’t have it!
Patty Lynn: Oh, thank god! Did she go in for a test or something? Why did’t you tell us you had a scare?
Marietta: I said nothing about cancer! Stop asking about it!
Patty Lynn: Testy today.
Kathleen: That’s another thing, her bitchy levels are cranked all the way up, way beyond normal. Something’s up!
Marietta: The Democratic National Committee asked me to do the response to this year’s sTate of the Union.
Patty Lynn: Oh! Wow! That’s amazing!
Kathleen: They see you as a big star, clearly!
Martin: Eh…
Patty Lynn: Don’t you dare insult our daughter, Martin.
Martin: I’m not trying to. It’s just… no one wants that job.
Patty Lynn: I think you’re mistaken.
Marietta: Oh, he’s not. They’re just going with someone they think is a safe, boring option to avoid embarrassment.
Sarah: Did they confuse you with someone else? Did they mean to ask congresswoman Maria Landers?
Marietta: No, they meant me. I think.
Sarah: I’ll take your word for it.
Patty Lynn: You’re going to do it, right? This is an amazing opportunity! You can put your name out there, you can run for president next year!
Marietta: Of course I’m doing it, but not for that reason. Who would vote for me?
Patty Lynn: Me!
Marietta: You’re my mother. I think you have to vote for me.
Patty Lynn: You’d be surprised!
Marietta: What does that mean?
Patty Lynn: I’ve been involved in politics a long time, I know a lot of moms of politicians… they aren’t always thrilled about their kids’ life choices.
Marietta: It’s okay, mom, none of us wanted to vote for Milton, you don’t have to speak in code about it.
Patty Lynn: That is not what I meant.
Marietta: So now you know why I’m stressed. An unenviable position, but one I will make the most of, regardless.
Kathleen: Does this mean you actually have to listen to that idiot talk?
Martin: Funny enough, most people delivering the response to the State of the Union don’t actually get to watch it first, they’re too busy getting ready for the response. Most of the speech is already written in advance, and then some writers make last-minute edits to address a few key points of the speech. So really you’re just watching a rebuttal from one of the people least qualified to actually make a rebuttal.
Marietta: We’re doing it differently this year.
Sarah: Oh boy, aim I going to have to deny knowing you when my friends ask me?
Marietta: It won’t be embarrassing, it’s going to be good.
Sarah: I can’t allow you to be the one judging how cringe you are. We need an unbiased third party assessor.
Marietta: You know, you’re an adult now, you don’t have to spend so much time with someone so cringe!
Kathleen: She does raise a good point.
Sarah: You’re right, but all of my other options for housing are also infested by cringe, so it is what it is.
Patty Lynn: This has taken an insulting turn.
Martin: Did you expect different in this family?
Kathleen: Yeah, get real.
Patty Lynn: I suppose you’re right, this is par for the course. Still, I believe in you, Marietta. I don’t think you’re cringe, you’re going to kill it.
Marietta: I’m glad someone thinks so! I’m unconvinced.
Patty Lynn: You always sell yourself short.
Kathleen: To be fair, hard not to start doing that when the media’s tearing you up after every little move you make.
Marietta: Thank you! They’re very tough on me, it’s not my fault crime exists and that we need to pay taxes in order to allow the continuation of society. It’s also not my fault that the city council hates me. I try to make nice! They don’t want it!
Martin: They still hate you?
Marietta: A little less than before, but, yeah.
Martin: Well, keep on trying.
Marietta: Maybe if I knock this response out of the park, they’ll give me a bit of respect!
Kathleen: Always good to keep a positive attitude, even when it’s irrational.
Patty Lynn: Do you want me to go talk to them again?
Martin: No! No!
Patty Lynn: It worked last time.
Kathleen: And you got them to approve the city attorney that would eventually launch an investigation into Marietta, some things are just best left alone.
Marietta: I’d love to stay and chat all night, and dinner was great, but I have to get home and call some friends.
Patty Lynn: Is it Kate and Ellie?
Marietta: Of course it is, I don’t have other friends.
Patty Lynn: It could be Gretchen.
Marietta: She’s busy.
Martin: Is the Senate Majority Leader not busy?
Marietta: Tammy had that job before. No, Kate’s not busy.
Sarah: You know, this sort of behavior may be why the city council has issues with you.
Marietta: If I wanted the political expertise of an unemployed teenager with no college education, I’d download TikTok, thank you very much.
Later that night, Marietta calls Kate and Ellie.
Kate: I heard the big news, congratulations!
Ellie: Why would you congratulate her? It’s the worst job in politics!
Marietta: Ah, always good to hear from the both of you. How’s everything in DC?
Ellie: Horrible.
Kate: Good.
Ellie: On the good side of horrible, I’d say.
Kate: It’s not that bad.
Ellie: Delphy is President, of course it’s that bad!
Kate: We’re making the best of it, but enough about us. How are you feeling about doing the response to whatever nonsense he’s going to spew next week?
Marietta: I dread it, but I have to do it.
Kate: You didn’t say “yes” yet, did you?
Marietta: No, but it is an honor to be asked, and I don’t want to let the party down.
Ellie: It’s an honor in the same way that winning American Idol is an honor. On the face of it, it’s good, but behind the scenes it’s just a mess and not worth the hassle.
Marietta: I’m so glad to be getting a confidence boost from you, one of my dearest friends!
Ellie: I’m blunt and honest. It’s a crap job.
Kate: It’s only a crap job if you let it be a crap job. If you utilize it well, it’s a great way to get some national respect.
Ellie: Or a way to get a coffee thrown at you at Starbucks because the redneck hicks learned who you are because they saw you saying communisms on the TV.
Marietta: That feels really specific, did that happen to you?
Ellie: 2008, I was a freshman senator and I was very loud and I grabbed the DNC’s attention.
Marietta: Oh, I remember.
Ellie: My SOTU response didn’t go over so well among the right and I became something of a pariah.
Kate: In other words, why’d you call asking for her advice?
Marietta: I, uh, I don’t know. I guess I just see the two of you as a package deal.
Ellie: We are!
Kate: So you want my advice?
Marietta: Yes.
Ellie: Well, you’re getting mine! Don’t call the president a “doofus” on live TV.
Marietta: Can’t say that was in the plans.
Ellie: Good. People hate it!
Kate: Just prepare in advance. Every response that’s been well-received has been written in advance featuring references to some of the key points of the speech that we’re expecting to hear. This is all so predictable, so you can usually have a general idea of what points will be touched on before the speech takes place. So work in the party position on those talking points, add a bit of flair, and you’re just about there already. You can watch it and adapt the speech a bit as it goes along.
Marietta: We were sort of planning to write it while we watched the speech.
Kate: Oh, lord in heaven! No!
Marietta: All right, noted.
Kate: Make sure you watch it and take note to what he says - don’t respond to talking points that never made it into his address - but you can’t wing it. This is too important. You know who winged it?
Ellie: Me!
Kate: She didn’t even have a speechwriter. It was all improv.
Ellie: I’d say it was more an off-the-cuff speech rather than improv comedy.
Kate: SNL would disagree.
Marietta: Well, this has been helpful. I greatly appreciate it. Now, it’s time for me to watch… whatever it is on my DVR, I don’t know, I’m really behind.
The next week…
Milton: I can not believe that they asked you to do it and not me!
Marietta: Ah, yes, because nothing is more brilliant than a Democrat from Louisiana tying himself to the national party. They love us here!
Milton: They like me.
Henrietta: You won by -
Milton: Don’t remind me.
Moira: He’s very stressed about the re-election campaign.
Milton: It’ll all be fine as long as I don’t think of it.
Amy: Now there’s the mantra of a winning campaign.
Tammy: Everyone, shush! We can’t hear the speech over your yapping!
Henrietta: I can hear it. I wish I couldn’t. This man loves the sound of his own voice.
Amy: Reminds me of Tammy.
Tammy: Shut up.
Marietta: Why is he talking about “illegals” again? He went from immigration to foreign relations to healthcare to bringing out a radio host’s widow back to immigration. This sounds more like a stump speech than a State of the Union.
Tammy: Well, when you suck at being President, that’s what you do.
Henrietta: Oh, he’s talking about Dua Lipa now!
Amy: What?
Henrietta: He just said “Houdini.”
Amy: Oh, I think he was making some sort of analogy about the Democrats making every bill the House sends them disappear.
Henrietta: Well, I wish he was making a Dua Lipa reference instead.
Amy: It was embarrassing regardless.
Henrietta: He’s embarrassing.
Marietta: We have a segment in the speech about his comments on abortion, he hasn’t mentioned abortion yet.
Henrietta: He will. That’s one of, like, four things that those people talk about. Abortion, hating the immigrants, their lord and savior Jesus Christ -
Tammy: Right on cue, there’s a Jesus namedrop!
Amy: They’re not all that and. It’s just this guy is painfully predictable and addicted to nonsense.
Marietta: Sounds like me.
Tammy: Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Milton: So you wrote the whole speech before you saw his speech?
Marietta: That’s how it’s done, man.
Milton: Only if you want to sound like a robot.
Marietta: Kate told me -
Milton: I love Kate. A great orator, she is not. You need to speak from the heart, directly respond to what he’s actually saying. That’s what people connect with.
Marietta: Ah, you give me a headache!
Milton: Thank you.
One hour later…
Amy: Okay, go time!
Tammy: Don’t embarrass yourself!
Henrietta: Why would you put that in her head?
Tammy: I’m encouraging her!
Henrietta: By insinuating… never mind.
Marietta walks out to her lectern on the steps of the New Orleans City Hall and looks at the teleprompter, realizing that it is not displaying her speech.
Marietta: My fellow Americans, I, uh… I have to be honest. I had a pre-written speech that wasn’t really very authentic or genuine.
Amy: What is she doing?
Tammy: I don’t know, auditioning for The View, I think.
Milton: I haven’t watched that since they fired Elisabeth.
Tammy: The Republican?
Milton: I loved to scream at her. It was fun. Me and Rosie.
Tammy: Okay.
Marietta: I’m not going to do that speech. I’m going to respond from the heart. Like you, I watched our President’s speech tonight, the State of His Union. But I want to speak about the State of Our Union. Our union doesn’t demonize hard-working folks coming to America to live out their dramas. Our union embraces a woman’s right to make any decision she need sot regarding her own healthcare. Our union believes in maintaining international relations with our allies while preserving American interests. Our union thinks workers should be able to make a wage with only one full-time job. Our union is embarrassed to have a leader who agrees with none of this. A president who presents a dark vision of a trouble, divided America. A president who works harder to divide us than to heal any of these so-called divisions that he has identified. Our union believes that we can and must be united as one, and that we can work together to make this country as great as we know it can be. We may disagree on some of the issues, we may butt heads, but we are all united as Americans, and no one can ever take that away.
Twenty minutes later…
Tammy: What was that?
Marietta: Speaking my peace.
Henrietta: Twitter’s loving it!
Amy: Isn’t it “X” now?
Henrietta: Only to morons.
Tammy: That was great. Not what we wrote, though!
Marietta: Can I be honest with you? The teleprompter was blank, I had no choice but to do that. And all I heard in my head was Milton’s words.
Milton: You’re welcome.
Tammy: I’m really proud of you.
Amy: You didn’t embarrass yourself!
Marietta: I know! Isn’t it shocking?
Amy: At least she admits it.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
