Frances is driving in her car on her way home from work.
Frances: Hey, I just met you, and this is CRAZY, but here’s my nu-
Frances’ phone rings.
Frances: Hello?
Beverly: Hello, Frances. You free to talk?
Frances: Well, I was listening to NPR…
Beverly: Your radio is still on. Call Me Maybe, really?
Frances: I accidentally changed radio stations when I was trying to turn the volume down.
Beverly: Let’s say I believe you.
Frances: What are you calling for, anyway? I just left work twenty minutes ago, how did something possibly come up between then and now?
Beverly: I just got off the phone with Charlie.
Frances: What am I going to have to do with DeAnna? Charity telethon? Presenting at the Emmys?
Beverly: It has nothing to do with DeAnna. It’s good news!
Frances: Oh, good. I need some of that. Jimmy and Greg have been renovating the basement and it’s been a nightmare and now I have to go home and face that. So any news to distract me from that is much appreciated.
Beverly: Next week, we’re going to film an episode with a famous comedian named Diane Smith. She’s done HBO specials, been in movies, had a sitcom, she’s a big deal. And she’s a fan!
Frances: I’m sorry to say this, I hope you don’t get mad. I do not know who that is.
Beverly: She’s a comedy icon! She has a residency in Vegas.
Frances: Is she an Elvis impersonator?
Beverly: No, Frances. She is not.
Frances: Who is she then?
Beverly: She did the yogurt commercial.
Frances: Laurie Strode?
Beverly: No, not Activia. She’s the “Time for you to go get Yo-Go” lady.
Frances: Oh…
Beverly: Terrible commercial.
Frances: Well, I’m sure we’ll have fun either way. I love a good comedian, even if they do sell terribly yogurt in terrible ways. Remember when Joan Rivers was on the show?
Beverly: No, because that didn’t happen.
Frances: Was that just a dream?
Beverly: Was Sammy Davis Jr there, too? Maybe Johnny Carson?
Frances: Now that you mention it…
Beverly: Yes, it was a dream.
Frances: We’ve had other comedians on, though.
Beverly: Some would consider you to be a comedian.
Frances: Aww, thanks.
Beverly: I’m going to let you go because I don’t want you driving distracted. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Frances: See ya tomorrow!
Beverly: And, hey. Call me maybe!
Frances: I was not listening to that song!
One hour later…
Frances: How bad does my basement look?
Louise: Don’t ask.
Frances: What did you do, Gregory?
Greg: We’re going to have a professional finish it.
Jimmy: In the meantime, don’t go in the basement.
Lauren: It looks like Nagasaki after Truman got done with it.
Jimmy: It’s not that bad!
Louise: It’s not that good, either.
Greg: So how was your day?
Frances: Do you all just sit around and wait for me? Am I the center of your worlds? The main character of your lives?
Greg: Not good, I take it?
Louise: I don’t know, she doesn’t seem any grumpier than usual to me.
Frances: I’m not grumpy at all. In fact, I’m thrilled.
Louise: You sure sound it.
Frances: I get to work with a very popular, big-name comedian next week. You may have heard of her, as I most certainly did. Her name’s Diane Smith.
Jimmy: We love Diane Smith! Remember when we saw her in Ann Arbor, honey?
Louise: How could I forget? We almost died on the drive back home.
Jimmy: It was all worth it though! We’re still here, after all.
Frances: So, yeah, I really am brushing elbows with the big-name celebrities now. I’m a pretty big deal.
Lauren: You’re the #1 lifestyle show on cable TV!
Frances: And don’y you forget it!
Louise: It’s funny that they consider her show a “lifestyle” program, given that her actual life is so… well, like this.
Greg: What is that supposed to mean?
Frances: I think she means that it’s absolutely tragic that I allow myself to be taken advantage of by some people who mooch off me and pay well-below-average rent while giving me constant headaches!
Lauren: Am I included in that or no?
Frances: No, just your parents, really.
Jimmy: What did I do?
Frances: I can’t go into my basement now. Thanks, Jimmy!
Jimmy: Mostly your husband’s fault.
Greg: Don’t you pin this on me!
Louise: I don’t mean to mooch off of you, Frances -
Frances: Too late to correct that.
Louise: I would like to know if it’s at all possible for Jimmy and I to get to meet Diane when she’s on your show?
Frances: Oh, I don’t know. Who will sit around the house all day doing nothing and watching Judge Judy if you come to the taping with me?
Louise: I work!
Frances: Not enough to move out of my guest house, apparently.
Louise: It isn’t my fault you live in the most expensive housing market in the country.
Frances: No, but it is your fault that you live here.
Louise: You are bullying me today.
Lauren: It’s about time she fought back.
Louise: Don’t you take her side.
Frances: I don’t see why you couldn’t meet her. It’s my damn show, I can make up the rules. Plus, I’m sure Diane will appreciate getting to meet a few true fans. To tell you the truth, I’m not too familiar with her work.
Jimmy: What? This is blasphemy!
Lauren: You’re about to send dad into cardiac arrest.
Frances: Them’s the breaks.
Jimmy: You have to watch one of her comedy specials with us. She’s hilarious!
Frances: Watch a comedy special? Huh.
Louise: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Frances: I like comedy!
Louise: You don’t sound like you do.
Frances: I like Norm MacDonald. OJ jokes, those are funny!
Lauren: Aunt Frances, what year do you think it is?
Frances: Do not imply that I’m out of touch! I’m very modern. Just today, I was singing along in the car to Call Me Maybe! I almost guest starred on Modern Family! Then they told me they were going with that BITCH Nigella Lawson instead.
Lauren: I’m very sorry to hear that, that sounds like a very upsetting situation.
Louise: You mean the singing, right?
Jimmy: I’m laying down the law.
Frances: In my house?
Jimmy: Friday night we’re watching Diane Smith’s HBO special together.
Diane: Friday night is Shark Tank night, you know that.
Jimmy: We can watch it after Shark Tank.
Diane: Okay, fine. But don’t tell the punchlines before she does. You have a tendency to do that.
Jimmy: When do I do that?
Greg: All the time?
Jimmy: Stop bullying me!
Frances: It’ll be good to familiarize myself with Diane’s work for the sake of the show. I fear you can tell when I’m not really sure who my guest is.
Louise: You asking the lead from The Bachelorette about her “Bachelor’s degree” was a pretty big sign of that, yeah.
Frances: And Jimmy has the nerve to say he’s the one that’s bullied!
Jimmy: I am!
The next week, on Frances’ drive to work…
Frances: Can you two keep it down back there?
Louise: Excuse us for being excited!
Jimmy: It’s not every day we meet a celebrity!
Frances: Excuse me?
Jimmy: You don’t count, you’re my sister.
Frances: I’m a bigger celebrity than Diane Smith, and don’t you forget it.
Louise: You bake pies on cable. Diane’s a star.
Frances: I can turn this car around and take you both home.
Lauren: Can you? They’re driving me crazy, too.
Louise: Why’d you even come? You’re not a fan of Diane.
Lauren: I thought it could be a fun thing to do as a family, meeting a celebrity other than Aunt Frances.
Frances: Thank you for having some respect for me. It’s so rare around here.
Louise: I have a question.
Frances: I’m sure it’ll be brilliant.
Louise: When you film the show, where do we go? You weren’t clear on that.
Frances: You’ve visited the set before. You know you can stand with the crew and watch from afar.
Lauren: What about Jafar?
Frances: Jafar?
Lauren: From Aladdin. Just a joke.
Frances: I’m driving, jokes don’t always land when I’m focusing on the road.
Louise: How long until we’re there?
Frances: You are a child!
Louise: A while, then?
Frances: Lord, give me the strength.
One hour later…
Frances: Play it cool, okay? Don’t embarrass me.
Jimmy: When have we ever done that?
Frances: I don’t think it serves any of us best for me to list all of those times.
Jimmy: That was blunt.
Frances: You have to be sometimes.
DeAnna: My god, Motley Crue is here! And they’re looking pretty rough!
Frances: DeAnna, you can insult me, but not my family.
Louise: Aww, that’s sweet.
Frances: Well, you can insult Louise if you want. I always have thought she looks like Vince Neil.
DeAnna: What is your family here for? Why are you torturing them by making them spend even more time with you than usual?
Frances: They’re here to my big superstar celebrity guest. I know you’ve heard of her, she’s a huge celebrity with a star on the Walk of Fame.
DeAnna: Who is it, then?
Frances: Diane Smith! Don’t be too jealous, I’m sure you’ll get a celebrity on your show soon enough.
DeAnna: Diane Smith? That’s your big get? She’s a washed-up has-been!
Frances: That’s not true.
DeAnna: She hasn’t been relevant in at least ten years. She’s doing shows in Vegas now because nobody will put her on TV except for HBO once every year or so.
Frances: It’s not appealing for women to tear down other women.
Jimmy: Especially talented ones!
DeAnna: Talent? Honey, anyone can tell a joke! Not everyone can make a chocolate soufflé.
Jimmy: Frances can!
DeAnna: Not like mine!
Frances: Yes, mine has flavor.
DeAnna: “Bland” is not a flavor.
Lauren: Wow, I’ve never seen two people argue over soufflé before.
Frances: She’s arguing.
DeAnna: You were firing back.
Frances: Do you not have a show to film?
DeAnna: Don’t you?
Frances: You’re keeping me from it by harassing my family!
Louise: Rod Stewart!
DeAnna: Huh?
Louise: You look like Rod Stewart!
DeAnna: Good comeback. Done very quickly, too. She’s a keeper!
Jimmy: Thank you, I agree!
Lauren: Dad, she wasn’t-
Jimmy: I know that!
Frances: Come on, let’s go in and get away from this unbelievably annoying creature.
DeAnna: Nice talking with you all!
Inside the studio…
Jimmy: Oh my god!
Frances: I said be calm!
Marcia: Frances, you brought the whole family! Why’s my brother not here?
Frances: He had something else going on, some sort of “work” meeting. I didn’t question it because I didn’t have room in my car anyway.
Marcia: He works too hard. It’s not everyday you get to meet a celebrity!
Frances: Why do people keep saying that?
Beverly: Frances, Frances’ family, this is Diane Smith.
Frances: It’s so nice to meet you, we’re all so glad you agreed to do the show.
Diane: I’m a big fan, I’m glad you let me come on! I’m not exactly at the height of my fame.
Frances: Don’t sell yourself short!
Diane: Your show is always on in my dressing room before my shows. Sam always makes me
Frances: Sam?
Jimmy: Her best friend and comedy partner! Did you even pay attention to the special?
Diane: I see someone’s a fan!
Jimmy: How could I not be? You’re a comedy icon! Louise and I -
Louise: That’s me!
Jimmy: We drove two hours to see your show one time in Michigan.
Diane: Ah, that wasn’t worth it, sorry about that
Jimmy: It was worth it! You roasted the guy in front of us who almost tripped Louise.
Diane: I roasted someone? Are you sure you’re not confusing me with my pal Don Rickles? I’ve been told we look alike.
Jimmy: I know you’re joking, but don’t discount yourself like that! You’re beautiful!
Lauren: I think dad’s flirting…
Louise: Nah, his face goes red when he’s flirting. He’s just trying to be nice to her. It’s so nice to meet you, by the way! Big fan!
Frances: Where’s Jane, Beverly?
Beverly: You know, I’m. Not sure.
Marcia: This is no later than she’d usually arrive, but she actually is on vacation this week.
Beverly: Jane? On vacation? Since when does she take vacations?
Marcia: Scary, right? She can barely find her way around here, I can’t imagine how lost she is in New York.
Louise: Jane’s alone in New York? Oh, you're never seeing that girl again.
Marcia: That’s what I said when she told me she was going.
Beverly: Why don’t I remember this?
Marcia: Because she forgot to tell us about it until you were on your way out the door on Friday. She left on Saturday and didn’t remember until Friday that she was going.
Frances: So you see, Diane, we’re talking about my assistant, Jane. She is very stupid.
Diane: Yeah, I’ve been able to pick up on that.
Frances: She’s a sweetheart, though.
Jimmy: Can I ask you something, Diane?
Beverly: Be quick, please. We have to start filming sometime.
Marcia: Do we? Would any of our viewers notice if we just aired a repeat in that slot so we could have this time to chat?
Diane: We can’t do that! The people need Frances!
Frances: Hear that, Marcia? The people need me.
Marcia: God help the people if they’re desperate enough to need you.
Frances: We have fun, Diane.
Diane: I’m glad you told me that, because it’s honestly hard to tell whether you’re just joking or if you genuinely dislike one another.
Marcia: It’s a 50-50 mix.
Beverly: Jimmy, your question. Can you ask it?
Jimmy: Oh, right. What’s it like working with Sam? You two seem so close!
Marcia: Looks can be deceiving!
Diane: Not in this case! She can drive me absolutely nuts, but she is the best friend and comedy partner I could ever ask for. She’s the yin to my yang. The peanut butter to my jelly. The Laurel to my Hardy. The Torvill to my Dean.
Louise: Is it ever weird for you two to do projects without the other?
Diane: You mean like right now? No, not really. We love working together, but we have our own interests. She couldn’t care less about baking.
Frances: Well, I know which half of the duo I like better!
Lauren: Do you ever get tired or crazy fans stopping you and asking for pictures and wanting to strike up a conversation with you?
Diane: You know how little I’ve been working lately? I just about faint when anyone recognizes me at this point.
Beverly: Okay, we can talk to Diane later. Frances, we need you in the kitchen ASAP!
Frances: That’s where I do all my best work!
Diane: Oh, I really get to step into Frances’ kitchen?
Frances: It’s not quite as glamorous as it sounds, I have to confess.
Diane: I have something to confess, as well. I watch baking on TV, but I really have no idea how to do it. This is going to be a true learning experience for me!
Frances: I have a feeling you’ll catch on!
What did you think of the season three premiere of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
