Diane walks onto the Bake Your Heart Out set.
Frances: Look who’s finally decided to join us!
Diane: I’m not that late!
Leslie: You’re not that on-time, either.
Diane: I’m sorry, I’m moving slow today.
Sam: She’s very sad Samantha Bee got canceled.
Diane: Where will I get my news now? I loved getting all of my news from a snarky Canadian liberal. Who will I watch now, Brian Williams? Rachel Maddow? Chris Cuomo?
Frances: Oh, honey…
Garry: At least you got to see the Joni Mitchell concert last night.
Sam: Yeah, you and your fellow hippies.
Diane: I am not a hippie. Look at me. I’m wearing Yves Saint Laurent.
Sam: You really can’t take a joke, can you?
Diane: Not on this fraught day.
Charlotte: Why didn’t Diane take us to see Joni Mitchell?
Diane: I told you all I was going to the folk festival, you all told me that it sounded stupid. That was the end of that.
Garry: I didn’t think it sounded stupid. I already had plans, though.
Sam: Yeah, too busy being neutered by your wife.
Garry: We have an equal partnership, you should try it sometime.
Sam: Can I hit him?
Paul: Not on network property.
Frances: Why do we always have such stupid conversations right before shooting?
Sam: That implies that we have intelligent conversations at other times.
Frances: Certainly wasn’t my intention to imply that, because lord knows we do not.
Charlotte: What’s the theme of this week’s episode, Leslie?
Leslie: Finally, someone who seems at least mildly interested in doing her job! It’s pie week!
Sam: I love a good pie.
Diane: We’re aware.
Frances: Sam and Diane feel like the characters from the SNL Delicious Dish sketch. You know, the one about the Schweddy Balls.
Leslie: With that, I think we ought to get to work.
Frances: Are we capable of that?
Leslie: I know you have it in you.
Charlotte: She has too much faith in us.
Two hours later…
Leslie: Judges to the set please, it is time to test the bakes from the Specialty Challenge.
Sam: Perhaps this time, you could let Diane and I try them?
Leslie: Are you still bitter that I forgot to tell the crew not to donate the food to a food bank until after you two could take what you wanted?
Sam: Yes. You know the deal, we get to keep the delicious stuff we love if we so desire.
Leslie: It won’t happen again, those greedy unhoused folks won’t get anything you two rich superstars want.
Sam: Thank you, it’s appreciated.
Frances: Garry, you don’t look well.
Sam: What else is new?
Frances: I’m serious. You look pale.
Garry: I’m just a little tired, it’s not big deal.
Charlotte: Are you sure?
Garry collapses.
Sam: Guess not.
Leslie: Garry! Are you okay?
Sam: You kidding? He’s never been better!
Leslie: I’m not joking, this is serious.
Diane: Someone grab some salt!
Frances: For what? I’d think an ambulance would be of more assistance than some Morton’s.
Diane: Isn’t salt supposed to help someone regain consciousness.
Frances: Smelling salts. Not table salts.
Sam: Garry’s been gone for thirty seconds and Diane’s already picking up his traits. Oh dead.
Charlotte: Garry is not “gone!”
Leslie: And if he is, I’m automatically assuming you murdered him.
Paul: An ambulance is on it’s way and will be here in a few minutes.
Leslie: Thank you for calling, I think we were all too shocked to do it promptly.
Frances: I really was the one who put the idea in his head, so you’re welcome, Garry.
Paul: I was already dialing before you mentioned it.
Frances: Thanks for stealing my valor.
Paul: Technically, you tried to steal mine first.
Leslie: Frances, why are you focused on this when Garry is out cold and something is clearly wrong with him?
Frances: I have to do something to pass the time before the ambulance arrives.
Leslie: Our friend is in need, you can just worry about that instead of trying to have fun.
Sam: Garry wouldn’t want this to ruin our fun.
One hour later, at the hospital…
Diane: I’m really getting deja vu, you guys.
Sam: You know Diane’s upset if she said “deja vu” without an Olivia Rodrigo reference.
Frances: Do you get deja vu, huh?
Leslie: We’re forced to listen to her music so much, I’m just glad none of you have ever let it slip and sung one of her songs on the show. I don’t think Paul would forgive us if we had to pay thousands in licensing fees because Diane has Spotify Premium.
Sam: She has Sour on CD, cassette and vinyl, and you know that damn well.
Paul: I wouldn’t be that mad, I’m a big fan of Olivia, I love Good 4 U.
Sam: That’s because you’re a sociopath. I bet you spell out “four” and “you” like the actual words and not the number “4” and the letter “u.” You’re lame like that.
Diane: Why are we talking about Olivia Rodrigo, Garry could be dying?
Sam: Are you even Diane? What are you going to say next, you don’t like plaid?
Diane: I’m just having a hard time focusing on anything other than our friend.
Charlotte: He’s in the absolute best place he could be, fortunately. The paramedics didn’t seem too concerned, it’ll be fine.
Sam: The paramedics have clearly seem the show.
Leslie: Don’t joke like that!
Carly: Let her, laughter’s the best medicine. I know her heart’s hurting, deep down.
Diane: Carly, you finally spoke.
Charlotte: Nobody wanted to bother you while you were taking everything in.
Carly: I appreciated the conversation about the drivers license girl, actually. Took my mind off things.
Sam: Happy to help, always.
Leslie: How are you doing, hon?
Sam: I’m good, Les.
Leslie: Not you…
Carly: You know, I’m okay. I can sense that it’s all going to be okay.
Paul: That’s the spirit! Always keep the faith.
Doctor: Mrs. Mollen?
Diane: Oh, I’m not…
Frances: She’s just crazy, doc. That’s Mrs. Mollen.
Carly: I’m Garry’s wife, yes. Carly Mollen.
Doctor: Mrs. Mollen, your husband is suffering from dehydration. We’l keep him for a few more hours just to get him fluids, but he’s going to be fine. You can all go see him now.
Sam: Dehydrated? Filming was ruined because Garry’s a moron who forgot to drink? What a Garry thing to do.
Carly: That’s wonderful news, thank you so much.
Diane: I feel so relieved.
Frances: I’m glad you are, Mrs. Mollen.
Diane: It was an honest mistake.
Frances: Yes, because you’re sobbing like a Victorian widow.
Diane: This is all quite triggering, you know.
Melanie: I came as quick as I heard. Diane said Garry might be dying, what’s going on?
Carly: He fainted at work from dehydration, he’s going to be fine.
Melanie: While I’m obviously sorry to hear that he fainted and is dehydrated, I left my daughter’s soccer game for this. And he’s totally fine?
Carly: One hundred percent.
Melanie: Well, I send him all of my love, but I think I need to get back to that game if he’s completely fine.
Diane: I’m very sorry for the false alarm! I didn’t mean to worry you.
Melanie: It’s okay, the fright only took eight months off my life. A year tops.
In Garry’s hospital room…
Garry: Look, the gang’s all here!
Leslie: Like we’d be anywhere else.
Garry: Sam’s here? Doesn’t she have a coven meeting to be at?
Sam: Look at you, already cracking jokes right after your little health scare. That’s… nice.
Garry: I’m really glad you all came to see me, it’ means a lot.
Diane: You were always there for me when I needed the support, of course I’d be there for you, too.
Frances: Melanie showed up as well, but then she left when she found out you were fine.
Garry: Ah, well it’s the thought that counts.
Leslie: Her daughter had something going on, I’m sure she’d have stuck around if not for that.
Charlotte: So, how are you feeling?
Garry: I’ve been better. My head kinda hurts.
Diane: Yeah, we didn’t realize what was happening until it was too later. Your head sort of smashed against the floor.
Frances: It’s a bit of a miracle you didn’t suffer any head trauma.
Sam: I hope someone got it recorded.
Leslie: Ignoring that and moving on… have the doctors said what you need to do to get better?
Garry: I need rest and fluids, that’s all. The doctor said I need to go home and relax and drink a lot for a few days and it’ll all be okay.
Carly: Does that mean we can go home now?
Garry: There’s an IV plugged into me, darling.
Carly: Okay, that answers that.
Garry: We can go soon, it should only be about ten more minutes until this IV is done and then they’re supposed to discharge me.
Sam: You’re sure they checked out your head and it’s fine? You’re almost talking like a normal person.
Garry: You keep me on my toes, thank you.
Paul: It’s not a priority, but I am curious to know if your recovery will impact filming. Your comfort is more important, so don’t worry about it.
Garry: It’s already impacted it, we’re supposed to be filming right now. And they said I’ll need to rest for a few more days without doing anything strenuous. I’m sorry.
Paul: It’s totally fine! I care much more about you getting better than keeping filming on track. A free days’ delay is nothing to fret about.
Sam: We’re sure this is Paul? It doesn’t feel like Paul. I refuse to believe it.
Paul: Money isn’t everything.
Sam: Garry, move over. I need that hospital bed more than you need it.
Leslie: If you don’t mind, Garry, the rest of us should go back to the set and taste the bakes from the Specialty Challenge. We can’t let those bakes go to waste. We’ll wait for you for the rest of filming.
Garry: I don’t mind at all, you do what you need to.
Paul: I can stay with you if you want, I’m not needed there.
Garry: Oh, no, you go.
Sam: Take one for the team, man.
Garry: Have fun filming, guys. Make sure to let Paul try everything!
Later on, in Leslie’s office…
Leslie: We have to make this quick, the bakers are waiting for us and the studio lighting can not be doing any favors to their pies.
Paul: That just sounds wrong.
Leslie: Don’t be immature, that’s Sam and Diane’s job.
Paul: You know what I said to Garry about filming being delayed? I was wrong.
Leslie: What ever do you mean?
Paul: I am very stressed about the filming delay. It can have some major implications down the line. If we don’t get the show wrapped on time, it can impact editing, which can impact when the show airs, which can lose us m-
Leslie: Paul, it will be fine. I’m a pro, I’ve been doing this for years. I can weather a three-day filming delay or whatever it will end up being.
Paul: And, also, this will mean that the contestants have to stay longer, which means -
Leslie: Paul, it’s a rich company. I think you guys can afford the extended hotel stay.
Paul: This is a nice way of telling me to shut up and stop worrying, isn’t it?
Leslie: Yes, Paul. Everything will be okay.
Three days later, on the set…
Leslie: He’s ba-ack! Everyone, give him a round of applause!
Garry: You are too kind! I need to talk to you guys in private, though, before we start filming.
Charlotte: You don’t want the crew to hear?
Garry: It’s private, best to keep it that way.
Leslie: You’re worrying me a bit.
Garry: No need to worry.
Sam: I worry a little bit anytime I’m around Garry.
Garry: You make me feel so welcome, it’s much appreciated.
Leslie: We can go to my office. I’ve been taking up many meetings there as of late.
Garry: You are a boss, after all.
Sam: Cringe.
In Leslie’s office…
Garry: Okay, everyone. I got a call from the hospital today and it’s not really news that expected, but I guess it does make sense.
Diane: Is it good news or bad news?
Frances: It was the hospital calling, what do you think?
Diane: They give good news sometimes, too!
Frances: When?
Diane: I’m sorry she’s so negative, Garry.
Garry: They did a blood test while I was there, and they found that I didn’t faint because I was dehydrated. I fainted because I have diabetes.
Leslie: Diabetes? You’re so healthy!
Garry: It doesn’t only impact people that don’t “seem” healthy. Anyone can get it. I’m guessing that eating sugary confections for a living does not exactly work in my favor, either.
Charlotte: How are you going to work on the show with diabetes? We sort of have to eat a lot of sugar as part of our job.
Garry: It’ll be an added challenge, but I can do it.
Sam: Dammit.
Garry: I spoke with a doctor and told him all about my work situation and he said that as long as I only eat small portions of baked goods, I will be okay. So I will have to only eat enough to sample each one and nothing beyond that. And I’ll have to exercise more.
Diane: I love exercise! I’ll do it with you!
Garry: Shopping at the mall is not exercise, you are aware of that, correct?
Diane: Yes, Garry.
Garry: Okay, because that’s the only time I ever see you running.
Frances: Didn’t you have a diabetes scare a few years back?
Garry: The doctor mixed up my paperwork that time.
Frances: Are we certain that didn’t happen again? I mean, they misdiagnosed you to begin with.
Garry: Pretty certain, yeah.
Frances: Well, that’s unfortunate.
Garry: I’m going to be fine.
Leslie: We’re going to make sure of it. We’re going to have you test your blood sugar so that we don’t see any fainting ever again, and we’re going to keep you eating healthy.
Diane: No more pancake stacks for breakfast. Oatmeal and eggs from here on.
Garry: This is going to be harder than I’d anticipated.
Charlotte: Don’t make the man eat oatmeal, please. He’s diabetic, not a serial killer. He doesn’t deserve punishment.
Leslie: Is Carly okay with you still eating sweets on a sampling basis?
Garry: That’s what brings in the money, she will learnt to live with it.
Leslie: Okay, only one more thing to add, then.
Garry: What’s that?
Leslie: Let’s not tell Paul about this.
Sam: I’m down with that. Let’s leave him out of every conversation.
Garry: Why can’t we tell Paul?
Leslie: He’s already on my case about the three day delay -
Sam: That’s the Paul I know and hate!
Leslie: I don’t need him to freak out about this, too.
Garry: So my diabetes gets to be a secret?
Sam: Finally, something intriguing about Garry. A dark secret, ooh!
Leslie: Just don’t go flaunting it. Be subtle about cutting back on the sweets.
Garry: Okay, I’ll make sure not to flaunt my medical diagnosis.
Leslie: Thank you, you're a doll.
Frances: Can we get back to work, please? I feel like filming for this episode has lasted an eternity. I just want some damn pie!
Garry: Thanks to me, it has lasted forever.
Frances: Yeah, thanks a lot, Garry!
Garry: Always happy to help.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
