The group is at a restaurant in Providence.
Diane: We finally did it, guys. We made it all the way to Providence.
Sam: Maybe we’ll make it to Warwick next week.
Melanie: Thank you guys for inviting me. I’ve always wanted to visit a fancy restaurant here in the big city.
Sam: You think this is a big city? Oh, honey…
Leslie: Does anyone know where Frances got off to? I see our waitress circling, she’s clearly ready to take our order.
Sam: Just get her a burger and fries.
Leslie: I don’t think those are on the menu here.
Sam: What kind of a restaurant doesn’t have burgers and fries?
Leslie: Ones whose names I can’t pronounce.
Sam: We should’ve gone to Red Robin.
Garry: Yum!
Sam: You don’t get to do that.
McKenna (waitress): Is the table ready to order?
Sam: We’re waiting on a dingbat to get back from the bathroom so she can give you her order, I’m sorry.
McKenna: No problem, I’ll check back in a few minutes.
Diane: Thank you for being so understanding.
McKenna: Anything for the stars of my favorite show!
Charlotte: Oh, we get it a lot, but we’re not the stars of Freddy & William.
Diane: I’ve been friends with Sam for thirty years. I’ve endured a lot of abuse. That comment right there is still the cruelest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Charlotte: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to offend you.
Melanie: Even I know not to joke about that show, and I’ve only been in the group a few years.
Charlotte: So have I! I didn’t realize it was that touchy of a subject. She’s crying!
Diane: Crying from laughing! You thought I was serious? This bitch gives me a harder time than that 24/7.
Sam: It’s true.
Diane: She’s the worst person I’ve ever met, really.
Sam: Hey!
Leslie: Well, would you look at that? Look who finally decided to return to earth!
Garry: Where did you get off to, Frances?
Carly: Clearly you’re not familiar with how long the lines are at the ladies room.
Frances: Actually, the lines weren’t too bad here.
Carly: I guess I’d better go then.
Sam: Not. Before. We. Order.
Carly: Okay, point taken. I’ll wait.
Sam: Thank you.
Frances: I met the loveliest man.
Sam: No such thing exists.
Diane: Don’t be sexist!
Sam: I can’t be sexist against a man, Diane.
Leslie: Where’d you meet him?
Charlotte: Please tell me it wasn’t in the bathroom.
Frances: I ran into him at the bar.
Sam: You really ran right to the bar? Are we that hard to spend time with?
Frances: Yes.
Charlotte: At least she’s honest.
Frances: His name is Lyle and he’s so funny and charming. I’ve been out of the game for a long time, but I might be ready to jump back in.
Diane: More power to ya. I think I’m out of commission for good.
Leslie: Don’t you say that! You’re a catch!
Sam: If Frances can catch a man, you can, too!
Garry: If I can get a woman, you can get a man.
Sam: Ha! Nice one, Garry!
Garry: Thank you!
Carly: Really? Thanking her?
Garry: She never compliments me!
Frances: Don’t get ahead of yourselves, I didn’t get a man just yet. We only talked and exchanged numbers. No set plans of any kind.
Melanie: Are you interested in going out with him?
Frances: Of course I am! He’s a man who showed interest in me! And he’s handsome! You know how rare that is?
Melanie: You seem to actually like him, which is good. But I need you to not just settle for the first guy who shows interest in you. You are such a good person who is worthy of love, never settle.
Sam: Laying it on a bit thick, Mel. It’s Frances we’re talking about, not Betty White. She’s no saint.
Frances: Many people have compared me to a saint.
Sam: A Saint Bernard doesn’t count as a saint.
Frances: I should slap you.
Leslie: Ignore her, she’s like one of the old Muppets. Only here to heckle.
Sam: Me? Heckle?
Charlotte: Are you waiting for him to call you or no? It’s the twenty-first century, women can ask men out if they want! I’ve done it! Not that that’s worked out for me…
Diane: Darn, why are we all so bad at relationships?
Leslie: And why’s she asking us for advice?
Sam: Remember that time Leslie dated an obsessed fan of the show just because he wanted to meet us?
Leslie: I talk to my therapist about it every week, yes.
Frances: I wasn’t really asking for advice. I just told you why I was gone so long and you all started throwing advice at me. Appreciated, yes. But not requested!
Diane: Doling out unsolicited advice is sort of our thing. We are busybodies.
Frances: I’m used to it. From you, from my family, I’m always surrounded by nosy people.
Sam: Not to stick my nose in your business again, but could you take a look at the menu? Our waitress is waiting for you and, honestly, my stomach can’t hold out much longer for food.
Leslie: You ate so much at filming today, I don’t know how you’re so hungry.
Sam: Somehow, cookies aren’t enough to hold me over for seven hours. A true mystery.
The next day, on the set…
Frances: You guys! Big news!
Sam: What did Paul ruin now?
Paul: I didn’t do anything!
Leslie: Sam, be nice. Please. He writes your checks.
Sam: I have enough money, fire me.
Leslie: Are you kidding me? You almost burned this whole thing to the ground because you were getting paid less than the guys from Freddy & William.
Sam: Diane pressured me to do that, you know she’s a communist.
Diane: A Democratic socialist.
Sam: Tomato, tocommunism.
Diane: You’re such an idiot.
Charlotte: For the love of God, shut up so Frances can give us her news!
Sam: Oh, right. That.
Paul: Even I remembered she had news, and I’m not even in “the group.”
Sam: Are you still whining about that?
Frances: Lyle called me about an hour ago and said he wants to get out for dinner tonight. I hung up on him, but after screaming into a pillow in my trailer for about five minutes, I called him back and said yes.
Diane: You hung up on him?
Frances: This is very new for me, it was very stressful.
Leslie: Was he not mad about you hanging up on him?
Frances: I told him I drove through a tunnel and got disconnected.
Sam He believed that? You sure he’s not just Garry in disguise?
Garry: That was a low blow. I’m very smart.
Frances: So is Lyle! I assume, at least. He’s perfect otherwise, I’m sure he's smart too.
Diane: If you have other plans tonight, I guess I have to cancel our dinner reservations. You know how the restaurants feel about full parties not showing up.
Sam: We could ask Melanie to go with us.
Diane: She works the night shift tonight, that won’t work.
Frances: I don’t want to interrupt your plans, I could reschedule with Lyle.
Paul: I could join you for dinner in place of Frances.
Sam: Having KFC for dinner tonight wouldn’t be too awful, right guys?
Leslie: That would be great, Paul. Diane, give him all the details.
Sam: I am always ignored.
Charlotte: For good reason.
Sam: You take that back!
Frances: Thank you, Paul. I know dinner with them is a lot to put yourself through, but I appreciate it. This is all so exciting for me.
Paul: It’s not problem. I’m always happy to help. Plus, I trust you guys to pick out a good restaurant, so I’m sure dinner will be good.
Frances: Only so long as you ignore Sam’s remarks.
Paul: I’m used to them.
Garry: That’s what I think. Then she says them and it hurts, so badly.
Leslie: Okay, break time’s over. Time to send someone packing!
Diane: You guys better give Madison another chance, she’s a great baker! Just because her cookies crumbled doesn’t mean she should go!
Sam: There’s a whole other challenge for her to turn it around, Diane. Don’t you panic.
Garry: That being said… not looking good.
Charlotte: Gene’s doing pretty terribly.
Garry: Who?
Charlotte: He made the salted caram-
Garry: I love salted caramel. Salted caramel that was not.
Frances: Did Garry really forget the competitor that was in the bottom two last week?
Garry: It says a lot about his baking skills, no?
Leslie: Stop bashing them now, save this for the show!
Garry: We can’t be this mean on the show! We have images to uphold.
Diane: There’s only room for one ass on this show, and that’s Sam!
Sam: Thank you, that warms my heart.
Leslie: Everyone to the stage, I beg of you. Paul, you see what I have to deal with?
Paul: It’s like hearing cattle.
Leslie: I grew up on a farm in Oklahoma. The cattle listen better.
Later that night…
Melanie: Frances! You’re home late!
Frances: Oh, Melanie. I’ve just been on the greatest date. It was in Providence, which explains why I’m so late -
Melanie: What a wild town.
Frances: I feel, truly, alive, for the first time in a very long time. I thought I was broken.
Melanie: This is getting deep. Sit down, I’ll grab my wine from the mini fridge and we’ll talk by the fake fireplace.
Frances: Don’t you have to work?
Melanie: It’s after ten, I’m not busy. So, what went on?
Frances: You have to drive home, right? Don’t drink too much wine.
Melanie: Frances! I need the details!
Frances: So, we went to a swanky restaurant in Providence, one he picked out himself. He really showed a genuine interest in me, let me talk about myself. He wasn’t just after me because of my celebrity, though. He did admit to watching the show, but he said he’s interested in me as a person and not as media figure. I believe him.
Melanie: I feel like it has to be difficult to date as a celebrity, you know, figuring out who wants to date you for you and not because they’re a fan.
Frances: It’s a new experience for me, but I know Diane had trouble with it. I was married fro twenty years, no one knew who I was when I was married the first time. So it’s been an adjustment, it’s the main reason I’ve not dated. It’s nice to find an interesting, charismatic guy who wants me for me and isn’t some phony fraud.
Melanie: Didn’t Garry get married after he was already famous? I’m sure he gave you some tips.
Frances: Garry’s famous?
Melanie: Not nice!
Frances: You’re right, shame on me.
Melanie: Are you going to see him again soon?
Frances: In two days. I figure I need to give him a break tomorrow, to recover from how charming I am. It’s a lot to take in.
Melanie: You’re pretty much paired off now, it seems. Now I guess I have to start working on Diane.
Frances: Uh, no. Find someone for Charlotte first. Diane’s a tough nut to crack. Also, you did nothing to help me with dating.
Melanie: I’ve provided emotional support in America’s most romantic location. I helped.
Frances: We’re not in Hawaii.
Melanie: Don’t underestimate the romantic seaside paradise of Rhode Island! We’re like Hawaii, but not an island. Ironic, really.
Two nights later, at the Biannio Ristorante in Providence…
Frances: I’m so sorry I was gone so long. I promise I didn’t find another man to talk to, the bathroom line truly was so long.
Lyle: Frances, I haven’t been myself tonight.
Frances: I haven’t noticed anything.
Lyle: You barely know me, that would explain it.
Frances: Guess it would. What’s wrong, though?
Lyle: I haven’t been fully honest with you about something, and something came out that necessitates me telling you about it right away.
Frances: Are you married? Is she here? Is she the waitress? I knew she was looking at you funny! I assumed it was be-
Lyle: I’m not married.
Frances: I knew it. You’re too good to be some disgusting cheater. What’s wrong, then?
Lyle: I don’t live in Rhode Island. I’m only here for work.
Frances: Oh, me too! Fun coincidence! Right?
Lyle: You seem a little anxious tonight.
Frances: You’re freaking me out, I’m sweating like a whore in church.
Lyle: I’m on a business trip. It was supposed to last two months as I oversaw the opening of a new branch, but my bosses back in Detroit are calling me back. I have to fly home on Friday.
Frances: You’re coming back, right?
Lyle: Well…
Frances: Lyle…
Lyle: I don’t think I’ll be back.
Frances: Why didn’t you tell me? I told you I only work here half the year!
Lyle: I only thought we were going to have a fun little dinner and go our separate ways, I didn’t expect us to hit it off like we did. I’m sorry I feel like I’ve let you on.
Frances: You betrayed me.
Lyle: I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.
Frances: And I know that you’ll never feel sorry for the way I hurt.
Lyle: I am, really.
Frances: Guess you didn’t cheat, but you’re still a traitor!
Waitress: You skipped a few lyrics in that song.
Frances: I skipped to the relevant part, butt out.
Lyle: Frances, are you okay?
Frances: I will be. Eventually. See you, Lyle.
Lyle: Aren’t you going to finish dinner?
Frances: I’ve had fun, but I can’t let myself get any further invested in a relationship that won’t go anywhere. Thank you for opening my eyes and showing me that I’ve still got it.
Later that night, Frances knocks on Diane and Sam’s door.
Sam: Someone’s back early from her date.
Diane: Your eyes are red! Were you smoking pot or crying?
Sam: She doesn’t smell like Pepé Le Pew, so I’d guess crying.
Diane: What happened, honey?
Frances: He has to go back to Detroit.
Diane: Detroit?
Frances: Yeah, he lives in Detroit. Just here on business!
Diane: Ah, that’s terrible!
Frances: You want to know the worst part?
Sam: He’s married?
Frances: No, after he told me, I stood up and recited Olivia Rodrigo lyrics for the whole restaurant to hear.
Sam: You did not…
Diane: I hope I played some small part in helping you heal.
Frances: You know, she’s very relatable, Diane. You’re right.
Diane: There’s a reason she’s my favorite pop princess.
Sam: Mine’s Debbie Gibson. I had such a crush on her.
Diane: So, how you feeling now? Still glad you went on that date and got back out there, I hope
Frances: I am glad I did it. He was a good guy, it just didn’t work out. It was a good foray back into dating. I really am ready now to explore my options again. Maybe I’ll find a keeper this time.
Sam: Thank god I suggested we eat in Providence. I gave Frances her groove back!
Frances: Yeah, we’re going to avoid Providence for a while. Just too soon to return.
Sam: That’s fair. I refused to set foot in Nevada for like three years after one of my girlfriends broke up with me there.
Diane: You want to stay and watch some TV with us before we head to bed? It might be good to be around friends.
Frances: What are you watching?
Diane: Um… The Bachelorette…
Sam: There’s two now! Riveting stuff!
Frances: I think I’ll pass.
Diane: What if we watch Press Your Luck? That’s fun!
Sam: Elizabeth Banks… whew.
Diane: Sam! You’re married!
Sam: Nicolle’s not here, she doesn’t need to know!
Frances: Yeah, we can watch that. Thanks for being here for me. It helps to have a shoulder to cry on.
Sam: Please don’t literally cry on my shoulder, this is dry clean only.
Diane: This is what friends are for! Getting through hard times.
Sam: Precisely why Garry is not here.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
