Melanie is in the lobby of the Riviera Inn when she hears something outside and walks out.
Melanie: Is someone there?
Sam: It’s just us!
Garry: Do you investigate every strange noise outside the hotel? That seems to be above your job description.
Melanie: It sounded like something dying out here.
Sam: That’s only Charlotte, all these years on earth and she still doesn’t know how to pack. Now she’s struggling to drag her luggage in. Hard to feel sympathy over it.
Charlotte: We’re going to be here for months, I must be prepared.
Frances: Yeah, not all of us can rotate between the same three suits.
Sam: I wear more than that. Though, maybe Charlotte could stand to reuse outfits like I do. Not every outfit expires after one use. We have a washer. There’s a dry cleaner down the road.
Charlotte: I reuse outfits all the time.
Sam: Bikinis don’t count.
Charlotte: I don’t wear bikinis!
Sam: Monokinis don’t count either.
Charlotte: Got me there.
Melanie: So you’re all good?
Charlotte: I could use a bit of help.
Diane: I can help!
Charlotte: Are you insane?
Diane: What? I’m fine!
Charlotte: Darling, you collapsed outside the Los Angeles City Hall less than a week ago while protesting.
Leslie: It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen!
Diane: I was dehydrated! I’m not some old lady that’s helpless and can’t do anything. And I’m not a cancer patient anymore. I have a clean bill of health.
Charlotte: Okay, take my bag.
Diane: Thank you! See, I can - my god, what do you have in here? Bricks?
Melanie: Just hand it here. I have a kid who is prone to falling asleep on the couch. I’m used to lugging around sixty points of dead weight.
Charlotte: You are a blessing.
Melanie: Damn, Charlotte. Are you transporting a body in here?
Carly: Am I the only normal one here?
Sam: You married Garry, you’re the craziest of all.
Garry: You bully me.
Sam: I enjoy it.
Frances: Ah, good to be back. Together again!
Diane: We never really were apart, were we?
Frances: Thanks to you…
Diane: I kept us together.
Sam: Never let it happen again.
Melanie: I’ve missed you guys. Everyone else here is so sane.
Sam: Don’t have to worry about sanity for three whole months!
Melanie: Lucky me!
The next day, at the Bake Your Heart Out studio…
Diane: I can’t believe we’re finally back! I could cry.
Sam: Paul’s not here yet, no need to cry.
Frances: Oh, God. It’s been so long, I forgot he insists on coming here for filming.
Leslie: He signs the checks, hard to argue with him asking to observe to proceedings.
Sam: What will he do if you say no? Cancel us?
Leslie: He’s really grown a lot as a person. He’s a nice guy.
Frances: Let’s not go crazy.
Sam: Thank god I haven’t gotten my makeup done yet. I’m laughing so hard, my eyes are watering.
Diane: Stop arguing about Paul and take this in! We’re back, guys! The gang is back, in our studio, ready to make TV magic again! Isn’t this great?
Garry: I agree, it’s great!
Sam: Wow, you got Garry on your side. That’s an accomplishment!
Diane: Why are you acting like you're not excited to be back to work?
sam: Because it’s work. I’m glad I’ve got a job, I’m glad this job is the one I have, but I’m not going to act like I’m walking into Disney World when I walk onto the same kitchen set I’ve been working on for years.
Diane: Some of us didn’t know if they’d ever get to see this place again, so maybe think about that.
Sam: I didn’t mean to discount your excitement. I was only explaining why I’m not as wide-eyed as you.
Diane: Because you always knew you’d be able to come back! Now, I’m heading to my dressing room.
Frances: I’d say the first day back is already off to a swimming start!
Charlotte: A drowning start is more like it.
Leslie: Everyone just, uh… go get ready, okay?
Frances: Will do. Let me Febreze my dressing room first, though.
Sam: Why, did you crap in there or something?
Frances: See, this is why Diane’s mad at you. Rudeness like that.
Sam: It was a joke!
Charlotte: We’re falling apart, Leslie.
Leslie: What else is new?
One hour later…
Leslie: Everyone to the set, please! Everyone to the set!
Garry: I’m here and I’m ready!
Leslie: I appreciate it, Garry. Although, you sure about that shirt?
Garry: What’s wrong with it?
Leslie: It’s great, it’s great.
Diane: I’m here.
Leslie: My god, Diane? Are you having an allergic reaction? Your eyes are all red and puffy.
Diane: It’s nothing, just emotions.
Leslie: Oh, Diane!
Diane: People are always saying that to me.
Leslie: What are you so emotional about?
Diane: I’m grateful to be back, that’s all. I said it all earlier.
Leslie: You were serious about crying? I thought you were just trying to hype us up. Everyone else looked like they just took some downers.
Diane: They don’t appreciate the job like I do, I guess.
Leslie: I don’t know if anyone appreciates any job like you do.
Diane: I’ve always loved it because I get to work with my best friends and I get to bring joy to people. Not being able to work again was the greatest fear I had after the diagnosis, even worse than the fear I had of dying.
Leslie: You’re gonna make me cry.
Garry: Me too!
Leslie: That doesn’t take much.
Diane: I’m overjoyed to be back. Even with Sam being a pain in the ass. No like that’s news to anyone.
Sam: What am I walking into?
Garry: Emotion. Humanity. Real people sharing re-
Sam: Shut up, Garry.
Frances: As always, that was fully deserved.
Sam: Are we going to get to work now or…?
Leslie: We’re having a moment.
Sam: Well, have your moment. Charlotte doesn’t seem to be ready, anyway.
Frances: She wins one Oscar and thinks that excuses taking an hour longer to get ready than the rest of us. That win has gone to her head.
Sam: Let her be a diva, every show needs one.
Frances: I always thought Garry was our diva.
Sam: Nah, he’s just annoying. None of the fun added perks that come along with a truly great diva.
Garry: I’m right here!
Charlotte: Are we ready to film?
Sam: Ah, look. Kate Bush finally ran down that hill.
Charlotte: You might have said that as an insult, but I take it as a compliment. The woman’s our greatest national treasure.
Garry: Was she married to George?
Charlotte: I could kill you for that.
Garry: I take that as a “no.”
Leslie: Okay, let’s start filming up before there’s a murder on the set.
Diane: I want nothing more.
Sam: Diane, your face looks like a tomato.
Diane: I’ve never, ever been happier.
Frances: I see Diane watched Euphoria over the hiatus.
Diane: Far too raunchy but it’s a hell of a story.
Sam: She’s crying about the drugs and boobs show, oh my god.
Leslie: To the set, now!
Sam: Look at her! Is she camera ready?
Leslie: If they could make De Niro look forty in The Irishman -
Frances: They didn’t, by the way.
Leslie: - I can make Diane’s face look less like Niagara Falls. Onward!
On the set, as filming rolls…
Diane: Hello and welcome to the all-new season of Bake Your Heart Out! We’ve been gone longer than usual, but we’re so glad to be back.
Sam: Twelve of America’s greatest amateur bakers have traveled to Rhode Island to show off their skills and bake their hearts out! Now, let’s introduce our cast!
Diane: Gene is a firefighter from San Diego - will he be able to heat up this competition?
Sam: I don’t firefighters do the heating.
Diane: Don’t overthink it.
Sam: Helen from Wichita Falls makes her living as a principal. Time to give ‘em hell..en.
Diane: Jorge is a rideshare driver from Tucson who is über excited to be here!
Sam: LeAnne is a waitress from Orem, Utah hoping to serve up a winning bake.
Diane: That was cheesy.
Sam: Not as cheesy as the danishes in pastry week.
Diane: Lenora is a retiree from Savannah, Georgia, and she’s a real peach!
Sam: These puns are running on fumes.
Diane: Lorenzo is a baseball player and a bar owner from Indianapolis. What an overachiever!
Sam: Madison is a model from Seattle. Pretty and she can bake, lucky her!
Diane: We don’t know if she can bake yet!
Sam: Marcus is a layer from Paramus, New Jersey. I’d say I don’t know why a lawyer would do this show, but I’m pretty sure getting out of Paramus has something to do with it.
Diane: That was just mean, there was no joke there.
Sam: The joke is New Jersey.
Diane: There are very fine people from Jersey!
Sam: Patrice is a project manager from Madison, Wisconsin.
Diane: We have a contestant named Madison and one from Madison? And they aren’t the same person?
Sam: Crazy world we live in, huh?
Diane: Olivia is a figure skater from Philadelphia who will hope her bakes are sweet and not sour.
Sam: Ugh.
Diane: She’s going to go one step forward and hopefully not three steps back.
Sam: Enough!
Diane: For you.
Sam: Olivia Rodrigo is going to sue us.
Diane: She’s free to do so if she wants, she’s a national treasure.
Sam: Patrice is a park ranger from Bar Harbor, Maine, who will hope to park herself in this competition until the bitter end.
Diane: Trevor is an author from White Plains, New York who is hoping his time on the show will be a fairytale!
Sam: And, finally, Victor is a DMV worker from Novi, Michigan who is hoping to be victorious in this competition!
Diane: And with that, we have a cast! Y’all want to hear what we need you to do for the Specialty Challenge?
Lorenzo: Please, I can hardly contain my excitement!
Diane: Looks like Lorenzo is glad to be here!
Sam: Good thing someone is.
Diane: Frances, you want to explain this season’s first Specialty Challenge?
Frances: Am I a host now?
Diane: Just thought you’d like to talk. Not used to you being so quiet!
Frances: This week, we’re asking you to bake two different types of cookie that tell us something unique about yourself. They can be any flavor or style or design, as long as they give us some insight into your lives.
Lorenzo: This is such an iconic challenge! I have the perfect idea!
Sam: It is a returning favorite, we do it just about every year.
Lorenzo: Trust me, I know!
Diane: I think Lorenzo talks even more than Frances!
Lorenzo: It’s an honor just to be compared to her. In any way!
Frances: Buttering up the judges won’t work! But it is very much appreciated.
Sam: You have two hours for this challenge, good luck!
Two hours later…
Sam: All right, time to show off your bakes!
Diane: Lorenzo, you’re first!
Lorenzo: Me? First?
Diane: I believe you’re the only Lorenzo here, yes.
Garry: What did you make for us, Lorenzo?
Lorenzo: You’re Garry! Garry’s talking to me!
Sam: A lot of people say that. Usually in a terrified, worried tone.
Garry: You’re just jealous that I have a fan.
Lorenzo: I’m a fan of all of you! Even Charlotte
Sam: Ha!
Charlotte: “Even Charlotte?”
Lorenzo: You’re the only one I hadn’t spoken to yet. I didn’t mean it in a negative way.
Charlotte: Let’s say I believe that.
Frances: Lorenzo, we have to keep the flow going. What’d you make for us?
Lorenzo: I made a cotton candy-flavored cookie shaped like a baseball mitt and a ginger snap shaped like cotton candy.
Garry: So, um, how do I put this nicely?
Charlotte: There isn’t any icing on it, Lorenzo.
Garry: Yeah, that.
Lorenzo: I ran out of time, I’m sorry!
Frances: I can hardly tell what either is supposed to be, unfortunately. Maybe the taste can overpower that, though!
Lorenzo: I sure hope so!
Garry: Wow, that is…
Charlotte: It’s a cookie with cotton candy in it. For sure.
Garry: It is… definitely that.
Diane: Thank you, Lorenzo.
Sam: Does anyone have any milk? Or water? The flavor, it lingers.
Lorenzo: I feel like I’ve let you all down, and I am so sorry.
Frances: No need to apolog-
Charlotte: Why’s he kneeling?
Lorenzo: Please forgive me, you are my favorite people on this earth.
Garry: You are forgiven.
Lorenzo: Thank you, Garry!
Sam: Don’t hear that every day!
Lorenzo: I will never forget this kindness.
Garry: It’s nothing, really.
Later that day, at the hotel…
Melanie: How was the first day back?
Sam: Remember that time I had a stalker?
Melanie: I thought that was Diane? Who would want to stalk you?
Garry: Ha!
Sam: I’m more frightened than I was then.
Frances: I’m more frightened than the time we were held hostage at gunpoint!
Melanie: What are you scared of?
Sam: There’s a man on our show buy the name of Lorenzo. He seems to think we’re all gods who walk on water.
Charlotte: Not me! I’m an Oscar winner! What did I do wrong?
Sam: It’s frightening to be looked up to in such a way.
Frances: Especially since we have to send him home tomorrow!
Melanie: You do?
Frances: Oh, he’s awful.
Garry: He put cotton candy inside of cookies.
Frances: A cookie the was shaped like a scrotum, I might add.
Charlotte: A soggy scrotum.
Melanie: Ew.
Charlotte: How did he even get on the show?
Leslie: He won a contest we had to find the biggest superfan. The winner got to be on the show. Paul assumed that the biggest superfine would have some baking ability.
Frances: Well, Paul thought wrong.
Sam: Paul frequently does.
Diane: I don’t know how he’s going to react tomorrow, and I don’t think I want to know.
Sam: I’m wearing a bulletproof vest just in case. Can’t be too careful these days.
Diane: He’s not going to kill us. He’ll kill Charlotte.
Charlotte: It’s going to be like The Bodyguard all over again.
Sam: I am obviously the multitalented, gorgeous Whitney Houston. And you’re the handsome Kevin Costner.
Charlotte: I hope you have your bulletproof vest on now, because you’re going to need it!
Leslie: In other words, Melanie, it’s good to be back.
The next day…
Diane: Congratulations, Madison, you are this week’s Top Baker! Trevor, Leanne, you are also safe.
Sam: Gene, Jorge, Lenora, Olivia and Patrice, you are all safe as well.
Diane: Helen, we know you can do better, but you are safe as well.
Sam: And finally, the last safe contestant is… Marcus.
Diane: Victor and Lorenzo, I am so sorry, but you are in the bottom two.
Sam: It was a tough deliberation, but only one of you can stay. That means we have to say goodbye to… Lorenzo.
Diane: It was so nice getting to know you.
Lorenzo begins sobbing.
Sam: Oh, no.
Diane: It’s gonna be okay, buddy.
Lorenzo: Buddy?
Diane: What have I done?
Lorenzo: Diane Smith just called me “buddy!”
Diane: That’s all for Bake Your Heart Out, see you next week!
Leslie: Cut!
Lorenzo: I’m gonna miss this place so much! I’ve had the time of my life.
Diane: We have truly enjoyed!
Frances: He’s crying again! The tears are flowing!
Sam: What is going on in this place lately? Is there a gas leak?
Garry: I’m gonna cry, too. I hate shattering dreams!
Diane: I know what will cheer us all up!
Sam: No Olivia Rodrigo music!
Diane: Some cotton candy!
Lorenzo: That would be incredible!
Diane: Just, please, don’t cry on it.
Sam: That’s rich, coming from you.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
