Bake Your Heart Out Season 4 Episode 3 - Write Your Heart Out

Bake Your Heart Out Season 4, Episode 3
Write Your Heart Out

The group is at the Sunrise Cafe having breakfast.

Frances: Can you guys believe how terrible LeAnne did yesterday? She was so good last week, and now she’s fallen apart!

Sam: Which one is LeAnne again? Is she the old southern lady?

Charlotte: No, that’s Lenora.

Sam: Then who is LeAnne?

Frances: The Mormon.

Sam: Oh, right. I don’t think they have chocolate in Utah, no wonder she did so badly.

Leslie: Do we have to talk about work all the time?

Frances: What else would we talk about?

Leslie: I don’t know, anything else.

Sam: It’s funny to see the boss be the one who doesn’t want to talk about work. Usually not the case!

Garry: I know what we can talk about! Diane, I read your article in the Post.

Sam: Shut up, Garry. We know you can’t read.

Garry: Are we sure you can read? Your own best friend wrote an article and you don’t seem to know about it.

Sam: She just never told me about it.

Frances: She told all of us.

Sam: Bud out, Frances.

Diane: You weren’t listening, that’s fine. I always listen when you complain about Nicolle, but it’s fine! It’s normal not to listen when your friend tells you she’s writing an article for a major national newspaper about her cancer journey.

Sam: Oh, Diane, I am so sorry! I’m such an airhead. I remember now.

Charlotte: Did Sam just call herself an “airhead”?

Leslie: She admitted she’s not perfect!

Frances: The world’s about to end.

Sam: Shut it, guys. I admit my faults.

Charlotte: Do you?

Sam: You’re British, shut up.

Charlotte: What does that have to do with anything?

Sam: Nothing, I’m lashing out.

Diane: Would you like to read the article, Sam? That was you can go back to feeling like you’re perfect.

Sam: Sure, forward it to me. I’ll read it on the car ride to the studio.

Garry: Why not now?

Sam: “Why not now?” Because I’m eating my pancakes, Garry. I don’t want syrup on my phone.

Garry: It was a simple question, no need to get angry.

Sam: Would I really be me if I weren’t angry with you?

Garry: I suppose not.

One hour later, at the studio…

Sam: Wow, Diane. That was so beautifully written.

Garry: It took you all that time to read that? You really are the illiterate one.

Sam: Don’t get bold, Garry.

Diane: He’s taken a lot of abuse over the years, let him finally fight back.

Sam: Didn’t you hear me say how good your article was, Diane?

Diane: I appreciate it. I assume you liked the part about you the best?

Sam: Do you really think I’m the conceited?

Frances: If I speak -

Charlotte: She’d hate you more than she hates Garry.

Garry: Please say it!

Sam: Did I enjoy being written about? Yes. Did I appreciate being called a “guardian angel”? More than anything. But seeing you write your story, that’s what really made me emotional.

Diane: It means a lot, Sam. I wish you’d read it when I asked you to, when I needed it peer edited two weeks ago, but better late than never.

Frances: I was glad to step up. All those years of editing cookbooks really worked out for me.

Paul: What are you guys talking about?

Sam: Ah! Where’d you come from?

Paul: I’ve been here since you all strolled in.

Leslie: We weren’t at breakfast together or anything, if that’s what you were wondering.

Paul: Suddenly, I am wondering that.

Leslie: You would’ve been invited if we thought they’d have room for you. It was such a small restaurant, there were real concerns.

Paul: Leslie, I don’t expect you all to invite me to everything you do together. I’m your boss. Who wants to hang out with their boss all the time?

Garry: Leslie’s our boss and we ha-

Leslie: Shut up, Garry!

Paul: Trust me, I’m just glad you’re all mostly okay with my presence here.

Leslie: It’s a work in progress, but they’re getting there. Right, guys?

Diane: Yeah, sure!

Paul: Diane, I didn’t notice you there.

Diane: Always an honor to hear.

Paul: I read your article on the flight here, it moved me to tears. You have a way with words!

Diane: Writing was my first passion.

Sam: Writing jokes, that is. This is a newfound talent!

Diane: Just because no one believed I had it in me doesn’t mean it’s a newfound talent. I’ve been writing for years!

Sam: Why didn’t you ever tell us?

Leslie: Diane, I’m very proud of your article, but we need to get to work, so if you could make your ways to hair and makeup…

Paul: Oh, give them some time to talk!

Leslie: Who are you, man?

Paul: I’m cool, I’m chill.

Frances: Since when?

Garry: I’m going to go get ready, even if they aren’t. This doesn’t all come together in a flash, you know.

Sam: I guess we can talk about Diane’s writing later.

Diane: There’s nothing much to talk about. Not compared to Charlotte and her Oscar!

Charlotte: I’m not letting you borrow it, Diane! No matter how many times you ask.

Diane: I’ll let you borrow my Emmy! We can trade!

Charlotte: I already have an Emmy of my own.

Diane: I loathe you.

Charlotte: Aww, I loathe you, too.

Paul: Hey, no fighting! We’re a happy, loving family!

Garry: Are we?

Charlotte: We’re joking, Paul. Good heavens, does running a business suck all the joy out of people or something?

Leslie: Okay, to work, everyone! Please!

Sam: I think Paul and Leslie switched bodies in some sort of Freaky Friday situation.

Frances: That would make a lot of sense.

Later that day, at the Riviera Inn…

Diane: I can’t believe you three made us send LeAnne home.

Sam: Yeah, she makes a great cookie!

Garry: Why didn’t she make cookies this week?

Frances: Well, it was a pastry challenge.

Sam: So she was sabotaged. I blame Garry.

Garry: Leslie has final approval of the challenges.

Leslie: And final approval of everything. Remember that, Garry.

Frances: You really are being quite the hard ass today.

Sam: Mad respect. We need more boss bitches around here.

Garry: No, we really do not.

Melanie: Hey, Diane!

Sam: No greeting for the rest of us?

Frances: She’s overshadowing us today. As famous celebrities, that’s very dangerous to us. Attention and adoration is our main life source.

Diane: What’s up, Melanie?

Melanie: You got a phone call from some book publishing agency. They didn’t tell me any details but they want you to call back.

Sam: Is Melanie your secretary now?

Melanie: That’s what I thought!

Diane: I don’t know how they got the number for the hotel. I certainly didn’t give it to anyone. Thanks for letting me know about the call, though. I wonder what they could want.

Frances: You’re sure it was a book publisher, and not Publishers Clearing House? There’s quite a big difference.

Melanie: I’m sure, yes. Sorry you’re not getting $5,000 a week, Diane.

Diane: I’ll manage.

Sam: Leslie pays her a hell of a lot more than that to do just as much work as Publishers Clearing House makes you do.

Diane: That isn’t true. Publishers Clearing House doesn’t give you cakes and cookies to eat.

Leslie: Are you going to call them back?

Diane: Later. I want to get to my room and get ready for dinner now.

Sam: Don’t wait too long, we can’t have it interrupt our dinner plans! We got a reservation at the most exclusive restaurant in town!

Melanie: How did you score a McDonald’s reservation?

Leslie: Hard work and dedication.

Diane: Have no fear, I won’t do anything to jeopardize our dinner. I’ll be ready on time, phone calls be damned!

Garry: Could you distract Sam enough so that she misses it? That would truly make the dinner perfect.

Sam: If I kicked you right now, you’d get punted like a football.

Melanie: You walked into that one, Garry. Why do you do this to yourself?

Garry: I’m a masochist, I suppose.

Sam: So are all of us that spend time with you.

Charlotte: Okay, enough is enough. Give the guy somewhat of a break.

Sam: I’m only kidding! Garry knows I like him.

Garry: Do I?

Sam: Ugh. You make it so hard not to shove you into a trashcan.

Later that night, at dinner…

Diane: Now that we’ve all ordered, some of us three times -

Frances: I had trouble making my mind up. Sue me!

Leslie: Trust me, I checked to see if putzing around while ordering dinner was something you could sue over.

Diane: I have some news to share.

Carly: Are you pregnant?

Diane: Take a look at me.

Carly: You look a little puffy, that’s why I asked!

Sam: Your marriage finally makes sense. You’re as dumb as Garry.

Garry: Make fun of me all you want -

Sam: Done!

Garry: But -

Sam: Shut up, Garry.

Charlotte: You walked into that one. Again.

Diane: I spoke earlier today with a man named Arthur Brandt, who runs a publishing house called Brandt & Sons. He read my article and was very impressed by my writing skills. He offered me a book deal.

Leslie: That’s incredible!

Sam: Where’s my book deal?

Frances kicks Sam under the table.

Sam: Ouch!

Frances: It was earned.

Diane: I need your advice, though.

Charlotte: I wouldn’t take advice from us if I were you.

Sam: What’s that supposed to mean?

Charlotte: Take a look at us.

Sam: Yeah, I get what you mean.

Diane: I trust all of your advice.

Sam: Even Garry?

Diane: Even Garry!

Garry: You don’t know how much it means to hear you say that.

Diane: I am so humbled by the offer, but I don’t know if I want to write a book. Writing that article was a hassle, and I wasn’t even working on the show when I wrote it. How can I manage a full memoir?

Garry: Ghostwriters are all the rage these days.

Diane: I could never. If I’m putting my name on it, it has to be my work.

Frances: Are you saying your book wasn’t written by you?

Sam: Someone gave Garry a book deal? Are you kidding me?

Frances: I was only guessing, every minor celebrity has a book these days.

Sam: That must be why no one’s asked me to write one. I’m a major celebrity, they must assume I don’t have the time to write one.

Diane: Guys, you’re not helping.

Sam: You said earlier today that writing was your first passion.

Diane: And, as you said, I only really have experience writing jokes. Not a full memoir!

Sam: I was stupid to say that. Why do I speak?

Garry: We all ask that question pretty frequently.

Leslie: Diane, I don’t want to discount your work on the show, but you only work about two days a week. If you dedicate the rest to writing, I think you could manage writing it. If you want to, of course.

Frances: Plus, you have us to help you.

Diane: That, um… that doesn’t make me more confident about my ability to crank a book out.

Frances: That’s hurtful.

Diane: I don’t know if I can open up about myself enough to make an interesting book, even if I do make time. I put my guard up a lot.

Sam: You do?

Leslie: I think you’re making excuses now to avoiding it, because you’re scared of failure.

Diane: Failure?

Frances: You were so worried about how the article would do, we all know you’d break into hives over book sales.

Diane: What if it fails and goes right to dollar store bargain bins? The embarrassment!

Leslie: You’re a big, beloved celebrity. You’ll release it, you’ll go on The View, it’ll top the bestsellers’ list, it’ll be a success.

Diane: People like me on a show about baking. I’m not the star. They care more about the gingerbread than they do me.

Leslie: Did you see the ratings without you? They were so awful, Paul instantly agreed that we couldn’t do a cycle of the show without you. He shelved his number one show because of how important you are. America loves you.

Charlotte: The world loves her. We’re an International Netflix original.

Frances: You could even do a book tour!

Diane: All right, I get it. You believe in me. You idiots!

Carly: Are they not supposed to believe in you?

Diane: I wanted someone to help me feel like my hesitation isn’t ridiculous.

Charlotte: It’s not ridiculous! This is new for you, you’re worried you won’t be good at it and you’ll let down people counting on you. So many people have felt that same fear. But you are the bravest person I know. You kicked cancer’s ass! Don’t be afraid of a book!

Diane: Writer’s block is a scarier disease than a hepatocellular carcinoma.

Leslie: Talk to the publisher, talk to your agent, get a clause in your contract that you can have plenty of time to finish the book if you need it.

Frances: You know, you’re sitting across from a very accomplished author.

Charlotte: Garry really does have a book?

Frances: I meant me! I’ve written quite a few books! Like I said earlier, and was so rudely brushed off, I’m here to help!

Sam: Nicolle could help you, too. She’s an actual author. Not a cookbook author.

Frances: It counts.

Sam: Does it?

Diane: I’m glad I have a support team like you guys. And I’m so you offered up your wife’s assistance, Sam.

Sam: Any time.

Leslie: I’m sure Paul would help, too. He has no qualifications, but he's very desperate to please you all! He’d even write it for you.

Sam: Don’t let him.

Diane: Don’t worry, I won’t.

Sam: Now, where the hell is my lobster bisque?

Leslie: Probably delayed due to Frances taking three hours to order.

Frances: I took ten minutes.

Leslie: You delayed the meals of half the restaurant.

Frances: Not my fault!

Garry: I’m glad to see someone other than me get picked on.

Frances: You are a damn sociopath.

Sam: Oh, that reminds me. Diane, please don’t dedicate your book to Olivia Rodrigo in the dedication page.

Diane: She inspires me like no other.

Sam: Okay, that one hurt.

Leslie: So, are you officially writing a book?

Diane: Only if you all promise to let me yell at you if it goes disastrously.

Leslie: That seems fair.

Diane: Then I’ll begins talks tomorrow with my agent.

Garry: You have an agent?

Sam: Famous people do, Garry.

Garry: That was uncalled for.

Diane: Oh, you guys are going to make such interesting characters in the book. Don’t know if I’ll have room for my early life with all I’ll have to write about you guys.

Sam: Happy to help!

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

Share this

Related Posts

Next Post »