Frances is lying face-down in bed.
Greg: Honey, are you okay? You don’t look like you’re breathing.
Frances: I’m fine… just five more minutes.
Greg: It’s almost eight. We have breakfast plans today with Beverly and Earl.
Frances: Oh my god. I thought it was six.
Greg: Do you need glasses?
Frances: My eyes are just watery today. Allergies. I’ve got a sore throat, too.
Greg: You’re overly tired, have watery eyes, and a sore throat. Are you sure you’re not sick?
Frances: Sick? I don’t get sick. Now let me get back to sleep while I still have time.
Greg: You don’t have time. You’re already late.
Frances: Stop bossing me around.
Greg: I’m only trying to help.
Frances: Call Beverly and tell her I won’t be able to make it and that I’m sorry. I’m going back to sleep.
Greg: Should I tell her you’re sick or that it’s allergies?
Frances: Well, it is allergies, so tell her that.
Greg: All right. Nighty night.
Later that day…
Louise: Where is Frances? It’s not like her to be out on a Sunday without any of us and the house is a bit too quiet without her.
Greg: She’s not sick, but she went to the doctor just so the doctor could confirm that.
Louise: Oh, I see.
Jimmy: I can’t believe she still can’t admit when she’s sick after all these years. She used to do it as a kid so mom wouldn’t keep her home from school.
Lauren: What psycho wouldn’t want to get out of school whenever they could?
Jimmy: Home was worse. Mom made us watch soap operas with her.
Lauren: That sounds better than school.
Jimmy: There was so much smoke. The woman was like a chimney.
Louise: Hard to believe she died of stage four lung cancer. She took care of herself so well.
Jimmy: Oh, I miss my mom.
Lauren: So what’s wrong with Aunt Frances?
Greg: It feels like some sort of cold. Sniffles, sore throat, watery eyes, fever. All that jazz.
Louise: She went to the doctor for that? She’s softening up.
Greg: Beverly made her. She canceled breakfast plans with her and Beverly wanted to make sure Frances didn’t have anything too serious - or contagious - before she came into work tomorrow.
Louise: I used to be a teacher -
Lauren: A substitute teacher for two years.
Louise: I caught everything under the sun. Beverly shouldn’t be so worried about getting sick, it’s part of life.
Greg: Why are you opposed to doctors?
Louise: I’m not, I just think it’s silly for Beverly to make Frances go to the doctor for what seems like a cold if she didn’t want to go herself.
Greg: It’s probably for the best. Maybe Frances will realize that it’s not a bad thing to admit that you’re sick.
Jimmy: That will never happen. She’s too stubborn.
Lauren: It’s a family trait.
Jimmy: I’m not stubborn!
Lauren: Uh-huh.
Louise: You spent a week last year arguing with me that we should go on vacation to Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
Jimmy: And we would’ve had a great time!
Louise: Not a better time than we had in Disneyland.
Jimmy: I beg to differ. The Amish are fascinating!
Lauren: Next year, he’s going to want to vacation at the Scientology headquarters.
The front door opens.
Greg: Honey, how’d it go?
Frances: Ugh…
Greg: Sounds like it went well.
Frances: I have the flu.
Louise: Oh god, stay back! That shit’s contagious!
Lauren: Weren’t you just saying she didn’t even need to go to the doctor and that Beverly shouldn’t worry about getting sick because it’s part of life?
Louise: That’s when I thought it was a cold! Influenza is no joke!
Jimmy: How could you have gotten sick? You’re the healthiest person to ever live!
Frances: This brings you joy, doesn’t it? You like this.
Jimmy: You sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher from Peanuts. Wah wa wa.
Frances: I’m going to bed.
Jimmy: It’s so early!
Frances: Greg, can you make me soup?
Greg: Soup for bed?
Frances: I’m going to have it before I go to bed, stop bullying me!
Greg: I’ll make it.
Louise: She should eat in another room.
Frances: It’s my house! You don’t want to get sick? Go to your house, which I also own, for once!
Louise: Thank god she never gets sick if this is how she acts when she is.
Greg: I should let Beverly know you have the flu.
Frances: Let me call while you make the soup.
Greg: Okay, as long as you’re well enough to talk.
Frances: I have the flu, not terminal cancer. I’ll make do. I’m just gonna go lay on the couch.
Greg: You do that.
Frances sits on the couch and calls Beverly.
Beverly: What happened? Just a cold?
Frances: Hello to you, too.
Beverly: You sound even worse! Are you okay?
Frances: I have the flu. Thank god I didn’t listen to Jenny McCarthy and got the vaccine.
Beverly: The flu? Oh no! You must be sick as a dog.
Frances: I’ll survive. What do you want to do about the show tomorrow? Surely I can’t come in.
Beverly: We’ll have to cancel. Marcia’s great, but we don’t have any guests lined up and the show feeds off of the banter between the co-hosts.
Frances: Host and co-host. I’m the star.
Beverly: Even when you’re sick, you’re petty.
Frances: I have an idea, and you can veto, but it’s an idea. And I have to hurry and say it because my soup’s ready.
Beverly: All right, say it.
Frances: My niece Lauren can fill in. I know she has what it takes to do the job.
Beverly: It’s one episode, what harm can really be done?
Frances: Probably more. I’ll be contagious for at least four more days.
Beverly: Okay, so a week of shows. It’s worth a shot.
Frances: I’ll ask her then.
Beverly: You haven’t asked her? Here I am, thinking I’ll still have a show to do tomorrow and the replacement host -
Frances: Substitute host
Beverly: The “substitute host” doesn’t even know she’s supposed to be substituting!
Frances: I’ll ask right now.
Beverly: That’d be good.
Frances: Lauren? Can I ask you something?
Lauren: Mom says I’m not allowed to go anywhere near you if I want to be allowed in our house tonight. Can you ask it from there?
Frances: You can stay right there.
Lauren: Ask away!
Frances: I can’t go to work tomorrow, but a lot of people are really counting on the show being filmed anyway. Could you please fill in for me?
Lauren: Me? Filling in for you on a TV show about cooking?
Frances: Baking.
Lauren: I have no baking experience. I’ve never been in the baking category.
Frances: Bev and Marcia will walk you through it. It’ll be a piece of cake. Literally.
Lauren: I can try.
Louise: Why not me?
Frances: Thanks a lot, now that song by The Judds is going to be stuck in my head all day.
Louise: I could’ve done it, I do actually bake. I have experience. I even went to that conference for the network.
Frances: Lauren said she’ll do it, Beverly.
Beverly: Great! We’ll see her tomorrow. You rest up and feel better!
Frances: Thank you, talk soon.
Louise: You know, it’s hard not to take that personally.
Jimmy: I believe that was that was the intention.
Greg: Soup’s ready!
Frances: Thank god. I need to eat something, because I feel like I’m about to drop dead.
Jimmy: I think Louise may have put a curse on you.
Louise: A fast-acting one.
The next day, at the studio lot…
DeAnna: Excuse me, miss. This is Frances Conner’s spot that you’re parking in.
Lauren: Is that a problem?
DeAnna: No, I just wanted to thank you. She’s gonna flip! I love when she has a bad day.
Lauren: Frances is my aunt.
DeAnna: Oh, that’s why you look familiar!
Lauren: Yes, we’ve met. And I’ve heard so much about you besides that.
DeAnna: It’s nice to meet you again. May I ask where Elphaba is today?
Lauren: I presume you’re talking about my aunt?
DeAnna: Well, I’m not talking about Idina Menzel.
Lauren: She’s sick, she has the flu.
DeAnna: I’d send my best wishes, but I think we both know that I get some joy out of knowing she’s miserable.
Lauren: I wouldn’t mention you to her, anyway. Wouldn’t want to make her feel any worse than she presently does.
DeAnna: Wow, you really are her niece. You bite back just like she does. It’s the one thing I admire about her.
Jane: Hey, Frances! You look different today.
DeAnna: Oh lord…
Lauren: Jane, it’s me. Lauren. We know each other. Not Frances.
Jane: Sorry! I couldn’t tell from back there. You definitely are not Frances!
DeAnna: You were five feet away!
Jane: Stop being a bully, DeDee.
DeAnna: It’s DeAnna.
Jane: Sure.
Lauren: How about you go in to the studio and let Beverly know you're here. I’m afraid you’ll get lost if you wander out here too much longer.
Jane: What are you doing here, Lauren?
Lauren: It’s too hard to explain. Maybe Bev can explain it to you.
Jane: Okay, see ya later then!
DeAnna: Wow, she is… something.
Lauren: I’d better get going, too. It’s my first day, I have to make a good impression!
DeAnna: Are you replacing your aunt? Wow, the ratings will soar! That’s not too hard to accomplish, though, seeing how low they currently are.
Lauren: Just subbing for a few days. She’ll be back to play your foil in due time.
DeAnna: I’m kinda glad. I’d miss mocking her if she went away forever. I really do not like that woman.
Lauren: Don’t worry, the feeling’s mutual.
Inside the Frances in the Kitchen studio…
Beverly: There she is, Frances Junior!
Lauren: Aww, don’t flatter me.
Marcia: You know, I do love my niece-in-law, but it was unnecessary to drag her away from her busy life for this. I could’ve done it on my own.
Beverly: You could have, but it’s the banter between hosts that makes the show special.
Marcia: I think the baking is the reason people tune. I know how to bake. I don’t think Lauren does.
Lauren: That is true, I don’t. Aunt Frances said you’d show me how, though.
Marcia: It’s pretty hard to teach someone to bake in one hour. It takes time, you know.
Beverly: Marcia, get off your high horse and stop pretending you had any idea what to do in the kitchen either before Frances taught you how to bake. It’s not like you got the job on merit, either.
Marcia: I take offense to that.
Beverly: You got hired, like Lauren did, because you’re Frances’ family. You make good TV.
Jane: Yeah, you’re not a James Brown Award winner like Frances is.
Marcia: James Beard Award.
Jane: Who is James Beard? It’s James Brown.
Marcia: Honey, why would soul singer James Brown be giving awards out for baking?
Jane: Doesn’t he sing Sugar Pie Honey Punch?
Marcia: That was the Fo-
Beverly: Let it go!
Marcia: Good idea.
Lauren: So, who’s going to teach me what a rolling pin is used for.
Beverly: Oh no, it’s worse than I’d ever thought it could be.
Lauren: I’m kidding! I may not be a whiz in the kitchen, but I did pass home ec.
Marcia: That’s a start.
Beverly: We’re baking one of Frances’ own creations today, a cream cheese-filled strawberry roll. We’ll have you pretend this is an old recipe you’ve made time and time again. Gotta instill confidence in the viewers that they’re being taught a recipe by someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.
Lauren: I’m pretty good at selling things even when I’m not knowledgable about them. That’s how I got my current job!
Marcia: Don’t you work as a pharmaceutical sales rep?
Lauren: Yeah.
Marcia: Okay, that’s worrisome. They have people selling drugs to doctors that don’t know anything about the drugs?
Lauren: Are you surprised to learn that the pharmaceutical industry is immoral?
Marcia: Not particularly.
Jane: Do you guys need my help with teaching Lauren how to bake or could I go get a coffee?
Beverly: We’re good, Jane. Get the coffee.
Marcia: We’ll probably get a lot more done without you here.
Jane: What’s that mean?
Marcia: None of us will have to supervise you while you’re gone to make sure you don’t ruin any equipment.
Lauren: How often has she ruined equipment?
Jane: Only the garbage disposal that one time!
Marcia: And the blender!
Jane: Oh, right.
One hour later…
Beverly: Are we ready to start shooting, girls?
Marcia: I’m ready anytime. Lauren?
Lauren: You have the teleprompter set, right?
Beverly: Everything you need to say is on there, yes.
Lauren: Then I’ll be good. Just gotta make sure I don’t set anything on fire.
Beverly: Just how little do you actually do in the kitchen?
Lauren: I make eggs.
Marcia: Beverly, you’re sure that cake she made tasted good?
Beverly: It was fine!
Marcia: And you’re intent on going through with this? One hundred percent sure?
Beverly: Yes. Plus, it’s not like anyone at home will actually taste what Lauren makes.
Lauren: Thank the heavens!
Beverly: All she has to do is read off the instructions and model out the preparation for the viewers. I know she can do that.
Marcia: I hope you’re right, we don’t need to give Dana any excuses to cancel us!
Beverly: Don’t be silly, Lauren’s going to do a fine job filling in. Charisma is far more important for hosting a baking show than actual baking skills, and she’s got more than enough of that!
Lauren: You really have confidence in me, it’s very touching. I’m ready to go if you are. Nervous, but ready.
Beverly: No need to be nervous!
Marcia: Yes, as DeAnna always says, there’s no pressure because nobody actually watches this show.
Beverly: That’s not true! We have better ratings than her!
Marcia: So six moms watch our show compared to four watching hers?
Beverly: Something like that. Now, to your positions. We’ve got a long day of shooting, especially for Lauren. First days are never easy.
Marcia: I could always pick up the slack if she needs a break.
Lauren: I’m going to be just fine! I’m used to long days.
Beverly: Then let’s get to work. Remember, read the teleprompter as you make the dish so you know what point you’re at in the episode. Marcia will assist you if you need it, as that is her job.
Lauren: Will do.
Marcia: Good ole Marcia, always the assistant, never the star.
Beverly: Action!
Lauren: Hello loyal viewers, welcome to Frances in the Kitchen! I’m Lauren Mackenzie, Frances’ niece. You may notice, but Frances is not in the kitchen today. She’s come down with a bug and isn’t feeling herself. The show must go on, though, so I’m filling in for her. As always, our beloved co-host Marcia Conner-Klein is here, too!
Marcia: Always good to see a fresh face in here.
Lauren: Today, we’ll be making strawberry cream cheese cake rolls. Now, I’m not the baker in the family, but this is one of my favorite recipes to make in the summer. Growing up in Michigan, my mom used to make them all the time, and I took up making them myself. These rolls are always a treat at any summer picnic or party and they’re so easy to make!
Jane: Is she going off-script?
Beverly: Yes, she's embellishing a bit. Even better than it was written, I’d say.
Jane: I could’ve done this, you know.
Beverly: It’s cute you think that.
Three hours later…
Beverly: Lauren, you are doing amazingly well! Frances will be very proud!
Lauren: Aww, thank you.
Beverly: I’ll have to see to it that Frances gives you her full salary for the week, you’re a breath of fresh air so far.
Jane: You lie so well, I really believed that this was your recipe.
Lauren: I know, pretty scary right?
Beverly: I sense the birth of a natural talent!
Lauren: Well, I do want to be an actress, you know? It’s my first love.
Beverly: I do remember that, now that you mention it. No wonder you’ve done so well today.
Marcia: I just want to say, I never doubted you. I always knew you were perfect for this job.
Lauren: You could really tell.
Marcia: You could?
Beverly: Ten minutes left in the break and we’re back to filming, okay?
Lauren: Ah, there’s no business like show show business.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
