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OUR HOUSE S01E02, OUR MOVING DAY:
Teri is sitting in her empty house on the night before the big move when she gets a call.
Teri: Whats going on? It’s 11 at night, I was going to bed.
Cindy: Teri, we have a problem.
Teri: Is this a me problem or a you and Jerry problem? Because if it doesn’t concern me I’m going to bed. We have a big day ahead of us.
Cindy: It’s a big problem! I’m in tears!
Teri: What is it?
Cindy: I can’t find my copy of Trump: Art of the Deal.
Click.
Cindy: JERRY!!! She hung up on me!
Jerry: Well you did just prank call her at 11 PM the night before she’s moving.
Cindy: I just never expected my sweet little sister to just hang up on me like that. It’s very unlike her.
Jerry: She’s just tired and stressed. I think we all are. Now get to bed.
Cindy: Why? I’m so nervous and anxious. I don’t think I can sleep.
Jerry: Because humans need rest to function. It’s in all the science books.
Cindy: Since when do you read science books?
Jerry: Since when am I the rational one? The times, they are a-changin’.
Cindy: I guess I’ll be heading to bed. I wouldn’t want you to be the rational one for ver much longer.
Jerry: Ah, that’s the holy spirit.
The next morning, at Betty and Karl’s…
Betty: Karl!!! They’re here! The moving trucks are here!
Karl: But it’s only 6! I thought they were coming at 7.
Betty: Plans change Karl.
Karl: But…
Betty: I know you’re still angry that you missed last night’s Erin Burnett OutFront, b-
Karl: I’m not angry, I’m just exhausted.
Betty: Here, take this super-mega-giant sized coffee! I’ve had three this morning.
Karl: Betty, those are 40 ounces! Also, do I smell kahlua?
Betty: Yep! i put some in for flavoring! Just ten ounces!
Karl: Total?
Betty: No! A piece!
Karl: Total?
Betty: No! A piece!
Karl: And you’ve had three of them? Are you okay honey?
Betty: What? Why would I not be okay.
Betty’s eye starts twitching.
Karl: That’s it. You need to get some rest. Or medical attention. Or something.
Betty: I’m perfectly -
Betty collapses.
Karl: Oh Betty.
Meanwhile, at Teri’s…
Teri: Wow, I can’t believe I’ve already packed up the whole house into the truck! I was so worried for absolutely no reason!
Teri’s cell phone rings.
Teri: Hello?
Karl: Teri, your mom collapsed thi-
Teri: WHAT?
Karl: Calm down, she just drank a lot of coffee and I don’t think her body could handle it so she’s sleeping it off.
Teri: Oh that’s comforting.
Karl: Anyway, she’s currently sleeping on our mattress in the back of the moving truck. Me and your uncle Raleigh got the whole house packed up.
Teri: So are you ready to head to the house?
Karl: We’re already there.
Teri: Aww, man! I thought I’d get there first.
Karl: Teri, it’s noon. Most of the others are already unpacking.
Teri: My god!
Karl: Yeah, you should hurry and get here.
Teri: Bye dad, I’ll see you soon!
Click.
Thirty minutes later…
Teri: I have arrived!
Nobody responds.
Teri: I said “I have arrived!”
Danielle: What, do you want a red carpet? Should I interview you?
Teri: I just wanted someone to acknowledge that I’m here.
Danielle: Just start unpacking. Nobody here is happy.
Teri: What’s wrong?
Danielle: Your father is devastated.
Teri: Did something happen to mom?
Danielle: Your mom is somewhat okay. It’s Cindy’s dog Rusty.
Teri: Did Rusty d-
Danielle: Oh, no. He knocked over your dad’s plants and smashed some of the pots. He’s crying.
Teri: Oh dad.
Danielle: Your dad is so broken inside.
Teri: 50 years with my mom will do that to you.
Betty: Hey! I’m great!
Velma: Excuse her, she’s still not in great shape.
Betty: I’m doing great.
Velma: We think the caffeine may have ruined her forever We really don’t know.
Teri: Mom!
Velma: Let’s go lay down Betty. It’s time for sleep.
Betty: I taste colors!
Velma: My god.
Teri: Oh my! What happened here without me?
Danielle: Quite a lot. Zeke actually isn’t drunk today. Well, we don’t think. He’s been known to hide it well.
Mitchell: Hey Danielle, come help us with this!
Danielle: I’ll be right there Mitch! Gotta go Teri. Just start unpacking.
Teri: Can do!
Meanwhile, in the house…
Ralph: It feels good to have so few things that you actually wanted to bring with. My room’s already arranged!
Karl: I’m glad you’re happy. Because my plants shave been murdered!
Cindy: Rusty is very sorry! He can be an idiot at times but he really didn’t mean to ruin your plant.
Karl: I’ve had that plant since it was just a seed. WE had a bond!
Cindy: Well, I guess we all have a quirk.
Karl: What?
Cindy: Oh nothing.
Jerry: She said that your love for your plants is very strange.
Tammi: Oh, don’t harass grandpa! He’s not having a great day.
Jerry: Well neither are any of us.
Ralph: Actually, my day’s been quite great.
Jerry: That’s nice. Now if you excuse me, I’ll be out there bringing one of five ounces into this mansions that we shouldn’t have bought.
Velma: Betty’s on the loose, guys!
Betty: Hi everyone!
Tammi: Grandma! How about you go sit in the dining room with Steven. He’s playing Yahtzee online!
Betty: Yahtzee!!! What a fun word!
Velma: Come on Auntie Betty, he’s right in here.
Tammi: Velma, I think she’s out cold.
Velma: Good, I can get off Betty babysitting patrol now.
Back outside, the family meets their new neighbor. Unfortunately for them.
Amelia: What the devil is going on?
Teri: We’re moving in. It’s a new concept.
Amelia: Why are there thirteen trucks? Who needs thirteen trucks?
Teri: A family of thirteen. That’s who.
Amelia: Surely you can’t all be living here. You’re grown adults!
Teri: So? What’s wrong with that?
Amelia: It’s just… it’s unnatural!
Teri: Well thanks for the warm welcome to the neighborhood, but I have to be going.
Amelia: Not so fast! You’re blocking the whole street with these trucks. Fix it.
Teri: No.
Amelia: I’ll call the HOA.
Teri: You think we’ll get in trouble for moving in? I think not.
Amelia: I’ll call the cops.
Teri: You bi-
Zeke: Hey Aunt Teri, who’s this lovely lady?
Teri: This is a busybody from the block.
Zeke: Don’t make a bad first impression Teri. She’s probably just being neighborly.
Amelia: Well you’re charming.
Zeke: I know.
Amelia: And humble, too.
Teri: Oh yes, very.
Zeke: Ignore her. She drinks.
Teri: No I do not!
Amelia: Whatever you say.
Zeke: So Amelia, would you like to go out some time? Maybe for a few drinks or a movie or a few drinks?
Amelia: How did you know my name?
Zeke: Your name tag. It says Amelia.
Amelia: I forgot about that! And sure, you certainly are much kinder than your aunt, and you’re mighty cute too, so let’s go for some drinks. Does Friday sound good to you?
Zeke: That sounds… great.
Amelia: It’s a date! I’ll seen you then. Bye!
Zeke: Bye.
Teri: What the hell was that about?
Zeke: I was trying to get her to not call the cops. It’s one date, I’ll be fine.
Teri: I feel bad for you, that woman is awful.
Zeke: I know, but it’s a sacrifice you must make when you’re as beautiful as I.
Teri: You really are humble.
Back in the house…
Betty: Ooh, what’s this?
Velma: I think that’s a tablet. Maybe you shouldn’t look through that.
Betty: It’s Teri’s journal! I'm gonna look in it.
Velma: Oh, don’t do that. It’s private.
Betty: There’s something about you in here!
Velma: Let me see!
Velma and Betty start reading Teri’s journal.
Betty: Does she really think I’m nosy?
Velma: Does she really think I should “just shut the f*** up?”
Frank: Yes! Of course she does! She wouldn’t have written it if she didn’t mean it!
Betty: How would you know?
Frank: Because I’m not an idiot.
Velma: Frank, I saw you egg salad sandwich that sat out in the sun all day long at last year’s 4th of July party.
Frank: So?
Velma: You are not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Betty: Also, you don’t matter. At least, not according to Teri!
Frank: What???
Velma: Come read it and find out!
Frank joins Velma and Betty.
Frank: Wow, this is some interesting stuff. And some are really angry. Look at this entry from November 9, 2016: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
Betty: Tammi, Cindy come here!
Tammi: What is it?
Betty: Teri’s journal!
Tammi: Oh, I’m coming! I love snooping!
Cindy: I feel like Jesus wouldn’t like this, but I can sin for one day!
Thirty minutes later…
Teri: What are you all doing?
Betty: Nothing! We’re doing nothing!
Velma: Betty is mistaken. We’re all reading the newspaper. The presid-
Teri: Bull! You’re reading my journal!
Cindy: Would me, a good-hearted, religious woman like myself read someone else’s journal?
Teri: Yes. Because that thing mom is holding says “Teri’s Journal” on it. That is absolutely what you’re reading. Hand it here.
Betty: Here ya go!
Velma: You cracked, Betty! You cracked!
Betty: I’m sorry!
Velma: Now we’ll never know all of her deep, dark secrets!
Teri: Wow. Wooooooow. I’m gonna go now. I don’t care where, just not here.
CREATED BY: Rebecca Bunch
Catch an all-new episode of Our House on The TV Ratings Guide, next Monday at 8 PM!
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