Marietta Season 5 Episode 13 - Finnish Line

Marietta Season 5, Episode 13
Finnish Line

Tammy and Amy walk into Marietta’s office.

Marietta: Wow, knock much?

Henrietta: We were having an intense conversation.

Tammy: About what?

Henrietta: Figure skating.

Tammy: That reminds me, Marietta still owes me ten bucks.

Marietta: For what?

Tammy: I bet on Isabeau Levito. You bet on someone who retired five years ago.

Marietta: In my defense, I wasn’t paying attention when I made that bet. I was busy working hard for the people of New Orleans.

Amy: How does anyone have an intense conversation about figure skating?

Tammy: You gotta be kidding me. How can you ask that?

Amy: I’m sorry, I don’t follow it. I’m normal!

Henrietta: I was told once that I had the ideal body for a figure skater. I’d like to think I was one in another life.

Marietta: She could’ve been a champion figure skater, instead she works here. If that ain’t tragic, I don’t know what is.

Amy: We have something serious to tell you about, if we’ve moved past the skating debacle.

Marietta: You know full well it’s too early for me to be able to handle any serious matters, but I suppose you can go ahead.

Tammy: The President of Finland is in town.

Marietta: Is that the lady who -

Tammy: Yeah, sure is.

Marietta: She is the coolest person in the entire world. Why can’t she be our president?

Amy: Too hot and cool. We can only elect boring uggos as our presidents.

Tammy: Excuse me?

Amy: Other than Mitch, of course. I think he deserved to be named People’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Marietta: So what about the President of Finland? She just here to see if Bourbon Street lives up to the hype?

Amy: She’s here for some economic forum.

Marietta: They’re having an economic forum and no one told me? Why?

Amy: Do you really want an answer to that?

Marietta: Okay, enough picking on me. Why is the President of Finland’s visit relevant to me?

Amy: She’s expected to meet with the Vice President, right here on your turf. What if we get a meeting with her first, show her around town? We cans teal Dede’s thunder.

Marietta: I’m all for that, but why would she care about meeting with me? I’m apparently not even a big enough deal to get an invite to an economic forum taking place in my own city. Guys, I was a senator!

Tammy: And I was First Lady and now I bicker with Amy over which one of us gets the closer parking spot. Sometimes the luck just runs out.

Amy: She’s President of Finland, it’s not like they’re some major world power. If I were her, I’d be thrilled to get to meet with the mayor of a major US cultural epicenter.

Marietta: Would you really?

Amy: Not really, but I’d probably take a meeting from you, if offered.

Marietta: If that’s the best my own press secretary can offer up in a hypothetical, I don’t think the Finnish President will be rushing to city hall during her time here.

Tammy: Can you blame her? Reggie Barrack works here.

Amy: I’m going to get in touch with her people, anyway. We need all the good press we can get in this campaign, and it’s always good to be seen with influential world leaders.

Henrietta: Didn’t you just say Finland isn’t a world power?

Amy: Yeah. She’s a great Instagram influencer, though.

Henrietta: Oh, god, this is going to be a boomer campaign.

Amy: Boomer? I’m … well, yeah I am a boomer. But I’m not out of touch.

Tammy: You’re also not the campaign manager, you’re supposed to let me worry about campaign matters.

Amy: I’m the press secretary and communications director for a mayor. I barely have any responsibilities. Let me have this.

Tammy: Why’d you quit the council if you don’t have anything to do in this job?

Amy: Because in this job, I don’t have to work with Reggie Barrack.

Later that day…

Amy: Marietta! You’re not going to believe this!

Marietta: The President of Finland wants to meet with me?

Amy: How’d you guess?

Marietta: They sent me an email to confirm the meet-up.

Amy: Well, that’s anticlimactic.

Marietta: I have a question. Don’t laugh.

Amy: I make no promises.

Marietta: What’s her name, and how do you pronounce it?

Tammy: I can see the headlines now “Finland Declares War on US After Disastrous Meeting with New Orleans Mayor Landfield.”

Henrietta: Is Marietta really relevant enough to cause a war over? At worst, wouldn’t she just get banned from going to Finland? 

Marietta: Why are we already talking worst case scenarios here?

Tammy: We’ve met you.

The next day, Marietta and Henrietta are watching TV in Marietta’s office.

Dede: It was a great honor to have an impromptu summit with President Toivonen yesterday while I’m on my vacation here in New Orleans. We talked about our nations’ shared interests, our longstanding allied ties, and the president’s plan to assist in their ascension to NATO. We are committed to this Scandinavian Special Relationship.

Marietta: Finland really isn’t even in Scandinavia, you absolute moron.

Henrietta: I think you need to turn that off before you burst an artery.

Marietta: I’d like to burst an artery, at least that way I’d never have to hear that woman’s nasally voice ever again. Nails on a chalkboard. I can’t believe she got to meet with her first! She stole my thunder!

Henrietta: Tell me how you really feel.

Marietta: I’d like to kick her right in the -

Amy: Marietta, the President is here.

Marietta: Why’s he here? Does he wanna harass me or something?

Amy: The President of Finland, Hannele Toivonen. The one with whom we set up a meeting yesterday.

Marietta: She’s not the President of the country we live in, you can’t just go around assuming. You know what they say about assuming.

Amy: Maybe don’t keep her waiting.

Henrietta: Wow, I feel like I’m in an episode of The West Wing. This is thrilling!

Tammy: I lived in The White House and let me tell you it’s not really like that. For one, I didn’t know the name of a single person that worked in Mitch’s West Wing.

Marietta: That’s great, Tammy. Time for me to fly.

Amy: Remember, it’s pronounced -

Marietta: I know! I looked it up last night, I heard it from you ten times today. I’m good.

Tammy: We never really worked out what you were going to talk to her about.

Marietta: I don’t know, I think the similarities between New Orleans and Finland are pretty obvious. We have so many shared interests.

Tammy: Why do you take nothing seriously?

Marietta: Life’s too short to be so serious all the time.

Amy: Isn’t that what the Joker says?

Tammy: She IS the Joker.

Marietta: Okay, I’m going for my meeting now. You guys can keep entertaining yourselves by discussing Marvel.

Henrietta: It’s DC, actually.

Marietta: Worst city in the world.

Amy: Hey! I’m meeting the cool Finnish lady, too. I put in too much work not to.

Marietta: Fine, you can come. No speaking, though. Leave that to me.

Amy: You are naturally gifted.

Tammy: I’m coming, too. I outrank Amy.

Amy: Oh, look, she’s trying to prove how important she is.

Marietta: If you both shut up, you can come.

Tammy: My lips are sealed!

Marietta walks out into the lobby.

Marietta: Madam President! I’m mayor Landfield, it’s such an honor to have you here!

Hannele: So, so great to be here. What a town!

Marietta: We do have fun!

Hannele: This is my sort of town, you know? So full of life, you don’t take yourself too serious, it’s a joy. Although, I did meet your your country’s Vice President yesterday and -

Marietta: I’ve heard. Sorry you had to endure that.

Hannele: The woman is a, what’s the saying in America…?

Marietta: An asshole?

Hannele: A stick in the mud.

Marietta: That too. I can assure you, she’s not a New Orleanian, she just likes to role-play as one. She’s from Arizona. You know Arizona?

Hannele: I’ve seen Thelma and Louise.

Marietta: She definitely belongs to them and not to us.

Amy: I think that’s eno-

Marietta: How rude of me! Madam President, this is my Press Secretary, Amy Applewhite. And that’s my Chief of Staff -

Hannele: First Lady Yarborough! I have such respect for your husband’s foreign policy work.

Tammy: It’s an honor just to be recognized, really.

Marietta: Ignore her, Madam President, she gets very anxious when she has to speak in public. Always sticking her foot in her mouth.

Hannele: That doesn’t sound very pleasant. Probably doesn’t taste too good.

Marietta: Ah, you’re funny, Madam President! You’ve got jokes. I like that.

Hannele: I’ve noticed you call me “Madam President.” I love that title, but do you not know my name?

Marietta: I’m going to be honest with you, because I’m an honest person. I am very nervous and I do not remember your name, no. I know it’s a Finnish name.

Hannele: I’d hope so.

Marietta: Oh no, you’re offended.

Hannele: No, I’m not. It’s not a common name in America, and hoenstly, I don’t know your first name, either.

Marietta: That’s very funny, Madam President!

Hannele: Hannele Toivonen.

Marietta: Ah, right. Hanna!

Hannele: Hannele.

Marietta: Uh-huh.

Hannele: Han-eh-lay.

Marietta: Hannele?

Hannele: Correct! Your Finnish is very good, you’d fit in just fine. Maybe you can come visit me, Madam Mayor.

Marietta: It’s Marietta.

Hannele: And you couldn’t remember Hannele?

Marietta: Hey!

Thirty minutes alter…

Hannele: All right, Marietta, I’d better get going, I have to get to the economic forum.’

Marietta: Oh, that old thing?

Hannele: I’m having so much fun with you, though. I’m planning on going out to a club tonight to get a real taste of the town. Would you like to show me around?

Marietta: I do have to take care of my niece, she lives with me. I’ll try and let you know soon, though.

Hannele: Okay, I understand. You’re very busying, partying isn’t a top priority. You do owe yourself a bit of fun, though.

Marietta: Thank you for coming, Madam President. I do know your name, but I do feel I owe you the respect to call you by your title while in my official capacity.

Hannele: Well, then, it’s been a pleasure, Madam Mayor. I hope to see you soon.

Back in Marietta’s office…

Marietta: Henrietta, can you get my mother on the phone, please?

Henrietta: Sure thing.

Tammy: Are you really going to go clubbing with the President of Finland?

Marietta: Why not?

Tammy: Are you enjoying being mayor?

Marietta: Yeah, especially perks like these. I’d never get to hang out with cool world leaders if not for this job. Gotta take advantage while I’ve still got it.

Tammy: Okay, you have fun!

Henrietta: Marietta, the phone.

Marietta: Thank you, Henrietta.

Patty Lynn: What’s this about, dear? You never call me at work!

Marietta: I know, it’s always you calling me.

Patty Lynn: Because I love ya so much.

Kathleen: Can you stop being so clingy?

Patty Lynn: Never!

Martin: Girls, stop fighting!

Marietta: Are you three always together?

Kathleen: Yes, it’s awful.

Marietta: Mom, I need you to watch Sarah a little while longer. 

Patty Lynn: Of course1 Take all the time you need!

Marietta: All right, until tomorrow sound good?

Patty Lynn: Tomorrow? What, are you having a hot date?

Kathleen: Good for her!

Marietta: God, nothing like that. I’m taking a meeting with the President of Finland. Very late night meeting.

Martin: She’s fun! I just saw her on TV last night mocking Dede Ducovney.

Patty Lynn: Okay, you do your diplomacy, I know how important it is for New Orleans and Finland to have strong bonds. Just don’t get yourself into any trouble!

Marietta: Why would I get myself into trouble?

Patty Lynn: She is a known party animal.

Marietta: That is a misconception. I’ll see you guys tomorrow!

Martin: Wait! Does Sarah have anything to wear at our house?

Marietta: Just use the spare key and pick her something out.

Martin: Me?

Marietta: Well, it’s not a good idea to let mom drive.

Patty Lynn: I’m a good driver!

Kathleen: Eh…

Patty Lynn: I got you to Nashua!

Marietta: I’ll let you guys figure this out for yourselves. Bye!

Later that night…

Hannele: Marietta! I’m so glad you could make it!

Marietta: I’m glad to join you! To be honest, I don’t really know Bourbon Street all that well.

Hannele: You mean to tell me you have such a vibrant nightlife scene in your own hometown and you don’t ever take advantage of it?

Marietta: Here in America, it’s sort of frowned upon for elected officials to go partying with a bunch of drunk people. In fact, I’m sort of surprised it’s not the same in Finland. You guys don’t seem like a bunch of party animals.

Hannele: Thankfully, my country is able to see that even their elected officials are grown adults who should be allowed to have some fun every once in a while. Life’s too short not to have any fun.

Marietta: Oh my god! That’s basically what I said to Tammy earlier today. You are like my pale younger sister with a fun accent.

Hannele: I have the accent? You sound like Foghorn Leghorn!

Marietta: I say, I say, you have Looney Tunes in Finland?

Hannele: We’re quite cultured.

Marietta: Okay, enough cartoon talk. We need to party.

Hannele: I hear 1999 by Prince, that’s a good song to start the dancing to.

Marietta: Were you even alive in 1999? Can you legally drink in America?

Hannele: You flatter me!

Marietta: No, I really gotta know. You look young enough to be my daughter, I can not survive an underage drinking scandal.

Hannele: I’m 37.

Marietta: What is in the water in Finland?

Hannele: We don’t have microplastics.

Marietta: We’re working on that! Vice President Ducovney says there will be a 300% increase in microplastics by 2024 because it costs too much for companies to filter that stuff out.

Hannele: No poetics tonight, please. I’m already dreading flying back home, I have a big healthcare overhaul to get passed.

Marietta: Healthcare overhaul? In Finland? I’m just hoping we can maybe get healthcare at all in America sometime before I die.

Hannele: I’m going to get us some drinks. I heard you have something called a grasshopper, that sounds… full of protein.

Marietta: It’s not quite what it sounds like. It’s just mint.

Hannele: Oh, ew. That’s even worse.

Marietta: I’ll order us something good. You just stay here and loosen your joints. You’ll have to really prepare to keep up with my moves!

The next morning…

Tammy: You have fun last night, Marietta?

Marietta: Uh, yeah. We kept it pretty reserved

Henrietta: She’s seen the clips online.

Marietta: What clips? And since when can Tammy use a computer?

Tammy: Since forever!

Amy: Someone filmed you partying, and, more importantly, drinking with President Toivonen. It’s made its way onto Twitter.

Tammy: Dede’s even responded!

Marietta: Don’t sh-

Henrietta pulls up a video on her phone.

Dede: It’s not my city, I don’t have a say here really, but I do think the mayor is clearly unfit for office. I do think it shows a lack of responsibility  and a poor sense of judgment, and resignation is clearly the best option.

Marietta: I loathe her, but it does make me happy to know that she clearly doesn’t have any fun, or any friends.

Tammy: This is going to be an actual problem for us. If people don’t see you as a serious and committed mayor, will they actually vote for you?

Marietta: I’m not putting out an apology. Let them hound me for it if they want, I did nothing wrong.

Tammy: Do you strive to make my job more difficult?

Marietta: I don’t base all of my decisions in life on you, no.

Tammy: You give me a headache.

Amy: Keep up the good work!

Henrietta: Hey, think of it this way: you wanted to overshadow the Vice President, you have certainly done that and then some.

Marietta: I love raining on Dede’s parade. This was a win in my book.

Three days later…

Tammy: We have some news.

Marietta: This should be good.

Tammy: It is good. Somehow.

Amy: Henrietta, tell her.

Henrietta: people online have been loud and vocal in support of you. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, even TikTok. Women are tired of being judged for what we all know the men do behind bars, and these young girls have been making videos in support of you over “clubgate.”

Tammy: Reggie Barrack was, uh, “ratioed” on his tweety calling on you to resign. In fact, you’ve over doubled your Twitter following in the past few days.

Marietta: Why did Sarah not tell me about this?

Henrietta: Who would ever want to tell their aunt she’s cool?

Tammy: The best part is the polling. You’re up four points from the last poll, boosted by huge amounts among young voters. The other demographics are steady or slightly down. This will help you in the end.

Marietta: Let’s face it, girls. People love it when their politicians are cool.

What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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