Our House Season 5 Episode 15 - Our Cruise

Our House Season 5, Episode 15

Our Cruise

The family is in the driveway, loading suitcases into the car.

Cindy: Mom, there are six of us going on a six-day cruise. Is all of this really needed?

Betty: It’s seven days, six nights.

Cindy: I don’t think that changes much, does it?

Teri: I hate to ever shy away from giving mom crap, but this was a group effort. It’s not all hers.

Betty: Thank you! I think.

Mitchell: I can’t believe you’re going on a cruise without me, honey.

Velma: I worked hard for this, I’m enjoying the fruits of my labor. You are allergic to labor.

Tammi: I can’t believe I don’t get to go on this cruise, all because I was too starstruck to think straight on that darn show.

Jerry: Think of it on the plus side, though. Your dear old dad gets a much-needed vacation now, courtesy of you.

Tammi: I’m happy for you, but I’d be getting that quick seven day, six night trip through Cape Cod if I didn’t make a fool out of myself.

Velma: Yeah, I have to be honest, when they said the prize was a cruise, I was expecting an ocean cruise to, say, the Caribbean. Not a breeze through Cape Cod in February.

Teri: Come on, it’s a high of twenty-seven there today. What more could you ask for?

Velma: For me to be able to go on the top deck with a drink and not worry about it freezing, that’d be nice.

Teri: Trust me, the types of drinks we’ll be drinking won’t freeze.

Karl: I don’t think the drinks are included with admission.

Teri: Okay, taking a mental note that the alcohol intake will be severely reduced.

Betty: I will admit that this would not be my ideal pick for a February vacation, but we’re going to have fun either way. And I brought three suitcases full of blankets to make sure of it.

Karl: Yeah, we’re not taking all of those.

Betty: Why not?

Karl: You know how much it costs for each additional suitcase?

Betty: The airline lets you bring three complimentary bags if you’re in the military. Jerry, that’s you!

Jerry: We’ll buy blankets in Taxachusetts. Leave those here to make the trip there easier.

Betty: Anyone have something else to complain about before we go?

Ralph: No, I think we’re good. You guys have fun on your tin can of death!

Velma: I can’t wait to get to the airport and take my calming pill. I get anxiety any time heights are involved.

Frank: Can you ge-

Betty: Okay, time to go!

Later that day…

Betty: Does anyone have our boarding passes? I don’t know where they are.

Teri: They’re on our phone.

Betty: Why are they on there?

Teri: That’s how it is now, it’s a new, modern world.

Velma: Did you not check for the passes before we left the house? I’m surprised you didn’t know this already.

Betty: I was too busy being annoyed by Frank.

Teri: Thank God you have me here to help you. I’ve got them right here.

Cindy: Those are your tickets to 80 for Brady at AMC Theaters.

Velma: Oh my god, was that a great movie or what?

Teri: It did have all of my favorite elderly women in it.

Velma: The only part I didn’t like was Tom Brady. Not a fan.

Teri: Speaking of movies, I think it was a mistake to see Triangle of Sadness before I went on this trip.

Cindy: Teri, we’re next in line to get on the boat. Get serious.

Jerry: I’m having second thoughts, is that bad?

Betty: You’re getting on the boat, Jerry.

Teri: Okay, here are our boarding passes. Does everyone have their ID?

Jerry: They can’t make me show ID.

Teri: Huh?

Jerry: What are they going to do? Throw a distinguished military veteran off the boat?

Cindy: Ignore him, he took a few of Velma’s pills.

Velma: He took eight.

Teri: I can’t be on a boat with these people for a week.

Karl: It’s a big boat.

Teri: It’s eight degrees outside, we’re going to be trapped inside the whole week with each other.

Karl: The same thing would be happening at home, at least here you get a view of the ocean.

Teri: I’m afraid of the ocean.

Karl: You might see a whale!

Teri: I do love a good whale.

One hour later…

Cindy: This boat is a lot bigger than I expected it to be, considering it only travels from Boston to Cape Cod and back.

Teri: You really think the good folks at the Virginia Family Challenge would give us a cruise on a little dinghy? Only the best for that show and its huge production budget!

Karl: I was thinking it was going to be like the three-hour tour on Gilligan’s Island.

Teri: Hey, there’s plenty of time for us to get shipwrecked on Martha’s Vineyard.

Velma: I wouldn't mind that.

Cindy: Yeah, they have wine there.

Teri: It’s just a name, they aren’t known for their wine. Believe me, I checked.

Velma: Has anyone checked their sleeping arrangements yet? I have two suitcases that I would love to dispense somewhere.

Teri: Why didn’t you check that in earlier? They would have taken that for you.

Velma: You know, I didn’t hear them, and I don’t want too be ridiculed for that.

Teri: When have I ever ridiculed anyone?

Jerry: I’d also like to see our room. I need a nap before we arrive at our first destination.

Teri: Did you not check the itinerary? We’re not going anywhere for the rest of today, they’re spending the day traveling to our first stop. We do have a trip safety and information seminar to go to today, though.

Jerry: They need all that time for traveling? I can drive my car to Cape Cod faster than that - from Virginia!

Velma: Well, you go tell them in the engine room that you’re in the military and you know how ships work, they’ll speed up to get you to Gayville faster.

Betty: It’s called Provincetown, and it’s beautiful.

Teri: They’re gonna be the first Republicans to ever set foot there.

Cindy: It’s seventeen degrees out, will we be setting foot anywhere?

Jerry: You ever wonder why the ocean doesn’t freeze? It should just be one big ice rink, right?

Cindy: Okay, we’re gonna get you to bed for a while.

Velma: Would be nice if we could find our rooms first.

Karl: The woman who took our tickets said we’re on the third deck. What deck are we on now?

Teri: Were you expecting us to know? We barely even know we’re on a boat right now.

Karl: All these rooms start with two, I’m assuming we’re on the second deck. Let’s go down one flight of stairs and look for our room numbers.

Thirty minutes later…

Betty: Where in the hell are our rooms?

Teri: This is why I don’t like cruises, boats are not made to have multiple decks. This is too complex. One deck, that’s it, that’s how it always was growing up.

Cindy: You think everyone should travel on mom and dad’s little pontoon?

Teri: I think it would be less confusing.

Velma: How is this confusing?

Teri: We’ve been looking for our rooms for an hour!

Velma: It probably isn’t really that confusing to people who aren’t mind-mumblingly stupid.

Teri: That ain’t us.

Karl: You know what? I think the top deck doesn’t count in their numbering system, only the decks with rooms on them. We’re on the wrong deck.

Velma: That would explain why our key card didn’t work for what we thought was our room. 

Teri: Or why a woman yelled at mom for trying to open the door of the room she thought was hers.

Betty: That woman had crazy eyes.

Cindy: That woman thought you were trying to break into her room.

Betty: I thought it was mine!

Teri: Oh, look! Someone who works on this ship. Maybe they can tell us where we’re supposed to find our room.

Karl: Ma’am! Can you tell us where our rooms are? We’re in rooms B108, B110 and B112.

Ship worker: That’s on the deck above us. We updated the rooms online to use a lettering system instead of a numbering system, but we didn’t get around to updating the doors quite yet. So your rooms will say 2108, 2110 and 2112.

Betty: Oh. That’s confusing.

Ship worker: It is, sorry about that.

Karl: We appreciate the help, and no need to be sorry. You didn’t make the decision.

Teri: Oh my god, we were on the right floor to begin with. What a waste of time.

Velma: My arms are killing me.

Teri: Gimme the damn suitcase if you’re going to complain.

Velma: That would be a real help, thanks. I can’t carry those up the stairs.

Teri: They should have an elevator on here, what kind of a ship is this?

Cindy: About five minutes ago, you were saying it shouldn’t have more than one deck. Now it should have an elevator?

Teri: If they insist on having so many decks, then they should have an elevator.

Karl: All right, enough bickering. Let’s find our room.

The next night…

Velma: This is not quite how I expected my first cruise to go. I imagined a tropical view while I lounge in a pool. I wore three sweaters today during the five hours we were allowed off the boat, then I bought a slice of pizza that immediately turned into a block of ice because it is February. Then Betty made me climb a tower for some reason and I there up ten minutes into it and had to sit in the cold for an hour waiting for all of you to get done.

Jerry: It was a beautiful view, you missed out.

Teri: I’m impressed you tried to go up at all.

Velma: Now we’re inside at a restaurant eating clam chowder while watching the real life version of RuPaul’s Drag Race on the stage in front of us.

Teri: Werk, queen!

Cindy: You might not be able to tell, but Teri is a RuPaul fan.

Velma: I could tell.

Betty: I think today was fun. I was freezing, but that’s something we just have to deal with.

Cindy: I agree with Velma, I think it was a mistake to choose this cruise over the Mississippi River cruise.

Betty: This cruise is longer, plus we’re going to New Orleans as a family in a few months anyway.

Velma: Is longer really better in this case? I’m freezing my melons off!

Teri: Freezing your melons off?

Velma: My boobs.

Teri: Well, I think they’d be warmer if you kept them away. They’re not going to do you much good here, anyway.

Velma: It’s an expression!

Teri: Is It?

Karl: I’m losing braincells on this trip.

Betty: Don’t you get negative now, too! You’re having fun, don’t let them ruin this for you!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -

Teri: God, now to top it all off, the ship’s gonna sink.

Announcer: if you look to the starboard side, you can see a whale breaching right beside us.

Betty: You can’t see that on the Mississippi River, can you?

Velma: I can’t see it now, not with all the people gawking in front of the window.

Betty: I’m going to the top deck, I bet you can see it really well up there.

Teri: Are you insane?

Betty: I paid goo-

Teri: You paid nothing for this trip.

Betty: I’m going to enjoy every second I can of this trip, whether you all want to join me in that or not.

Teri: And going on the top deck of a ship, exposed to the elements, is going to help you enjoy it?

Betty: No, but seeing a whale gracefully swim past us, up close in person, will.

Teri: You think seventy degrees is cold, you’re going to freeze up there. You don’t have a jacket on.

Betty: You only live once!

Teri: Just try not to cut it short by slipping on some ice up there.

Two nights later…

Betty: I can't believe none of you came to the dance last night.

Jerry: We were too buys getting ready for this thrilling night of bingo.

Cindy: That, and we already did the dance for you at home a few weeks ago when the oldies dance went terribly. That was enough dancing for us, we’re not Len Goodman.

Betty: I hope you are not all implying that you’ve not enjoyed this trip at all. We’ve gotten to do so much in the past few days!

Cindy: Today’s trip to Martha’s Vineyard was very ice. I appreciated that the temperature crept all the way up to forty degrees. Also, the lobster chowder was to die for. Even when I had to quickly slurp it down because the tour guide almost left without me.

Betty: He started the bus back up, he was ready to leave, but I screamed “I am not leaving without my daughter!” and he turned back. In his defense, he really did not know you were there.

Cindy: It was a nice day otherwise. I met Carly Simon, that was cool.

Jerry: I don’t fully understand why our driver drove us to her house, but who am I to complain?

Velma: You’re all talking over bingo, there is twenty dollars at stake here! I can’t miss anything!

Teri: You are the most frugal person I have ever met.

Velma: I like having financial security, is there a problem with that?

Teri: No, you have fun and play your bingo with the grannies.

Jerry: This boat is growing on me a little. The bartenders can make one hell of a cocktail, let me tell you.

Karl: How have you been feeling with your MS? It’s been a lot of walking with very little rest.

Jerry: I’m feeling okay. Moving around is supposed to help with it, it’s the cold that gets me.

Karl: Yeah, coming here in February wasn’t the smartest decision with you in your condition. It’s good you’re enjoying it, anyway.

Betty: I told you all that. you would enjoy this. It’s not how most people envision visiting Cape Cod or going on a cruise, but it’s unique, and that’s fitting for us.

Teri: We are certainly unique, yes. Rarely in a good way.

Velma: Bingo!

Teri: I know it’s true, that’s why I said it.

Velma: I won bingo! Show me the money!

Cindy: Well, that’s Velma’s vacation made.

Two days later…

Betty: I can’t believe this was our last day before we head home. Hyannis was so lovely.

Teri: Not for us! You kept posing in your flowery jacket and saying “I’m Jackie Kennedy!” It was embarrassing.

Betty: Look, that’s where the Kennedys vacationed. I felt their spirit.

Cindy: Sadly, it was too cold for me to feel anything.

Teri: It was almost fifty, diont’ be a snowflake.

Cindy: I know, I just feel like pushing her buttons. It’s the last day we can give her hell about it.

Betty: Not true! This is only our last day in Cape Cod, we have a stop in Plymouth tomorrow.

Jerry: What do they have there? A rock?

Betty: That is the main attraction, yes.

Jerry: Gonna be a great day, I think.

Karl: I know you all like to give her crap, but you have to admit it, your mother was right about this being fun. We enjoyed ourselves, even in the cold.

Velma: I won bingo!

Teri: I both can and can not believe that that’s what you took away from this trip.

Velma: What else was I supposed to take from it? That time Betty made us stand and look at seals for two hours? Or the time I almost died of heat stroke inside that lighthouse?

Betty: If it’s not too cold, it’s too hot. Make up your minds!

Karl: In fairness, Velma, they did warn you that three jackets may be overkill up there.

Velma: It still wasn’t my fault! Don’t blame the victim!

Jerry: There once was a man from Nantucket, and we got to go see his old stomping grounds. That was fun!

Teri: It was very small. I didn’t expect that.

Velma: Thank god it was small, Cindy still almost got us lost. The boat nearly left without us.

Teri: That was a theme, wasn’t it?

Cindy: You know what? I’m tired of hearing the whining, and you’re all hogging the entrance to the ship. So shut it and shuffle back onto that damn boat.

Teri: I’m shocked I’m saying this, but I think I’m really going to miss this.

Betty: It’s a good thing I made us go on Virginia Family Challenge then! You’re welcome!

Teri: No, that was terrible and I hated it and this doesn’t make up for it. But nice try.

Karl: Well, those are certainly heartwarming words for us to think back on when we remember this vacation.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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