Our House Season 5 Episode 16 - Our Elevator

Our House Season 5, Episode 16

Our Elevator

The family is sitting around the dinner table.

Tammi: I had the best day.

Ralph: That’s great. Cindy, can ya pass the salt?

Betty: You don’t need any salt, it’s not good for you.

Ralph: I’m too old for you to be telling me what to do.

Tammi: Does no one care about my best day?

Teri: Doesn’t seem it.

Velma: I care.

Teri: Velma’s never met a story she didn’t want to hear.

Tammi: I went out for lunch with the people from my work, and we had a wonderful time.

Velma: That’s the whole story?

Tammi: I didn’t say it was a long story.

Velma: It barely was one!

Teri: Oh boy, Velma’s pissed!

Betty: I have some news.

Velma: Hopefully juicer than Tammi’s non-story.

Betty: I’m having my year physical at the doctor tomorrow.

Velma: My god, that one’s even worse.

Ralph: Does anyone actually have anything interesting to share?

Frank: I got a kid suspended from school today because I reported his search history to the principal. Could’ve let it slide but, I didn’t.

Teri: Man, what a loser.

Ralph: I’m starting to think we see each other too much.

Mitchell: I could do for like a 25% reduction in time spent together.

Velma: The feeling’s mutual.

Mitchell: Why do you have to be so mean?

Teri: That’s our thing, man.

Karl: All right, maybe we can wrap up the family chat early tonight. We all basically look done with dinner, we can just go watch some TV instead.

Steven: I didn’t get to tell my story yet!

Jerry: You can lead with it tomorrow! Good chat, everyone!

Steven: It’s important!

Frank: Look, as long as Alysa’s not pregnant, it’s not important enough to make me spend any more time at this table. If I wanted to get bullied non-stop, I’d open my TikTok account and look at the comments.

Steven: Why would Alys-

Teri: You ever meet this family?

The next day…

Teri: Where are you off to all dressed up?

Betty: The doctor. I told you all last night.

Teri: Oh, yeah, the boring story.

Betty: It wasn’t boring!

Teri: It was, but that’s not what I choose to focus on now. Why are you so dressed up for a physical?

Betty: I have to look nice. I only see the man once or twice a year, I need to leave a good impression.

Teri: I saw you when you went in with the flu. Trust me, a good impression was not left.

Betty: I’m not sick now, I feel great. I have to look great, too.

Teri: Okay, as long as you’re happy with that. Good luck today.

Betty: I genuinely appreciate the kind words, sweetheart.

Teri: I’m happy to be here to encourage you. That’s the kind of person I am.

Karl: You seem to be patting yourself on the back a bit.

Betty: Let her! She was nice to me for a change, she deserves a victory lap.

Teri: Yeah, don’t be so hard on me!

One hour later…

Betty: Oh, no, you go ahead. I’m early for my appointment, I can wait for the next elevator.

Woman: Thank you very much.

Betty: No problem!

The other elevator opens and Betty walks in, as the doors begin to close, someone walks in.

Anita: Of all the elevators in the world, you had to be in this one?

Betty: Are you kidding me? My day was going so well! Walking on Sunshine was on the radio when I drove here.

Anita: That song is so cheesy.

Betty: Of course you’d dislike a song that’s about pure joy.

Anita: I’m sorry I have taste and standards.

Betty: Can you just wait for the other elevator?

Anita: The door is already closed.

Betty: You can get out on the next floor.

Anita: That’s only five floors before I’m getting out to begin with.

Betty: Still.

Anita: How about you get off on the next floor? I’m running late for my appointment.

Betty: The other elevator just went all the way to the top floor, I know how long it’s going to take to get back down.

Anita: You were fine sending me to wait for it.

Betty: Of course I was, I hate you!

Anita: It’s good to see you haven’t gotten any nicer since the last time I saw you. Must mean you haven’t hit your head or been diagnosed with a personality-altering brain tumor recently.

Betty: I’m shocked you’d see those as positives.

Anita: I’m not a hateful person. I’ll leave that for you. It’s the area where you really thrive.

Betty: Have you ever met yourself?

Anita: I’m quite familiar with my generous heart, yes.

Betty: Is there a gas leak or something? You’re not making any sense.

Anita: Now you know what it’s like to talk with you.

Betty: There we go! There’s the Anita I know and can’t stand!

The elevator stops moving.

Anita: What did you do, moron? Did you yank the emergency stop because I roasted you a little?

Betty: I didn’t do it!

Anita: Then who did?

Betty: I don’t know!

Anita: Do not tell me I’m trapped in here with you.

Betty: Look, that’s the last thing I want to be telling anyone!

Anita: I have an appointment to get to! My ankle has never recovered from the injury I sustained in the fall run, I’ve been going to physical therapy for months. One week missing it, you begin to slip out of it, and I can’t let that happen before I’m healed.

Betty: We’re halfway between floors. I think you should try to pry that door open and crawl through the hole.

Anita: I’ve seen horror movies, I know how that ends. Pass. Although, being split in two does sound a bit tempting when the alternative is sitting in here alone with you for the next several hours.

Betty: Thankfully, I brought my brand-new Air Buds with me to listen to.

Anita: Air Buds? Like the dog who plays basketball?

Betty: Is that not what they’re called?

Anita: AirPods. Or, if you got the knockoff brand like I would guess you did, they’re just ear buds.

Betty: I don’t do knockoffs. I have an iPhone.

Anita: 8. You have an iPhone 8. You probably got it for free because your phone carrier was just desperate to find anyone to take it off your hands.

Betty: You know what you are? Classist.

Anita: You learn that on Twitter?

Betty: I don’t use Twitter anymore, I cant’ stand Ellen DeGeneres.

Anita: Do you mean Elon Musk?

Betty: Is that the name of some science thing?

Anita: Uh.. not really, no. He concerns himself with - never mind.

Betty: I’m going to call my family to tell them about my good fortune. You just hold all of those brilliant thoughts in for a few minutes, okay?

Anita: I have to call Alysa to tell her what’s up. Lord knows my husband won’t pick up.

Betty: Sounds like a great relationship you two have.

Anita: It keeps the spark alive.

Betty: What does? Ignoring each other?

Anita: Just call your merry gaggle of freaks!

Betty picks up the phone and calls Karl.

Karl: Hey, honey. What’s going on? I’m a little busy right now. I just got to the store, lots of orders came in so Jerry and I are sorting them out and getting prices on them.

Betty: Oh, then I’ll make this quick, okay?

Karl: Are you just calling to pass the time in the waiting room again? You can’t do that, you missed the nurse calling for you the last time you did it.

Betty: I’m not doing that, I haven’t made it to the waiting room yet.

Karl: What are you waiting for? Doesn’t it start at 9:30?

Betty: I’m trapped in an elevator, honey.

Karl: Trapped in an elevator?

Betty: Exactly, yes. You’re never going to guess who I’m here with!

Karl: Your doctor?

Betty: Anita.

Karl: Should I call the funeral home or the lawyer?

Betty: Both? Neither? I don't know. Lawyer to be safe, I plan on winning this fight.

Karl: We are joking, right? You’re not actually going to kill her?

Betty: Of course I’m joking! I’m not going to prison because of her!

Karl: Okay, good. I’ll make a few calls and let people know you’re in there. Hang tight, you’re going to be out soon.

Betty: How soon is soon? The sound of her voice makes me angry.

Karl: Soon enough. It’s all going to be okay.

Betty: Easy for you to say. You didn’t have to watch her stress-floss.

Karl: Okay, I’m going to find someone to call about this now. I love you, and stay strong!

Betty: Love you! And hurry!

Betty hangs up.

Betty: So, did you get ahold of Alysa?

Anita: She yelled at me for bothering her at school before I could tell her. Apparently I embarrassed her in front of all her friends because the teacher yelled at her for having her phone ringer on.

Betty and Anita: Kids these days…

Anita: That’s okay, though. I’m sure she didn’t really care all that much anyway. As long as I’m home in time to give her dinner and keep the house clean, she won’t mind.

Betty: Now, I’m sure that isn’t true. Despite being the product of a demon, your daughter is actually quite sweet. Steven is very happy when he’s with her.

Anita: Why did we ever agree to that, by the way? They were supposed to fizzle out, instead they only seem crazier and crazier about one another. What if they’re those high school sweethearts who actually do get married?

Betty: Then I am going to have to kill you.

Anita: I walked in on them kissing a few days ago. On the mouth!

Betty: I can understand how seeing affection you be traumatic for you, as I assume you don’t get any.

Anita: They are falling for one another!

Betty: Let me tell you a story.

Anita: Oh, can hardly wait.

Betty: Shut it, this one’s good.

Anita: It better relate to this in some way. We’re not friends, I don’t need to hear your stories from when you were a girl in the 1870s.

Betty: Many, many years ago, my daughter was dating a boy. I didn’t like this boy very much, I didn’t trust him or his intentions with Cindy. His family was very strange, the town pariahs -

Anita: Wonder where I’ve heard that before?

Betty: Anyway, Cindy and him kept going with one another even though I didn’t want them to. After some time, though, I learned to accept it. You want to guess who that boy was?

Anita: How in the hell should I know?

Betty: It was Jerry!

Anita: Springer?

Betty: My son-in-law!

Anita: That’s a terrible story! Those two got married eventually, AFTER he knocked her up when she was sixteen!

Betty: fifteen, actually, she turned sixteen before she gave birth.

Anita: Why do you willingly volunteer this information?

Betty: Because I’m not ashamed of my family. I love them, many flaws and all.

Anita: What exactly was the point of sharing that story with me, the person who under no circumstances wants your grandson to be my son-in-law?

Betty: I just wanted to freak you out. Worked, no?

Anita: I loathe you!

Betty: And I wouldn’t cross the street to spit on you if you were on fire.

Betty’s phone rings.

Betty: Oh, it’s my niece.

Anita: You don’t have to rub it in that your insane family actually cares about you, you know.

Betty picks up her phone.

Velma: Oh my god, Betty! Mitchell tells me you’re in an elevator with Anita?

Betty: How did Mitchell know?

Velma: He heard from Karl at work.

Betty: He actually went?

Velma: I know, I’m as surprised as you are. Anyway, how are you feeling? We all know how you feel about her, you must be going crazy.

Betty: Well, Anita’s completely losing her mind, and I am so enjoying that. So that’s been a source of entertainment, at least.

Velma: What’s she doing?

Betty: Just ranting non-stop about stuff that doesn’t matter. She’s spiraling over Alysa and Steven.
Velma: Oh, that’s fun.

Anita: Your know, I'm right here!

Betty: How could I possibly not be aware of that? We’re in a 5 by 5 box!

Anita: It’s actually not a perfect square.

Betty: Yeah, well you are.

Anita: I thought we were bonding.

Betty: When did you think that?

Teri: Hey, are you talking to mom?

Velma: Yeah.

Teri: Mom! You there?

Betty: Teri! I’m stuck in an elevator!

Teri: I’ve heard! How’s that going?

Velma: Anita’s losing her mind and she’s enjoying it.

Betty: What she said!

Teri: Well that’s good to here. You got anything else to do in there?

Betty: Not really, no.

Velma: This is why I always travel with a book. You can never go wrong with a book in your purse.

Teri: What about when you go to a concert that doesn’t let you take anything larger than a small clutch?

Velma: Then I don’t bring a book.

Teri: Great to get such valuable insight.

Velma: So, whe-

The phone cuts out.

Betty: Oh, damn! My phone died!

Anita: That’s why you don’t get an iPhone 8.

Betty: Are you going to be like this until we get out of here?

Anita: Like what? A realist?

Betty: Hey, by any chance do you have a book with you?

Anita: A book? What sort of psycho travels with a book?

Three hours later…

Betty: Are you kidding me? I was just about to win and you out an X there?

Anita: That’s sort of the point of tic-tac-toe, no?

Betty: No! You’re supposed to let the nice old lady win!

Anita: There is no nice old lady in this elevator.

Betty: Let’s just restart and play again. That was a draw

Anita: I don’t have any other paper.

Betty: Erase it then!

Anita: Erase a pen?

Betty: What are we going to do with ourselves now? I have no phone, we can’t play tic-tac-toe, we’ve exhausted all possible conversation options, I’m clueless.

Anita: You’re used to that, I’m guessing?

Betty: Maybe we should just go to sleep and wait for us to starve to death so they can find our skeletons in here?

Anita: Statistically, you’d die of dehydration first, and it takes more than a few hours.

Betty: Look around you, Anita! No one’s coming for us! We’re stuck here, forever!

Anita: It has been four hours.

Betty: Four hours turns into four days, which turns into four weeks, which turns into death!

Anita: Actually, the dehydration would kill us well before the four weeks. Actually, we’d be dead around the four day mark.

Betty: This is why I’m panicking! We’re goners!

Anita: I can’t believe I’m helping you, but I guess it also helps me, so it evens out. Betty, breathe in.

Betty: I can’t breathe in, there’s not enough fresh air in here for me to do deep breaths!

Anita: We’re in an elevator, not a pine box. Theres’ enough air.

Betty: Okay, breathing in then.

Anita: Just think of something that makes you happy.

Betty: Bonnie Raitt winning. Song of the Year.

Anita: Sure, if that brings you peace.

Betty: People are dragging her, saying it sh-

Anita: Think of something calming! No ranting. PMA, positive mental attitude.

Betty: Abbott Elementary is on tonight.

Anita: There you go!

Betty: And it better beat Ted Lasso at the Em-

Anita: Positive thoughts!

Betty: I’ve seen 80 for Brady four times. It ages like fine wine, just like Rita Moreno herself.

Anita: Better!

Betty: But I’m missing my fifth showing because of this elevator!

Anita: Five showings of 80 for Brady? In six days?

Betty: It’s the cinematic event of the yea-

Anita: Oh my god, we’re moving! I can be mean to you again!

Betty: Free at last, free at last, thank God Almigh-

Anita: No, that’s offensive, don’t appropriate that.

Betty: Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Dr. King!

Anita: The minute that door opens will be the highlight of my year.

Betty: Do you think the doctor will still take me for my appointment?

Anita: Betty…

Betty: Yeah?

Anita: That’s your problem, not mine.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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