Marietta is the car with her family.
Patty Lynn: You excited for the big parade? You’re the grand marshal!
Marietta: I’d be more excited if I wasn’t a last-minute replacement because the original one went on an antisemitic rant.
Milton: In hindsight, Kanye West was a pretty strange pick to begin with.
Sarah: Ye!
Milton: What are you cheering for?
Marietta: Milton, stop being a boomer.
Milton: You’re older than me!
Marietta: But I’m much more hip.
Milton: Like hell you are!
Martin: Everyone shut up! I can’t even think about which way to turn.
Marietta: Maybe it was a bad idea to let dad drive.
Kathleen: I think the bad idea was letting us all drive together. Didn’t take a rocket scientist to know this was going to be an extra annoying car ride.
Patty Lynn: Why do I always seem to find myself trapped in a car with you?
Kathleen: Trapped? You love it.
Martin: It’s Mardi Gras, the city is in enough chaos so as it is without me driving into someone, so how about we avoid that?
Marietta: I think dad just threatened to commit vehicular homicide if we don’t quiet down.
Milton: Hard to blame him.
Thirty minutes later…
Amy: Where in the hell were you?
Marietta: In traffic. You may not have noticed, but it’s a bit hectic around here this time of year.
Tammy: Marietta, we have news.
Marietta: Are they bringing Kanye back? Damn.
Tammy: No, no. Someone else is here to upstage you, though.
Marietta: Is it that thirsty bitch Patti LuPone? She was grand marshal last year, is that not enough?
Tammy: It’s POTUS.
Marietta: POTUS? Does he have nothing better to do than attend a parade?
Sarah: Politicians love parades. I’ve learned from overhearing dozens of arguments in this family about which one of you gets to be front-and-center at each one.
Marietta: We’re a parade town. A town President Delphy is not from, I might add!
Amy: And that’s why he is just here to visit it and now the grand marshal. He’s a tourist, you’re the star of the show.
Marietta: He’s here to sabotage me.
Tammy: Honey, I honestly don’t think you’re high enough on his enemies list for him to come to a parade just to upstage your grand marshal appearance.
Kathleen: Let her have her delusions of grandeur, they don’t harm anyone.
Marietta: All right, maybe it’s far-fetched that Delphy came here just to pull one over on me. But we all know Dede loves to come here and we have a sort of rivalry that’s been going on for years. She could’ve put him up to it.
Tammy: The President actually listening to the Vice President is even more far-fetched. Come on, Marietta, get real.
Marietta: What would you know about presidents? Never mind.
Dede: Why is this clown dancing so aggressively at me?
Marietta: Funny, that’s what I thought as I saw you walk over to me!
Dede: Still a middle-schooler, I see.
Marietta: I appreciate that you think I’m still youthful. I do try to radiate that energy.
Milton: Madam Vice President, to what do we owe the pleasure?
Dede: I’m here to enjoy a parade, sadly I’ve run across a flock of squawking hens who seem determined to ruin it for me.
Marietta: Is the entire federal government here for the Marcia Grad parade?
Dede: You’re not in the federal government anymore, remember?
Amy: I’m sorry to interrupt -
Marietta: Don’t be.
Amy: We have to get going. The parade’s going to start soon, and you need to be on the float before it begins.
Tammy: Yes, you certainly do, I remembered that.
Dede: I suppose I can part with you, if it’s important. It does break my heart that our reunion will be so short, but my heart will go on.
Marietta: I’d say to have fun today, but I don’t really care if you do or not.
Dede: I hope you fall off the float and get run over.
Marietta: Oh, don’t whisper sweet nothings to me in public like that! You’re going to make me blush!
Two hours later…
Marietta: You know, I gotta be honest, that parade’s a lot more fun when you get to see all of the floats. It’s a little boring just sitting on one and waving for two hours. Not to mention, my arm is tired.
Martin: But you did so well sitting there waving.
Milton: I would hope so.
Tammy: I can’t believe I wasn’t allowed on the float.
Marietta: They were very strict about the “family only” rule. I fought for you.
Amy: Did you?
Marietta: No, but I did want her on there.
Tammy: I was the First Lady of the United States! They do not get to tell me I can’t be on a float! I turn them down!
Marietta: I know that was traumatic for you, but look on the bright side. There is so much food here for us to enjoy. Look at these potatoes!
Tammy: This has been sitting out for hours.
Marietta: So?
Tammy: I’m going to pass.
Marietta: Don’t be in such a mood.
Tammy: I’ll stick to the donuts and the king cake. Nothing dairy that may destroy my gut.
Marietta: Since when are potatoes dairy?
Sarah: Around the time the cheese melted all over the top of it.
Marietta: So none of you want to enjoy the fruit of our labor?
Martin: We didn’t make any of this food ourselves, this is the fruit of someone else’s labor.
Dede: The clown is chasing me again! Help!
Marietta: Anyone wanna…?
Kathleen: Trip her? Yes.
Tammy: Mmm! This donut is great, very highly recommend it. Don’t poison yourself!
Marietta: It’s Mardi Gras, nothing bad is going to happen at Mardi Gras. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the magic.
Tammy: Where do you see seats?
Marietta: It’s an expression, stop being a Debbie Downer!
Kyle: Mom! You were great!
Patty Lynn: What are you two kids doing here?
Maria: Enjoying some peace and quiet.
Kathleen: Where do you see that?
Maria: Compared to the two screaming idiots I have at home, this is peaceful.
Kyle: It’s been a stressful morning.
Maria: I asked myself if all this was worth it today. I’m still not fully convinced I believe it is.
Marietta: All moms feel like that at some point. This one put me through the ringer all the time.
Kyle: When?
Marietta: What’s important is you’ve made it here now for Mardi Gras!
Patty Lynn: This is the first time we’ve ever been together to experience it! and I got to be co-grand marshal!
Marietta: Excuse me?
Patty Lynn: I was on the float.
Marietta: So was aunt Kathleen, I don’t see her calling herself co-grand marshal.
Kathleen: No, but I’ll gladly accept the title. That was pretty hard work, smiling for all that time.
Maria: I’m glad you all seem to have had fun on your float. Wish we made it here in time to be up there.
Kyle: You know I don’t like the attention like that.
Maria: Oh, so you put our kids up to acting like that so we’d be late?
Kyle: I would never!
Maria: Unconvincing.
Tammy: Not all of us got to go up there. Some of us weren’t considered “family” enough.
Amy: But you only hear one of us crying about it.
Sarah (singing): One of us is crying.
Amy: The kids know ABBA these days?
Sarah: Mamma Mia.
Marietta: It’s a shame you two missed seeing the Vice President, it was nice to have the opportunity to make fun of her.
Maria: She’s here? All we keep hearing about is the president being here for some reason.
Marietta: He’s here to overshadow me. The man’s a menace.
Patty Lynn: I forgot he was even here.
Kathleen: You forget a lot
Patty Lynn: Did anyone see him in the crowd?
Milton: How would any of us have seen him in the crowd?
Patty Lynn: I don't know, I feel like it would’t be that hard to spot a president in a crowd. He has so much security around him.
Milton: That’s a good point, I guess. I didn’t see the Secret Service anywhere.
Amy: Maybe he wasn’t even here. It could have just been a communication error with the media. Lord knows how many of those we’ve had in our office.
Tammy: There’s a big difference between the two, though: the White House presumably made an attempt to hire someone qualified to be communications director.
Amy: Just eat your frickin’ donut.
Tammy: I ate the last one. I tired to eat that damn cake, but there was a chunk of plastic in it.
Martin: Oh, that means you’re lucky!
Tammy: Huh?
Amy: Damn, what a yankee she is.
Tammy: I am not a yankee! I like the Dodgers!
Marietta: It’s because she’s old enough to remember when they played in Brooklyn!
Martin: Finding the plastic baby in the cake signifies luck and prosperity.
Tammy: Boy, could I ever use the luck.
Dede: My god! This is place is terrifying! Why does anyone like this holiday?
Marietta: Ah, man, I hope someone’s filming that.
Sarah: I am!
Marietta: Good. That’s gonna be an awesome SNL sketch.
The next morning…
Tammy: Marietta, where are you? It’s ten o’clock, you have a meeting with John.
Marietta: I think I’m dying.
Tammy: Oh, honey. We all are eventually. It’s natural to feel a bit of existential doom over it, you told me that a few weeks ago.
Marietta: Those potatoes au gratin, they were rotten.
Tammy: I told you not to eat them!
Marietta: I have been in the bathroom all morning since 4 AM. I got four hours of sleep and now I feel sicker than I’ve ever felt in my life.
Tammy: Stay hydrated, and try to get some sleep. It should pass soon, don’t worry about coming in to work. We’ll work around your absence.
Marietta: Okay. But if I die, don’t let Reggie be mayor.
Tammy: I’ll see what I can do.
Marietta: I’ll haunt all of you if he does.
Tammy: Feel better, my nearest and dearest friend!
Tammy hangs up.
Amy: I take it she isn’t dead?
Tammy: No, not dead.
Henrietta: Did she oversleep?
Tammy: Marietta has food poisoning, but don’t worry, she still has her sense of humor. Still making puns, still being mean to me. She’ll be back in a few days, tops.
Henrietta: What are we going to do without her?
Amy: A question I have never once asked myself.
Henrietta: Don’t be mean.
Amy: I’m honest.
Tammy: We’re going to manage without her. We’re all experienced in politics, this is not our first radio. Heck, I pushed a healthcare expansion bill through the Senate when I was majority leader even though three of my members were out with the flu. I can manage a day or two of Marietta’s meetings.
Henrietta: I’m not sure anyone would call me experienced.
Tammy: You’re experienced enough, you’re going to be a big help getting us through this.
Amy: She gets the crap jobs. She can meet with all the annoying people.
Tammy: Glad we’re all so willing to pull our weight around here.
The next day…
Amy: Tammy, could you come here?
Tammy: Any reason you can’t share with the room?
Amy: I’m just sort of in disbelief and I need someone who I trust to verify that I’m hearing what I think I’m hearing.
Henrietta: Don’t you trust me?
Amy: Usually, yeah. But I think there’s a solid chance this is a prank, and I know for sure that Tammy does not have the technological knowledge to pull this off.
Henrietta: I did no such thing.
Amy: That’s what pranksters always say.
Tammy: If what you were heard was the President of the United States requested a meeting with Marietta, then yeah, you heard correctly.
Amy: Henrietta, you promise you didn’t fake a call?
Henrietta: Of course I didn’t!
Amy: I guess it’s real. Wild stuff.
Tammy: I think I have to call Marietta and ask her about it. Just in case she thinks she’s up to it.
Amy: With her luck, she’d puke right in his lap.
Henrietta: And he would deserve it!
Tammy walks into Marietta’s office and calls her.
Tammy: How are you feeling?
Marietta: Like death.
Tammy: I thought bad things never happened at Mardi Gras?
Marietta: I was wrong, stop rubbing it in.
Tammy: You sound good!
Marietta: What do you want?
Tammy: Can I not compliment my friend without it meaning I want something?
Marietta: Not when you do it so blatantly. I sound like death.
Tammy: You sound better than you did yesterday, all I was saying.
Marietta: I still won’t make it in today. Hoping for tomorrow. Sarah’s been taking very good care of me.
Tammy: Sarah? You’re making her career for you?
Marietta: No, mom is also trying to,. It’s just that everything she does stresses me out and makes me feel worse. Sarah’s the one actually helping.
Tammy: How is your mother making you feel worse?
Marietta: She comes in in a face mask, just in case I have some sort of contagion.
Tammy: Food poisoning isn-
Marietta: Well aware.
Patty Lynn: Honey, you need to get off the phone! You need rest!
Marietta: Yes, mother.
Patty Lynn: Don’t give me a tone!
Marietta: Tammy,. I gotta go.
Tammy: Wait! I didn’t get to ask you my question!
Marietta: Quick, before Attila smashes my phone.
Tammy: I assume you’re still too sick, but the President requested a meeting with you.
Marietta: Did I fall into a coma that was long enough for Brian Delphy to be voted out of office?
Tammy: No, he wants to meet you!
Marietta: I’d rather meet the President of Finland again.
Tammy: Wouldn’t we all?
Marietta: As flattered as I am by his offer to be humiliated by me, I’m too sick. Maybe tomorrow.
Tammy: Okay, just wanted to run it by you. Feel better.
Tammy hangs up.
Amy: So, is she on her way for her glamorous meeting with POTUS? Her arrival is anxiously awaited, as always.
Tammy: She’s not coming. Still too sick, maybe tomorrow.
Amy: The President is leaving town tomorrow.
Tammy: We’re just going to have to figure something out, I guess.
The next day…
Marietta: I’m ba-ack!
Tammy: It’s so good to see you in the flesh!
Amy: You look -
Tammy: Great! You look great.
Marietta: I’m still a bit week, my stomach’s still foul, I might not be able to stay the whole day. But I am here. When am I meeting the President?
Tammy: That was yesterday. He had to get back to DC.
Amy: Unlike being mayor, president is an actual job.
Marietta: Oh. Glad I got out of that. HE had to have been pretty pissed off to get denied, though.
Amy: We didn’t quite deny the meeting.
Marietta: What does that mean?
Tammy: We sent Henrietta. POTUS thought she was an assistant at first and was furious you were making him wait. When he found out you weren’t coming, and that we sent her in your place, he was… you know, he said some things.
Henrietta: He called us a “clown show.”
Marietta: First time I’ll ever agree with him,
Amy: I don’t know what he intended to meet with you about, since Henrietta dropped the ball -
Henrietta: You were the one I said I would meet with the annoying people!
Tammy: It doesn’t really matter, does it? Not like the man can dislike us any more than he already does.
Marietta: It is not my fault you refused to go to his inauguration.
Tammy: I was sick.
Marietta: In the head, maybe.
Tammy: Must you be so cruel?
Marietta: Yes.
Tammy: Maybe if you’d listen to me sometimes, you wouldn’t be struck with food-borne illness because you had to eat old parade potatoes at Mardi Gras.
Marietta: They were delicious.
Tammy: Yeah, the salmonella really sweetened the deal there.
Henrietta: They’re like an old married couple.
Amy: They’re worse. So much worse.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
