Marietta and Tammy are at lunch.
Marietta: This is nice, Tammy. We never get to have lunch together anymore, just the two of us.
Tammy: And we get too enjoy the beautiful Christmas decorations. This city is so beautiful at Christmas time.
Marietta: Well, we have to go all-out with the decorations to make up for the fact that it’s eighty degrees outside and we will never have a white Christmas.
Tammy: I know someone coming down for a visit this Christmas.
Marietta: Oh, who?
Tammy: John Murray. Kate told me today.
Marietta: John? I haven’t heard from him since we left office.
Tammy: That feels like an eternity ago.
Marietta: How’s he doing? Maybe we can have a visit or something.
Tammy: Kate didn’t tell me much, just that he needed a getaway to clear his head.
Marietta: I’ll give him a call, tell him to stop in and see me. Nothing cheers a person up like getting to spend time with me.
Tammy: Uh-huh.
Marietta: That sounded quite sarcastic.
Tammy: Nope, you light up my life.
Marietta: I hate that song.
Tammy: I’ll sing the Little Drummer Boy to get it out of your head.’
Marietta: You wouldn’t dare.
Tammy (singing): Pa rum pum pum pum
Marietta: Ah! What does it mean? It’s so awful!
One week later…
Henrietta: Marietta, there’s a visitor for you.
Marietta: Is it Kyle? I have to yell at him if it is. He still hasn't told me what I wa-
John: Landfield!
Marietta: Murray!
Henrietta: It’s John Murray.
Amy: I think she knows.
Henrietta: Just had to be safe.
John: This place sure is decorated for Christmas
Marietta: Henrietta’s gotta earn her salary somehow.
Amy: She’s our official Walmart greeter, Captain Obvious, and interior decorator.
Henrietta: You know, I could be taking one of those earned sick days and spending this last week before Christmas with my daughter.
John: You have a daughter? You look eight!
Amy: I say more like twelve, but still.
Marietta: I’m going to say something devastating, but also true. Have you considered that maybe it’s less that Henrietta looks very young and more that we are all very old?
Amy: No, that sounds nonsensical.
Tammy: You know, I’m also here, John!
John: Tammy, good to see you.
Tammy: You sounded a lot happier for her.
John: Well, Marietta and I worked together a lot more than you and I did. I’m still glad to see you, though. How’d you end up working here?
Tammy: It’s a long story.
Amy: She retired from the Senate, realized she wasn’t ready t leave politics, and somehow ended up working in the mayor’s office despite being the former US First Lady and Senate Majority Leader. It’s a truly inspirational tale of how fast your career can deteriorate.
Tammy: Aren’t you supposed to be nice at Christmas time?
Henrietta: She’s an angry elf.
Amy: I am not an elf! I am 5’8”, that is tall!
Henrietta: I was quoting Elf.
Amy: Stop saying that word!
Marietta: They truly radiate the spirit of Christmas, don’t they?
John: It’s okay, I’m not exactly feeling the spirit of Christmas myself this year.
Marietta: I heard something to that effect. What’s going on?
John: Can we talk in private? These ladies are very nice -
Amy: No, we aren’t.
John: but it’s something I don’t like to talk about much.
Marietta: Uh, sure. Step on in here, and please ignore the dancing Santa on my desk. He is motion and light-activated.
Tammy: Am I allowed to come with?
John: Of course, don’t be silly!
Amy: Hear that, Hen? It’s just us that can’t come in.
Henrietta: We’re used to being third and fourth wheel.
Amy: Well, now we’re more fourth wheel and spare tire.
Marietta: Can you two stop your complaining?
Tammy: Amy? Complaining? So unlike her.
In Marietta’s office…
Marietta: So, J-
John: Is that thing going to stop?
Marietta: Amy! How do I turn this off?
John: Can she hear you out there?
Marietta: Trust me, John. If I slammed my door open, I’d be driving two idiots to the hospital for head trauma because they’re leaving against it eavesdropping.
Amy: I am not!
Marietta: How do I turn off the dancing Santa?
Amy: Why would you want to?
Marietta: It’s calling me a ho!
Amy: Just throw it out the window.
Marietta: It was a gift from my mother!
Tammy: Oh, for god’s sake, pull the batteries out!
Marietta: Why didn’t I think of that?
Tammy: I don’t know. John, I’m sorry for this.
John: Don’t apologize, I’ll take all the laughs I can get.
Marietta: So what’s up, bud?
John: Well… my divorce was finalized two weeks ago. Because I’ve been so busy in court with the divorce, I’ve been told my the state party that they’ve gotten so many complaints about my lack of constituent services that they’re not endorsing my re-election campaign and may support a primary challenge.
Marietta: That’s certainly not what I wanted to hear! Sorry about that!
John: I guess I’m glad to be past it now, but it’s still very draining. I don’t feel quite like myself.
Marietta: That’s understandable. I had a very amicable divorce and it still rips a bit of your heart out.
John: I don’t want to dwell on it, so I came down here to get back in a better head space.
Marietta: I will say this, if you can’t find the Christmas spirit in New Orleans, you’re not going to find it anywhere.
Tammy: Yes, what says “Happy holidays” better than humidity and eighty-degree heat?
Marietta: I am known around town as the “Christmas Queen.”
Tammy: No one calls you that.
Marietta: I have single-handedly secured the funding for thousands of dollars worth of Christmas decorations here in New Orleans, I sort of saved Christmas.
Tammy: Oh, you and your ego.
John: The city looks good, though. Hopefully it can help me get back in the holiday spirit, I really need it.
Marietta: How long are you here for?
John: Just ’til the twenty-third. Gotta get up to Connecticut for whatever is left of the holiday, but figured even a few days down here could help.
Marietta: Okay, we need to spend some more time together while you’re here. I know all the places that can get you out of the funk.
Tammy: And I have Mitch, and he helps many people get out of their moods.
John: How is the President doing?
Tammy: Still getting used to the Louisiana winters. A bit jarring to never have to shovel snow as a New Yorker.
John: That sounds like heaven.
Tammy: It’s one thing to consider if you do lose that primary! Just saying!
Marietta: Tammy, this is why he was more excited to see me than you.
John: I always say you gotta laugh to keep from crying. Joke on!
Four days later…
Patty Lynn: You should stay for dinner. It’s late!
Marietta: I have something at home, don’t worry about me.
Sarah: Yes, she has leftover chicken nuggets. Maybe a Taco Bell chalupa from last week.
Marietta: You’re not even staying with me right now, no need to concern yourself with what leftovers I may or may not be eating.
Patty Lynn: Why would you eat leftovers when you can have a meal cooked with love?
Marietta: Fine, I will eat with you. Happy?
Patty Lynn: Yes, actually.
Milton: I didn’t need to be coaxed into staying, it was always the plan for me, because I love you.
Kathleen: Milton, don’t be a kiss-ass.
Milton: What?
Martin: She’s not wrong.
Marietta’s phone rings.
Patty Lynn: What does Tammy want now? You just left work!
Marietta: Actually, I left work two hours ago. I was Christmas shopping, remember?
Patty Lynn: Oh, right. I tried to erase from my memory there fact that my daughter thinks it’s appropriate to shop for gifts three days before Christmas!
Marietta: Hey, at least I decorated before then. THat’s what really matters, right?
Sarah: Is it?
Marietta: I know you’re not saying that about me! Not when I bought you Olivia Rodrigo tickets for Christmas last year!
Sarah: You made me go with you and grandma! It was so embarrassing!
Marietta: No Christmas spirit with this one!
Sarah: Grandma was screaming the lyrics in my ear, it felt like I was driving in the car with her and not at a once-in-a-lifetime concert.
Marietta: You know how much that cost? Damn right it was once-in-a-lifetime.
Marietta’s phone rings again.
Martin: Are you going to answer that.
Marietta: I completely forgot it even rang before.
Kathleen: Your mother’s fault.
Patty Lynn: I’m sorry my Christmas spirit distracted her, I’ll be less joyful in the future.
Marietta answers her phone.
Marietta: Ho-ho-hello!
John: Marietta…
Marietta: Oh boy. What’s wrong?
John: My ex just told me her and the kids are going to Michigan for Christmas to visit her new boyfriend’s parents. I won’t get to see my kids on Christmas.
Marietta: That’s terrible!
John: I don’t even know what to do anymore. I wasn’t going to get to see them long, but I was at least going to get to see them before. Now I get nothing, and she didn’t even ask my permission. I think I’m just going to skip Christmas this year. what is the point?
Marietta: John! There is always a point in celebrating the most wonderful time of the year!
John: The poet of Christmas is being with the ones you love. Who do I have?
Marietta: Your parents! Your siblings.
John: They don’t live in Connecticut. I just wanted to go home. I might as well just extend my vacation now.
Marietta: Give me one second, okay? I have to do something.
John: Yeah, sure. Not like I have anything else to do.
Marietta puts the phone on mute.
Marietta: Mom, I have a question to ask you.
Patty Lynn: That’s usually not a good sign, but I’ll ask anyway. What is your question?
Marietta: My friend John is in town, he just got divorced. He doesn’t have a family to go home to, he can’t even see his kids. I was wondering if he could come over here on Christmas. I don’t want him to be so lonely.
Patty Lynn: The more the merrier. I don’t know him, though, so he can’t stay Christmas Eve like everyone else.
Marietta: Thank you, this will mean a lot to him.
Milton: Do you mean John Murray?
Marietta: Yeah.
Milton: Oh, he’s been so mopey lately. You really want him here for Christmas?
Martin: Milton! We raised you better than that!
Milton: I was just making sure mom was okay with having Debbie Downer at the family Christmas.
Sarah: Apparently dad has never heard the classic Darlene Love song rom Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, All Alone on Christmas. Nobody oughta be all alone on Christmas! Not even mopey senators I’ve never met!
Patty Lynn: She’s completely right. This is a welcoming, loving home. I don’t want anyone spending the holidays alone when it’s no trouble to have them here.
Marietta: I’ll let him know, then.
Kathleen: Is it too late to say I see Milton’s point?
Martin: Very bad!
Kathleen: Whoops.
Marietta un-mutes the phone.
Marietta: John! I talked with my mom about it, and we want you to come here for Christmas. She always has the biggest bash, and it’ll be enough to make even the most unhappy person excited for Christmas.
John: I don’t want to bother you guys and intrude on your Christmas. I won’t be any fun.
Marietta: Are you kidding? We go all-out, adding one more person to the celebration will hardly make a difference. Hell, there are so many decoration in this house, we might not even able to see you here.
John: I can swing by for a bit, I suppose. I might surprise myself and find some bit of joy in this holiday season yet.
Marietta: See you Sunday, then!
Three days later…
Patty Lynn: Okay, everyone! I hope you’re all enjoying your Christmas!
Maria: If I hear Parade of the Wooden Soldiers ONE more time…
Martin: I’m sorry, I accidentally put it on repeat.
Maria: Here they come, here they come, here they come… that’s going to repeat in my nightmares.
Eliza: I got up way too early. I need a nap.
Elena: Maybe if you’d wrapped the twins’ Christmas presents…
Eliza: I said I was sorry!
Elena: Sorry can’t replace precious Christmas memories!
Henrietta: Elena, just let her take her nap before she beheads you.
Elena: She would never, she’d be lost without me.
Patty Lynn: I am so glad you’re all having such fun -
Marietta: Read the room, ma.
Patty Lynn: I just want you to all know, Marietta’s friend is coming over a bit later to celebrate with us.
Kathleen: Who wouldn’t want to celebrate this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas with us?
Mitch: We are like the Griswolds from Christmas Vacation on steroids.
Tammy: Even Clark would look at the decorations in this house and think “That’s excessive.”
Kathleen: Guys, it’s not Christmas if there isn’t a half-million in decorations scattered throughout the house. This is a known fact.
Henrietta: I, for one, appreciate it. It’s like being in Disney World.
Patty Lynn: Thank you! I put a lot into this, your words are appreciated.
Kyle: Can I just say, I love that
my kids are getting beautiful holiday memories. They’re always going to cherish these family moments, and so will I.
Sarah: I don’t think they’re making memories yet. The little one is like two weeks old.
Kyle: Five months.
Sarah: Yeah, close enough.
Martin: Look at her, she’s dressed as a Santa baby. It’s adorable!
Maria: And Katharine is dressed as an elf!
Sarah: They will hate you all for this when you show them the pictures.
Milton: I dressed you in cute outfits as a baby.
Sarah: Exactly.
Marietta: Guys, mom is trying to politely tell you all we have to clean up the wrapping paper and get the house in order for John’s visit.
Kathleen: All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t get this house in order again.
Marietta: Can we at least try?
Kathleen: Come on elves, let’s try.
Henrietta: You’re luck Amy’s not here, she’d have torn the room apart already.
Kathleen: This room could use some tearing apart.
Two hours later..
Marietta: John is here!
Milton: Get ready for the mood to be significantly dampened!
Marietta opens the front door.
John: Wow! This house is… wow!
Patty Lynn: Pretty nice, right?
John: Have you guys ever considered going on The Great Christmas Light Fight?
Patty Lynn: I don’t think comparing one’s Christmas display to another’s is really in the spirit of the holiday.
Kathleen: She applied and they turned her down because this is all just far too much, even for them.
John: I didn’t realize it, but this is what I needed to see today. Something silly, ridiculous, and warmhearted. Your love of the holiday shines through.
Kathleen: Yeah, shines through all the way to the International Space Station.
Henrietta: Patty Lynn should move to a beach, they wouldn’t have to pay for a lighthouse anymore because they’d have her Christmas decorations to light the way.
Milton: If only the Titanic had mom’s Christmas lights, those people would be alive today.
Marietta: Excuse their rudeness, John. Come on in!
John: Wow, it is even more intense in here.
Patty Lynn: I have been told so.
Marietta: When I told you that if you can’t find the Christmas spirit in New Orleans, you’re not going to find it anywhere, I meant it!
Two hours later…
Marietta: So, John won the Christmas tree ornament hunt. Because of that honor, he gets the first bowl of gumbo.
John: I feel like the guest of honor!
Kathleen: Easy to feel that way when you’re one of the few people here with any honor whatsoever.
Elena: Easy! My wife is a state senator!
Milton: I’m a US Senator!
Moira: Honey, we all know.
Marietta: I am… I’m Marietta.
Milton: And that’s something to celebrate!
Sarah: Are we sure about that? Have you heard her sing?
Martin: She has a beautiful voice.
Sarah: Mariah Carey would not agree.
Martin: I don’t think Mariah Carey would be quite so rude.
John: Marietta, this has been the greatest Christmas I could’ve hoped for. I miss my kids, of course, but you really helped me make the best of it. All of you did!
Patty Lynn: I don't think we didn’t do anything special for you. We just showed you the warmth of a family, like any good person would do. Don’t give us too much credit.
John: It’s been a rough year. You’ve all helped send it out right. A bit of kindness goes such a long way.
Tammy: One thing I will say about this family. They razz on each other, they bicker, but they never fail to come together and show love to one another at the end of the day. And you all allow that love to be felt by everyone around you, not just those in your family. I wouldnt’ want to spend Christmas any other way.
Mitch: I think our children would -
Tammy: Shut up, Mitch.
Patty Lynn: You guys are going to make me cry.
Marietta: They’re going to make me cry! Me!
Martin: i think we should eat before we’re all crying.
Patty Lynn: Merry Christmas, everyone!
Milton: Were you all saying something? I couldn’t hear it over the Brenda Lee music blaring in the background.
Marietta: Man, Milton sure knows how to ruin a precious moment.
Sarah: He’s like the Grinch, but before the enlarged heart.
Marietta: And Milton said John would be the Debbie Downer!
John: He said what?
Milton: Nothing, nothing! Merry Christmas!
What did you think of this week's episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the Raymond Island holiday special next week! Marietta will return for the rest of season 5 beginning in January!
