Our House Season 5 Episode 10 - Our Christmas Light Tour

Our House Season 5, Episode 10

Our Christmas Light Tour

Betty walks into the house.

Betty: You guys know what time it is?

Teri: Five forty-eight.

Ralph: Time to change out of that horrible reindeer sweater?

Betty: My sweater is beautiful!

Ralph: It is a crime against humanity.

Mitchell: Twenty-nine ninety-nine at Betty’s Boutique!

Cindy: Well, I know what I’m getting Ralph for Christmas!

Ralph: It’s a women’s sweater, nice try.

Karl: Oh, we have it in both genders.

Ralph: Well, thank god for that.

Betty: Tomorrow is light tour time!

Frank: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Betty: Id’ like to ring your bell.

Frank: What does that mean?

Velma: I think it means she wants to bludgeon you.

Frank: Oh, nothing new then.

Betty: Every year we go on Bob Black’s Christmas light tour around Central Virginia. Tomorrow is the date the paper has published his column for the last thirty years.

Cindy: We know what you mean, mom. We’re just sort of… confused.

Betty: Confused?

Teri: Oh lord, she doesn’t know.

Tammi: Who wants to tell her?

Karl: I think I should.

Teri: Someone get the smelling salts first.

Betty: What is it you all seem to know but I don’t? Are you communicating telepathically?

Karl: Bob Black retired this summer.

Betty: How did I not know this?

Ralph: You’re ign-

Karl: We sort of hid the paper from you. We knew you’d be upset.

Betty: Christmas is ruined!

Frank: Christmas is in our hearts. As long as we have love for Jesus in our hearts, it can’t ben ruined.

Teri: Oh, be quiet, Linus van Pelt!

Frank: I was trying to lighten the mood!

Teri: Sometimes, you just have to allow someone to be sad.

Cindy: She’s sad about Christmas lights. I think we should probably do something to help her not be sad about Christmas lights.

Teri: What do you propose, Cindith?

Cindy: Cindith?

Teri: Nickname I’m trying out.

Betty: Don’t worry about me, girls. Traditions die out all the time, I will get over this one dying.

Cindy: Your face doesn’t seem to agree.

Betty: What’s wrong with my face?

Karl: Nothing! You look as beautiful as always!

Danielle: There are tears streaming down your face and that is, I think, what Cindy was referring to.

Betty: I can’t help it, it’s hard to see tradition die. Who is this Grinch that stole our Christmas?

Ralph: Bob Black decided to retire. He’s, like, eighty. I don’t think he has a driver’s license anymore.

Tammi: Lost my driver’s license last week…

Steven: Ouch, that hurt my ears.

Betty: Someone call up Bob and tell him he’s got to do another light tour.

Mitchell: Do you want to get arrested for driving without a license?

Betty: Santa doesn’t have a license.

Mitchell: That’s why he recklessly drove and ran grandma over with a reindeer.

Velma: We can still go looking at lights, we just have to find the good houses on our own.

Betty: Everyone does that, this was special! A full three hours worth of the best of the best in the Greater Richmond Area!

Jerry: I could ask Serena what houses are nice in Richmond.

Teri: Jerry, your girlfriend isn’t the Richmond expert.

Betty: Bob was the Richmond expert. He knew this region like the back of his hand.

Teri: Mom, he’s not dead. He can just go to Florida now whenever he wants.

Jerry: I’m sorry for trying to save Christmas for Betty. Never again.

Frank: I have an idea.

Teri: Did someone say something?

Frank: What if we go to that house on Wooded Hills Avenue that always has the elaborate display that you can see from the highway? Betty’s clearly upset, and seeing that could really cheer her up.

Tammi: I think it’s sweet you care so much.

Teri: He’s probably just tired of hearing her whine. First time I can ever relate to him.

Karl: Did we mess something up when raising you? Who in the world ever taught you to be this sarcastic?

Teri: I watched a lot of Cheers growing up.

Steven: Wow, you’re o-

Teri: Shut it.

Frank: Betty, what do you think of that idea? Want to go see the house on Wooded Hills?

Danielle: That name sounds like a horror movie. House on Wooded Hills, in theaters this October!

Betty: Nothing can ever replace our light tour, and I’m still sad about it, but that house sure is nice, and we do see that one every year, too. Let’s go see it.

Teri: Right now?

Betty: Yes, right now. I need the cheering up now.

Teri: Of course. Why would I ever expect dinner to be prioritized over Christmas lights?

Cindy: In this family? You’re an idiot to have ever thought that.

One hour later…

Betty: Karl, did you drive to the right place? What is going on?

Karl: I am at the right house. You said Wooded Hills, we’re on Wooded Hills.

Cindy: This is clearly the Christmas house.

Jerry: Well, I guess they converted. Happy Chanukah!

Velma: There isn’t one light strand out.

Betty: What is happening this year?

Karl: It’s still early, maybe they’ll put them out later in the month.

Teri: It’s December 10th! When do you think they’re waiting for, Christmas Eve?

Betty: No one else is even on this road, are we the only ones ignorant enough to not have known they weren’t doing lights this year?

Tammi: You said forever, now we drive alone past their street - in the dark!

Betty: This is the worst day of my life!

Teri: Nice going, Frank. Now you’ve depressed her even more 

Frank: You are not putting this on me!

Teri: This was your suggestion, don’t act like it wasn’t.

Frank: How was I supposed to know this?

Karl: Can you both stop? We are standing outside someone’s private residence in the dark. No need to be arguing here.

Jerry: I know it’s late, and we’re all hungry -

Mitchell: Tread carefully.

Jerry: How about we just drive in this general vicinity and try to find some nice light displays? We have to salvage this excursion somehow.

Mitchell: Can’t we do that after dinner?

Jerry: We’re out now!

Betty: We don’t have to go. People are hungry, let them eat. This is clearly just not the year for Christmas lights.

Teri: Mom, you sound like Charlie Brown right now.

Velma: Why do you keep comparing people to Peanuts characters?

Teri: I wouldn’t if you didn’t all act like them.

Cindy: I think why Teri is trying to say is that mom is pouting and clearly upset about the lights, and we need total it upon ourselves to cheer her up, even if she says she doesn’t want to look for any more lights.

Teri: I said nothing of the sort.

Karl: We’ll look at some lights and then go home. We didn’t come out for nothing. That’s my final decision, no one’s changing it.

Cindy: Mom, we’re gonna have fun. We’re gonna bond as a family.

Steven: Is this the only way to bond as a family at Christmas? Locking ourselves in the same van and driving around to look at lights?

Teri: Just be glad your grandmother didn’t make you wear elf costumes and go caroling. She did that to us as kids.

Steven: That sounds awful.

Ralph: It was worse than you could have ever imagined.

Twenty minutes later…

Betty: Karl, can we just go home? Don’t get me wrong, these lights are very nice, but it’s not the same. It’s just not.

Mitchell: Yeah, Karl. Some of us are anxiously awaiting chicken nuggets.

Karl: Are you not having fun?

Mitchell: No, my stomach is -

Velma: He didn’t mean you! Idiot!

Betty: I’m miserable. The Christmas spirit has been sucked out of me. I can’t wait to just go home, take off this awful sweater, get into bed, and sleep.

Ralph: You can’t wait to go home, past our lights that can be seen from space, walk through our winter wonderland inside, up the candy cane stairs, into your room, to put on your Santa pajamas and lay in your Christmas bed sheets. Did I get that right?

Betty: Don’t rub it in. That’s why I’m going to bed, so I don’t see any of it.

Ralph: And you will use your red and green flannel sleep mask too cover your eyes, correct?

Betty: What’s your game here?

Cindy: He’s trying to say -

Teri: Don’t, you’re bad at that.

Ralph: You love Christmas more than anyone I know, I don’t buy that a few light-related mishaps are going to cause you to abandon Christmas.

Betty: You clearly don’t realize what a funk I’m in, then. Just get me home.

Karl: She wants to go home, guys. Home it is.

Danielle: Aww, man. We were having such fun!

Mitchel: Woo hoo!

Velma: You’re an idiot.

Mitchell: I know.

Eight hours later…

Teri: Mother? Mother, I see you down there, don’t ignore me.

Betty: Oh, don’t mind me!

Teri: What are you doing? Christmas cards?

Betty: You kidding? Those were sent out. the day after Black Friday.

Teri: Yes, of course they were.

Betty: I’m searching in my file cabinet for something very important. Last year’s final Bob Black’s A White Light Christmas Tour.

Teri: That’s in your filing cabinet? Why not try… Google?

Betty: I looked everywhere online, it’s nowhere. The paper scrubbed all of Bob’s articles from their site when he retired. Something tells me they are not very happy that he decided to go his own way.

Teri: Having any luck finding it?

Betty: Teresa, I’m looking in a filing cabinet for a newspaper clipping about Christmas lights. Does it feel like things are going well?

Teri: Get to bed, mom. Maybe you’ll have better luck looking when you’re well-rested.

Betty: I went to bed at seven o’clock. I am well-rested!

Teri: No one ever said twelve hours of sleep is bad for a person.

Betty: You get to bed. You’re the one who needs the rest.

Teri: Mom, one question. Why the sudden turnaround on Christmas? You were about to become The Grinch last night when you stormed up to bed.

Betty: I couldn’t sleep. Something was haunting me, maybe it was my mother.

Teri: Memmy would never.

Betty: She could be spiteful if she wanted to be, especially when you were disrespecting Jesus.

Teri: Then I’m sure she haunts you every time you put up that monstgonsity in the from yard.

Betty: Bed! I want to be the only creature stirring!

Teri: Yes, mother…

The next day…

Teri: Okay, they’re gone. I’ve always wanted to say this - family meeting!

Mitchell: On my day off? Really?

Velma: Oh, ‘cause you work so hard.

Mitchell: You don’t know how tough those moms can be this time of year.

Velma: Continue, Teri.

Danielle: Yes, I’m interested to hear this. Teri usually never cares about anything enough to call a family meeting.

Velma: I bet it’s about saving Christmas, she’s so thoughtful.

Cindy: Mom was wearing Christmas socks, things are turning around for her.

Ralph: Nah, she just packed all her normal socks away. Ones with Frosty and Rudolph on them are all she has.

Velma: Aww. That’s sort of sweet.

Teri: Mom has lost it.

Ralph: It took you this long to figure that out?

Tammi: Lost it in what sense?

Teri: Last night, when I got up for a mid-night bathroom stop, was was looking for a newspaper clipping of Bob Black’s light tour. She was so worried about it, she couldn’t sleep. I asked her today if she found anything, nope. She misplaced it, and the tour is not available online.

Frank: What do you want us to do?

Teri: I don’t know, Frank! That’s why I asked you all for help! You drive me crazy!

Tammi: She didn’t mean it.

Teri: I meant it.

Velma: I have an idea.

Danielle: Well, we know this will not involve spending money.

Velma: Do you think I’m cheap?

Danielle: Shirley Bassey certainly didn’t mean you when she sang Hey, Big Spender.

Velma: What if we make our own list and claim it was made by Bob Black.

Teri: How would we do that? We don’t know every house in the area with a lot of lights out.

Cindy: Maybe Jerry can ask Serena…

Teri: Yeah, that’s a separate issue well have to address later.

Velma: We can look on Facebook for help. It’ll be good, we can do this.

Tammi: I have an idea that’s not totally impractical.

Teri: Please, let us hear it. God, let it be good.

Tammi: What if we email Bob Black? He has a public Facebook page, he probably has his email there, too. We can ask him for light display suggestions. Plus, then we’d have a definitive digital copy that can’t be misplaced.

Teri: You take after your mother, not your father. That’s a great idea.

Tammi: Thank you.

Cindy: Yeah, thanks.

Teri: Maybe it doesn’t work, but it’s worth trying. We’re completely desperate otherwise.

Velma: I think my idea is good, too.

Danielle: Any idea that involves extensive Facebook usage is terrible.

Teri: I’ll go type something up. How can Bob deny this request for his elderly superfan who loves Christmas more than all?

Cindy: He’d have to be heartless.

Ralph: Or just smart. I’d keep away from this family at all costs, too.

Six hours later…

Betty: Wow, today was a let down. I can’t wait to sit down, relax, and enjoy the Abbott Elementary holiday episode all over again.

Teri: Mom, don’t take off your elf shoes yet!

Danielle: Wow, I didn’t notice those.

Jerry: I worked with her all day, and I didn’t, either.

Betty: Why would I keep these one? I look ridiculous.

Teri: We’re going on Bob Black’s Christmas tour!

Betty: What? I told you, I didn’t find the list.

Teri: I emailed Bob and told him the situation. He was so touched that you cared so much about his light tour, especially since today is the day he always published it. I asked him for a copy of an old tour or a list of good houses. He said no -

Betty: Aww, you got my hopes up.

Teri: He wants to take us on the tour himself.

Betty: You’re kidding?

Karl: Teri, you’re not serious? You did this for her?

Teri: I’m not such a screw-up.

Ralph: Is she crying?

Velma: She’s acting like she’s meeting the Pope.

Betty: This is amazing. This tradition means so much to me, we always did it with your grandparents, mom loved it so much.

Cindy: Oh boy, I’m gonna cry.

Teri: No crying, Bob is going to be here any moment.

Mitchell: I ate already, just so everybody knows.

Betty: I better go get my Christmas CDs! I almost threw them away!

Ralph: Even the Carpenters? That’s mine!

Betty: It doesn’t matter, I didn’t do it. I’ll be right back, get your Christmas on, everyone!

Karl: Teri, how’d you pull this off?

Teri: He’s an old widower whose kids live in Nevada. He was just thrilled to get out of the house.

Karl: Either way, this is very sweet.

Teri: I guess I’m on the nice list this year?

Cindy: Debatable.

Steven: When can we watch Elf? I was told we were going to watch Elf tonight.

Tammi: After the lights!

Steven: Good, I need Elf.

Betty: Let’s go, everyone! In just threw a second sweater on, I had no time to waste changing.

Teri: Oh, man, Christmas is magic.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the Bake Your Heart Out holiday special next week! Our House will return with more episodes in January!

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