Frances walks down the stairs.
Frances: I feel a magic in the air. Christmas is near!
Greg: What has you in such a good mood? Are you high?
Frances: We’re filming the Christmas show today, it’s my favorite show of the year. That is, as long as Jane didn’t order Easter decorations instead of Christmas ones. In that case, here comes Peter Cottontail.
Lauren: Oh my god, Aunt Frances!
Frances: What? Shocked by my beautiful nightgown?
Lauren: What is that on your face?
Frances: Is there something on my face? Greg, why didn’t you tell me?
Greg: Oh, god, no! I’ve just been struck blind!
Lauren: You’d have to be to not see that! It looks like Mars on her nose!
Frances: So you do take after your mother!
Lauren: I’m not trying to be rude. It seems like something you’d want to know.
Frances: I feel nothing.
Greg: It just looks like a zit.
Lauren: A large, unmissable, engorged zit.
Frances: I gotta go look at this thing.
Lauren: You go have fun.
Frances: Yeah, I’m sure I will.
Frances walks upstairs.
Greg: Oh my god, what is that thing?
Lauren: How did that develop overnight? That isn’t normal!
Greg: She looks like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!
Lauren: She should probably get that checked out. It’s clearly not a zit.
Greg: She’s so excited about filming this Christmas show. I don’t want to ruin that for her.
Lauren: I don’t want her to go into septic shock. Look at that thing pulsate. It looks like she’s got the Xenomorph in her nose.
Greg: That’s mean.
Frances: Ahh!!!!
Lauren: Looks like she’s located a mirror.
Frances: Greg! This is not “just a zit.” I look like I have a growth on my face.
Lauren: I don’t think it just looks like that.
Frances: I’ll schedule a doctor’s appointment. I can’t film looking like this.
Greg: That’s a good idea.
Frances: You want me to die.
Greg: What?
Frances: I look like I am on death’s door. I feel even worse. You said I looked fine.
Greg: You said you felt fine about five minutes ago.
Frances: We all said things we didn’t mean five minutes ago.
Greg: On the plus side, at least it’s Christmas.
Frances: I’m going to die before Christmas!
Lauren: You’re usually not so paranoid about your health, what’s different this time?
Frances: I’m already stressed about Christmas, it has to be perfect, it has to be right. I’m stressed about it messing with my show. I’m stressed about -
Lauren: It’s understandable to be stress. I’m sorry I added to your stress. Do you want me to help out with the holidays? Mom and I can do the holiday baking if you need us to.
Frances: That’s like the one holiday thing I insist on doing myself. I can’t help but feel as if that was on purpose.
Lauren: You did everything else.
Frances: You know what? Go ahead and bake. I’ll be gone by Christmas anyway, I won’t have to eat it.
Lauren: All right, that was a bit hostile. Especially towards someone who once hosted an episode of your show and held my own just fine!
Frances: I’m sorry, I really need to go in and get this cured before it drives me nuts.
Greg: You’re a very famous celebrity, they’ll get you right in.
Frances: Now that’s a Christmas miracle.
Four hours later…
Beverly: Frances! How’d your appointment go?
Marcia: Yeah. You look good! Healthy, happy, all that jazz.
Frances: I have a staph infection in my nose. I feel fine other than the red splotch feeling hot. I got an antibiotic and full clearance to work. I’m quite self-conscious about how it looks, but at least I now know I’m going to live. So what are we whipping up for the big Christmas show?
Beverly: Well, we were going to do a Rudolph cake, but that feels in bad taste now.
Marcia: We could make a fruitcake.
Frances: We’re supposed to be making things people actually feel a desire to eat.
Marcia: My mom made a heck of a fruitcake!
Beverly: Honey… no she did not.
Marcia: Tell her, Frances.
Frances: Oh, there’s no place like the kitchen for the holidays.
Beverly: I have the perfect idea!
Marcia: That would be a first.
Beverly: Stop being bitter because I mocked fruitcake. It’s not even food!
Frances: What was the idea, Bev? It better be festive!
Marcia: Fruitcake…
Frances: A fruitcake is more of a holiday decoration than a food. I’ll leave the decorating to HGTV.
Beverly: How about a yule log?
Frances: Didn’t we do one of those last year?
Marcia: You know who we didn’t do last year?
Frances: If you say fruitcake, I want you to pack your things and leave immediately.
Marcia: Then I have nothing else left to say.
Beverly: At last.
Frances: Oh, look! I’m two hours late, and Jane still gets here after me.
Jane: Whoa! What the heck happened to Frances’s nose? You look like I did after I -
Beverly: The art of tact is lost on you, isn’t it?
Jane: No, I do my taxes.
Marcia: She’s the type to watch Frosty the Snowman and think that it actually was one of the kids’ birthdays just because Frost kept saying it.
Jane: It wasn’t?
Marcia: I need something to scream into.
Beverly: May I suggest a fruitcake?
Frances: I think it’s time to get this show on the road. I’ll find a good recipe for yule log and we’ll begin.
Marcia: Don’t you have to do your hair and makeup?
Frances: Oh, crap! Yeah, I suppose. Not sure what they’re going to do about all of this, though.
Beverly: They manage to make Marcia look professional every day, they’ll work their magic again.
Marcia: I AM a professional!
Beverly: Sure, we’ll go with that.
Thirty minutes later…
Frances: Bev! Tell these makeup people to do their job!
Beverly: What’s wrong?
Frances: They’re saying they won’t cover up the infected part, that it’s “dangerous.”
Beverly: A makeup artist won’t put makeup on a life-threatening infection and risk making it even worse? That’s shocking!’
Frances: I don’t appreciate the snark here.
Beverly: I say this with no snark and only sympathy: what do you want me to do here?
Frances: Get them to do something about this. I can’t go on without makeup, and I especially can’t go on with this spot on my face!
Jane: What spot? I don’t see anything.
Frances: Nice save attempt.
Beverly: Do you want me to talk to Charlie and see if he can figure out what to do here?
Frances: No! You don’t need to bring him into this.
Beverly: All right, I see. And if I were to tell you I already asked for his help…?
Frances: I wouldn’t be happy.
Marcia: More or less unhappy than when I asked you to bake fruitcake?
Beverly: Frances, this is the biggest show of the year, the highest-rated, and the most complicated. You need to get better before we film anything.
Frances: I feel fine!
Beverly: You don’t look it. Plus, when you have a serious infection like that, you really need to get rest. The hot stage lights while you bake can’t be good. Wearing makeup to cover it surely isn’t good.
Frances: So what can Charlie help with? Clearly you don’t want me here, yo gonna have him drag me out?
Beverly: No, we’re going to talk to him about rescheduling the shooting, because that will impact the show’s airing schedule.
Frances: Christmas is still three weeks away. I don’t see how this effects when the Christmas show airs.
Beverly: It won’t, but this will delay the filming for the episodes that air in the new year and that’s what I have to talk to Charlie about. Maybe we can have the show come back a week later than usual.
Marcia: Or, here’s an idea: Frances has been out sick before and Lauren stepped in. What if I step in to film while Frances is recovering?
Frances: I know a hostile takeover when I see one.
Charlie: Well, what do we have here?
Beverly: You got here quick!
Charlie: When there’s a crisis involving one of my top shows, I jump at the chance to be a problem solver.
Frances: So what problem is there to solve here?
Charlie: Sweet lord! What is happening on your nose?
Frances: Something’s happening on my nose?
Beverly: I can assure you, she’s kidding. The schnoz has been the hot topic of the day. It’s why I called you here, in fact.
Charlie: I think a doctor is what you really need, not me.
Jane: But I’m not sick.
Charlie: Not in the traditional sense. You are in some other ways.
Beverly: She’s already been to the doctor.
Frances: Staph infection. I’ll live.
Beverly: I want to ask you for permission to cancel filming for today and push it back a few days until she’s healed up a bit. It will delay filming for the shows set to air early next year, but I think it really is for the best.
Charlie: She has a staph infection! Of course you can cancel filming! You know how easily that spreads? Especially when the one suffering from it is the one preparing all the food!
Beverly: Thank you, Charlie, for being so understanding. I just want her to get better.
Frances: I feel fine!
Charlie: We can just return the show a week alter than expected to give Frances some time to heal. Repeats do well, it’s not going to impact things all that much.
Beverly: I had that same idea!
Charlie: You know what they say about great minds thinking alike?
Beverly: Yeah?
Charlie: Turns out, it works with okay minds, too.
Marcia: Can I just offer up my services to take over? Instead of throwing the whole schedule beh-
Charlie: No, that won’t be necessary. Our viewers see you as a sidekick, Marcy.
Marcia: Marcia.
Charlie: Jan.
Marcia: My name’s Marcia!
Charlie: I know, I was giving you a nickname. You’ll be shocked to learn this, but Charlie’s not my birth name. Consider it my Christmas gift to you.
Frances: I guess I’d better get going if we’re not filming today. I can still get my Christmas baking done.
Marcia: Remind me not to eat your Christmas cookies this year.
Frances: Greg will appreciate that. More for him.
Frances walks out to the parking lot.
DeAnna (singing): Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer…
Frances gives DeAnna the middle finger.
DeAnna: That is not very holly or jolly of you! It’s Christmas, you witch!
Frances: Remember that scene from Santa Clause where Tim Allen accidentally spooks Santa and Santa falls off the roof and dies? I hope that happens to you this holiday. Merry Christmas!
One hour later…
Greg: Someone’s home early!
Louise: We’re making Christmas cookies!
Frances: I can tell just by looking at that dough that there’s too much butter in it.
Lauren: We’re trying, that’s what counts, right?
Greg:
Frances: I can’t believe they made me come home over this infection! I’m fine!
Lauren: Didn’t you think you were dying earlier today?
Frances: No!
Greg: That feels like revisionist history.
Louise: Hi, Frances! Lovely to see you as always.
Frances: Don’t you have a job to be at? Or a house?
Louise: My daughter called me and asked to partake in a treasure holiday tradition, I jumped at the chance. One day off work won’t harm anything.
Frances: I would have to disagree with that. People are counting on me and I’m here at home because of a stupid infection on my nose. It’s awful!
Louise: You’re getting time off work, and you’re upset about it?
Frances: I have shows I need to film before Christmas, and instead I’m at home and the shows can’t be filmed. It’s very stressful.
Greg: It’s nothing to stress about.
Frances: Charlie and Beverly already delayed my January return by a week because of this. It’s nonsensical.
Louise: What is wrong with you, by the way? All I know is that your nose apparently looked like a tomato earlier.
Frances: It’s a staph infection. Merry Christmas!
Louise: You look like one of San-
Frances: Stop right there. I’ve heard it far too many times for that joke to be funny.
Lauren: Do you want to join us while we bake? It might get your mind off the show for a while.
Louise: As long as she wears gloves. I mean, look at that nose!
Frances: I appreciate the offer, and I will take you up on it. We’re going to get the butter quantity right next time, too.
Louise: Maybe later we can watch some Christmas movies or something. Jimmy’s coming over for dinner, we’ll make a whole night of it.
Frances: I’m not exactly in the spirit right now.
Louise: What’s it going to take for you to get in the spirit? Some snow? You need a White Christmas?
Frances: No, I just need this thing on my face to be gone.
Louise: Just put a bandage on it. Voila, it’s gone!
Frances: I think that just covers it.
Louise: I’m not a miracle worker!
Lauren: Maybe you can ask Santa to make it go away.
Frances: If you all stop harassing me, I’ll watch a Christmas movie with you tonight. Sound good?
Louise: Can you help us with the Christmas cookies first?
Frances: Oh, right. I forgot I agreed to do that.
Greg: Lauren, remember when she was in the Christmas spirit, about five hours ago?
Lauren: I quite miss that.
Later that night…
Jimmy: That Will Ferrell, what a hoot!
Frances: You know, I do have to admit that that was a very good movie. What’s it called?
Louise: Uh… Elf. It’s a pretty well-known movie.
Frances: I tend to stick with the classics, you know? It’s a Wonderful Life, Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation. Elf always seemed a little dark.
Louise: Are we thinking of the same Elf?
Frances: I enjoyed it, stop grilling me about it! Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s restored my Christmas spirit.
Jimmy: Well, you foo look like -
Louise. Don’t. It triggers her.
Frances: I can’t believe the bullying I take in my own home, and at Christmas no less!
Louise: Just have a cookie and fuhgeddaboudit.
Frances: Man,I almost forgot you were form Jersey and then you turned into Tony Soprano again.
Greg: I think it’s beautiful how the holidays bring us together.
Frances: Brings who together? Me and homicide?
Jimmy: This is nice. We should do this every night that you’re off.
Frances: You know what… I agree. We don’t ever get the chance to do this.
Louise: This is like when the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes.
Five days later, on the set of Frances in the Ktichen…
Jane: Looking good, Frances!
Frances: Don’t trust your opinion. Marcia, how do I look?
Jane: That hurt.
Marcia: The swelling’s gone down. It just looks like a zit now. I still don’t know if they’ll be able to cover that up for the show, though. Bev should’ve just let me cover for you like I suggested/
Frances: Look at this trick.
Frances rummages through her purse, pulls out a bandage, and puts it on her nose.
Frances: Ta-da!
Marcia: What was that?
Frances: The makeup people an cover this and make it look normal. Christmas is saved!
Beverly: Frances! You look great! What’s the bandage for, though?
Frances: So no one sees the remnants of the infection. No Rudolph guiding this particular sleigh tonight.
Beverly: Anything to get the show back in running order is fine by me.
Frances: Are there more decorations on this set than there were last week?
Beverly: We had the time, I figured, why not make it as pretty as we could?
Marcia: I told her it looks like Chevy Chase decorated it. She didn’t care.
Frances: I think it’s nice, very Christmas. I‘ve really regained the Christmas spirit this week, so I appreciate this a lot more than I would’ve last week. Now, if you excuse me, it’s time to finally get some makeup on and get this show on the road.
Beverly: Is the Rudolph cake safe or are we still going with Plan B?
Frances: I don’t ever want to hear that name again so long as I live.
Beverly: Okay, yule log it is.
Frances: Yule be quite happy with that, I think.
What did you think of the Frances in the Kitchen Christmas special? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the midseason premiere of Marietta on January 2! Frances in the Kitchen will return for season 4 in mid-2023!
