Sam and Diane are talking on the phone.
Diane: Okay, so who all do I have to invite to the big Christmas eve party?
Sam: Well, there’s Leslie, Frances, Charlotte -
Diane: Olivia Rodrigo.
Sam: What? You want to invite Olivia Rodrigo to our Bake Your Heart Out Christmas Eve party?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Don’t you think she has better things to do on the eve of a major holiday?
Diane: I just want her to know the option’s available for her.
Sam: I think sending her an invitation would just get you on some sort of list.
Diane: Her holiday gift list?
Sam: I was thinking more like a list of people to get a restringing order against.
Diane: How about Christine Baranski? She’s in every Christmas movie, think she’d want to come to a Christmas party?
Sam: Are you just naming people you want to meet? Stop doing that.
Diane: Okay, we have to invite Garry. And Paul.
Sam: I’ll try to find Christine Baranski’s mailing address.
Diane: Aww, come on, we love Garry.
Sam: Yeah, love him like the flu.
Diane: It’s Christmas! Can you cut him a break at Christmas?
Sam: The man’s annoying.
Diane: You’re no day at the beach yourself.
Sam: What a rude way to talk to your best friend.
Diane: I’m a truth-teller.
Sam: What about Melanie? I know it’s a long flight, but I feel like we should at least give her an invite.
Diane: I’ll do that.
Sam: I have another question.
Diane: You’re allowed.
Sam: What are we doing about food for the party?
Diane: That’s a good question! We’re hosting, so I feel it’s rude to ask the guests. However…
Sam: They’re all much better cooks than us?
Diane: Yeah. Quite a hangup, no?
Sam: I’ll ask Frances to cater. She’s probably not busy.
Diane: Isn’t she -
Sam: It’s decided, stop trying to change my mind.
Diane: That was a quick decision.
Sam: So you’re not really inviting Garry, right?
Diane: Of course I am.
Sam: It’s at my house!
Diane: He’s part of the family.
Sam: Speaking of family, your kids coming?
Diane: You know they aren’t. Too busy to come home.
Sam: It was worth asking. I’m sorry.
Diane: It’s not your fault.
Sam: One of these days you’ll get a holiday with them.
Diane: I’m getting a holiday with my other family, I’m quite content with that.
Sam: Even Garry?
Diane: Even Garry!
On Christmas Eve…
Sam: Oh, look, my co-host is here!
Diane (singing): It’s coming on Christmas, they’re cutting down trees
Sam: And she’s singing! Yay!
Diane: Merry Christmas, girls!
Nicolle: Merry Christmas, Diane!
Sam: It’s a day early, you two have no patience.
Diane: The season is here already, it’s just the day that’s not. It’s the right time.
Nicolle: Diane, you got here at the perfect time. I just baked cookies.
Sam: I told her not to, I told her we have the best baker in the world coming over. She did not listen.
Nicolle: It doesn’t all have to rest on Frances’s shoulders, I’m very content with helping.
Diane: That’s very noble of you. That’s the Christmas spirit talking.
Nicolle: Also, I want to prove to Frances that I’m not nearly as bad of a hater as Sam claims I am!
Sam: The nefarious truth comes out!
Diane: Jesus wouldn’t mind a woman trying to clear her name.
Nicolle: That’s how I feel as well. It’s what he’d want.
Diane: So, when are they getting here?
Sam: I don’t know, Diane. I don’t have a tracker on their cars. Do you?
Diane: No…
Nicolle: I think it’s sweet you two invited Paul. I know you have your differences with him.
Diane: That’s an understatement. He’s been better lately, though! He doesn’t deserve to be lonely on Christmas.
Sam: He has a family. He only agreed to come because, when he turned it down, you had to say “You’ll be so missed, Paul.” No, he would not have been!
Diane: It’s the polite thing to say. Melanie didn’t change her mind when I said it to her.
Sam: Melanie lives in Rhode Island. On the other side of America!
Paul: A little holiday kindness isn’t a bad thing.
There is a knock at the door.
Sam: Better not be him. I’m not nearly drunk enough.
Paul: Ho-ho-ho!
Sam: I am not answering that.
Nicolle: I’ll get it.
Diane: You are truly a yuletide angel.
Nicolle: Aww, thank you.
Paul: Merry Christmas, everyone! Now, I can’t stay -
Sam: God is real!
Paul: I wanted to see you all, though. Your invitation was so thoughtful. This is a time of year to come together and I’m glad we get to do that.
Sam: We’re all so happy you’re here. Wouldn’t be Christmas without you.
Paul: I heard you say you weren't answering the door for me.
Sam: My hands were full.
Paul: Oh.
Diane: She’s lying.
Sam: Accusations like that do not first the holiday spirit!
There is another knock at the door.
Nicolle: Wow, this party’s really hopping now!
Sam: We almost have enough people to do our own version of We Are the World.
Charlotte: That traffic! It’s Christmas Eve, what are you people doing on the road?
Diane: They could say the same of you, no?
Charlotte: Quiet, you. I could be home in England, but I chose this instead. Don’t make me regret it!
Sam: Didn’t you say your parents were going “on holiday” to Spain?
Charlotte: I said quiet!
Sam: You said that to Diane.
Charlotte: Don’t make me hit you on Christmas!
Diane: It’s not Christmas yet, you can hit her.
Sam: It’s close enough!
Nicolle: That’s not what you said to us earlier.
Sam: Where is Frances at? I’m hungry!
Diane: I don’t know, I didn’t install a tracker on her car.
Sam: Can you people stop ganging up on me? It’s Christmas!
Diane: Since you asked so nicely, I suppose.
Charlotte: You should have at least made her promise not to mock Garry in return for going easy on her.
Diane: Damn, I should have!
Sam: Speaking of Garry and Frances, I wonder if we’ll get a romantic holiday karaoke duet tonight. Perhaps Baby It’s Cold Outside?
Diane: Don’t get your hopes up, Carly will be here.
Sam: Ah, wives ruing everything.
Nicolle: I’ll keep that in mind.
Paul: Do you need my help in the kitchen?
Diane: Nope you’re the guest here. Enjoy the music and relax until the festivities kick off.
Sam: Why would you tell him that? Put him to work if he wants to work!
Paul: I really will work if you need the help.
Nicolle: She’s just giving you a hard time, we can’t do much of anything anyway until the food gets here. Everything besides that is already done.
Sam: Then Frances better get her ass here right away!
One hour later…
Frances: Dinner is served!
Leslie: In the words of Lizzo -
Frances: Don’t.
Leslie: I was just going to say that you’re 100% that bitch.
Frances: Sure you were.
Diane: This is a very Christmassy meal, Frances.’
Frances: I don’t know what that means, but thank you, I guess.
Diane: You can taste the warmth of the holiday season in this turkey and in these cheesy potatoes.
Charlotte: I think she’s finally lost it.
Leslie: All that time spent with Sam, it’s a miracle this didn’t happen any sooner.
Diane: This time of year just does something to me, I suppose. It fills me with such gratitude, such joy, and this food tastes like that joy.
Garry: I get what she means. I can taste it, too.
Sam: Is anyone surprised Garry is saying this? Anyone at all?
Garry: What is that supposed to mean?
Sam: It means you’re an idiot.
Garry: Don’t you know you’re supposed to be nice to people on Christmas?
Sam: I keep hearing this from you people but I’ve never heard it before.
Leslie: Paul, why are you crying?
Sam: I bet it’s because he’s leaving and he’s so sad to be going this soon.
Paul: No, it’s just that this food is the best I’ve had in years.
Frances: Food cooked from the heart -
Charlotte: By a world-class chef
Frances: is better than any food from one of those fancy restaurants.
Paul: This is going to be the best part of my Christmas.
Leslie: Better than your family celebration tomorrow?
Paul: God, yes. I hate my family.
Charlotte: The Brussels sprouts are lovely!
Leslie: Why do you hate your family?
Charlotte: I was trying to avoid that!
Diane: It’s just not an appropriate thing to be saying at Christmas!
Paul: I don’t hate them really, and I, of course, love my wife and kids.
Sam: Not enough to spend Christmas Eve with them…
Paul: My extended family drives me up a wall, though. I feel guilty saying it, but it’s the truth.
Leslie: The truth will set you free.
Diane: That’s enough negativity on Christmas, let’s focus on positive things. What’s everyone hoping to get for Christmas?
Garry: Some new socks!
Sam: Are you kidding me? Garry, come on!
Garry: Did I say something wrong?
Sam: That is the quintessential bad Christmas gift!
Charlotte: Garry, I just noticed your Christmas sweater. It’s lovely!
Garry: Thank you! It’s brand new!
Frances: How didn’t you notice it? You would even say it glows!
Charlotte: I guess I wasn’t paying attention. I’m not a fashionista like I used to be.
Sam: Nothing about that is fashion, though I am glad he’s wearing it now and not in September, like usual.
Garry: It’s not my fault that that’s when we film the Christmas special
Sam: You don’t have to wear it for the Christmas special.
Paul: The viewers love his sweaters.
Sam: No, they d-
Nicolle: That’s enough.
Sam: Excuse me?
Nicolle: You’re being mean. It’s Christmas, just be nice.
Sam: Don’t tell me what to do.
Charlotte: Again, the Brussels sprouts are to die for!
Leslie: I wish I could die, that’d get me out of this dinner.
Diane: Is everyone done eating? I’ll clean up the table so we can set up the game.
Leslie: We started eating five minutes ago.
Diane: I guess I’m just a fast eater.
Frances: Your plate is full, too.
Diane: I’m sorry I wanted to break up the awkwardness!
Garry: There’s no awkwardness, I know what to expect from Sam. I don’t expect her to change just because it’s Christmas. I know real life is not like the movies.
Diane: That’s a good attitude to have, Garry!
One hour later…
Diane: Okay, dinner is done and cleaned up. Time for my favorite Christmas Eve tradition… finding the pickle in the Christmas tree!
Frances: Is this the one where we drink?
Diane: No!
Frances: When is that one?
Diane: We don’t have a Christmas drinking game!
Frances: You should, look who we have to deal with.
Diane: This game is simple, I hid a pickle in Sam and Nicolle’s Christmas tree. One by one, you will all come in here and try to find it within two minutes. Fastest to find it wins!
Sam: You put an actual wet, slimy pickle inside my plastic, annually-used Christmas tree?
Diane: It’s an ornament shaped like a pickle.
Carly: That’s not how the tradition goes!
Diane: It is in my world. Does everyone understand the rules?
Paul: We’re looking inside the tree? Inside how?
Diane: It’s handing on a branch somewhere.
Paul: This is ridiculous.
Diane: Do you all want to do a different game?
Paul: Yes!
Sam: Okay, you don’t get a vote. But yes, I want a different game. I don’t trust these nimrods to not knock my beautiful tree over. I don’t let the cat in here because I’m afraid he’ll knock it down, I’m surely not letting Frances anywhere near it. She’s drunk!
Frances: I am not!
Charlotte: What day is it?
Frances: July.
Charlotte: Looks like someone’s staying here tonight!
Sam: Oh, come on! You’re British, you gotta be used to seeing drunk people!
Charlotte: Excuse me? I believe Homer Simpson is an American!
Diane: Okay, no pickle hunt, so we’re going to do something else equally fun - Christmas Pictionary!
Frances: When do we go look at Christmas lights?
Diane: After the games, but before dessert and the movie.
Charlotte: You have an extensive list of festivities planned.
Diane: What can I say, I love Christmas! No, pick your teams, everyone!
Sam: I pick Garry!
Diane: okay… Sam and Garry.
Nicolle: You pick who?
Garry: I’m frightened. Am I going to die?
Sam: One day. Not today. I’m trying to prove I can be nicer on Christmas. I’m like Scrooge.
Leslie: Pre-haunting?
Sam: I haven’t called Garry an idiot in minutes!
Leslie: We’ll call the President, get you the Medal of Freedom.
Diane: Nicolle, we can team up if you want.
Paula: Charlotte?
Charlotte: I guess. Sure.
Leslie: I get the drunk?
Carly: Who do I get? There’s an odd number of people!
Nicolle: You can join our team, we were also abandoned by our partners.
Ten minutes later…
Diane: What is that?
Paul: It’s an egg. Humpty Dumpty!
Charlotte: What is Christmas about Humpty Dumpty?
Paul: I don’t know, I didn’t make the game!
Leslie: Frances, guess anything!
Sam: I know it. It’s Baby It’s Cold Outside!
Frances (singing, slurring words): I really can’t stay…
Garry: Correct!
Sam: I clearly picked the right partner.
Garry: Am I hearing things?
Paul: You know, that’s not much of a Christmas song. It’s more winter-themed.
Charlotte: Humpty Dumpty?
Paul: It looked like an egg!
Nicolle: Frances, don’t pull the stocking off the fireplace.
Frances: My feet are cold!
Leslie: Can I have Carly on my team? I need someone lucid.
France: I love Lucy.
Diane: Yeah, take Carly.
Diane’s phone rings
Diane: It’s my son, gotta take it!
Charlotte: Your ringtone is Silent Night?
Diane: It’s a beautiful song.
Charlotte: It feels a bit reserved for you. I was expecting something showier. Maybe Christmas (Baby Please Come Home).
Diane: I’ll try not to disappoint you with my Christmas 2023 ringtone.
Diane answers her phone.
Diane: Merry Christmas, honey! How is your Christmas Eve going?
Ben: Fine, mom. I have a question.
Diane: Don’t forget your manners, say merry Christmas!
Ben: Merry Christmas, mom. Now, the question. Veronica’s parents are sick with the flu and we can’t go over for Christmas. Would you mind if we swung by your place? It’s been a while.
Diane: Oh my god. Of course!
Ben: Great, we’ll see you tomorrow around noon!
Diane: Oh my god, it’s happening. Christmas miracle!
Diane hangs up.
Leslie: What’s going on?
Diane: My daughter-in-law’s parents have the flu.
Garry: That’s a miracle?
Diane: My son is coming to my house for Christmas!
Sam: Really? I’m so happy for you!
Diane: This is all I wanted for Christmas!
Leslie: Maybe they’ll let you play the pickle game.
Diane: I have to leave right after we watch Christmas Vacation, okay? I have to get the house ready!
Sam: That’s what… five Horus from now?
Diane: Yup. It’s not interrupting my perfect Christmas Eve!
Garry: Back to the game, then? Sam and I were really bonding.
Diane: So many Christmas miracles!
What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special? Let us know in the comments! Bake Your Heart Out will be back next year for season five!
