Betty, Karl, Jerry and Steven are working at Betty’s Boutique.
Jerry: I think I have to go, Betty. I’m getting a call.
Betty: What? A call from who?
Steven: I think it’s actually “whom.”
Betty: When did you become an English major?
Steven: I’m actually working on my essay for English class while we don’t have any customers.
Jerry: I’m a constable, you know. I’m getting called to respond to an incident.
Betty: I forgot all about that.
Karl: How could you forget? He didn’t shut up about it for weeks. And then we never saw him actually do the job at all.
Betty: Well, that’d be why. He’s a constable in the same way that I’m a farmer because I used to play FarmVille on Facebook. Technically you could claim it, but people will laugh at you.
Jerry: I was elected, I went through training, I have a badge. It’s just that no one in this town ever commits a crime, so the police handle most of my duties. It’s despicable, really.
Karl I can’t wait to see how he blames this one on illegal immigrants.
Jerry: There’s no such thing if you ask Billie Eilish!
Karl: I happen to agree with that sentiment, just because it makes you angry.
Jerry: All right, I have to go. I’m sure you can all manage without me for a half-hour or so.
Steven: I don’t know… it’s pretty busy.
Betty: Maybe I can get Rick to come down and cover your shift.
Karl: Please no.
Steven: I think we’re going to be okay. It’s past lunch and we’ve had eight customers today.
Betty: Lots of people are at church!
Karl: Honey, it’s Saturday.
Betty: People go to church on Saturday! And also garage sales!
Karl: In February?
Betty: People love a good garage sale!
Later that day…
Jerry: You guys will never believe what happened today!
Teri: You saw the light and you’ve become an avowed communist.
Jerry: Not even funny.
Ralph: I found it funny.
Jerry: Does no one care?
Betty: I’m sorry, I’m trying to salvage this garlic bread.
Ralph: You’ve burnt it, just throw it away.
Betty: It’s edible! I just have to scrape the char off!
Ralph: It’s hard as a rock! We’ll break our teeth on it.
Betty: Fine, we’ll eat plain bread with our spaghetti. It’s boring, it’s unexciting, but it must be done. I apologize.
Frank: I like the charred garlic bread.
Betty: Don’t taunt me, Frank!
Frank: I wasn-
Betty: What did I say?
Tammi: He actually does like his bread that way, grandma. His toast is practically black. You should see the waiters’ faces when he asks for it when we go out for breakfast.
Teri: Every day, I grow more and more convinced he isn’t human.
Jerry: Anyway, I was called to deliver a subpoena today in my second-ever official act as constable.
Teri: You’re still doing that?
Danielle: I thought that was a joke.
Karl: I wish it were.
Ralph: I still feel like any city that would elect you as constable is one I should probably move out of.
Jerry: The police department was so impressed with my performance today, and also is so swamped after they’ve taken on the territory covered by Nebittville’s now-defunct police force, that they’ve asked me to keep doing tasks like what I did today. They said they just don’t have a force big enough to perform these tasks, so they’re asked me to take them on. Which is my job, anyway, so I’m happy to do so.
Danielle: You’re really going through with this? That’s fun for you. You’re gonna have a fun time with that.
Jerry: It’s not exactly meant to be fun. I’m happy to provide a service to my town.
Danielle: I’m honestly not sure how we’re supposed to respond to it. Again, I thought the whole thing about you running for constable was a joke. This is all surprising to be hearing.
Teri: He’s usually just mentioned it when he wants to get a better table at a restaurant.
Jerry: That’s not true. You’re accusing me of corruption.
Teri: If the shoe fits…
Two days later, Jerry goes to a home to deliver an eviction notice.
Jerry: Mr. Elwood, I know you’re in there.
Matt Elwood: Nobody’s home!
Jerry: You just spoke to me!
Matt: Get away! For your own safety!
Jerry: Mr. Elwood, what are you implying?
Matt: You aren’t ripping me out of this home! I will fight back!
Jerry: I’m just going to post a notice of eviction on the door and go about my day if you don’t answer. Nothing’s going to stop me from performing my duty.
Matt: How’s fifty bucks sound? Rip it up and I’ll slide you the money under the door.
Jerry: I took an oath. And, might I add, that money could’ve been better spent paying your rent than bringing the constable.
Matt: Listen man, I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to shoot! No one is taking this house away from me!
Jerry: I have a gun, too! Don’t make me use it.
Matt: I’ll bet I have more experience with a gun than you. You’ll be dead instantly.
Jerry: Okay, now I’m arresting you for threatening a public official. Open the damn door.
Matt: I’m not opening it, man! This is my house! You’re trying to steal my house from me.
Jerry: You were given multiple chances to respond to notices about payment delinquencies. You could have made a payment plan with your landlord, you did not, and they took the necessary legal measurements. Now, you’re threatening me for enacting the law. You can’t do that. Open the door, or I will open it for y-
Jerry hears a gunshot and pulls out his gun to fire back, but he is shot in the process, falling to the ground.
Matt: I told you to just leave me be! I didn’t want to do that!
A bit later, Cindy is in her office at school when she gets a phone call.
Officer: Is this Mrs. Delacroix, wife of the constable?
Cindy: It is, but he doesn’t do much in that position. What’s going on?
Officer: Ma’am, I am very sorry to tell you this, but your husband has been shot in the line of duty.
Cindy: What?
Officer: He’s been taken to the hospital.
Cindy: Is he okay?
Officer: I’m no medical expert, so I can’t be of much help.
Cindy: Put someone on who can be, then!
Officer: The ambulance has already left. He’s in good care. I did see him, he was responsive, he was able to call 9-1-1 to begin with, but I do recommend visiting him at the hospital as soon as possible.
Cindy: How did this happen? I can’t even remember him doing a single thing as a constable since he was elected!
Officer: He was delivering an eviction notice -
Cindy: My husband might die over an eviction notice? Who is this bastard that shot him?
Officer: I can’t release any details at this time. We have a suspect, he has not been apprehended.
Cindy: Oh my god. I’m gonna let you go. I need to… collect myself, and then, uh, get to the hospital.
Office: Completely understandable.
Cindy hangs up and presses the intercom button.
Cindy: Could Steven Howerton and Alysa DeFleur please come to the principal’s office? Steven Howerton and Alysa DeFleur to the principal’s office please.
Ten minutes later…
Cindy: Where were you two?
Alysa: In class. In the basement. It’s a far walk.
Steven: And Alysa started -
Alysa: No, that’s embarrassing, don’t talk about that.
Steven: It explains the long wait.
Alysa: Okay, so -
Cindy: No, I don’t need to know. You’re here now, that’s what’s important. Steven, you grandfather was injured at work.
Steven: At grandma Betty’s store?
Cindy: No, he was doing some constable thing. I don’t know, I don’t really understand it. But he was shot.
Steven: Shot? How did he get shot?
Cindy: He deals with dangerous criminals.
Steven: doesn’t he just deliver eviction notices and subpoenas?
Alysa: Criminals are the ones getting subpoenaed sometimes, I guess.
Cindy: I’ll tell you, if he gets through this, he’s quitting this job. And we’re retiring to Myrtle Beach.
Steven: You can’t leave! You’re our principal. You’re Caitlin’s great-grandmother! You have to stay!
Cindy: You can come with. I just need to get away. This has put into perspective just how short life is. Now, get in the car. We’re going to the hospital to see your grandfather.
Alysa: Are we allowed to leave?
Cindy: I’m the principal, who will stop me?
Steven: This feels like a legal issue waiting to happen.
Cindy: Do you not want to go check in on your grandfather?
Steven: That’s not what I’m saying. I just don’t want you to lose your job or anything. But let’s go.
Cindy: All right, off we go.
Alysa: Can I go to my locker at least? I have my jacket in there, and all my books.
Cindy: How much longer do you two want me to waste before I get to see my injured husband?
Steven: Grandma, you’re acting frantic.
Cindy: My husband’s just been shot!
Alysa: You know what? This is a warm shirt. And who needs books? Let’s just go now.
Cindy: Are you sure you’re not gonna whine about it?
Alysa: I don’t think I whine. Do I whine?
Cindy: A lot!
Steven: You don’t whine.
Cindy: You’re just saying that because you sleep next to her every night in bed. Well guess what? I might not have anyone to sleep beside at night anymore!
Steven: I think she’s at the anger stage of grief.
Cindy: Why would someone do this to my husband?
Alysa: I think maybe I should drive to, uh, avoid a road rage incident.
Steven: Yeah, that’d be best.
At the hospital…
Cindy: My husband was just brought in with a bullet wound. Jerry Delacroix. Where is he?
Receptionist: Um… let me check.
Cindy: I need to know now!
Steven: I apologize for her, she’s really stressed right now.
Cindy: Don’t apologize on my behalf. My husband could be dead!
Alysa: I think I’m going to go call the others and let them know the situation. They’d want to know.
Cindy: Do whatever you need, I just need this woman to tell me where Jerry is!
Meanwhile, at the house…
Teri: Guys, everyone in the living room. I have something to tell everyone.
Betty: Are you pregnant?
Teri: No! Stop asking that!
Karl: Betty, you can’t just ask people that.
Teri: Really, I need you all here now. This is an emergency.
Karl: What’s wrong?
Teri: Tammi! I really need Tammi in here.
Tammi: What, what’s wrong?
Teri: Everyone that’s home is in here, correct?
Betty: You’re scaring me.
Teri: Tammi, I’m sorry to tell you this. I just got a call from Alysa -
Tammi: What happened to Steven?
Teri: Nothing. She called from the hospital to tell all of us that Jerry, your dad, was shot while performing his job as constable.
Tammi: Oh my god! Is he okay? How is he? How’d it happen?
Teri: I know as much as you do. They’re at the hospital now trying to get answers. Someone has to call Frank and Ralph and Danielle and let them know the situation. I can us all over if you want. Tammi, I know you should’t be driving. And dad, you need to work on calming mom down.
Betty: I can’t believe this! Whoever did it needs to have their ass kicked!
Tammi: I feel numb.
Teri: That’s a very normal reaction to this.
Tammi: Who would want to do this to my dad?
Teri: I guess it was someone who didn’t appreciate whatever he was delivering as a constable. There are so many crazy people out there.
Betty: Crazy people with guns! We need no more guns!
Teri: Okay, let’s not get political when we’ve got the Queen of the 2nd Amendment here with us.
Tammi: I’m not really worried about a political debate when my dad’s just been shot. We gotta go see him.
Teri: Yeah, let’s go. And, mom… please behave.
Betty: I always behave! When do I not behave?
Teri: I don’t have enough time.
At the hospital…
Cindy: Oh, Jerry! You had me so worried! That cop -
Jerry: Oh, the cop was an idiot. I told him I was fine! Yes, I did pass out afterwards, but I said I was fine!
Cindy: How did this happen?
Jerry: It was one little interaction gone wrong. I think the guy had mental issues.
Cindy: Clearly!
Jerry: He was threatening me, but I didn’t buy it. He just seemed desperate. I was going to arrest him for threatening me, and he must’ve gotten frightened by that and actually shot me with the gun he really did have. I tried to fire back, but I think my bullet just hit the ground. It certainly didn’t hit him. I think he got away.
Cindy: What if he’s out there? What if he’s coming for you?
Jerry: I don’t think he wanted me dead. If he did, he’d have shot me again. He was just scared to lose his house. I understand it, but I was just doing my job.
Cindy: Well, that job needs to end.
Jerry: We’re not talking about this.
Tammi: Dad! You’re okay!
Cindy: Somebody got here fast!
Teri: I had to speed. Mom was screaming the whole time.
Betty: I’m so glad your’e alive! I was scared!
Tammi: She kept repeating “he’s dead” over and over again.
Jerry: Glad you had faith in me!
Betty: I always fear the worst, you know that.
Cindy: Can you guys all tell him that you agree he needs to resign as constable?
Tammi: Maybe we can have that discussion later.
Cindy: All right, fine. He has to go to therapy, though. This is a traumatic experience for someone.
Jerry: I got nicked in the shoulder. I’ll be out of here by Wednesday.
Cindy: You were shot by a madman. I need you to recover fully, and that includes mentally.
Teri: Besides, you could definitely stand to benefit from therapy.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Teri: I think you know what it means.
Jerry: You know, it’s not very politically correct of you to use therapy as some sort of diss.
Teri: I would slap you if you hadn’t already been shot today.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
