Gretchen is in her office.
Gretchen: Carol! Massachusetts! Come in here!
Carol: What did we do wrong?
Gretchen: Wrong? No, you didn’t do anything wrong!
Sarita: Why’d we get called to the principal’s office, then?
Carol: Yeah, it’s rarely good news when you’re calling us down like the announcer on The Price Is Right.
Gretchen: I just wanted to praise you both for all the work you’ve put in the last few weeks. This office was in shambles and you two have cleaned things up tremendously. Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart.
Carol: It’s our jobs. Besides, it’s kinda our fault for everything falling apart.
Gretchen: No, it’s not. I was moping and I wasn’t leading the team. Since Massachusetts got her promotion, you’ve both really kicked it into high gear with marvelous levels of efficiency. I’m proud of this office!
Carol: Aww, you’re gonna make me cry!
Sarita: I appreciate the kind words. It’s nice to feel like your work is appreciated and noticed.
Gretchen: I really didn’t envision things ever getting back on track after how much of a mess this office was, but it’s all come together very quickly. How could I not notice?
Carol: I’ve worked for you for almost twenty years, and I’ve always been a hard worker, but I don’t recall you ever having a conversation like this with me before.
Gretchen: That’s because you never had to clean up after a mess like this before. I mean, I forgot we had to prepare a budget proposal! That’s a new one!
Carol: Oh, by the way, you’re meeting with Hank and Jeanne about the budget tomorrow after lunch.
Gretchen: All right, now you’ve done something wrong!
Carol: It comes with the job, you know that!
Gretchen: No other governor has to deal with this!
Carol: And no other governor can count calamari production among the three biggest issues facing their state. Trust me, we’ve got it easy enough.
Sarita: You have a point when you put it that way.
Carol: I always have a point, my mind is incredible.
Gretchen: Carol, this is unbecoming.
Carol: Let me have my moment of cockiness. I promise it won’t last
Later that day…
Toby: Hey, mom, can I ask you something?
Gretchen: Oh god, did something happen at school? Or, even worse, do you need help on your math homework?
Toby: No, nothing is wrong at school. No math homework, either.
Gretchen: That’s a beautiful thing to hear. So, what is it that you wanted to ask?
Toby: Well, I’m sixteen now -
Gretchen: No! Don’t say that!
Toby: Why not?
Gretchen: I refuse to accept that my baby is growing up! Too traumatic!
Toby: Getting older won’t change anything.
Gretchen: You say that now, but look at your sister! She’s off at school, an hour away. And she left late! You actually have some ambition, you’ll be leaving me soon enough for college.
Toby: I’m going to Brown, I’m not leaving Providence.
Gretchen: There’s that ambition!
Toby: What I’m really ambitious about now is learning to drive! I got a permit months ago when I turned sixteen, I think now it’s time to learn.
Gretchen: No! God! No!
Toby: Is this about me growing up? I told you, I’m not leaving you.
Gretchen: No, not this time. I trust your word. This is about the absolute nightmare we went through trying to help your sister get her license.
Toby: But Christina never drives.
Gretchen: Did you ever think there was a reason for that?
Toby: Did she fail her test?
Gretchen: Oh, no, she passed. She’s just a nightmare on the road. Anxious to the point of being a danger. In hindsight, it may have been our fault for letting your grandmother help teach her.
Lucinda: What’s this you’re putting on me?
Gretchen: My daughter being too nervous to drive.
Lucinda: I taught her how drivers act in the real world, not this sensitive nonsense you like to say.
Gretchen: You scarred her for life!
Lucinda: No, that’s what you did!
Anthony: Stop, stop! You both scarred her!
Gretchen: That is unfair!
Toby: It seems pretty fair, based on… what I’ve seen.
Anthony: In fairness to them, I was no better. The entire operation was flawed. Now, how’d this conversation come back up?
Toby: I want to learn to drive.
Anthony: Oh boy!
Toby: You guys are worrying me.
Lucinda: There’s reason to be worried, these two are terrible at this. You can trust me, though. I’ll get you road ready.
Gretchen: Don’t listen to her, she’ll turn you into one of those aggressive, dangerous drivers. We’ll keep you respectable and responsible.
Lucinda: That’s not how anyone actually drives.
Gretchen: It’s how I drive!
Lucinda: You ever notice how upset other people are when they see you on the road?
Gretchen: What is that supposed to mean?
Lucinda: Just take a glance the next time you’re out on the road.
Gretchen: Anthony, do people really hate my driving?
Anthony: She’s just trying to rattle you.
Gretchen: I thought so.
Lucinda: I’m only trying to help, but feel free to ignore me if it makes you feel better!
Toby: So who am I getting my driving lesson from tomorrow?
Gretchen: Me.
Toby: Final answer?
Gretchen: Final answer. Get some rest tonight, we’ve got a lot to do tomorrow!
Toby: Do I need more rest than usual for a driving lesson?
Anthony: The way they work in this house? Yeah.
The next day, at work…
Carol: Wow, Gretchen, you’re early!
Gretchen: It’s a big day!
Sarita: I understand the budget meeting with Hank and Jeanne is a big deal, but I don’t think that’s something that would bring a smile to anyone’s face as they arrive an hour early for work.
Gretchen: Oh, crap, I forgot about that!
Carol: So you’re not here early to prepare?
Gretchen: No, I try to think of them as little as possible. Besides, I don’t need any extra time to prepare for a meeting with them. A kindergartner could run circles around them in an argument.
Carol: That’s not what you say whenever they shoot down another of your ideas.
Gretchen: It’s not that I’m outwitted by them, it’s that they’re both thickheaded idiots who like to stand in the way of progress.
Carol: Anyway, if you forgot about the meeting, then what is it that makes today a “big day?”
Gretchen: I’m teaching Toby how to drive today!
Sarita: Oh, fun! I loved getting lessons from my parents, we had so much fun. I was a quick learner, too, that’s how they knew I was really grown up and ready to take on the world.
Carol: Well, Gretchen’s had a bunch of fun with driving lessons, too! Haven’t you, gov?
Gretchen: Shut up!
Sarita: I feel like I’m missing some context here.
Gretchen: It was my daughter Christina. Our driving lessons with her were a disaster, we made her too scared to even get on the road.
Sarita: How’d you do that?
Gretchen: So, I made her watch a video on the dangers of driving -
Carol: She sent me to buy it, so naturally, I was curious and popped it in. This video starts out with a car crash where a person’s head flies through their windshield because they were texting and driving and ran a red light.
Sarita: I can see how that would be scary for a teenager.
Carol: Yeah, but she’s not a teenager anymore and she’s still too scared to drive, thanks to our governor.
Gretchen: I appreciate the support.
Sarita: Just don’t show your son the video and you should be good.
Gretchen: Oh, I burned the video. Took a matchbook and lit it on fire in the backyard. That disc was a thing of evil!
Carol: Unfortunately, the video was only the start of the problems. The person showing it is also a bit anxiety-inducing.
Gretchen: I’m just a mom who cares about her kid.
Carol: There’s such a thing as caring too much.
Gretchen: So when I give Toby his driving lesson, I should care less?
Carol: That sounds a bit simplistic when you say it that way, but yes. Relax, let him take the lead and only involve yourself when he’s doing something wrong. And, when he is doing something wrong, let him know calmly. Poor Christina had to deal with screaming and panic over any possible mistake she could theoretically make.
Sarita: So you were calm when you taught Susana to drive?
Carol: Oh, I didn’t teach Susana to drive. I hired a guy for that. Only the best for my baby girl!
Sarita: Governor Raymond, have you considered the same?
Gretchen: I think I trust myself to educate my own child on something I do every day.
Carol: Why do you drive, anyway? You have drivers paid for by the state, you should use them.
Gretchen: I don’t need to mooch. I’m perfectly capable of driving myself, so I will.
Carol: You sound like a conservative.
Gretchen: Never say that again or you’re fired!
Later that day…
Hank: So, you’ve come to us with a plan, a late plan, and it’s just a literal wishlist of all your policies with zero concessions. Was your strategy to just spur this on us at the last minute in the hopes we’d have less time to think about it and blindly pass it?
Gretchen: I think it’s a good place to start, I’m always open to negotiations.
Jeanne: The state needs a budget stat, there’s no time for games.
Gretchen: It’s not a game. I wrote up a budget funding what I believe to be the most important needs of our state. You are free to disagree, but as governor, I’d like a bit of respect from the both of you and I request that you at least consider each item in the budget before carving it up.
Hank: Since you took so long to put anything together, we went ahead and put a budget together ourselves. We’d like it if you took a look at it and got your thoughts on it.
Gretchen: Feels a bit flimsy.
Jeanne: We’re trying to be responsible, something you’d best keep in mind when preparing your own proposals.
Gretchen: I may as well have a Republican legislature with obstructionists like the two of you in as ConservaDem albatrosses around my neck.
Hank: I simply want to keep a reasonable budget that won’t ruin the state financially.
Gretchen: No, you want to ruin me politically. Remember, your election is close and I can always come out and endorse you!
Hank: No!
Gretchen: Then I’d suggest a bit of cooperation on this budget.
Jeanne: Are you blackmailing us? You have nothing to blackmail me on, my race isn’t even being contested.
Gretchen: Come on, you’d hate to lose your henchman.
Hank: I think we should hear her out.
Gretchen: All I ask!
Later that day…
Toby: Mom, you were late!
Gretchen: I know, I’m sorry!
Toby: I went to bed early for this!
Gretchen: Work was very annoying today, we had budget negotiations all day long. Very draining.
Toby: Do you not want to do the lesson?
Gretchen: No, we’re doing it! Hop in the car!
Toby: Can I get in the driver’s seat?
Gretchen: No! Not yet! I have to show you how to drive first, then you can try for yourself.
Toby: How long will that be?
Gretchen: Eh, a few days.
Toby: A few days?
Gretchen: Just want to be safe!
Toby: I’m never learning, am I?
Gretchen: Don’t talk like that! Have faith!
Toby: Why would I have any of that?
Gretchen: I get that this is disappointing, but I want to be thorough so I can keep you safe. This is all standard practice.
Later that night…
Anthony: Kiddo! How was your first driving lesson?
Toby: Awful! I just sat in the passenger seat next to mom for two hours while she drove around the neighborhood like normal.
Anthony: She’s showing you the ropes.
Toby: How can I ever learn without being put behind the wheel? I need experience, not a long, droning lesson!
Anthony: Did you tell your mother this?
Toby: She doesn’t listen!
Anthony: That is true.
Lucinda: It really is!
Anthony: Stay out of this one!
Lucinda: Kid, I’ll let you behind the wheel of my car right now, you’ll know how to drive by tomorrow.
Anthony: Not on the road!
Lucinda: Never!
Toby: Let’s do it!
Anthony: What should I tell your mother when she asks where you two are?
Lucinda: Just tell him we went for ice cream to celebrate him starting his driving lessons.
Anthony: That’s a lie, though.
Lucinda: As if you’ve never told one of those.
One hour later…
Toby: Oh my god, that was awful!
Gretchen: What’s wrong? You look frightened!
Lucinda: The kid’s not a driver.
Gretchen: What?
Lucinda: Crashed my station wagon right into a parked car.
Gretchen: You said they went for ice cream!
Lucinda: That was the intention, letting him drive us to the ice cream shop. We didn’t make it. Go take a look at my car.
Anthony: I thought they were going to drive a bit in a parking lot.
Gretchen: You knew Toby was going to drive? With my mother? You know how ignorant she is, of course this was all part of her scheme!
Toby: I never want to drive again!
Gretchen: No, I can teach you!
Toby: Mom, you infantilized me, and then grandma scarred me. I’m good. I can Uber.
Gretchen: I didn’t mean to infantilize you, I just wanted to give you time to learn. Clearly I was wise to do that, I can see from the window what happened to your grandmother’s car.
Lucinda: Frankly, it could’ve been worse.
Gretchen: How?
Lucinda: This may have spared him from having to endure any more of your “lessons.”
Gretchen: Are you doubting my ability to teach my son to drive?
Lucinda: Well, you being too careful about letting him dip a toe into the driving pool led him right into my arms, and as you can see, I’m dangerous!
Anthony: As I suspected, neither of you are all that fit to assist Toby. I can do it.
Gretchen: You’re just as bad as me!
Anthony: I’d at least let him behind the wheel.
Gretchen: I was being cautious! I didn’t want anything happening to my baby!
Toby: If I say yes to letting dad give me a driving lesson, can I go do my homework?
Anthony: Yes.
Toby: Then yes. See you tomorrow!
Two days later…
Mary: Toby! What brings you here?
Toby: I need help.
Mary: What has my sister done now?
Toby: It’s all of them.
Mary: Oh god, what’s going on in that house?
Toby: I’m trying to learn how to drive, and my mom, my dad, and my grandmother are all insane people. Mom wouldn’t let me drive at all, grandma let me drive on the road and then screamed last me the whole time until I crashed, and then dad kept telling me to slow down any time I went above two miles an hour even though we were in a parking lot.
Mary: So you need someone to vent to? I’m here for you whenever. I know firsthand how annoying all of them are.
Toby: I need you to give me driving lessons. I need someone sane and rational, and I don’t know anyone that is besides you.
Mary: Aww, you’re too kind! Of course I can help my nephew with a major milestone! Besides, this is going to eat away at your mother knowing you came to me for help! I can’t wait to see her face!
Toby: You think she’ll react that badly?
Mary: That’s not for you to worry about.
Toby: I think it is, though. I have to live with her.
Mary: And I’ll be on the receiving end of a stern phone call. It’ll be worth it, though, if it gets you road ready!
Two weeks later…
Toby: Guess what I got!
Gretchen: An A on your test?
Toby: My drivers license!
Gretchen: Huh?
Lucinda: We were informed that you’d given up on that dream for now. Was that a lie?
Toby: I had to ask aunt Mary for help. I didn’t want to hurt any of your feelings, but I could tell it wasn’t gonna work out with you three. I felt more at ease with her.
Lucinda: Your own sister stole your son from you and you didn’t see it coming! Now do you see why I rag on you?
Gretchen: She is about to get a very stern talking-to!
Toby: No, she helped me a lot! Don’t give her a hard time for helping me out.
Anthony: We were a bit awful, Gretchen. She did him a solid, let’s just be glad it worked out.
Toby: Thank you for being rational. It’s not a personal slight, I promise. I could just work better with someone who wasn’t so personally invested in my success.
Gretchen: I could’ve taught you well!
Lucinda: Yeah, maybe by 2030.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
