Tammi steps out of the shower and slips on the tile floor.
Tammi: Help me! Someone help me! I can’t get up!
Teri: Are you decent?
Tammi: Will you refuse help if I’m not?
Teri: I’ll just go get your husband then.
Tammi: I have a towel around me.
Teri: All right, I’m coming in. The door is locked.
Tammi: Get the key.
Teri: We have a bathroom key?
Tammi: You didn’t know?
Teri: I’ve never seen it. I mind my own business. I don’t go opening locked bathroom doors.
Tammi: Just help. I’m in a lot of pain.
Teri: Where is the key?
Tammi: It’s behind the picture next to the door.
Teri: We really guard this bathroom like it’s Fort Knox.
Tammi: did you find it?
Teri: Got it! Now, what happened in here?
Tammi: The floor is soaked! I’m in a puddle of water that’s laying on the bathroom floor. I feel disgusting. I want to go right back in the shower.
Teri: I think if you needed my help just to be able to get up, it might be best to seek immediate medical attention.
Tammi: Can I at least get dressed and dry my hair?
Teri: I wasn’t about to take you to the hospital while looking like a wet dog wrapped in a towel. It’s forty degrees outside, you’ll get pneumonia. Do you think you can dry and clothe yourself on your own, or should I get Frank?
Tammi: Can you get me a chair? If I sit in that, I think I’ll be okay.
Alysa: What’s going on in here? I was waiting to hop in the shower so I can get ready for school.
Teri: You’re back at school?
Alysa: Since Monday, yeah.
Teri: That’s great! I was always so worried you’d just drop out of school because of the baby. It’s so important for a bright young woman to get a proper education.
Alysa: Again… shower?
Teri: Oh! You look fine!
Alysa: I look like a mother who got four hours of sleep and was breastfeeding.
Teri: There’s no sense in hiding who you are.
Alysa: What’s going on in here?
Tammi: I fell and I’m gonna need to go to the hospital. I think something is… if not broken, sprained.
Alysa: That’s terrible!
Teri: You can use the upstairs shower. I don’t need it for another hour or so.
Alysa: Thank you.
Jerry: What’s with the commotion in here?
Teri: Just a slip and fall. It happens when you get older, you know.
Tammi: It wasn’t just a klutzy slip and fall, there was water all over the floor.
Jerry: The shower’s leaking.
Tammi: Duh!
Cindy: Alysa! Caitlin is crying! I think she’s hungry!
Alysa: There’s a bottle in the refrigerator.
Cindy: That was supposed to be for while you’re away. She’s a very hungry girl.
Alysa: I’ll feed her quickly.
Jerry: So about the bathroom… you’re sure you closed the shower door properly?
Tammi: Yes. I’m diligent with it.
Jerry: I saw Mitchell make a mess out of the bathroom before because he doesn’t know how to close a door.
Tammi: Did you just compare me to Mitchell?
Jerry: I apologize, it wasn’t intentional.
Teri: Let’s just get her dressed and to the hospital, and then you can worry about the bathroom.
Jerry: I’m just concerned. If there’s a defect in the shower, that’s a safety risk for all of us, not just Tammi. I think we should all avoid showering in here today until I can figure out what’s wrong.
Teri: That’s gonna cause a big backup. There’s twelve people living in this house! We need more than two working bathrooms. Especially since mom is overly protective of her master bathroom.
Jerry: It won’t be too long. Besides, one of those twelve people is a baby! She doesn’t shower! It’ll be good.
Tammi: Okay, everyone out please. I gotta dressed so I can get to the hospital.
Teri: Sorry, Tammi. Your dad just distracted me with nonsense.
Jerry: It’s not nonsense! This is a hazard.
Teri: I’m gonna turn into a hazard I you don’t shut up!
Jerry: Fine. You all slip and fall just like Tammi and we can have a whole family in the hospital.
Tammi: Everyone out! Now!
Later that day…
Betty: I see everyone’s had a productive day.
Frank: Honey, are you okay sitting at the table?
Tammi: I’m fine. It’s just a simple broken knee, no need to worry about me.
Frank: Are you sure?
Teri: The woman said she’s sure. Stop torturing us with the sound of your voice.
Ralph: I’ve had a knee replacement before, I know what you’re going through.
Tammi: Mine was just a broken knee cap. They’re repairing it with a cast. It’s a pain in the butt, but at least there was no surgery.
Jerry: The bathroom’s not so lucky.
Tammy: Huh?
Danielle: He spent the whole day in the bathroom getting to the bottom of the leak.
Betty: That’s why he died’t come to work? We were so short-staffed!
Karl: We really were not.
Betty: It’s our busy season!
Karl: Debatable.
Jerry: It’s not true. I also went to Home Depot. I’m ready to renovate this bathroom.
Karl: Hold on. Renovate? I thought you just had to fix the leak in the shower.
Jerry: I decided we needed to modernize the bathroom. It’s a little outdated.
Frank: I think it’s fine.
Teri: I need to hear his plan before I decide whether you should shut up or not, Frank.
Betty: I think it could be good to update it. We didn’t change a thing before we moved in.
Jerry: I’m replacing the shower completely, and then I’m going to re-tile the floor, paint the walls a new color, replace the countertops, and get a new light.
Danielle: So… you’re changing everything?
Jerry: No! The toilet’s staying.
Ralph: How long is this going to take? We all know that you have a habit of, uh… taking your time.
Jerry: I do it right. And doing it right takes time.
Ralph: How much time?
Jerry: A week or two.
Ralph: We’re only going to have two bathrooms for two weeks?
Jerry: Think o all the people suffering in the world right now. Now think of how ridiculous it is that you guys are concerned about “only” having two bathrooms.
Teri: There are a hundred people living in this house./
Jerry: And whose fault is that?
Ralph: He got you there.
Jerry: No he did not, you all willingly agreed to this!
Rank: I was not consulted.
Jerry: That should tell you how important you are.
Steven: What if we used the bathroom in the guest house to shower?
Karl: I don’t know about disturbing Jeanette and Rick.
Teri: You’re just trying to avoid interacting with them.
Karl: That’s an awful accusation!
Cindy: It’s also certainly true.
Karl: They’re very nice people, just incredibly overbearing. They can just be… a lot.
Betty: That’s my sister you’re talking about!
Karl: If it helps any, I’m referring more to Rick than her.
Betty: It does help!
Teri: Can we use the bathroom at all while you’re repairing it?
Jerry: it wouldn’t be wise. I think you can all manage.
Teri: You have way too much faith in us.
Betty: When are you going to get this work done?
Jerry: I’m gonna stay home from work. It’s not like you need me that badly.
Betty: One day was bad enough! Now you want two weeks off?
Steven: I can fill in for him later school
Alysa: Can you?
Steven: Maybe not.
Teri: Happy wife, happy life.
Frank: What would you know about that?
Teri: I was married for a few hours once!
Betty: Such an embarrassing day.
Teri: We all make mistakes.
Betty: You’re too old for it. For a few fleeting moments, I thought I was getting grandchildren!
Ralph: Because drunken Vegas weddings are a solid marital foundation.
Cindy: You have grandchildren.
Ralph: One of them has a grandchild.
Betty: I meant from Teri! I already conceded that I’ll never get grandkids from Ralph, but I still had hope for Teri.
Alysa: I can handle Caitlin if you really want to help your grandparents out. It’s not like you can help with breastfeeding. That kid has an addiction.
Teri: You might have to stop feeding her too much, you don’t want her to pack on the pounds so young.
Karl: Oh my god…
Steven: It would be good to make some extra money, too.
Jerry: Is everyone on board now?
Cindy: Can we at least see the plan for the new bathroom? You’re not exactly an interior designer, babe.
Jerry: Are you insulting my taste?
Cindy: No! Never! Just saying we should all have a say.
Jerry: I suppose that’s fair.
One week later…
Teri: How much longer is this repair going to take?
Tammi: He said another week.
Cindy: No, he said it would be another week longer than he initially said.
Teri: Did any of us really expect him to finish the bathroom in two weeks?
Ralph: I’d be shocked if it took less than two months!
Danielle: I need to go to the bathroom and Steven and Alysa are both in the shower.
Teri: Separately? What hogs.
Ralph: Married couples showering together would be an amazing time saver.
Teri: You could always run to the guest house.
Danielle: I don’t want to bother them in the morning!
Teri: Your choice. Hold it or not.
Danielle: Oh god, the sight of all you drinking coffee really makes me have to go. Damn bladder!
Ralph: I know, I miss being less old.
Danielle: You’ve never even endured childbirth. Now that wreaks havoc on the bladder.
Tammi: I know I take extra-long in the shower now with this cast on. It’s the least convenient time for this.
Danielle: All right, I gotta go. Wish me luck!
Teri: You going in the bushes?
Danielle: No! The guest house!
Teri: Oh, good luck. I hope Jeanette and Rick are early risers, or you might get shot.
Danielle: They have a gun?
Teri: Probably not, they’re diehard liberals.
Tammi: I think a lot of liberals own guns.
Teri: Okay, so she might get shot. Does saying that help anyone? No, Tammi. It does not. See why I didn’t say it?
Tammi: I do.
Teri: sometimes, I see why you settled for marrying Frank.
Ten minutes later…
Cindy: Is it not odd that a house this large and with this many bedrooms would only have three bathrooms?
Ralph: Maybe instead of renovating the old bathroom, Jerry could’ve installed an all-new bathroom.
Alysa: It’s going to take him a month to lay tile and paint, imagine if he had to install plumbing.
Tammi: Yeah, please don’t put that idea in dad’s mind.
Ralph: It would get him out of our hair for longer, at least.
Alysa: It would also keep Steven at work every night. I need him back at home. It’s so hard to deal with her on my own.
Ralph: I think Danielle and I do a good job watching her while you’re away. We can help you when you’re home, too.
Alysa: I, uh… appreciate the offer. I’d just rather have my husband around to help out.
Ralph: I get it.
Danielle: I did not enjoy that.
Ralph: She’s alive!
Danielle: I felt so bad bothering them.
Ralph: I’m sure they didn’t mind.
Danielle: They were baking. Who bakes this early?
Ralph: The elderly.
One week later…
Jeanette: All right, I really do appreciate you all letting us stay here. Don’t take this as ungratefulness. But -
Rick: You guys are driving us nuts using our bathroom.
Jeanette: In and out, in and out. Constantly ringing the doorbell. I used to go for walks around the neighborhood. Now, I get my steps in by walking around the neighborhood.
Betty: It’s not our fault.
Teri: Yeah, blame Jerry!
Jerry: I’m almost done!
Teri: I walked in there yesterday and almost cried.
Jerry: That good?
Teri: There’s barely any tile on the floor yet!
Jerry: It might be another week.
Jeanette: No!
Cindy: Honey, do you need help finishing it? We can all chip in.
Jerry: The bathroom isn’t big enough for a bunch of people. I can finish it on my own, I just have to pick up the pace. I have to be less meticulous.
Cindy: You’re gonna have to just hurry it up, then. This is ridiculous. It disturbs the flow.
Alysa: I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and both bathrooms were in use. I had to walk outside, I tripped on a paver. To top it all off, I somehow didn’t realize I wasn’t wearing a shirt. I just had a bra on.
Cindy: you sleep in your bra?
Alysa: I’m a new mother, sometimes you take the wrong thing off before bed!
Jerry: I can speed it up, if that helps.
Tammi: It really does. This is not going well or us.
Karl: We’re very pampered.
Rick: We can tell. None of you have any bladder control, apparently.
Jerry: Give me one week. It’ll be done by then.
Cindy: Do you promise?
Jerry: Absolutely.
Teri: I see no way he can bungle this.
One week later…
Jerry: I now present to you… our main bathroom!
Cindy: Wow, this looks great!
Betty: This was with you being rushed?
Jerry: Yeah.
Betty: We should rush you more often. The same result in half the time.
Jerry: Glad you all like it.
Tammi: If you excuse me, I’m taking a shower.
Teri: Please don’t slip again, it might cause us to lose our bathroom for another three weeks.
Jeanette: I’m changing the locks, just in case.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read a new episode next week!
