Marietta walks into her office.
Marietta: Guess what I got for us!
Tammy: Hopefully wine.
Marietta: Wine?
Tammy: The alcohol they make from grapes.
Marietta: I’m aware of the concept. It’s nine in the morning.
Tammy: You were a dedicated viewer of Kathie Lee and Hoda, I know you have no qualms about drinking wine at 9 AM.
Marietta: I don’t do it myself. I’m more of a casual nighttime drinker.
Amy: I’ve been drinking more than casually in the last couple of days.
Henrietta: Oh, I wonder why.
Tammy: You know, I saw we did flip a few county judge races in Pennsylvania this week. The election wasn’t a total bust.
Amy: Oh yeah, we re-elected an insane Republican president, but at least Bucks County has a new Democrat judge. Newsflash, Tammy: I don’t live in Bucks County!
Tammy: You all asked me to keep you updated on positive developments for the party. We had no House races and we lost the one Senate seat up, so I had to dig a little deeper for good news.
Marietta: Anyway, does anyone have a guess — unrelated to alcohol — for what I just got us?
Amy: A bottle of antidepressants?
Henrietta: We’re going to need more than one bottle.
Marietta: We have to get our minds off of Delphy winning re-election and focus on fun an positive things.
Amy: Actually, we need to focus on keeping up resistance.
Tammy: Give it a rest, oh my god. You have to allow people to feel joy in order to have the motivation to resist.
Amy: Just let me wallow in self-pity for a while! I am in misery!
Henrietta: Must we also be?
Marietta: You won’t be for long! We are going to Sunday’s New Orleans Saints game against the Giants right here in New Orleans!
Henrietta: You think the Saints will cheer us up?
Amy: Oh honey.
Marietta: Even if they lose -
Henrietta: If?
Amy: 1-8.
Marietta: There are teams with worse records!
Amy: Whomst?
Marietta: The 2017 Cleveland Browns.
Amy: That was almost ten years ago!
Henrietta: It was my dream to go to a Super Bowl featuring the Saints. I started up a fund to be able to pay for it. I used that fund last month to buy myself a new computer. They have stolen my joy. They are joy thieves.
Marietta: A Saints game is always fun. It’s about the atmosphere!
Amy: The losing atmosphere?
Marietta: The Giants suck too! Now’s our chance to win!
Tammy: Don’t drag my Giants into this.
Marietta: I didn’t realize I was in enemy territory!
Tammy: I was New York’s senator and First Lady, and you didn’t think I was a fan of the Giants?
Marietta: Why would anyone be?
Tammy: A Saints fan saying that? Quite rich…
Amy: Remember that you live in New Orleans.
Tammy: In my house!
Henrietta: What are you guys gonna do about that when you leave office, by the way?
Tammy: I’m going home, I guess. I apparently don’t fit in enough in Saints territory.
Marietta: Oh, come on, I was joking! Sports isn’t serious enough to argue about.
Amy: It is when our team doesn’t suck, though.
Marietta: Well when’s the last time we’ve had a winning team?
Amy: I don’t want to talk about it.
Henrietta: Maybe the new WNBA team will be good!
Marietta: As if that’s a suitable replacement for the Saints being even halfway-decent.
Henrietta: You’re a part-owner.
Marietta: I bleed black and gold.
Tammy: You should see a doctor about that.
Marietta: So can I count on all of you to be there?
Tammy: Can we sit in different sections? I won’t be seated with any obnoxious Saints fans screaming “who dat?”
Marietta: No.
Tammy: Fine… I’ll have to just put up a peaceful resistance.
Later that day…
Patty Lynn: Marietta! What brings you by?
Kathleen: You here to commiserate over the downfall of America?
Marietta: The country’s going to be okay. He’ll only be in office a few more years, and I’m sure we’ll find an inspiring nominee.
Kathleen: We said that last time. Then he extended the presidential term to five years and the Supreme Court let him for some reason and sent a mob after Congress, among other idiocy. We might not have a country by the time of the next election, and we certainly won’t nominate anyone competent. We’re Democrats.
Marietta: She seems chipper.
Kathleen: What on earth is there to be chipper about?
Marietta: The New Orleans Saints, perhaps?
Patty Lynn: Don’t even get her started! Oh my god, don’t get her started.
Kathleen: I’m convince I’ll die before they have another winning season.
Marietta: They just had a winning season two years ago!
Kathleen: And it’s been downhill from there. I miss Brees!
Patty Lynn: He’s retired and he’s not coming back! He’s old!
Kathleen: We’re old. He’s still fit enough to turn this team around!
Marietta: Do you guys argue about this a lot?
Patty Lynn: At least once a week.
Marietta: Well, would you like to argue about it from the comfort of the Superdome?
Patty Lynn: I would love that!
Kathleen: My heart couldn’t stand seeing them fumble the game in person.
Marietta: I did get tickets for all of us, as a sort of post-election pick-me-up.
Patty Lynn: Maybe we could go somewhere else with Kathleen. She’s been in such a sour mood.
Kathleen: I have not been!
Marietta: I’ll try to think of something. For now, though, the Saints await! Kathleen, your choice.
Kathleen: Watching from home! I can curse and throw things here.
Patty Lynn: Cursing and throwing things is a classic activity for a football game!
Three days later…
Marietta: No Kathleen?
Patty Lynn: No, she’d rather watch from home.
Amy: Some people just don’t like fun, I guess.
Marietta: Speaking of which, where is Milton?
Moira: Wait, what foo you mean “speaking of which?”
Marietta: He’s not the most fun guy, is he?
Moira: We have a lot of fun?
Marietta: You have to say that, you share a bed. Now where is he?
Moira: He’s in DC. Some sort of Senate nonsense…
Kyle: Maria’s also in DC. I thought she might be lying just because she’s so tired of flying, but I doubt they’re both lying about having congressional business.
Tammy: I worked in Congress for thirty-four years. We’d rather cut our own hands off than work on a Sunday.
Marietta: Some of us have a better work ethic than others.
Amy: Shorts fired!
Marietta: I’m sorry, she’s in Giants blue. I’m primed for a fight.
Tammy: We’re gonna beat dem Saints today.
Marietta: Not a terrible bet, frankly.
Sarah: Can I sell one the tickets if Kathleen and dad aren’t coming?
Marietta: No! Scalping is not cool!
Sarah: But I like money.
Marietta: Who raised you?
Sarah: You, partially.
Marietta: You must’ve got this greediness from your father.
Moira: I don’t think that’s fair.
Marietta: I do! Anyway, I have to go meet with the team, I’ve been invited to meet all of them.
Henrietta: You don’t want to wait until after the game to celebrate the big win with them?
Marietta: That’s a cruel joke, Henrietta.
Henrietta: It wasn’t meant to be a joke. I have faith!
Moira: You alone have faith.
Marietta: I’ll see you guys after I meet the team. Don’t wait up for me.
Tammy: Don’t worry, we weren’t gonna.
Later that day…
Marietta: Anything interesting happen while I was gone?
Tammy: The man behind me saw my Giants hat and poured a beer on me.
Amy: Do you know how annoying someone has to find you to dump a $25 stadium beer on you?
Tammy: They just can’t handle an alternative opinion. You Saints fans are quite violent.
Patty Lynn: We are not, we’re a cheerful bunch, usually.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a round of applause for city’s sixty-forth mayor, Marietta Landfield.
Patty Lynn: Aww, listen to those cheers. You’re so beloved.
Audience member #1: That’s who you are? You suck! Communist!
Audience member #2: And she brought a Giants fan with her! Boo!
Marietta: I don’t support her lifestyle, either! Boo to her! Not boo to me!
Tammy: Thanks for the support.
Marietta: Any time.
Audience member #3: You’ve ruined this city!
Marietta: Yeah, those are ravenous cheers.
Audience member #4: The Saints suck because of you!
Marietta: I didn’t make the roster, sir.
Henrietta: Stop yelling at her, she’s trying her best!
Audience member #5: Stop bringing politics into my football!
Audience member #6: Loser!
Marietta: I’m just here to enjoy the game like everybody else. Promise.
Announcer: Now, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem.
Moira: Is it too early to go home? I feel like they might try to kill us.
Patty Lynn: There were mostly cheers! Don’t get a few haters get you down.
Audience member #7: Stop talking during the National Anthem!
Patty Lynn: Sorry!
Audience member #7: Shh!
Later that day…
Kathleen: I can’t believe it.
Moira: None of us can believe it. They actually pulled it off.
Sarah: There’s a first time for everything, I guess.
Moria: Second. This is their second win.
Sarah: Much better.
Kathleen: They won and I stayed home!
Marietta: I got booed.
Patty Lynn: By like two people!
Marietta: More than two!
Patty Lynn: Five, tops.
Kathleen: Some of us have real problems, Marietta. I turned down free tickets to a game my team won!
Marietta: That’s why you should never give up home in any of your teams, with the possible exception of the Democratic Party.
Patty Lynn: Oh, come on, if a Saints comeback win isn’t enough to get you out of post-election funk, what will be?
Marietta: Waking up and realizing I’m actually the president-elect and the last year is a horrible nightmare.
Sarah: Ain’t she a chipper one?
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
