Gretchen: Carol, you have everything covered for when I’m out of town, right?
Carol: I don’t know what “everything” encompasses, exactly, but I am fully prepared for your week off, yes.
Mary: I still think a week off is bad optics.
Gretchen: They’re opening a new park at Universal, am I just supposed to not go?
Mary: I think you know the answer to that. I think any responsible adult does.
Carol: A week-long vacation isn’t a big deal, everyone does it. It’s not like anything important is going to happen that requires her to be here, this is Rhode Island.
Mary: The problem is, I’m not sure Pratt can handle the responsibilities of the job of acting governor.
Gretchen: She’s not a schemer anymore like she used to be, she seems to like me now. She can easily fulfill the weekly duties this job entails. If any emergency pops up for whatever reason, you all have my number. I can fly back quickly. I don’t expect that to be the case, though, you guys and Pratt can handle it all.
Sarita: What if Jeanne starts… acting like Jeanne?
Gretchen: She has no real power to cause any major issues. Plus, I could always drop that bomb on her and endorse Carrie Lione’s petition to oust her and replace her.
Sarita: But you couldn’t do that from Florida. It would give her time to try some scheme.
Gretchen: The threat of it happening at all will discourage any potential schemes. Trust me, nothing is going to go wrong this week. You guys will have everything perfectly under control, and I will get a week of rest and relaxation.
Carol: You’re going to Universal, that’s not very relaxing.
Gretchen: Do you have to be so nitpicky?
Carol: Yes. My job here is to be the voice of reason.
Sarita: I thought that was my job?
Gretchen: No, your job is cleaning up the messes that the voice of reason and I make.
Mary: What’s my job?
Gretchen: What does a state house speaker really do? Just like the answer to how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.
Carol: So, once again, I guess the answer to your question is yes. Yes, I have everything covered. You enjoy your vacation. That means right now. Stop pestering me.
Gretchen: It’s the middle of the day, I don’t leave until tomorrow, why would I leave work now?
Carol: You’re talking like you’re on your way out the door already, you got me feeling ready to be acting governor.
Gretchen: Technically, that’s still Pratt.
Carol: Yes, but we all know I’m the one doing the grunt work. I’ll be the one keeping the state running.
Sarita: That’s no different from now, that doesn’t mean we call you “acting governor.”
Gretchen: Don’t get bold, Massachusetts.
The next day…
Gretchen: We are leaving for the airport in five minutes, if you’re not in the car by then, we’re leaving without you!
Lucinda: I don’t know what you’re yelling at me for, I’m ready.
Gretchen: I’m yelling at my children, who don’t even have their suitcases downstairs, let alone in the car.
Christina: I’m trying my best!
Gretchen: I’m seeing no proof of that!
Christina: I’m weighing my suitcase!
Gretchen: What are we at?
Christina: 72 pounds.
Gretchen: Oh my god. Why do you need so much stuff in there?
Christina: I need plenty of outfits for the week!
Gretchen: Who do you think you are, Cher? We’re going to an amusement park, pack a week’s worth of t-shirts and pants, and then something to sleep in.
Lucinda: This is the fault of parenting, Gretchen. You coddle them. When we went on vacation, I’d never let you pack nearly this much. Just the essentials!
Gretchen: And we didn’t even fly, just took the car to Cape Cod.
Lucinda: We were too poor to fly! We weren’t Rockefellers!
Gretchen: Toby, where are you?
Toby: I can’t close my suitcase!
Lucinda: Ah, two for two.
Gretchen: What do you mean?
Toby: The zipper came off my suitcase!
Anthony: I’ll try and fix it!
Lucinda: Why are they packing just before we leave, anyway?
Gretchen: Do you have nothing in your suitcase that you couldn’t pack until this morning? I know I had to put my mouthguard in there this morning, I can’t go one night without that.
Lucinda: They seem to have issues beyond slipping a single item in. Christina’s over twenty pounds above the limit.
Christina: I’m taking stuff out, stop nagging!
Anthony: Does anyone know where the duct tape is?
Gretchen: Duct tape?
Anthony: That zipper’s broken, and we have to get to the airport. I need to take desperate measures.
Gretchen: What if the tape comes undone?
Anthony: Do you have any better ideas?
Lucinda: I’ve got another suitcase. One with a working zipper.
Anthony: Somewhere convenient?
Lucinda: In the basement.
Anthony: Come on, let’s go find it.
Gretchen: Just make it quick, we don’t have time to waste.
Anthony: Got it!
Ten minutes later…
Toby: This suitcase has flowers on it! It’s a girl’s suitcase!
Gretchen: It’s a beautiful work of art!
Toby: Why aren’t you using it then?
Lucinda: Gretchen, are you just going to let your children talk to me like that?
Gretchen: I was wondering the same thing, honestly.
Lucinda: I only use it on road trips. The airlines throw it around too much. But, desperate times!
Anthony: Toby, you should thank your grandmother.
Gretchen: And help us throw your things into this girly suitcase, so we can leave.
Tony: Thank you, grandma…
Anthony: That’s more like it.
Christina: Mom! I need help!
Gretchen: Don’t we all?
Christina: I need advice on what to take out of my suitcase!
Gretchen: It weighs 72 pounds, so I’m guessing you have to have some rocks in there. Take those out.
Christina: Very funny.
Gretchen: I thought so!
Later that day…
Lucinda: My god, I never thought we’d get here.
Gretchen: We got here in good time, I thought.
Lucinda: I guess travel just wears on you more when you get older. Plus, Anthony can’t drive.
Anthony: It’s a rental, I’m not used to driving it!
Lucinda: Good excuse!
Anthony: It’s a perfectly valid one!
Gretchen: At least we all now get to rest at the finest hotel in Orlando.
Lucinda: This is not Disney’s Grand Floridian Resort.
Gretchen: Yes, because we’re not going to Disney World.
Lucinda: But that’s the finest hotel in Orlando. Your father and I used to stay there on our annual trip.
Toby: You know, grandma, you just don’t feel like a Disney sort of person.
Lucinda: What is that supposed to mean?
Anthony: Well, it’s the happiest place on earth, and you are… what you are.
Lucinda: You’re lucky to know me.
Anthony: Oh, I feel it.
Gretchen: All right, here’s our floor.
Lucinda: I hope they have a good on-site restaurant. I’m famished.
Christina: What is this?
Gretchen: I don’t see a problem.
Christina: There’s only one bed in this room. You were supposed to get a three-bedroom suite.
Gretchen: Maybe there’s more to it.
Christina: Hiding somewhere?
Gretchen: I don’t know, but a room mix-up can not be how we start out this vacation. I need this vacation desperately. Desperately!
Anthony: I’m sure if we tell the front desk what happened, they’ll fix it. No need to panic.
Lucinda: Until then, I’m going to eat, and I’m taking my suitcase with me.
Anthony: Oh, you’re gonna look really normal, rolling into the restaurant with a giant suitcase behind you.
Lucinda: My stomach doesn’t care.
Two hours later…
Lucinda: Finally, we get in the room we booked! What took so long?
Gretchen: Okay, you’re gonna love this.
Anthony: If it’s incriminating, you can just lie.
Gretchen: No, no, it’s not that. The receptionist was a fan of mine! Yeah, he recognized me from when I was running for vice president.
Lucinda: Okay?
Gretchen: Well, he was trying to give us a free room upgrade, and give us the presidential suite -
Lucinda: You can’t even win the vice presidency and you think you deserve the presidential suite?
Gretchen: He put the code in wrong, and gave us a smaller room, the “economy” room. Not that there’s an economically-friendly room in this place, but we got the cheapest one. No longer!
Christina: Why did this take two hours, then?
Gretchen: There was a lot to go through, and also he wanted to shoot the breeze with me. You know, catch up about my career, hear all about me.
Lucinda: Someone on this earth wanted to hear “all about” you? That’s one sick puppy.
Christina: That took two hours?
Gretchen: You guys all went to dinner eventually, it’s not like you were waiting in the lobby for me that entire time!
Anthony: That’s correct, thanks goodness. Even I had to eventually concede that hauling my luggage into the restaurant was better than starving myself half to death.
Lucinda: I don’t know why you were hungry, you got that Cinnabon at the airport and dind’t ask us if we wanted one!
Anthony: That was four hours ago!
Lucinda: Sooner than I ate, and you still gave me flak for wanting to eat!
Gretchen: Anyway, let’s head up to our presidential suite, with four bedrooms - one for all of us, so no one has to sleep on the pull-out sofa!
Christina: I need to get to bed soon, too. We have to get up early to beat the crowds tomorrow, and I need my beauty rest.
Gretchen: You’re on vacation!
Christina: That’s when you need sleep the most! We’re walking all day in the hot sun, that takes a toll on you. You have to recharge!
Anthony: Well, I napped on the plane, so I’m feeling charged up. I might hit the town tonight.
Lucinda: It’s Orlando. What town is there to “hit?” This is a giant suburban hellscape.
Anthony: There’s nightlife. I can go to Disney Springs and shop!
Lucinda: Like a woman?
Anthony: Oh my god…
Gretchen: What is “Disney Springs?”
Anthony: It was called Downtown Disney when we were here last.
Lucinda: I always hated that name, it made it sound like the skid row of Disney World.
Anthony: It’s a lovely place, and I can easily kill time there. That’s where I’m heading, anyone else is free to join me.
Toby: Oh my god!
Gretchen: What now? What could anyone possible have to be upset about? We are literally in paradise!
Toby: My Nintendo Switch!
Gretchen: Yes?
Toby: I put it in the top pocket on my suitcase. My old, broken suitcase.
Anthony: I told you to make sure that was cleared out!
Toby: We were in a rush! Now I don’t have my Switch!
Christina: We’re on vacation anyway, there's really no time for NBA 2k25.
Lucinda: I’m quite good at that game, I always win.
Toby: She cheats, she sets it to the easiest setting and then she builds a team of all the best players in the league.
Lucinda: That’s just being smart, you’re upset you didn’t think of it yourself.
Toby: I still wanted to have it, just in case I had some downtime. We won’t be at the park every second of the day!
Anthony: I’m gonna be honest, kid. Not having it here is not your biggest concern.
Toby: Excuse me?
Anthony: That suitcase is junk. I took it out to the trashcan. And I took the trash out early…
Toby: Oh y god, you threw my Nintendo Switch away?!?
Anthony: No, we threw your Nintendo Switch away. It was a collaborative effort.
Lucinda: This is very funny.
Gretchen: It is not! That’s an expensive console.
Lucinda: We have the money.
Toby: All my information’s on there! All of my favorite games were in the case with it! My day is ruined! My week is ruined!
Lucinda: It could be worse, Toby. I bet $50,000 on Caitlin Clark being WNBA MVP and now she’s out with an injury!
Christina: You bet what?
Gretchen: They take real bets on the WNBA?
Lucinda: It’s a very popular league, we watch every Indiana Fever game down at the retirement home. I’ve won two Rolex watches and over three grand off the other old fogies at the home just from betting on the games!
Gretchen: Is that what you’re doing at the home? You told me you were playing bingo and tennis!
Lucinda: Since when do I play tennis? Nah, I’m a gambling woman. Only responsible bets. She was a lock before this, the woman’s a superstar. And now, she’s ruined my vacation.
Toby: Okay, but my game!
Gretchen: Garbage night isn’t until Wednesday, I’ll call Mary and see if she can run over there and pull the suitcase out of the garbage can and put it in our garage.
Lucinda: You want a trash-covered suitcase sitting in our garage?
Gretchen: He forgot he left a video game console and game cards worth about $500 in the pocket. I’d rather just personally check the suitcase myself to make sure he didn’t leave anything else in it.
Toby: Thank you, mom.
Gretchen: Let’s just hope no gross garbage-picker found the suitcase already and took it.
Christina: People do that?
Gretchen: People are strange.
Christina: Thank god we aren’t!
Gretchen: Well… not in that particular way.
Gretchen steps into the hallway and calls Mary.
Mary: What? Mom already driving you nuts? You coming home early?
Gretchen: She is, you knew that before asking, but we’re not coming home. No, I just need you to run over to my house.
Mary: What?
Gretchen: So, I just… it’s a long story, but Toby’s suitcase broke, we had to switch suitcases, but he forgot something in his other suitcase. Anthony threw the old suitcase out, and something very valuable is in it. I need you to make sure it doesn’t get thrown out.
Mary: You want me to go over to your house at 9 PM and sift through garbage?
Gretchen: Well, it’d be ideal.
Mary: I’m in my pajamas, I’ve got my ice cream, I was just settling in for a nice night of binging that new Tina Fey show.
Gretchen: It won’t be long. You only live fifteen minutes away.
Mary: You’re lucky I love you.
Gretchen: Oh, I feel it.
The next day…
Gretchen: All right, gang. We all have different things we want to see on this trip, so we’re going to split up.
Lucinda: Splitting up from an elderly woman and a literal child, what can go wrong?
Gretchen: We all agreed this was the best idea back at the hotel. It’s how we can make sure we see everything we want to in the time we have. You know, they’ve got three parks here to see.
Christina: I do prefer sticking together, but this is fine.
Gretchen: We are going to meet up tonight at seven, we’re going for dinner at Das Stakehaus in the Dark Universe section of the park.
Lucinda: Dinner at seven?
Gretchen: We’re on vacation, mom. I don’t want to waste any prime ride time on eating!
Lucinda: I’ll be eating dinner around three, I’ll see you all at seven for my snack steak.
Anthony: All right, I guess it’s time for us to all be off.
Gretchen: Toby, you check in with us constantly, okay? Just a text telling us where you are. You’re old enough to go off on your own, just not without a status report.
Toby: Okay, sounds good, see ya, mom.
Christina: I think he’s been eagerly anticipating this independence
Lucinda: Yeah, so have I!
Gretchen: You were just complaining about it!
Lucinda: Why would you ever expect me, of all people, to be consistent?
Anthony: That’s a really good point. You are a massive hypocrite.
Lucinda: Thank you.
Later that day, Gretchen is standing in line when she gets a phone call from Carol.
Gretchen: Carol, what’s going on? I’m at the front of a line, I’ve been waiting for a damn hour!
Carol: So, Pratt.
Samantha: What about me?
Carol: Ah! I didn’t know you were right behind me!
Samantha: Duh!
Gretchen: Ladies, what’s going on? The line’s moving fast, hurry!
Carol: She’s driving me nuts!
Samantha: You could just say that to me!
Carol: She won’t listen to me!
Ride operator: Ma’am, you’re up.
Gretchen: Oh, just a minute, sir. Carol, I gotta go.
Carol: No, don’t go!
Gretchen: I’m up next to ride!
Ride operator: You’re holding up the line. Unfortunately, I am going to have to ask you to get on the ride or step out of the line.
Gretchen: Carol, I’m trying to ride this Mario… think.
Carol: You’re trying to ride Mario? That’s a ride they got there.
Gretchen: I don’t know what the ride’s called! I just know it’s time for me to get on it!
Sarita: I think it’s called Bowser’s Challenge.
Gretchen: Sure.
Man: Lady, get moving! You’re being rude!
Gretchen: Do you know who I am?
Woman: An idiot?
Gretchen: I’m the governor of America’s smallest, yet mightiest state.
Woman: Who gives a crap? Get moving!
Gretchen: Could I just let them cut ahead of me while I finish my call?
Ride operator: I’m sorry, I have to remove you from the line for breaking the flow. We can’t allow misbehaving like this to go without punishment, or else, everyone would be doing it.
Gretchen: No, please! It’s just been two minutes!
Ride operator: That’s two minutes you’e added to the wait time. If everyone else did that, we’d never be able to run this thing. Sorry. You’re free to get back in line and wait again.
Gretchen: Carol, this had better be a very important call.
Carol: She’s not respecting my authority! I told her where she had a scheduled appearance today and she blew it off! Me and Massachusetts had to go on our own, we looked so stupid!
Samantha: You didn’t tell me the time!
Gretchen: I missed my ride because Pratt forgot to show up to a silly photo op? Get in witness protection or something, I’m killing you when I get home.
Samantha: Having a bad vacation so far?
Gretchen: Because of you! And Carol!
Carol: I’m gonna let you go and, uh, enjoy your time in Universal.
Gretchen: Yeah, I’m gonna love the extra one hour of waiting.
Man: It’ll be longer than that now, thanks to you!
Gretchen: Sir, I can ban you from the entire state of Rhode Island.
Man: Oh, that really scares me…
Later that night…
Gretchen: Where is everybody? I’m hungry!
Gretchen picks up the phone and calls Anthony.
Anthony: Gretchen, I’m in line for some… I don’t know, it looks like a show of sorts?
Gretchen: You’re in line? Do you know what time it is?
Anthony: Late, I know that. I just sorta found myself in line! I can’t really get out now.
Gretchen: Yes you can!
Anthony: But the show looks cool! It’s some dragon thing. I don’t know, I’m sort of lost.
Gretchen: Well, I don’t know where anyone else is either, but I’m at the restaurant.
Anthony: I’m starting to think maybe splitting up -
Gretchen: Was a terrible idea? Yeah. It was.
Anthony: I think I see your mom now, actually.
Gretchen: Lucky you.
Anthony: Wait, no, that’s just an old man in a viking wig.
Gretchen: That’s a very mean thing to say about my mother.
Anthony: I was being serious! This is a very strange park!
Gretchen: I know, isn’t it glorious?
Two days later…
Lucinda: You know, guys, I think I’m gonna stay home today.
Gretchen: What? You’re not having a blast on this good, old-fashioned family vacation?
Lucinda: Um… well… I don’t mean to insult, but I am, uh, exhausted. I’m old.
Anthony: What? No!
Lucinda: It’s true. And, between the day of traveling, and two twelve-hour days at the parks, I’m beat. I mean, I spent half the first day here just sitting on something called a Yoshi, because there was barely any line and I got to keep sitting and relaxing in my own little pod while I went on a relaxing trip around MarioLand. And I got a sunburn from that, screw you, Yoshi! Little bitch!
Gretchen: This is fine! Sure, we did pay $90 for your ticket today, and that’s going to waste, but things happen!
Christina: Exactly, we don’t want to cause her undue stress.
Lucinda: I appreciate the understanding, and I promise, I’ll be back at it tomorrow. Probably.
Gretchen: Definitely!
Lucinda: Probably.
Anthony: Maybe.
Five days later…
Gretchen: Okay, does everyone have everything they need? Toby?
Toby: Yes, I got it all.
Gretchen: Okay, then the Raymond-Morley family vacation is a wrap, we are en route to the airport. Goodbye, Universal!
Lucinda: We did not get to relax at all.
Gretchen: You spent an entire day at the hotel.
Lucinda: That wasn’t enough relaxing. I saw so many dinosaurs and Harry Potter things and those little gay bananas -
Christina: Do you mean the minions?
Lucinda: Whatever. They’re always talking about bananas!
Christina: I think that’s just the only thing they can say.
Gretchen: I’m hung up on why they’re “gay.”
Lucinda: They’re all male, and they all live together. Some of them do drag. I’m an ally, I support it. I’ve just seen enough of them this week, you know?
Gretchen: Yeah, I think it’s time for this vacation to end.
Christina: Yeah, speaking of seeing too much of something this week, I think we all need a bit of distance again, after all of this togetherness.
Anthony: That’s the magic of a family trip, isn’t it? That pining to finally, at long last, get away from each other.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
