Greg: Frances, you’ve been locked in your office ever since I got home from my run. Can you open up?
Frances: Oh, I can open up, all right.
Greg: You sound mad.
Frances opens the door.
Greg: You look mad.
Frances: Mad doesn’t begin to cover it.
Greg: Is something wrong?
Frances: Are you really going to act like you don’t know what this is about?
Greg: Yes! I really don’t know!
Frances: Greg, over $500,000 has been withdrawn from my - actually, our joint - account. You stole $500,000 from me, and now, I’m going to lose my house. I don’t have enough money to pay for the mortgage.
Greg: What?
Frances: Don’t play dumb with me! I already feel dumb enough! As it goes… fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Greg: I didn’t mean to.
Frances: You didn’t MEAN to? You misplace fifty dollars, maybe even five hundred. Not five hundred thousand! Come on!
Greg: I have a problem.
Frances: You bet you do!
Greg: No, truly, I have a psychological issue.
Frances: Yeah, I’d agree.
Greg: I have a chronic gambling addition. It’s a real problem.
Frances: Especially for me! You stole half a million dollars! Everything I’ve ever earned was invested in this house! I host a baking show on cable TV, I don’t just have half a million dollars to lose!
Greg: I wish I could get it back.
Frances: And I wish murder were legal.
Greg: You don’t mean that.
Frances: Honestly, the only thing keeping me from doing it is the thought of my mugshot being slapped on the cover of Us Weekly!
Greg: I couldn’t be more sorry.
Frances: Sorry doesn’t mean anything! Not from you!
Greg: That’s cold.
Frances: What’s cold is that you lied right to my face and said you wouldn’t gamble again and then you blew half a million dollars! No words can save that. I’d sue you, but you have no money to sue for.
Greg: Sue?
Frances: Do you not know what a lawsuit is?
Greg: The way you’re talking, it’s like you think I’m some simpleton. Like you have no respect for me.
Frances: Why would I have respect for you? You have none for me! You stole from me! You took away my life savings! You’ve ruined my life! I wish I never married you. I can never trust another person again after what you’ve done.
Greg: I don’t know what to say.
Frances: Don’t “say” anything. Do something. Get out of my house. I want it to myself while I’ve still got it.
Greg: I’m available to talk whenever you’re in a better place.
Frances: You’re not talking your way out of this one. Not this time.
Greg: I really am sorry.
Frances: So am I. In a very different way.
Greg leaves, while Frances falls back into her seat and cries and her phone rings.
Frances: No! I’m not doing this!
The answering machine picks up the call.
Yvonne: Frances, call me back. I know we just spoke, but I have news.
Frances: Another day, Yvonne. Another day.
The next day, at work…
DeAnna: Oh, Frances, someone’s here early!
Frances: Not in the mood.
DeAnna: That attitude’s no fun!
Frances: I’m warning you, Clifton, back off!
DeAnna: Come on, this is what we do!
Frances: I’ve had a bad day.
DeAnna: You can tell!
Frances: It’s really not your fault at all, but I also just generally don’t like you, so I have no qualms about taking it out own you.
DeAnna: At least you’re honest.
Frances: I’ll never pass up an opportunity to tell you how much I dislike you.
Lauren: DeAnna! You’re wanted in hair and makeup!
Frances: Yeah, you should probably get to that, there’s a lot of work yet to be done.
DeAnna: Right back at you!
Frances: The difference is, I’m not delusional enough to think I look good!
Frances walks onto the set.
Marcia: Ah, look who’s finally arrived.
Charlotte: Frances, Louise and Jimmy called! They haven’t heard from you in the last day, they said you’re ignoring their texts. They’re worried about you. Is everything all right?
Marcia: I can attest to the fact that, no, everything is not all right.
Frances: I don’t want to talk about it.
Charlotte: You are early today, though, so that’s good. Have you been crying?
Frances: Why would you ask such a silly question?
Charlotte: I work in television, I take notice to appearances. Your eyes are red and puffy. Something isn’t right.
Marcia: Frances, I can tell her if you need me to.
Charlotte: Yes, someone tell me something. I can’t stand to be kept in the dark!
Frances: I need advice on whether or not to divorce my husband.
Charlotte: Oh boy. I’m calling Dana, she’s been divorced.
Frances: No! No one else needs to know!
Charlotte: Your brother and sister-in-law probably do. At the very least, let them know you didn’t die.
Marcia: Yeah, you are at an age where it can happen during sleep.
Frances: You act like I turned eighty! I’m fifty-five!
Marcia: That’s AARP age!
Frances: You are not making me feel any better.
Marcia: What did actually happen, though? I hope this doesn’t upset you, but Greg is crashing at my house. And he refused to tell me anything.
Frances: For good reason, he doesn’t come off very well.
Charlotte: I assume this has to deal with the previous issue.
Frances: It absolutely does.
Charlotte: Frances, I’m so sorry.
Marcia: So he was gambling again? Bad enough to kick him back out and convince him it was really over?
Frances: I guess he really is keeping you in the dark.
Marcia: Like I said, he refuses to elaborate.
Charlotte: Did he cheat? Is that why he was gambling, is the mistress a gambler?
Frances: I wish he cheated! I’d still have money in my bank account if he did!
Marcia: What?
Charlotte: He cleared out your bank account?
Frances: I don’t like to talk finances, but he blew half a million dollars. Between my house, and my business investments, and my restaurants, I apparently only had roughly $700,000 in liquid assets in my account. I get paid on an annual basis, that’s how my contract was written, and I get paid in September. My money’ll run out by then. My mortgage is too high, my car payments too. I have to sell my home.
Marcia: How do I have more money than you?
Charlotte: You don’t have a thieving husband.
Marcia: You don’t live with me. You don’t see him stealing MY Twinkies from the pantry.
Charlotte: That’s a bit different, Marcia.
Marcia: I don’t see how.
Charlotte: Half a million, a Twinkie, boy they sure are similar.
Marcia: I’m adding humor to a humorless, horrifying situation!
Frances: I appreciate it. I know I don’t seem like I do, but I do.
Marcia: And, Frances, I really am sorry my brother is such an idiot.
Frances: I know! Marcia, I’d never let him jeopardize our friendship! You had no knowledge of it. If you did, I’d have known immediately. You can’t keep a secret!
Marcia: I can so!
Charlotte: My god, Louise is calling again!
Marcia: I didn’t realize she cared so much!
Charlotte: Jimmy cares. Louise is just the one that has my phone number as a contact.
Marcia: Ah, yeah, Jimmy doesn’t know how to add a contact.
Frances: Give me the phone, I’ll tell them what’s going on.
Charlotte: Are you sure? I could tell them, to spare you the pain of having to retell this story over and over and over again.
Frances: Nah, I think they should hear it from me that my husband is a dirty, rotten, lying, manipulative scumbag that’s going to hell. Sorry, Marcia.
Marcia: No apologies necessary. Men ain’t shit.
Frances: Exactly.
Charlotte hands Frances her phone and she answers and steps away to her office.
Louise: Finally, you answered! Did Frances ever show?
Frances: Yes, she did!
Louise: Oh, my god! Jimmy was worried sick, which got me worried sick, because if anything happened to you, he’d be a wreck. You two are too close - too codependent - ever since we moved out here.
Frances: I’m fine, by the way.
Louise: Why didn’t you answer our calls then?
Frances: Is Jimmy there?
Louise: Are you making me hand the phone over? You think that little of me?
Frances: No, I just want you to put me on speakerphone.
Louise: Oh boy, something’s wrong.
Frances: Yes, but also, no.
Louise: Color me confused. Jimmy!
Jimmy: Did you get ahold of her?
Louise: Yes, something is apparently wrong.
Jimmy: Is she healthy?
Louise: Are you healthy?
Frances: I’m fine. I just wanted to tell you that I have not been in the mood to speak because Greg and I are splitting up. For good this time.
Jimmy: Oh may god, why?
Frances: He’s gambling again, he blew half a million dollars. That’s enough. I can’t keep being lied to and deceived.
Louise: That rat!
Jimmy: I should give him a piece of my mind!
Louise: I can’t believe I welcomed that man into our homes, I sat at a dinner table with him for years! Someone that dirty and sneaky! I feel like a fool for believing in his lies!
Frances: Yes, Louise, it’s all about you. Not the woman that married him, but you, the sister-in-law.
Louise: Look this is a shock to all of us.
Jimmy: Maybe more to her.
Louise: She’s had time to process it!
Jimmy: Oh my god, get real!
Frances: Thank you!
Meanwhile, back on the main set.
Jane: Where’s Frances, did I beat her here again? And why do you all look sad?
Charlotte: Frances, she’s splitting up from Greg.
Jane: Oh my god! Why? They were perfect together!
Marcia: I mean, there were warning signs. He just did the same thing that caused their last split, but a hundred times worse.
Jane: He got fired a hundred times?
Marcia: No, he gambled away $500,000.
Jane: Oh my god, I didn’t even know they made that much money!
Charlotte: You… what?
Dana: Ladies, is there a problem here? Once again, no filming is going on on what is supposed to be a filming day! Where’s the star?
Charlotte: Personal matter. I’m not allowed to tell you.
Jane: Frances and her husband Greg are splitting up, he’s a thief!
Dana: Oh, that’s awful! Tell her to get to work, I’m not putting her on repeats because her husband’s in jail or whatever.
Charlotte: On the one hand, no one else was supposed to know. On the other, Dana seems to care so little that it’s like no one told her at all.
Frances returns to the set.
Jane: Oh, Frances! Give me a hug, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! You’re so strong, you’ll get through this no problem!
Frances: Can someone get her off of me?
Jane: I’m just trying to help.
Frances: I so appreciate it, too! This is just… a lot.
Marcia: She’s not a hugger, either.
Frances: That’s true. Now, ladies, I need help figuring something out.
Marcia: What?
Frances: I don’t know if I should divorce him.
Charlotte: Oh, come on! File it now. Show him who’s boss!
Marcia: Look, I love my brother, but you can’t trust him with your finances. I assume you don’t want to be a bum with no money for the rest of your life. If you’re going to rebuild your bank account, you can’t stay married and let him have access to your funds.
Frances: it’s just, you know, I don’t want to be some lonely old spinster that’s lonely and divorced. I never envision myself being divorced.
Charlotte: I don’t think anyone does. But it happens, and it’s okay.
Frances: I know, it’s just hard. There’s a comfortability in being married.
Marcia: Only if it’s to the right person. You have to make the right decision for yourself.
Jane: Don’t rush it!
Marcia: See, Fran! Jane’s saying you shouldn’t divorce him immediately, you know what you have to do!
Later that night, Frances calls Yvonne back.
Frances: Yvonne, I’m sorry I didn’t call you back last night. I just needed time to process things. I wasn’t in the mood for what I’m sure is even more bad news.
Yvonne: I actually have good news!
Frances: You?
Yvonne: I know! So, I was looking at your financial portfolio, and I realized that you have a separate bank account as well, which your annual salary goes into.
Frances: You didn’t know that?
Yvonne: Look, I have many clients, I’m a very busy woman. Anyway, you still have Almost two million in that account. You don’t need to sell your house. You’ve incurred a major financial loss, and I do have sympathy for that of course, but this should ease your mind a bit.
Frances: That is great, but it doesn’t change my mind. I’m divorcing him. This is too much to bear, even if, thanks to your oversight, I do actually still have money to my name.
Yvonne: Well, damn!
Frances: Damn is right. Damn him!
There’s a knock at Marcia’s door.
Greg: I’ll get it!
Greg opens the door.
Man: Greg Conner, you’ve been served.
Marcia: Good for her!
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
