February, 2022. Gretchen, her team, and Providence businessman Ernest LaCard are waiting to meet with MLB Commissioner Jack Andress.
Gretchen: Can I ask a question?
Susana: Any time.
Gretchen: I don’t know much about sports.
Carol: We saw that back when you nearly fumbled the deal to keep the MiLB Blue Hawks playing in Providence.
Gretchen: That was not my fault! I negotiated perfectly!
Carol: That’s not how I remember it.
Gretchen: Hank and Jeanne were being difficult in order to sabotage me. I still won in the end!
Susana: Does it really matter? You saved the Blue Hawks in the end, and we’ll secure our MLB team now.
Ernest: Well, it won’t be easy. There hasn’t been an expansion since 1998, and I don’t think Rhode Island is the obvious choice for a new sports team. There’s major competition.
Gretchen: I think it is! We’re a great sports state. We get no major league sports, so we go all-out on supporting on minor league teams. Imagine the passion for a professional, major league team!
Carol: I have my doubts this will be approved. I mean, we’re less than an hour away from Boston, they quite famously have the Red Sox.
Gretchen: But Rhode Island has a plan to welcome this league and create something special!
Samantha: Besides, if New York, LA and Chicago can all have two teams, why can’t the Sox and a Providence team coexist?
Gretchen: And Baltimore and DC are the same distance away from one another! It’s no reason to deny us.
Carol: Don’t try to convince me, I support it. You just gotta convince them!
Susana: And if this doesn’t work, we could always settle for getting a WNBA team.
Gretchen: Why does Connecticut get a pro sports team, but we don’t? It’s not right, it’s never been right, it never will be right.
Ernest: Thankfully, Governor Raymond has worked so well with us to provide an economic plan and make it clear to the league that this state is serious about getting in the business of baseball.
Gretchen: I mean, you being a billionaire and offering to shell out a good chunk of your net worth on a baseball team certainly helps. We’re just a small fraction of the cost.
Ernest: The state of Rhode Island is covering 5% of the expansion fee, and in turn, will own 5% of the team. That’s a lot of money, too! You are making a difference.
Carol: Yeah, taxpayers are gonna looooooove that.
Gretchen: This team is going to mean a lot to this state, it’s a price point that’s clearly worth it. It’ll pay for itself!
Ernest: Well… we hope.
Gretchen: I was told it was slam dunk.
Ernest: We expect it to be in the end! We just have to set realistic goals, though, it could be slow-going at first. The team won’t be great from the start!
Gretchen: I believe we’ll defy the odds, the Providence Pitchers will win the World Series by 2027.
Ernest: It’ll take years for the team to debut, even if we do get approval.
Carol: Also, the Providence Pitchers?
Gretchen: It’s alliterative, and it ties into both baseball and one of Rhode Island’s greatest contribution to society: Del’s Lemonade.
Ernest: We’re still working out names.
Gretchen: Rhode Island Reds!
Carol: That’s a little close to the Sox, no?
Ernesto: Also, that’s the name of Cincinnati’s team.
Gretchen: But that’s what we call our chickens!
Ernest: Did we want to name ourselves after chickens, anyway?
Gretchen: I think it’d be great! How about the Rhode Island Robins?
Ernest: I don’t love it, but that’s not taken.
Susana: Providence Puffins!
Ernest: Oh, that’s good!
Gretchen: We don’t have puffins in Rhode Island. That’s Maine.
Susana: That’s close enough!
Carol: How about the Rhode Island Rhinos?
Ernest: Ladies, I think we need to stop thinking up names for now, it’s a distraction, and it gets out hopes up a bit too much. We have to realize that even though we’ve gotten this far, and the league did seem impressed with our expansion proposal, we still face long odds. Our fate is in the hands of the owners, and they’ve got other proposals to consider, too.
Gretchen: Who could put a better pitch together than us?
Ernest: San Antonio, Charlotte, Nashville, New Orleans, Oklahoma City, Salt Lake City, even Iowa is pushing hard for it with their whole ‘Field of Dreams’ connection.
Carol: Iowa Dreamers, that’d be a fun pick!
Gretchen: And we’ll beat them all.
Carol: All are more populous than Providence, just saying.
Susana: Is Salt Lake City known for their enjoyment of baseball?
Gretchen: They’re not exactly where I’d expect a basketball team called the Jazz to play either, but that’s the reality. So I can’t rule them out!
Assistant: Folks, Commissioner Andress will see you now.
Gretchen: Here we go, ladies. And Ernest!
Ernest: I was afraid you were going to forget me!
Gretchen: Look at that giant hat you’ve got on, I could never forget you!
In the commissioner’s office…
Jack: Governor Raymond, Mr. LaCard, thank you for coming all the way to New York to visit me.
Gretchen: I have a sort of ongoing feud with this city, so I only ever come for very special occasions.
Carol: Gretchen! Reel it in.
Gretchen: Sorry, I love New York, beautiful city.
Jack: I’m not a native, so trash it all you want, it’s fine.
Carol: Really, though, do not.
Ernest: I’m assuming you’ve made the call on what expansion proposals you’re going with, I’m very nervous.
Jack: Oh, no need to be nervous!
Gretchen: So we got it?
Jack: I didn’t say that, don’t run too far ahead of me! No, I just don’t want this decision to weigh too heavily on you. There will be other chances.
Gretchen: Oh, he’s letting us down gently.
Jack: Look, it’s a big league, we have a lot of desires to fulfill in search of our next two teams. A lot of the league’s owners were looking to expand to a very large market, with untapped potential. It’s ultimately healthiest to everyone’s bottom line when we expand to markets where there’s money to be made.
Gretchen: That sounds… bad.
Jack: For that reason, we’ve informed Charlotte that we are granting them their own expansion team.
Ernest: Well, that’s it for us, I guess. We can’t compete with Charlotte.
Jack: However -
Gretchen: Oh, I love that word!
Jack: Other team owners felt it was important to reach out to under-served markets, places where their new team will be THE signature attraction in the world of sports. These are markets that draw in passionate, dedicated fans that truly cherish their team. Of the markets that fit that description, we felt Providence had the best financial plan, and was the most prepared. And that is why I’m happy to inform you that Providence will be one of the MLB’s next teams.
Gretchen: Oh my god, we did it!
Ernest: Thank you, commissioner.
Jack: Thank you! We’re very excited by this bid, and so grateful that the Rhode Island government is supporting it so vigorously.
Gretchen: I love my state, I’ll do anything to keep it prosperous.
Ernest: I owe this to you, really. I want you to throw out the first pitch at the first-ever Providence Oysters game.
Gretchen: Oh, I’d love to!
Carol: Providence Oysters? Are we married to that name?
Present day, March 2025…
Carol: Gretchen, MLB season starts in four days!
Gretchen: Why are you telling me this? Like I care about baseball.
Sarita: Oh, I love the MLB! Go Sox! I’m going to their game on opening day!
Carol: No, you are not!
Sarita: Excuse me? I paid good money for those tickets for me and my parents!
Carol: I know you’re from Massachusetts, but we have Rhode Island business to tend to.
Sarita: Such as…?
Samantha: Happy Providence Oysters Day to all who celebrate!
Carol: Such as that.
Sarita: What the hell is a Providence Oyster?
Carol: Our new MLB team! Oh my god, are Pratt and I the only one that know?
Gretchen: I don’t really follow baseball. It’s too slow for me, I need a fast-moving sport to keep my interest, like basketball or tennis or anything else they can broadcast in one-hour blocks during the Olympics.
Carol: This is major news in the state.
Gretchen: I don’t watch the local news, they’re too mean to me.
Carol: It’s national news!
Gretchen: I haven’t watched the Today show since Hoda left.
Sarita: Savannah and Craig didn’t talk about it, anyway.
Samantha: Al mentioned it! He mentioned that, if Providence is in your neck of the woods, you better bundle up for our new team’s opening game!
Gretchen: I do remember negotiating for this team to come together, now that you mention it.
Carol: It was major national news, yes.
Gretchen: It’s been so long, I thought the plans just fell through.
Carol: How long do you think it takes to build a ballpark and debut a new team?
Gretchen: Not quite as long as this took, really. Look, a lot has happened in the last few years, it’s easy for me to forget some of my achievements.
Jeanne: Achievements? You don’t have any achievements!
Gretchen: Oh, really? It’s entirely because of me that we’re celebrating the opening day of the new Providence something-or-others, the MLB’s newest team!
Carol: Providence Oysters!
Gretchen: That’s an awful name.
Carol: Please don’t say that tonight.
Gretchen: Why, what’s tonight?
Carol: You’re throwing out the first pitch!
Gretchen: Like hell I am! I don’t know the first thing about baseball!
Carol: You agreed to it three years ago!
Gretchen: I have no such recollection.
Carol: You did, and you now have an obligation to fulfill.
Gretchen: I’d disagree with that.
Sarita: Why do I have to go?
Carol: The leaders of the Rhode Island government are all going to cheer on the team. You’re the special assistant to the governor, you’re going.
Sarita: Would anyone notice or care if I went to the Sox game instead?
Carol: They’d notice you going to a rival team game over our first-ever game, absolutely.
Sarita: Rival? They haven’t played one game and they’ve got a rival?
Carol: Regional rivalries are very real!
Sarita: This team’s gonna flame out fast.
Samantha: This is a huge event, kid. You guys and Gretchen are going, I’m going, Jeanne’s going, Mary’s going, Senators Meyerson and Montacore are going. No one with half a brain would want to miss this!
Gretchen: I’m very proud to be getting a team, I did think the sun had set on that, but I don’t really find sporting events “fun.”
Carol: This is a critical part of your legacy, just go and take it all in. They’ll see you as a hero in that stadium.
Gretchen: Okay, can I admit something embarrassing?
Samantha: Please do!
Gretchen: She’s gotta go first.
Samantha: Why?
Gretchen: You’ll spread it like wildfire around this building!
Samantha: I would not!
Carol: You have before.
Samantha: But I won’t this time! We’re friends.
Gretchen: Okay, fine, it’s not THAT bad. When I was in middle school, I was on the girl’s softball team.
Carol: You were? You’re not exactly sporty.
Gretchen: Exactly. I was a pitcher, not a bad one, but certainly not a generational talent. I was no, uh, you know… I can’t name a famous softball player. I’m sure there is one, I was not as good as her. Anyway, first game of the season against our major rivals, the Woonsocket Whales, and I pitch the ball into my own head.
Carol: You what?
Sarita: How does one do that?
Gretchen: I don’t know, it just happened so fast! One minute, I’m pulling my arm back with the ball in my hand, the next, I feel it crash into the back of my head. I fell to the ground, I gave thyself a concussion, and coach had to forfeit the game to get me to the hospital, because my mother refused to take me herself and the only medical supervision we had on the team was our chain-smoking nurse. She didn’t know anything!
Sarita: Did you go to school at a real place?
Gretchen: Sadly, yes.
Carol: So you don’t know how to pitch?
Gretchen: Not well! I haven’t picked up a baseball or a softball in forty years.
Carol: It can’t be that hard to do a ceremonial first pitch. I mean, other politicians do it, actors do it, singers do it, athletes from other sports do it. I saw a figure skater do a triple axel before she threw a perfect pitch.
Gretchen: I just don’t want to look foolish.
Samantha: This conversation’s been fairly foolish, if I’m being honest.
Gretchen: See, this is why I didn’t want to say it while you were here. You call yourself my friend, but there’s still a little judgment in there.
Sarita: The ceremonial first pitch is really not a big deal. If you mess it up, people won’t really care.
Gretchen: What if I throw it into my own head again? Or if it veers off to the side and goes nowhere near the batter? They still make fun of 50 Cent for his first pitch!
Carol: You will be fine. Just to be safe, though, we can practice.
Gretchen: Practice?
Carol: We barely have real jobs.
Samantha: I flat-out do not have a real job. What does a lieutenant governor do? I’ve done it six years now, I still don’t know.
Carol: That feels like a Pratt problem. Anyway, I can go home and grab a baseball and a bat and we can teach you how to pitch.
Samantha: I have a ball and a bat in my office, we can practice with that.
Carol: Why would you have a baseball and a bat in your office?
Samantha: I’m going to the game after this, I want to get them signed by the team.
Sarita: Who on the team is worth getting an autograph from? This team is ass!
Samantha: You didn’t even know we had a team five minutes ago!
Sarita: I looked it up, and, oof.
Carol: It’s an expansion team, we’ll get better.
Gretchen: Are we sure you ladies are my best possible teachers here? I’ve never heard anything about any of you playing sports.
Carol: That felt like a personal attack.
Gretchen: I just want to be properly prepared.
Samantha: I assure you, I at least am very well-verse in proper pitching technique.
Gretchen: I am so screwed.
Later that day…
Lucinda: What are you wearing?
Gretchen: It’s opening day of the Providence Oysters’ inaugural season!
Anthony: I think you look great! Very sporty!
Lucinda: She’s not sporty, though. If she were a Spice Girl, she’d be Scary.
Gretchen: Thanks mom, very sweet.
Lucinda: You seem like you’re in a real rush today.
Gretchen: Yeah, I have to go somewhere.
Lucinda: In that?
Anthony: It’s nice to rep our new team, the whole state’s very excited about this debut. They’ve been building that stadium for years.
Lucinda: I still think the whole thing’s disgusting, we’re turning our backs on the Sox. Not me, though! I’ll always cheer on Boston. This is an illegitimate sports team, far as I’m concerned. Someone paid someone off.
Gretchen: You are free to feel however you’d like about our team, but I’m the governor, and I’m going to support them. Plus, I’ve been asked to throw out the first pitch!
Lucinda: Oh my god, that’s a joke! You made a fool out of our entire family the one and only time you were ever allowed to pitch back on your school team.
Gretchen: We don’t have to talk about that.
Toby: I’ve never heard this story.
Anthony: Me either!
Gretchen: It’s not worth discussing.
Anthony: We’ll circle back to this.
Gretchen: We will not.
Anthony: Well, I wish I could be there for the game, and for your first pitch, but I have a dinner with my boss.
Gretchen: It’s fine, I’m gonna embarrass myself anyway.
Lucinda: So it’s a day ending in Y?
Anthony: Stop.
Lucinda: I’m just getting started!
Gretchen: I practiced my pitch with Carol, and Massachusetts, and Pratt. I believe I did well enough to get through this saga without embarrassing myself.
Lucinda: You better. I don’t want to have to disown you for being bad at sports.
Gretchen: You’ve already disowned me in the past for being bad at politics.
Lucinda: Yeah, but I’m old, I don’t want to go with a memory like that.
Gretchen: You are so overdramatic, you’re gonna outlive all of us.
Anthony: Evil never dies.
Later that night, at the ballpark…
Announcer: Please welcome, throwing out the first-ever first pitch for your Providence Oysters, the 76th governor of the state of Rhode Island, the woman who fought to make this team possible, Gretchen Raymond!
Jeanne: She looks lost.
Samantha: She’s not too good at sports. You know, as a kid -
Carol: Pratt, you promised!
Samantha: Ugh, fine.
Mary: She hit herself in the back of the head while trying to pitch.
Carol: I didn’t realize you knew!
Jeanne: That’s hilarious!
Carol: Massachusetts, why are you looking at your phone?
Sarita: I’m watching a stream of the Sox game!
Mary: Well, her name is Massachusetts, after all.
Sarita: It’s really not my name, per se.
Jeanne: Oh, she’s going. Game’s about to start, team’s watching you, so are viewers at home, it’s do or die, Raymond.
Carol: She’s not trying to score the winning goal at the Super Bowl with five seconds on the clock, she’s throwing a pitch at a baseball game only being broadcast on regional TV and, maybe, ESPN+.
Mary: No, we’re not nearly good or popular enough to even stream on there.
Carol: Oh, she did it!
Sarita: I mean, it didn’t quite make the bat, and she is crying a little, but she did throw it, and she didn’t hurt anybody. I’d call that a win.
The next morning…
Anthony: So, how’d the game go?
Lucinda: The Oysters got blown out, 14-0.
Toby: That has to be a record, no?
Lucinda: Somehow not, but it wasn’t their fault anyway. Gretchen throwing out the first pitch doomed them from the start.
Anthony: That’s unfair and rude.
Lucinda: It’s very fair, and sometimes the truth hurts.
Gretchen: I thought you hated the Oysters anyway.
Lucinda: I’ve come around on them, now that I have the chance to blame you for them being terrible.
Anthony: Really what I meant is, how’d your first pitch go.
Gretchen: We avoided disaster. No injuries, it didn’t fly out of the stadium, it didn’t drop right in front of my feet or go in the wrong direction. I’d call it a success, in all.
Lucinda: I’d beg to differe.
Gretchen: You’d always beg to differ.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
