The family is sitting around the dinner table.
Teri: Did you all hear the big news today? One of the ladies at work told me.
Jerry: You gotta be less vague when you ask questions like that. At least give us a hint of what the news is about.
Teri: It’s about TV.
Frank: Matlock’s back tonight! I heard already!
Teri: Usually, I’d mock you and call you an idiot, but I love Matlock, so I can’t drag you too much. But, no. They’re making a new Real Housewives, and it’s set right in Richmond!
Cindy: That’s not as exciting as I thought it was going to be.
Velma: I prefer Below Deck.
Danielle: All those reality shows are so trashy.
Teri: Come on, where’s your hometown spirit?
Steven: Richmond isn’t our hometown.
Jerry: Richmond’s a crime-ridden hellhole.
Ralph: You think that about any city with more than eight people living in it.
Jerry: Just the Democrat ones.
Ralph: It must be so exhausting to go through life thinking like that.
Tammi: I love the Housewives! OC, Beverly Hills, Potomac, Atlanta, Salt Lake City, formerly New York…
Jerry: There’s a Housewives of Potomac? Why on earth are they doing one in Richmond now then?
Betty: Richmond is a city with its own distinct flavor! Just because they’ve got another show set a hundred miles away doesn’t mean they can’t honor the Greater Richmond Region with its own show!
Ralph: Wow, mom really goes hard for Richmond.
Betty: This is my home, I’m overjoyed that one of my favorite TV franchises is coming here to help put us on the map.
Tammi: Does Richmond need to be put on the map? I think people are already aware it exists.
Betty: They don’t know about the culture, they don’t know about the fascinating people that make up the city. This is our chance to shine!
Steven: Again, we don’t live in Richmond.
Betty: We’re close enough! And aren’t you supposed to be helping your wife move in?
Alysa: I don’t have much to move in. I’m still keeping my room at my mom’s house, just in case.
Tammi: In case of what?
Alysa: In case there’s not enough room here for us.
Tammi: Why would there not be enough room? It’s a huge house! Plenty of room for two people.
Betty: No grandson of mine will be living in the home of Anita DeFleur, I’ll tell you that much.
Teri: Mom, you and Anita should be Real Housewives of Richmond!
Betty: Wow, you’re right! What a storyline we could have!
Ralph: The mother and great-grandmother of two teen parents feuding like they’re the Hatfields and the McCoys. That seems more like a storyline for the Real Housewives of Mobile.
Betty: Are you calling us hicks?
Ralph: That would be rude. But sometimes, rudeness fits.
Alysa: You should go to the casting call!
Betty: Casting call?
Teri: Kid, I was only kidding.
Alysa: I’m not! Bravo posted the casting call on their website, they’re looking for housewives to come and try out. It’s next weekend.
Steven: Are you a Bravo fan?
Alysa: A superfan!
Teri: You don’t even know what shows she watches?
Jerry: clearly, watching shows together was not their #1 priority, hence how we got into this… situation.
Cindy: Listen, this was all god’s plan.
Alysa: It doesn’t feel like God’s plan when I’m puking my guts out.
Betty: This is perfect. I can go to the casting call, show off my personality, and get famous.
Jerry: Just what this family needs!
Ralph: Aren’t housewives supposed to be rich? And.. under seventy?
Alysa: Yeah, the New York housewives gave poor Alex McCord so much flak for living in Brooklyn and not in swanky Manhattan.
Betty: First off, we live in a beautiful mansion, unlike Alex McCord and Simon. Second, it’s Richmond, not New York, not Beverly Hills. These housewives don’t need to be filthy rich, we can be everyday people.
Teri: Andy Cohen’s gonna love that. That spot’s yours if you want it.
Betty: Thank you! I agree.
Teri: Oh, I do not. I was being sarcastic.
Betty: Sarcasm or not, I believe in myself. I’ll get hired, I have the goods.
Velma: She is very entertaining.
Cindy: Don’t fan the flames!
Alysa: I feel like I’m partly to blame for this.
Cindy: You are, but you’re young and pregnant, so we won’t drag on you too much.
Alysa: I appreciate that.
Teri: All right, I’m gonna clean up.
Betty pushes on the table.
Teri: What was that for
Betty: I’m rehearsing for my Housewives audition!
Karl: By trying to knock the dishes onto the floor?
Betty: It’s what Teresa Giudice would do!
Alysa: I don’t think she’s someone to aspire to be.
Betty: I won’t be lectured by my pregnant seventeen year-old granddaughter-in-law.
Alysa: She just dragged me like a Housewife! I don’t like this version of her!
Betty: And I don’t like your mother.
Teri: Mom, stop bullying our family.
Betty: And Frank -
Frank: Oh no.
Betty: You don’t even belong in this family!
Tammi: Grandma!
Betty: No one likes you, no one respects you, no one wants you here!
Frank: I’m only sitting by and accepting that because I know this is all fake and not what you really feel. Just like the Housewives.
Betty: Nope, this is what I’ve been holding in.
Karl: Don’t listen to her, she really does secretly like you.
Frank: I believe you. For my own sanity, I have to believe you.
Teri: Mom, can we just dial back the dramatics?
Betty: I can’t! I have to stay in the zone!
Cindy: This is gonna be rough.
Ralph: It’s mom we’re talking about, she’ll forget about this by Tuesday.
Jerry: That’s generous. She’ll get distracted by something else any tomorrow.
The next day…
Anita: Betty! What, have you come to rub it in that you and your ilk have stolen my daughter from me?
Betty: We didn’t steal her. She moved in, because she got married.
Anita: I know, I gave her permission to do it. That doesn’t mean I’m happy about it! She’s seventeen!
Betty: That’s not what I’m here about, though.
Anita: Have you seen her lately, though? Is she good? Is she eating? Is she healthy? Has she lost weight?
Betty: First, she’s pregnant, so… no, she’s not lost weight. Second, you saw her yesterday, which I know, because she told me.
Anita: So it’s not about Alysa. Why are you actually here?
Betty: Did you hear the news about The Real Housewives of Richmond?
Anita: The what?
Betty: Bravo’s making a new Real Housewives series set in Richmond.
Anita: You came to my house, in the middle of the day, and disturbed my peace to tell me about a new TV show on Bravo? Are you mentally sound?
Betty: Anita, this is our chance!
Anita: Our chance for what?
Betty: This feud of ours, we can finally make good use of it! We can get on TV!
Anita: TV? Who would want to watch us on TV?
Betty: People love this kinda stuff! Petty, ridiculous feuds that cause iconic fights and meme-worthy TV moments!
Anita: Are you speaking English right now?
Betty: This is what Bravo specializes in!
Anita: I wouldn’t know, I don’t watch it. I have some self-respect, I don’t watch reality trash.
Betty: It’s not trash! Bravo is a gift to viewers everywhere!
Anita: Viewers with sad lives who are entertained by the misery of others.
Betty: Anita, you don’t have to like it. You just have to be on it! You and I, we have a built-in storyline!
Anita: I don’t really need our business aired out on national television.
Betty: If Countess Luann could get engaged to a cheater, feud for an entire season with Bethenny for telling her he was a cheater, marry him, then divorce him and get arrested for disorderly conduct and go to AA because of it, all on national TV, then we can air our little feud out.
Anita: I don’t know who Countess Luann is, but I would advise her to seek professional help and get off of TV.
Betty: She’s off the show now, and it’s horrible. We need her back. Bravo needs fun back! We can bring fun back! You and me!
Anita: I’ll tell you, I’m not having fun right now!
Betty: Keep that energy for the audition!
Anita: I’m not auditioning for anything!
Betty: That’s the spirit, really lay into me! Drag me!
Anita: If I say I’ll audition with you, will you leave me alone today?
Betty: Yes!
Anita: Have Alysa text me the details of the audition. See you, unfortunately, at a later junction. Bye!
Three days later…
Velma: You assured us that this obsession would end by Tuesday.
Ralph: I underestimated her persistence.
Karl: It’s becoming a problem. For example, we had to rush a family meeting while she showers because if she finds out what we’re doing, she will get violent.
Teri: She won’t get violent.
Karl: She’ll at least throw a glass.
Cindy: She’s blown through all of the expensive dishes this week. My wedding set from 1989… swept into the dustbin of history.
Frank: I mean, thirty-five years is a good run for a set of dishes.
Cindy: They were barely ever used! And she three them for dramatic effect!
Danielle: That’s no worse than her deciding she’s recording a single because “that’s what the Countess would do.”
Teri: Recording a terrible single is a classic Housewives move, I understand why she’s preparing.
Mitchell: Can we at least stop with the repeating what we all just said in an exaggerated voice?
Velma: Can we at least stop with the repeating what we all just said in an exaggerated voice?
Mitchell: Very funny.
Velma: Very funny.
Mitchell: Stop!
Velma: Stop!
Karl: Both of you… stop.
Velma: Got it, sorry Karl.
Tammi: She’s drinking a lot more, too.
Karl: And she went on a thousand-dollar spending spree for new dresses.
Teri: A thousand dollars, that’s adorable. That’s how much one of the real Real Housewives spends on a headband, not a collection of dresses.
Karl: She claims once she has “Bravo money,” she’ll splurge even more.
Steven: She’s scaring me a little.
Teri: We could always confront her. The Housewives are supposed to take it out on their horrible co-stars, not their family.
Alysa: Also, I think she’s forcing my mom to try to become one too. She’s sort of getting into the idea of being on TV. She asked me for permission to talk about my pregnancy on TV.
Ralph: Are you gonna be one of the Teen Moms?
Alysa: The what?
Ralph: Wow, she’s too young to know about Teen Mom. That hurts.
Teri: We have to stop this fantasy before it gets dangerous.
Jerry: Counterpoint: I don’t want her to attack us.
Teri: Jerry ,you were in the Army!
Jerry: I’ll take deployment to Iraq before I risk angering Betty Bellwood.
Teri: Good god.
Thirty minutes later…
Teri: Mother!
Betty: What, bitch?
Teri: Mom, this is upsetting all of us, we live in pins and needles because you are acting like a mix of Kelly Bensimon, Vicki Gunvalson, and Brandi Glanville!
Betty: Those are my least-favorite Housewives ever and you know that damn well!
Teri: Yes, and you are acting as insane as all of them combined!
Alysa: We feel like we’re on Scary Island.
Velma: Again, I only watch Below Deck, they don’t have insane people to quite this level on there. It’s just, like, a boat. Like if Doctor Odyssey didn’t suck or have medical emergencies.
Betty: Am I really acting that bad? Scary Island bad?
Karl: You’ve let this obsession with being a housewife consume you, yes. It’s now consuming us, as well. Living in this house has been uncomfortable.
Steven: I got married less than a month ago, and my wife is already considering moving out, because this is a toxic environment.
Betty: You know what? Being compared to Kelly Bensimon and her jellybeans is all I need to drop this entirely. I’m sorry I’ve been so insane.
Teri: So you don’t want to be a Housewife anymore?
Betty: Oh, I still do. But I’m going to go in and be myself, not some composite of insane people I’ve seen on my TV. No more rehearsing, this house will return to normalcy.
Mitchell: Normalcy?
Betty: Our version of normalcy.
Teri: So, standard insanity. Good to hear!
Four days later…
Teri: Well, how’d it go?
Betty: They’re going in a different direction. I could blame all of you, and I really might, but for now, I’m saying Anita blew it for me. She was flat and monotone, it was like watch Wonder Woman act. Terrible!
Alysa: Yeah, she does lack rizz.
Betty: She lacks what?
Teri: Oh, I know this one! Rizz means charisma!
Betty: Yeah, she definitely does lack that. Blew it big time! At least I got to meet Andy Cohen.
Danielle: You’ll get it next time.
Teri: Yes, the next time they set a Bravo show in the Greater Richmond Region. That’ll be any day now!
Danielle: I was just trying to be positive.
Teri: I think if we've learned anything this week, it's that it's dangerous to indulgence fantasies.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
