Kathleen is packing suitcases into her car.
Kathleen: Pat, are you sure you’re okay with me leaving for the week? I won’t go if you aren’t ready to be alone in this house.
Patty Lynn Are you kddiing? You’re going to meet your great-grandbaby! I could never hold that up!
Kathleen: You’re sure you’re okay?
Patty Lynn: Why wouldn’t I be!
Kathleen: You’ve never been alone in this house before. This is a big step for you.
Patty Lynn: I’ll manage.
Kathleen: Okay, but please don’t get into any shenanigans like in Home Alone.
Patty Lynn: I make no promises. If people try to break in and rob the house, I may set up some booby traps to stop them. I am naturally curious and mischievous.
Kathleen: Just call the cops.
Patty Lynn: I don’t believe in relying on cops to solve simple problems.
Kathleen: A robbery is - why am I talking about this? No one’s going to get robbed.
Patty Lynn: Not with my quick thinking, they won’t!
Kathleen: Are you certain you’re fine?
Patty Lynn: Yes! In fact, it’s probably even better if you are gone for a bit, just to give us a bit of space. We see each other a lot, and we drive each other crazy.
Kathleen: You don’t drive me crazy! Most times.
Patty Lynn: Well, you drive me crazy, so get on out of here. See you in a week, enjoy the new tot.
Kathleen: Then I better hit the road and get to the airport. You know how long it takes me to get through security. Call me right away if anything’s wrong, or if you just need to talk, or -
Patty Lynn: Go! I’m fine!
Kathleen: All right, I’m off. Get me to God’s country!
Patty Lynn: And make it quick!
Two hours later…
Patty Lynn: All right, The View’s over. One hour until it’s an acceptable hour for lunch. What to do… maybe Marietta’s not busy! Yeah! That’s what I’ll do, call my loving daughter!
Patty Lynn pulls out her phone and calls Marietta.
Marietta: Mom, what’s going on?
Patty Lynn: Just bored. Home alone, not much to do, just wanted to check in with you.
Marietta: Home alone? Did you finally kill her?
Patty Lynn: No, her granddaughter had a baby last month, and with everything going on, she’s just now getting a chance to meet the little one. You should see all that she packed, the airline’s gonna charge her an arm and a leg!
Marietta: You’re home alone for multiple days? I thought she was at the store or something! Why did no one tell me?
Patty Lynn: We did, you’re just always so busy, it went in one ear and out the next.
Marietta: I have been swamped at work. So much to catch up on.
Patty Lynn: Am I keeping you from something?
Marietta: Um… no.
Tammy: Yes!
Marietta: If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. No worries.
Patty Lynn: I don’t feel right distracting you. I’ll see you… tonight?
Marietta: Tomorrow. I’ve got a long day of work today, I’m gonna want to hit the hay early.
Patty Lynn: Okay, then I’ll see you tomorrow.
Amy: Hey, tell your mom I got her and Kathleen those tickets for that drag show she asked about.
Marietta: Drag show? Why’d she need you to get them?
Amy: My cousin’s a drag queen, he’s working the show! Didn’t you know this?
Marietta: There is so much unexplored Amy lore.
Tammy: But that’s for another week!
Marietta: Mom, Amy said she got you and Kathleen those tickets for that drag show that you wanted.
Patty Lynn: Aww, tell her I said thank you! She’s such a doll!
Marietta: I didn’t even know you two ever even talked, how’d you set that one up?
Patty Lynn: She talked to me about her cousin when she came over for dinner, she said he did drag, I love drag queens, they’re very mother, as the youth says.
Marietta: Don’t say that.
Patty Lynn: You can come too, if you want!
Marietta: I get the full Applewhite Experience at work, I’m good.
Amy: Hey!
Marietta: Honesty is the best policy.
Patty Lynn: I’m going to let you get back to work. I know you’re very busy.
Marietta: Not… particularly. But I suppose I have to.
Tammy: You do.
Marietta: Boss says I do. See you tomorrow, mom.
Patty Lynn: See you then!
Patty Lynn hangs up.
Patty Lynn: You know what? I think it’s time for lunch, and I’m gonna treat myself!
Patty Lynn gets ready and heads out to a restaurant for lunch.
Patty Lynn: Moira!
Moira: Oh my goodness, Patty Lynn! Marissa, you know my mother-in-law!
Marissa: Of course I do, she’s a legend in this town.
Patty Lynn: Don’t you forget it!
Marissa: How are you doing?
Patty Lynn: Fine… why?
Marissa: I was so sorry to hear about your husband. You are the First Family of this city. New Orleans wouldn’t be the same without the Landfields.
Patty Lynn: That is so sweet of you. You’re always been wonderful to us, and to Marietta. You’ve always been a wonderful ally to her, even when it hasn’t always been the most popular position to take.
Marissa: She’s been an exemplary mayor and a real friend to me. I must say, I’m sad her presidential campaign’s ended, but our country’s loss is most certainly our city’s gain. Part of me is glad she’s sticking around, a steady hand to guide us is always a good thing.
Moira: Weren’t you first in line to become mayor if she resigned to become president?
Marissa: Yes, and I am not at all ready for that. Do you know how stressful it would be to succeed the woman who was such an excellent mayor, she turned the job into a pathway to the Oval Office?
Moira: I imagine quite stressful.
Marissa: Do you know where most mayors end up once they leave office?
Patty Lynn: I’ve known many of them personally! Several are in my family.
Moira: Hey, mine too!
Patty Lynn: Milton went to the Senate, Martin and Marty both went on to become governor, a bunch of the others went to jail…
Moira: So post-mayoral success is a Landfield-exclusive thing.
Patty Lynn: I think Evelyn Dreyer did well enough for herself, she’s working for the American Battle Monuments Commission.
Moira: Oh, don’t even get us started on pointless commissions, we’ve still got loads of Marietta’s commission appointees to get to, and Bethany Canadello -
Patty Lynn: Ugh! Can’t stand her.
Marissa: Yeah, we’re not fond of her either.
Moira: Thankfully, with better turnout, she’s toast in the next election.
Marissa: …in three years.
Moira: Lord almighty, grant me the strength.
Patty Lynn: So what brings you gals here?
Moira: We had to take a lunch break. Needed some time away from Bethany.
Marissa: She’s just awful.
Moira: What brings you here? And no Kathleen?
Patty Lynn: Oh, she’s out of town. I had to find something to do with my time, considering I spend most of my day annoying her. So here I am!
Moira: Well, you’re welcome to join us for lunch.
Patty Lynn: You’re too kind! I don’t want to intrude.
Marissa: Oh, you wouldn’t be intruding! We’d love to have a person to vent to!
Patty Lynn: I do love to gossip!
Marissa: Pull up a chair!
Later that night, Patty Lynn calls Sarah.
Patty Lynn: Kiddo! I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up, I’ve been out all day and I forgot my phone at home!
Sarah: You forgot your phone at home? And you didn’t go back for it?
Patty Lynn: Yes, astonishingly enough, some of us don’t need a phone attached to us at every second of the day.
Sarah: You are such a boomer!
Patty Lynn: Ha! I wish!
Sarah: Why would anyone ever wish to be a boomer?
Patty Lynn: Because then I’d be a good five years younger!
Sarah: I wasn’t calling about any emergency, so don’t feel too bad about it.
Patty Lynn: I don’t care, I still shouldn’t ever keep you waiting.
Sarah: It’s fine, really, I was just doing my coursework and studying for an exam on Monday.
Patty Lynn: Good for you, I’m so proud of you. I always knew you had it in you to be so successful at college and accomplish all of your dreams.
Sarah: Well, you might not be so proud of my now, because I was wondering if I could skip out one tomorrow’s family dinner. I got invited to a party and I think I should go. Some of my friends are going, too.
Patty Lynn: Honey, I’m your grandma, I’m never going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s my job to have fun with you and entertain you and bake you cookies. I’ll leave the parenting to your dad and Moira.
Sarah: It’s not that I don’t want to come! I just want to go to that party so I can fit in at college.
Patty Lynn: And I think that’s wonderful. Don’t you dare feel bad about it. There’ll be other dinners. Just, no excessive drinking at this one!
Sarah: No, I’m never drinking again after last time!
Patty Lynn: Don’t lie to me, Sarah. I wasn’t born yesterday!
Sarah: You’re sounding like dad now.
Patty Lynn: Sorry, I just worry about you. Don’t ever waste your potential.
Sarah: I know, I won’t. I made that mistake once, I’m careful now. I never drink and drive, I never drink more than one drink.
Patty Lynn: Good. Keep it that way. It’s fine in moderation, but don’t ever allow it to become a problem.
Sarah: So what were you doing out all day?
Patty Lynn: Nothing interesting, just chatting with Moira and Marissa for a while. I kept them from work, but they didn’t mind.
Sarah: Oh, where’d you see them?
Patty Lynn: I ran into them at lunch!
Sarah: You went to lunch? Your whole thing is about how restaurants are a scam because no one cooks as good as you!
Patty Lynn: I know, but I’m home alone and I figured I might as well get out of the house for a bit, do something I never usually do.
Sarah: You’re home alone? Where’s aunt Kathleen?
Patty Lynn: We’re not attacked at the hip, you know!
Sarah: Thank god, you’d kill each other if you were.
Patty Lynn: I would never kill another person. Except, perhaps, for her, yes.
Sarah: But where is she now?
Patty Lynn: She went to Massachusetts to meet her great-granddaughter. She’ll be gone a week.
Sarah: Are you okay being home alone? I don’t need to be on campus, I can come stay with you.
Patty Lynn: Why does everyone think I can’t be home alone? I’m not some feeble old woman!
Sarah: Of course not! I just know you’re not used to being alone.
Patty Lynn: I’m not some lonesome loser, no need to call the Little River Band.
Sarah: The who?
Patty Lynn: Ah, kids.
Sarah: So you’re fine being alone?
Patty Lynn: I’m enjoying it! It’s nice to get a bit of peace. Besides, Marietta and your dad and Moira are all be coming over tomorrow for dinner. Tammy, too. I invited Eliza and Elena too, not sure if they’ll show since they’re very busy, much like you. The house is a little less these days, with how busy everyone is, but it’s fine.
Sarah: Are you sure you’re okay? I know how much you miss grandpa.
Patty Lynn: Look, I loved your grandfather very much, but he wasn’t my keeper. I can be independent, I can live on my own. I’ll be fine.
Sarah: Of course. If you need anything, though, give me a call.
Patty Lynn: I don’t want to bother you, you have so much on your plate. Your aunt’s not that busy, I’ll just call her.
Sarah: She’s the mayor.
Patty Lynn: Exactly, they don’t do much.
Sarah: Don’t say that around her!
Patty Lynn: She’d be the first to admit it! Now, I’m gonna let you go and get back to your studying. I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
Sarah: See you!
Later that night, Patty Lynn is sitting on the couch, drifting in and out of consciousness.
Patty Lynn: Who’s there? I have a gun, I’m not afraid to use it!
Martin: No need for that.
Patty Lynn: Martin! You’re finally home! Oh, I’ve missed you.
Martin: Missed me? I’ve always been here.
Patty Lynn: What do you mean? You’ve been gone for a month! I’ve been looking for you.
Martin: I’m always right by your side, even if you don’t see me.
Patty Lynn: No you’re not! I’m all alone.
Martin: You’re never alone.
Patty Lynn: That isn’t true. I’ve been in this huge house with no one else, don’t tell me I haven’t been alone.
Martin: Just look in your heart.
Patty Lynn: Huh?
Martin: I have to go now.
Patty Lynn: See! There you go, leaving me alone again!
Martin: I love you.
Patty Lynn: Don’t leave me if you love me!
Martin: It’s time.
Patty Lynn: It is not!
Patty Lynn jolts awake.
Patty Lynn: It was a dream? Come on! I was hoping that was about to kick off a series of visits from ghosts, Christmas Carol-style! Ah well, that’s woken me up no, let’s see what’s on TV!
The next day, there’s a knock at the door.
Patty Lynn: This could still be a dream! What if it’s Martin again? I better look nice. Wait, why am I talking aloud to myself? And surely if it were a dream, I wouldn’t be able to think th-
Maria: Patty Lynn! I stopped at the market to get some things for you for tonight! Let me in!
Patty Lynn: Ah, good, it’s just Maria.
Maria: I think I hear you in there.
Patty Lynn: Oh, no, that’s the TV! You know how much I love watching, uh, Saturday morning infomercials.
Patty Lynn quickly turns the TV on and then opens the door.
Maria: Ah, finally! This is heavy!
Patty Lynn: What all did you get?
Maria: Oh, not much! Just a whole chicken, a sack of potatoes, a bag of crawfish, some corn -
Patty Lynn: Just hand some of that here, I’m afraid your little arms are gonna snap like twigs under the weight of all that food!
Maria: It’s not really that much, I can hold it.
Patty Lynn: Are you sure? I see construction workers carrying less around the job site.
Maria: I’m a mother of two, I’m used to lugging around a bunch of dead weight.
Patty Lynn: Maybe rephrase.
Maria: I’m used to carrying heavy loads.
Patty Lynn: No, that’s worse.
Maria: I’m very excited for dinner tonight! I’m don’t usually get to be here for it, we’re always running around doing something with the kids.
Patty Lynn: Tell me about it! I swear, I ask you kids to come over every week and you can never make it! This time, though, it’s everyone else that can’t make it.
Maria: What do you mean?
Patty Lynn: Well, Kathleen’s in New Hampshire or Massachusetts or wherever and Sarah’s going to a party.
Maria: Everyone else will still be there, right?
Patty Lynn: Maybe not Eliza and Elena, Eliza is apparently busy, because somehow being a member of the super minority Democratic caucus is a very busy job.
Maria: Isn’t she in charge of voter outreach, so they can try and expand the map a bit?
Patty Lynn: There aren’t any voters to reach out to!
Maria: There’s plenty! Governor Bordelon is quite popular.
Patty Lynn: But my dinner is more important! Alas, it just means more food for me, so I shan’t complain.
Maria: Do you think this is too much for who’ll be here?
Patty Lynn: Not if we all have a proper appetite!
Later that day…
Patty Lynn: Milton! What’s going on?
Milton: Ellie, I’m on the phone!
Ellie: With who?
Patty Lynn: Ellie? What are still you doing with Ellie? Are you bringing her for dinner?
Milton: Oh, mom, I’m sorry.
Ellie: Oh boy, she won’t take this well.
Kate: Shh!
Patty Lynn: Sorry for what? Take what well? Milton…
Milton: Mom, I’m very sorry, it’s all the Republicans’ fault!
Patty Lynn: It always is!
Kate: No, he’s being serious this time, these people are animals.
Ellie: I hesitate to call them people. That’s how bad this is.
Kate: It’s all the president’s fault, the Republicans were - you know what, you don’t have to hear this. You know how President Delphy is, no need to stress you out further.
Patty Lynn: So what exactly is happening?
Milton: I’m not coming home, I won’t be home until a budget passes, or until the shutdown ends, which could be weeks.
Patty Lynn: Weeks?
Milton: I know. Moira’s flying up as we speak.
Patty Lynn: Moira? I need her more than you do! Everyone else is canceling on me! Do you know how much crawfish and corn and potatoes Maria got me for tonight’s boil? She even got me a chicken, I don’t even know what that’s for!
Milton: Moe for you!
Patty Lynn: I can’t ever possibly eat that much! I’m on a natural Ozempic-esque appetite suppressant called being old! My stomach can’t handle all that food! I went out to lunch yesterday -
Milton: You? Lunch?
Patty Lynn: Why is everyone so surprised?
Milton: You’re frugal.
Patty Lynn: I am not!
Milton: You’re getting very defensive.
Ellie: Never say that to a woman! Not even when it’s true!
Patty Lynn: Anyway, you will be missed, and I am getting another phone call, so I have to go.
Milton: Love you mom, wish me luck!
Patty Lynn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Milton: That wasn’t very -
Patty Lynn hangs up and answers the other phone call.
Patty Lynn: What?
Marietta: Wow, very aggressive!
Patty Lynn: I’m sorry, it’s been a terribly stressful few days. I’ve been humanely killing forty pounds worth of crawfish while also getting calls from various members of my family canceling on me for tonight, because apparently, everyone’s got something more important to do than having dinner with me!
Marietta: You’ve been doing what?
Patty Lynn: I put them in my freezer, it’s supposed to be a more pleasant death than tossing them in boiling water.
Marietta: Um… okay. Well, sadly, I have to join the list of those canceling.
Patty Lynn: No! You’re coming!
Marietta: I am not.
Patty Lynn: You are!
Marietta: Mom, this is work-related.
Patty Lynn: You barely even work!
Marietta: That’s hurtful.
Patty Lynn: You say it yourself!
Marietta: I know, but I don’t want anyone else to notice.
Patty Lynn: So what do you have tonight?
Marietta: I’m just, uh, I don’t know. Some fancy dinner with the high society of the city. It sounds awful, I’d much rather go to some crawfish boil. I could always send Amy over!
Henrietta: Don’t do that to her!
Marietta: To Amy or my mother?
Henrietta: To Patty Lynn!
Amy: Hey!
Patty Lynn: You don’t need to worry about me. Enjoy your dinner, I’ll talk to you soon.
Marietta: Are you sure? I can cancel on these people, I don’t really care about these people. What are they gonna do, donate to my primary opponent? I’m term-limited, who cares?
Patty Lynn: It’s fine, just go rub elbow with the rich. I’ll see you soon.
Patty Lynn hangs up and begins to cry before she looks and sees Martin’s picture hanging on the wall and smiles.
Patty Lynn: I’m not alone.
Later that night…
Maria: Oh my goodness, where is everybody?
Kyle: Don’t ask her that! She’s very sens-
Patty Lynn: They all had other things to do, and that’s fine. Life goes on.
Maria: You sure? You seemed pretty bummed about it earlier?
Patty Lynn: I just came to realize that, at the end of the day, I’m never alone.
Kyle: Of course not, we’re here!
Patty Lynn: I’ve always got someone right by my side, whether I can see it or not.
Kyle: Grandma are you saying your vision’s getting worse?
Maria: Don’t worry, I can take her to the eye doctor on Monday.
Patty Lynn: Never mind.
Maria: No, it’s really no trouble!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
