Mitchell walks into the house with a letter in his hand.
Tammi: Ah, is the PTA harassing you, too?
Mitchell: No, not all of us have children who got their girlfriend pregnant in high school.
Cindy: That was a low blow!
Velma: It was, he’s such an ass.
Teri: So what’s in that letter that you’re swinging around? You seem quite excited.
Mitchell: It’s my invitation to the Survivor reunion show in two weeks. I don’t mean to spoil it for anyone not caught up, but I’ve made it far enough in the show that my presence at the finale would be missed!
Velma: No, it would not be.
Betty: And where is that?
Mitchell: LA!
Betty: Okay, so we’re going to LA!
Jerry: We?
Teri: Let’s face it, Mitchell is a side character in most of our lives. Why would we fly to LA just because he’s on a TV show? We can watch it from home!
Cindy: She’s sort of right, even if she didn’t say it very delicately. Going to this reunion to cheer him on would upend all of our lives. We’d have to take off work, we’d have to fly out there, leave our home -
Mitchell: Are you people for real?
Teri: Yes.
Mitchell: I’m in the finale of Survivor, and I could win! Why are you not all excited for me? You care more about taking a few days off work than supporting me!
Teri: I don’t even care about work, that’s just a long flight.
Mitchell: A long flight? I’m living my dream! If all I cared about was avoiding a long flight, I’d never have even started this journey to begin with!
Teri: Fine, we’ll go to Hollywood with you if it’ll shut you up.
Frank: We? I don’t recall the rest of us agreeing.
Teri: You’ll do what I say and you’ll like it, Frank.
Frank: God it, I’ll be on the plane whenever you need me to be.
Tammi: You can be so weak-willed.
Frank: It’s the worst trait God gave me.
Teri: That and your entire personality.
Ralph: So we’re going to LA?
Karl: I suppose so.
Steven: I don’t want to rain on any parades, and obviously the world isn’t centered around us, but can Alysa and I even take off from school again to go? We already took two weeks off for that cruise.
Mitchell: It’s the end of the year, that’s the least important time at school.
Alysa: That… is not true.
Steven: We have exams, we have tests -
Mitchell: You don’t want to miss out on this experience just to take some tests, do you?
Tammi: Hey, Mitchell, maybe don’t try to talk my son into ditching school and his exams to go visit Hollywood.
Velma: Yeah, jackass, get your head out of other peoples’ business.
Teri: That being said, they’re going too. If I gotta go, everyone in this family does. Them’s the rules.
Alysa: I think school would let us go. It is a family event, they won’t keep us from that.
Tammi: But should they, that’s the real question.
Steven: I want to go. I don’t want to be left out.
Cindy: Well, if it weren’t for Teri, the rest of us wouldn’t be going e-
Karl: Shh!
Mitchell: I know you’re all dreading going, but I do think we’ll have fun out there.
Teri: Just think, guys, there’s a lot to do in LA. We barely even have to spend any time with Mitchell!
Velma: That’s the spirit!
Two weeks later…
Betty: LA, you aren’t ready for this!
Jerry: This city has seen some wild times, some crazy people, but they’ve never seen anything quite like this family.
Alysa: How far away is the hotel?
Steven: What’s wrong? You look -
Frank: Tread carefully, kid.
Steven: Beautiful. You look beautiful.
Alysa: I feel like I’m about to throw up my four packs of airplane pretzels and my room temperature Sprite.
Tammi: Do you want to go to the bathroom or would you prefer to throw up into one of these potted plants?
Alysa: I can’t make it to the bathroom.
Velma: It’s LA, they’re used to people puking wherever. At least you’re not out here hurling because you’re mind-numbingly drunk like most of these entitled celebrities.
Teri: Yeah, she’s just pregnant at seventeen, much better!
Karl: All right, if she’s done, I think we better get to the hotel.
Betty: Yeah, we have a lot to see today, since we only have three days here that aren’t travel days and someone is taking up all our time tomorrow on his silly show. So we need to cram whatever we can in today!
Mitchell: That silly show is the only reason we’re here!
Cindy: Exactly! We don’t want to be here! A five-day trip to a city like LA, two of which are travel and one is spent preparing for a TV taping, that’s an inconvenience, not a vacation.
Mitchell: I’m sorry to be such an inconvenience to everyone!
Cindy: I don’t mean to come down on you, all this traveling is just running me ragged.
Betty: Well, get ready to run even more, because we’re touring Hollywood Boulevard!
Steven: Do you think we can meet Jimmy Kimmel?
Frank: Jimmy Kimmel?!? Alysa’s a worse influence than I thought!
Steven: What’s wrong with Jimmy Kimmel?
Jerry: Nothing that isn’t wrong with 90% of this city.
Karl: Okay, I have to put my foot down. This is Mitchell’s big moment, and everyone is complaining. Just stop, okay? You don’t need to love being here, you can find it inconvenient or annoying, or think the city has too many Democrats, or whatever, but you need to keep that to yourselves for now. Mitchell’s living his dream, he’s made the finale on a legendary TV show watched by millions. Stop trying to put a damper on that for him, and act like adults for once!
Teri: That’s… easier said than done with this crew.
Karl: At least put a bit of effort into it, that’s all I’m saying.
Cindy: Mitchell, I’m sorry for complaining so much.
Frank: And I’m sorry for bullying Jimmy Kimmel.
Alysa: And I’m sorry for the morning sickness.
Danielle: Really, you should be apologizing to the workers at the airport for that.
Alysa: That’s a good point, sorry guys.
Teri: And I’m sorry for punching Frank.
Frank: But you didn’t -
Teri: Now I did! And I’m sorry about it!
Frank: Yeah, sure you are.
Teri: Is that backtalk?
Frank: No, not at all, my apologies.
Tammi: Frank, you need to start standing up for yourself.
Frank: Oh, really? Do I? Don’t boss me around!
Tammi: Not with me!
Frank: You’re sending some real mixed signals.
Tammi: You’re hopeless.
Teri: At least she finally came to terms with it!
The next day, at dinner…
Betty: I think we’ve had a good visit so far!
Cindy: You would.
Ralph: I’m exhausted!
Danielle: I got to meet Bradley Cooper!
Velma: Stop rubbing it in, you bitch!
Danielle: He sang Shallow with me. This truly is the land where dreams come true!
Alysa: Oh, you think that’s so impressive? I met Jeff Goldblum and threw up when I was getting a picture with him.
Danielle: That’s just sad.
Alysa: Yeah, it was terrible. I tried to explain to him that I’m not sick, I’m just pregnant, but he seemed even more concerned and confused by that.
Teri: Jeff Goldblum always looks sort of concerned and confused, though.
Betty: Well, I didn’t meet any stars, but I did get the chance to see so many of the most famous sites in the city, so I’m very content with my trip so far. And still one more day to go!
Mitchell: You’re going to get to meet a star tonight, I’ll introduce you to Jeff Probst.
Betty: He’s a TV star, they got to meet movie stars, so this still feels like a step down. Also, they’ll get to meet him too.
Danielle: Betty, it’s not a competition. My new friend Brad - that’s what he lets his friends call him, Brad - wouldn’t want you feeling down about yourself because you didn’t get to meet someone as famous and handsome and successful as he is.
Velma: I should cut you.
Danielle: You feeling jealous, Velma? It’s not a good look on you.
Velma: You get to hang out with Bradley Cooper, I get to hang out with the future no-vote finalist on the least-watched season of Survivor. Life is not fair.
Mitchell: We have higher ratings than at least four other seasons!
Danielle: Sure you do, Mitchell.
Cindy: I can’t say I hate this city, or this trip, but I do feel run ragged. I finally get somewhere I want to see, and I have five minutes there and I have to go. And we have to walk everywhere, because the traffic is at a stand-still in this city all the time.
Teri: I know, but you have to admit, the glitz and glam is pretty exciting.
Cindy: I would’ve loved the experience the glitz and glam of the Academy Museum. I was dragged through there in an hour because we had “other things to do” and “not enough to to putz around.”
Betty: You got to see it, didn’t you? Stop crying!
Teri: Really though, it is a magical city. Tourists and everyday average Joes get to rub elbows with the richest of the rich, the people who’ve brought us years’ worth of entertainment, and we all act like it’s completely normal.
Alysa: Jeff Goldblum didn’t think it was normal.
Jerry: John Goodman seemed upset that I yelled at him about betraying Roseanne.
Cindy: The lady from Abbott Elementary seemed very unsure of how to answer me when I joked about appearing on the show or helping as a consultant.
Teri: Okay, so some celebrities did not enjoy the Bellwood experience. A lot of people at home don’t, either. LA is still really cool!
Danielle (singing): I love LA!
Teri: Pipe down, Randy Newman. You’re gonna break one of these expensive glasses with those killer pipes.
Ralph: Killer as in they kill your eardrums, right?
Teri: Absolutely.
Betty: I agree, this is a magical trip. Lookin through that telescope at the Griffith Observatory last night, then go outside and see the night skyline and the Hollywood sign all lit up… you gotta be a little dead inside not to feel a flutter of your heart getting to actually experience that. Not nearly enough people will ever get to experience such magic!
Jerry: We’re eating dinner at 2 PM like a bunch of elderly people because Mitchell’s gotta get to a taping of a show that starts at 5 PM. This is lunchtime! I do not feel magic.
Mitchell: Yeah, and we’re still cutting it close! Less talking, more shoveling, let’s go!
Karl: It’ll be eight when we get out of there, we’ll have plenty of time to experience the highlights of LA once we’re done in Studio City.
Betty: We’re not going until I meet Jeff, though!
Karl: Of course not, even though, as you said, he’s not a movie star.
Betty: He’s still a star, and I will successfully campaign to him for a spot on The Amazing Race.
Karl: I don’t think he has any authority over that one.
Betty: And that’s where you’re wrong. Him, Julie Chen, Phil whatshisname… they all talk, they all give each other ideas.
Teri: Mom, just eat so we can go.
Betty: Fine, fine, I’m eating. But I don’t like to be rushed!
Cindy: Are you kidding me?
Ralph: Cindy, you act like you’re the only one she’s driven nuts on this vacation.
Betty: How have I driven anyone nuts?
Jerry: Your schedule.
Betty: I’m trying to make sure we see everything that we can in the short time we do have here. If you don’t want to keep up at this fast pace, you can always go out on your own like Danielle.
Danielle: Worked out for me!
Velma: If you don’t stop…
Danielle: I finally have something to hold over your head, I’m never going to stop.
Karl: Okay, Betty’s done, let’s pay the bill and get out of here.
Jerry: Frank, you coming?
Frank: In a minute. I just looked at the bill, I have temporarily paralysis.
Later that night…
Velma: I can’t believe.
Betty: I know, I just met Jeff Probst.
Velma: I think some more unbelievable things happened tonight.
Betty: Oh, like what?
Velma: Well, Mitchell actually went and, I can’t believe I’m saying these words -
Mitchell: I won Survivor! I. Won. SURVIVOR!
Teri: Don’t let it get to your head, Mitchell.
Tammi: We’re rich!
Velma: We?
Tammi: I mean, he’ll obviously share the wealth.
Mitchell: Um, yeah. Sure I will.
Velma: You will not.
Mitchell: I will not. Actually, no, I will.
Velma: Don’t test me, Mitchell. Not the one time in thirty years I’ve been proud of you.
Mitchell: You’ve all supported me, stood by me, been there for me, and put up with me talking about this show non-stop for a year. You’ve all earned a reward.
Teri: I’m listening.
Mitchell: We’re in LA, the land of dreams. We’re gonna go on a shopping spree tomorrow on Rodeo Drive.
Velma: Excuse me?
Mitchell: I want to do this for my family, you’ve all been so wonderful.
Danielle: I don’t know what to say, Mitchell, this is so totally unlike you.
Mitchell: It’s a shock, I know.
Velma: It’s not more of a shock to anyone than me. We’re gonna have to put a spending limit on everyone, maybe one solid gift per person.
Mitchell: That sounds reasonable.
Danielle: Yeah, that’s more in-line with the Mitchell I know.
Mitchell: Auntie Betty, by the way -
Betty: What? Are you about to say what I think you’re going to?
Teri: I’m certain of what he’s about to say to his sort-of-boss.
Mitchell: I’m going ton be retiring from the Boutique.
Betty: Of course you are.
Mitchell: You’re doing well enough to hire someone now, you don’t need me.
Jerry: It’ll actually be much more efficient without him.
Mitchell: Exactly! Wait, hey!
Cindy: Jerry, don’t blow this for me, I want a Gucci bag. Or even Versace! My god, the possibilities are endless! But not if you get him in a bad mood.
Mitchell: Are you kidding? Nothing can put me in a bad mood now. I just won Survivor!
Betty: And we are all so proud of you, even if you are quitting the boutique and abandoning me.
Teri: Mom, it’s a crappy retail job at a small store in a town barely anyone lives in, he’s not leaving The Beatles. Dial it down a bit.
Betty: No!
Mitchell: We wouldn’t have it any other way, really.
Karl: I want to know more about this big win! How’d you keep this a secret?
Mitchell: Well, I love money, and I’m scared of Jeff Probst. So I was afraid Jeff Probst would take away my money if I accidentally spoiled the season.
Tammi: You put up with a year of Velma roasting you and saying you were going to be the first out, or saying every Wednesday that it was time for you to be eliminated, and here you knew you won!
Mitchell: Well, I didn’t know for sure. Candida and Estella were great competitors, and I did always have Velma in my ear saying I was going to lose, so I started to believe that.
Velma: I’m glad to have had somewhat of an impact on you. If not for nothing, it helped it to be a surprise!
Teri: We did watch the same season, right? You dragged them both to the end because they were practically useless, it was a flawless strategy that I can’t believe you pulled off.
Mitchell: Like I said, I really love money.
Danielle: It’s what guides his life, after all.
Karl: How about we celebrate this big win with a big more exploring the town? There’s a lot of great nightlife here for us to experience.
Cindy: Have we considered relaxing?
Mitchell: I’ll sleep when we get home, let’s go!
Cindy: Easy for you to say, you’re a millionaire now, you don’t have to work!
The next day…
Betty: Rodeo Drive! I’ve always wanted to shop here.
Karl: I’ve always wanted you not to.
Betty: Don’t worry, I’m only spending Mitchell’s money!
Karl: Which is exactly why I’m allowing you to come here in the first place. I certainly wouldn’t let you come here if you were using our money!
Teri: I don’t feel nearly fancy enough for Rodeo Drive. I mean, my blouse is from the Joy Behar for Kohl’s collection.
Velma: I’ve got three of those in different colors, nothing to be embarrassed about a good deal!
Danielle: You’re wearing Keds, too.
Teri: I’m not ashamed of those, they’re comfortable.
Frank: They’re not quite the Sabrina Ionescu Nike basketball shoes like I have, but they do look comfortable.
Teri: You’re wearing women’s shoes?
Frank: They’re unisex! And I was defending you!
Teri: I just can’t help myself!
Betty: Guys, one hour until we have to be out of here! Lots on the schedule today, can’t waste it all shopping! Get moving!
Tammi: All right, we’re going!
Betty: Not fast enough! Scatter!
Jerry: She is a worse dictator than Stalin.
Ten minutes later…
Alysa: Would you mind helping me find this dress in my size?
Saleswoman: I’m sorry, I don’t think we have anything for someone in your… condition in here.
Alysa: Excuse me?
Saleswoman: We’re not in the market of serving pregnant teenagers at this high-class establishment, I’m sorry. You’re not exactly the type to have the spending money.
Alysa: Big mistake. Big. Huge!
Saleswoman: Excuse me?
Alysa: Well, I’m related to the newest winner of Survivor, he’s taking the whole family on a Rodeo Drive shopping spree. Oh well, your loss! Goodbye!
Meanwhile, across the street.
Betty: pretty good, right?
Karl: I don’t know. I guess? I don’t know fashion.
Betty: This isn’t just fashion. This is a Versace dress! Versace!
Karl: Yes, I’ve heard of it.
Betty: Two thousand dollars!
Karl: Two thousand dollars?
Betty: Yeah, it’s one of the cheapest dresses they got here.
Karl: Well, it looks nice.
Betty: Thank you.
Karl: He’s a Survivor winner, I’m sure he’ll be able to survive finding out you dropped two grand on vintage Versace.
Betty: Hopefully!
One hour later…
Betty: All right, gang, lots to see in LA, hope you’ve all enjoyed Rodeo Drive.
Mitchell: So, how much is all this gonna cost me?
Betty: I spent $2,000 on a dress.
Mitchell: Oh god.
Cindy: I spent about $2,500 on a handbag.
Mitchell: Wow.
Teri: I got a Burberry trench coat for about $4,000.
Velma: I felt that one even worse than Mitchell!
Alysa: I got denied purchase because I’m a pregnant teen.
Steven: Wait, really?
Velma: Thank god!
Steven: Excuse me?
Velma: Forgive me, this is just adding up… so fast.
Frank: I spent $6,500 on a Rolex.
Betty: Frank spent three times as much as me? This is not right!
Mitchell: I can’t feel my legs.
Jerry: Cheer up, bud. You should have, eh, $900,000 left. Well, less than that once Uncle Sam’s done with it.
Mitchell: Yeah, I think it’s time to get out of Rodeo Drive!
Ralph: Wait, I did’t tell you what I got!
Mitchell: I don’t want to know.
Jerry: Teri’s right, this really is the land where dreams are made!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
