Olivia walks out of her study and into the kitchen.
Olivia: Fred…
Fred: What’s that look on your face?
Olivia: Frederick…
Fred: What’ve you done now?
Olivia: I’ve finished the book!
Fred: You finished the book? That’s amazing! I didn’t think you were anywhere near done!
Olivia: I had a burst of creativity and plenty of time on my hands tonight and I got it done. I brought it all the way up to this year, and talked about how happy I am to be back in the family.
Fred: This is you happy with your family?
Olivia: I tease them, but I love them.
Fred: Did you ever tell your family the extent of what you were planning to write about them in this book?
Olivia: Not exactly.
Fred: You think this’ll go over well?
Olivia: They’ll never see it, they’re not the type to read memoirs.
Fred: You think they’ll never find out about the contents of a book that’s sure to be a bestseller?
Olivia: Aww, you really think so? I’m so lucky to have such a supportive husband, you really believe in me!
Fred: To be frank, that wasn’t really the point of what I just said.
Olivia: It’s what I choose to hear!
Fred: I just want you to get out ahead of what will likely be an awkward time between you and your family. Better they hear it from you than from some story on the BBC.
Olivia: Fred, I’m not worried. They know I’m writing it now, and surely they’re wise enough to expect that I’ll be honest about my experience.
Fred: I read some of the excerpts. Did they know you’d be that honest?
Olivia: If they don’t, they’ll know soon enough. Don’t be a downer, let’s just celebrate the completion of a tough journey. Tomorrow, that is. I’m tired and need some sleep tonight. I had a long day
Fred: It’s eight o’clock.
Olivia: And I woke up at four in the morning with a lot on my mind.
Fred: Oh, but when I’m tired at ten, I get mocked.
Olivia: Yes.
Fred: Have you told Elsa the book’s done yet?
Olivia: Oh, I should! She’ll be excited. Mostly because she doesn’t have to deal with me trying to figure out technology, but also because she really does believe this will sell well.
Fred: Do you think it’ll be out for Christmas? That’s a pretty busy time for sales, could be good for you.
Olivia: That’s always been the goal, I think I’ve finished up early enough to get it done. Now, I should go call Elsa so she knows I’ve finished. We all know how cranky she gets when I call her in the morning.
Fred: Well, it is the middle of the night for her. She’s trying to sleep.
Olivia: You believe that?
Fred: The concept of time zones? Yes.
Olivia: She’s awake! You don’t answer the phone if you’re trying to sleep!
Fred: Just go call her and then you can get that rest you clearly need.
Olivia steps away and calls Elsa.
Elsa: Olivia, so lovely to hear from you!
Olivia: Lovely to talk to you.
Elsa: Are you all right? Your voice sounds a bit weak.
Olivia: Been a long day, dear.
Elsa: Well, I won’t keep you on any longer than you wanted to be on then, you go ahead and let me know what you’re calling about.
Olivia: Elsa, I have incredible news. After months of work, I have finished the book.
Elsa: That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you! I’m shocked, though! The last time we spoke, you had over a hundred pages to write!
Olivia: I got a spark of inspiration today and I breezed through the rest of it. I’ve told my story in a way I’m happy about, it feels very freeing.
Elsa: I told you it would!
Olivia: I can’t claim to be some oppressed person or say I’ve been silenced by anyone, but I think there are some misconceptions about what’s gone on in my family over the years. I’m grateful to have a platform now to give my own perspective on how everything went. It never hit me before just how much I was holding inside of me, I don’t even think I’ve told Fred much of this.
Elsa: Writing can be so therapeutic. I wouldn’t know firsthand, I don’t have anything interesting to actually write about, nor would anyone be interested in reading my memoirs, but I’ve heard it from many of my authors. Except for Anna Wintour, she was quite unhappy with the entire affair, but that’s all I can say.
Olivia: I’d be interested! It amazes me that you’ve worked your way up to being the editor of one of the biggest publishing houses in the world at your young age.
Elsa: I appreciate the sentiment, but I wouldn’t exactly call me “young.”
Olivia: You’re not even forty! You’re practically a child in my eyes.
Elsa: Now you’re trying to flatter me. Don’t worry, I’m not going to edit your book too much, I’ll just fix the spelling errors and the syntax. Your vision will be preserved.
Olivia: That reminds me, I should send you the book in full so you can read it!
Elsa: That would be terrific. Do you need me to talk you through how to save a document as a PDF?
Olivia: No, I can figure it out myself. I’ve become quite technologically-inclined.
Elsa: Very well then. I’ll let you off the phone so you can focus on that. Congrats on finishing your book, I look forward to getting it on the shelves.
Olivia: Thank you, Elsa. I’ll talk to you soon.
Elsa: Talk soon! Very excited to read the finished product!
Olivia: And I’m excited for you!
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: She excited?
Olivia: Very much so! I’m going to send her the full book. She said about sending it as something called a PDF. I don’t know what that is, but I’ll try it anyhow. Can’t be too difficult, look at how many simpletons can work a computer.
Fred: The prime minister, for one.
Olivia: We have no proof of that. I’ve never seen her use one.
Fred: You’re right, you know what they say about assuming.
Olivia: Oh no!
Fred: What’s happened?
Olivia: Does saving something as a PDF tend to involve the document going blank and crashing?
Fred: Not in my experience, no. I’m no tech expert, though.
Olivia: You know what? It’s late, and I’m tired. This can be tomorrow’s problem.
Fred: Tomorrow’s? Isn’t recovering lost data a timely manner?
Olivia: As long as no one touches it until tomorrow, I think we’ll be fine, no?
Fred: Sure. You have a nice rest, everything will resolve tomorrow morning.
Olivia: Thank you for staying positive.
Fred: Someone has to. You look like you’re about to cry.
Olivia: You would too.
The next morning…
Todd: I must say, mum, as much as I appreciate visiting, this is a bit earlier than you’d usually want me to stop by.
Olivia: There are peculiar circumstances today.
Todd: What’s happening? Is it another divorce? You know I’m not emotionally fit to handle something like that, not again.
Olivia: It’s not a divorce.
Fred: Why would you think it’s a divorce? I’m right here.
Todd: I still have PTSD, forgive me.
Olivia: You’re young.
Todd: Thank you!
Olivia: You youngsters understand computers, no?
Todd: Yes. Did you break your computer again?
Olivia: I have never broken it.
Todd: Let’s pretend that’s true.
Olivia: It is!
Todd: What’s wrong with your computer now?
Olivia: The book I’m working on, I’ve deleted it. I think, I don’t know.
Todd: How do you do that?
Olivia: That’s neither here nor there.
Todd: Hand me the computer, let me check it out.
Olivia: I find’t put it in the trash, just so you know. The document is still up, it’s just blank now.
Todd: That’s good to know. Let me see what I can do. What were you doing with it that it all got deleted, anyway?
Olivia: Trying to save it as a PDF, so I can send it to Elsa
Todd: Yeah, I’ll do that for you, too. We don’t need this happening again.
Olivia: You sound confident that you can retrieve the book.
Todd: Mum, it’s back already. All I had to do was click “undo typing.” It’s all back.
Olivia: Yay! Thank you, you’re a life saver!
Todd: That’s a nice, new thing to hear.
Olivia: I say it all the time!
Todd: You don’t, but that’s fine. I heard it now, and the rarity makes it more special. I sure hope you wrote positively about me in this book I just recovered, though!
Olivia: Of course I did, you’re my son! I can’t say the same about everyone, though. I think some many not appreciate this book like I do.
Todd: Can I be the first one to tell Gigi you trashed her in a future international bestseller?
Olivia: Ah, you and your imagination.
One week later…
Olivia: I have huge news!
Eleanor: Olivia, we’re in the middle of something.
Meredith: Are we?
Olivia: How is she always here?
Meredith: I was wondering the same thing!
Olivia: You know what? I’m ignoring her, because I’m on top of the world!
Claude: You sound as excited as a teenage girl at a boy band concert, this is concerning behavior from you.
Olivia: I know, I’m a bit perplexed myself. Nevertheless, I’m extremely happy and excited and I don’t care who knows it!
Eleanor: What brings you this great joy? I’m always excited to hear about things that make my children happy.
Olivia: I just found out from my publisher that my book is officially ready for publication and it will be released at the end of September!
Eleanor: Oh, that…
Olivia: What happened to your excitement?
Eleanor: I’m glad you are happy, it’s just that I can only imagine what’s been written in that book.
Olivia: Do you not trust me?
Eleanor: I trust you to provide your story as you see it, and I expect it doesn’t always paint me in the most flattering light.
Olivia: It tells the truth.
Eleanor: I think we all see the truth in different ways, depending on the situation. Despite that, I am still happy for you, I know how hard you’ve worked on this book.
Ethan: A book? Was someone writing a book? Who could’ve known?
Eleanor: Oh, don’t give me that!
Ethan: In all seriousness, this is exciting for you. I know the public gave you a tough time during the family fallout, and I don’t think it was exactly fair, so you deserve to tell your story.
Claude: A memoir from a working royal is unprecedented, but times are changing and the unprecedented keeps on happening. This’ll be new.
Christine: I’m shocked you actually finished it. I assumed this would be one of those things that was forgotten about after a few weeks, a pipe dream you gave up on because it was too hard.
Olivia: Who in this room was named the hardest-working royal three years in a row now? Not you!
Christine: I’m busy with actual responsibilities, I’ve no time to attend every hospital ribbon-cutting ceremony and boat launch I’m asked to make an appearance at.
Olivia: You sound very hateful.
Ethan: You almost remind me of my wife.
Claire: Where is Selina, anyway?
Ethan: Well, she actually had somewhere to be today.
Olivia: Good to see someone in this family has something going on today.
Arthur: We are very busy!
Olivia: Teatime with the prime minister isn’t “busy.”
Eleanor: We’re actually working on something for Remembrance Day.
Olivia: Already? It’s August.
Claude: These things take time, Olivia.
Olivia: Why was I not invited, anyway? Arthur and Claire are included but not me?
Claude: It was really just an immediate family sort of thing.
Olivia: And Meredith?
Meredith: I’m practically family!
Claire: Oh, don’t say that!
Arthur: Ah, you know what? Claire looks unwell, I think we ought to get home.
Claire: Stomach cramps.
Meredith: Well, feel better!
Olivia: Anyhow, I just thought you’d all enjoy knowing my big news, but since you are all clearly so busy, and Claire is ill, I’ll leave you be.
Eleanor: No, you should stay! We could use any help.
Olivia: I’ve got things to do for my book launch. I have to get tickets to fly in for the launch party in New York!
Eleanor: Launch party? Were you not going to tell us about that?
Olivia: Guess we’re all hiding things!
Eleanor: Don’t be that way!
Olivia: I don’t want anyone else there, honestly. It’s supposed to be a low-key affair, it’d be a circus if the entire family came along.
Eleanor: That’s fine, really. It’d be a lot to fly us all out to New York anyway.
Claude: You don’t look fine.
Eleanor: I am!
Olivia: Glad we all had this chat! Enjoy your planning, I’ll see you all soon!
Meredith: Wait, I -
Olivia: Send it in an email! I’m running late!
Meredith: For what?
Christine: There’s a question that’ll never be answered.
Claude: Olivia, before you go, one question!
Olivia: This should be good!
Claude: I know you said the family didn’t have approval rights over the content of the book, but it would be appreciated if you’d allow us to see the book before its release so we can prepare for what’s about to come out about us.
Olivia: That’s going to be a no! I’ve signed a contract, I can’t divulge the details of the book to anyone. Sorry!
Claude: It was worth a try.
Christine: Our lawyers could get you out of it.
Olivia: I’d rather they didn’t.
One month later…
Gigi: Wow! New York together, this is just swell!
Warren: Darling, you’re laying it on a bit thick.
Gigi: I’m sorry, it’s just a bit difficult to be excited after that flight. Tesco ships their food with more care than those pilots had for us.
Olivia: It was a bumpier ride than any of us would have liked, but we’re here and we’re fine and that’s what matters.
Gigi: I just didn’t realize that my mother writing a book and spilling all the family secrets also involved us taking shoddy cross-Atlantic flight and ending up at an airport that looks like a dump.
Todd: I think LaGuardia is a magical airport.
Gigi: It would only be magical if the rats I just saw scurrying across the floor were the rats from Cinderella.
Todd: Stop being so negative!
Gigi: I’m not negative!
Warren: Babe…
Gigi: Oh, don’t you start!
Fred: Everyone needs to stop the complaining and just be happy that your mother is here to celebrate her book release. This is a major
Gigi: You’re not my real dad and you never will be!
Midge: Well, I’m so glad I agreed to come along. Not every day you get to see the Royal Family bicker like this.
Olivia: Clearly you’ve not read the book if you think this is a rarity.
Gigi: This is actually a very respectful conversation for our standards.
Norah: I’m still wondering why my mum couldn’t come along, she was so excited.
Olivia: She’s the prime minister, dear, that presents a security risk.
Norah: But you’re fairly well known, a member of a prominent family, surely there’s already security in place at this event.
Olivia: Not “prime minister of a major world power” level security.
Midge: I’ve always found it odd we’re still considered a world power. I mean, we’ve really lost a bit of our influence over the years, haven’t we? The land we’re standing in right now, that used to be ours. Now it’s “America.” We’ve lost a step.
Olivia: Uh… sure.
Elsa: Olivia! Oh my god, I finally get to see you in person!
Olivia: Elsa, is that you!
Elsa: You look wonderful! I’m so glad you made the trip over.
Olivia: You had quite a flight yourself.
Elsa: Not recently I haven’t. I’ve been on vacation in the Hamptons. Don’t worry, I rented the house next door for all of you to stay in.
Midge: I take it back, I love America
Gigi: And I don’t mind the flight, suddenly.
Olivia: So this is everyone! My husband Fred, my daughter Gigi, her husband Warren, my son Todd, his girlfriend Norah, and… then there’s Midge.
Midge: We’ve spoken!
Elsa: We certainly have!
Olivia: Elsa, I just want to thank you for making this experience so wonderful. I know I’ve said it before, but I feel so free getting this book out into the world, and I truly felt as if I had a partner in this whole experience who respects me and wants the best for me.
Elsa: It’s been an honor and a privilege. You’re a remarkable woman who’s lived a remarkable life. To spend the better part of the last year communicating with you about this book and how to help share your story, it’s been so fulfilling. Now, the event is in about three hours so I think we should get out of here so you’ve all got time to prepare for it.
Olivia: This is a whole new chapter for me, I just feel so giddy, so excited for it to be out. This is the beginning of a whole new chapter for me.
Gigi: Mum, that was a terrible pun.
Olivia: I know.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
