The group is at the airport in Norway.
Sam: Garry, may I ask why you’re wearing a jacket?
Garry: We’re in Norway, it’s cold here!
Sam: It’s Summer, Garry. It’s seventy degrees out.
Diane: Hey, that’s cold for some of us.
Charlotte: Who? My god, that’s a summer scorcher in London!
Sam: This is how we won the war. They can’t even handle seventy degrees!
Jacqueline: And yet, we still gave the world The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, half of Fleetwood Mac…
Sam: And that has what to do with the American Revolution?
Jacqueline: Nothing, I just wanted to point out that our heat intolerance hasn’t stopped us from dominating culture.
Frances: “Dominating” is taking it too far.
Leslie: What an inane conversation.
Carly: I told him not to wear the jacket.
Garry: Again with the jacket?
Carly: It looks silly, I don’t want blame for it.
Garry: You said it looked good when I bought it!
Carly: It looks good in the context of being worn in winter. In the summer, it looks silly.
Leslie: This has been an enlightening conversation, but can we please go to the hotel now?
Sam: Why so hasty?
Leslie: I’ll be honest, as much as I enjoy getting to see all of Europe, these flights are taking a toll on me. I’m beat.
Melanie: I’ve flown more in this past month and a half than I have in all my years combined.
Diane: It’s not just the flights, we’re on the move all day every day.
Frances: We know we’re unlikely to see all of these places again, we might as well enjoy them while we’re her.
Garry: When in Rome!
Melanie: Don’t remind me of Rome! Two weeks of puking my guts out…
Jacqueline: I don’t want to be reminded, either. Keeping that hotel room booked for all that extra time cost this network a ton of money!
Sam: See, you looking at life in this way is why no one likes you.
Leslie: Sam!
Sam: I tell it like it is.
Charlotte: Notice how she only says that after saying something awful and cruel.
Sam: The world is awful and cruel, Charlotte.
Frances: I think we should grab our bags and go before Leslie collapses.
Leslie: Thank you. I’m beat.
Ten minutes later…
Sam: This is the only car they had?
Diane: Do you think I’m dumb or something?
Frances: It’s a van. One of those unmarked vans that murderers drive.
Diane: I’m aware.
Leslie: Jacqueline took the only other car.
Sam: Well, I’m not driving with her.
Leslie: Good, because she’s already taken off.
Garry: This is why we should make reservations.
Melanie: I don’t think this is so bad! We can all fit in here.
Carly: All eight of us? And our luggage?
Melanie: It’s a big van!
Carly: Good thing my mother took the children home with her, they’d never fit in here too.
Diane: I think this will be a wonderful bonding experience.
Sam: I’m driving.
Leslie: You want to take the brunt of the work? Fine by all of us.
Garry: I was actually ho-
Sam: Nope. Sammy’s taking the wheel.
Diane: All right, everyone in!
Twenty minutes later…
Diane: Sam, watch out!
Sam: That guy is driving like an id-
Leslie: Watch out!
Frances: Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Carly: I didn’t know you were Catholic.
Frances: I’m not, but it can’t hurt.
The van is run off the road by another car and crashes into a guardrail.
Garry: Ahhhhhhh!
Sam: Garry, shut up.
Diane: He could be hurt!
Sam: We got into a fender-bender.
Charlotte: I did hit my head on the side of the van, so he could be hurt.
Carly: He’s fine.
Garry: That was just scary!
Diane: It’s a bit more than a fender-bender, Sam. We’re in the grass.
Sam: Oh no, not the grass!
Diane: Why do I talk?
Frances: I have a question, if it’s okay to talk.
Sam: It’s not.
Leslie: It is, go ahead.
Frances: It’s really a question for Sam, and I’m afraid to ask her at this point. She’s a bit tense.
Sam: I just got ran off the road, excuse me for not being chipper as a kindergarten teacher.
Carly: My neighbor growing up was a kindergarten teacher, she was really mean.
Diane: So maybe Sam is like a kindergarten teacher!
Sam: Very funny!
Leslie: Frances, what was your question?
Frances: Oh, nothing, just silly nonsense. I was wondering how we’re getting out of here.
Sam: Why is everyone talking?
Diane: We’re concerned.
Charlotte: Is that blood on my hand?
Sam: Stop being a drama queen!
Carly: Oh my god!
Melanie: What’s wrong?
Carly: I just remembered the vase I bought in Spain. It better not have been broken!
Melanie: Not be be rude, but that was not worth an “oh my god.”
Sam: Can everyone shut up and let me think?
Garry: I apologize, I’m just a bit panicked. I’ve never been in a car accident before.
Sam: Oh, I have.
Frances: Why am I not surprised?
Diane: Of all the days for you to volunteer to drive, why’d it have to be this one?
Sam: What are you implying?
Diane: That any of the rest of us driving would have kept us from crashing, because you were speeding.
Sam: That’s not… that’s not true.
Leslie: The speed wasn’t the problem, it was the guy running us off the road.
Diane: If we were driving slower, we wouldn’t have been here at the same time that car came flying by and we wouldn’t have been run off the road.
Sam: Thank you, Nostradamus. I’m so glad you can predict the future.
Frances: I’m still waiting for answers on how we’re getting out of the grassy knoll.
Sam: We’ll just drive out.
Frances: How are we gonna -
Sam: Like that.
Frances: Sorry for doubting you.
Twenty minutes later…
Jacqueline: My god! What have you done to the van?
Sam: Why do you act as if it’s our fault?
Jacqueline: Well, it wasn’t mine!
Diane: Honestly, if you hadn’t taken the only other car, this wouldn’t have happened.
Jacqueline: What exactly did happen?
Leslie: Some ignorant jackass ran us off the road. It wasn’t Sam’s fault.
Jacqueline: Why did you not call the police?
Sam: Jacqueline, do you know the number of the Norwegian police?
Jacqueline: You could have looked it up.
Sam: We were more concerned with getting out of a grassy rut.
Diane: Not to mention, you know… we were speeding.
Sam: Shut up!
Diane: It’s true!
Sam: It is not! I was driving with the flow of traffic.
Melanie: I’m not sure that’s true.
Sam: Not you too!
Melanie: All I’m saying is there was some fault on both sides.
Sam: Traitor!
Frances: Don’t say that around Diane, she’ll start singing the damn song!
Carly: You say that as if she didn’t just make us listen to something called “Chaperone” on the entire drive here. She’s been torturing us with music all day.
Diane: It’s Chappell Roan, and she opened up for Olivia Rodrigo when I went to see her in concert.
Frances: All I know is my life flashed before my eyes and I thought I was gonna go out while something called “Hot to Go” played on Diane’s cell phone.
Diane: It’s a catchy song.
Sam: On second thought, I think she was dancing in her seat. That may have distracted me a bit, even she’s more to blame for this than me.
Leslie: Why are we still playing the blame game? It’s over, it’s done, no need for this.
Jacqueline: The damage to the car isn’t done.
Charlotte: Hey, my head feels wet.
Jacqueline: Oh my god, Charlotte! You’re bleeding! All of you need to get to a hospital and get checked out.
Sam: All of us?
Frances: This is quite a change of tune from yelling at us about the car being damaged.
Jacqueline: I’m still unhappy about the car’s damage, and the network will be on the hook for those repairs, but it just hit me that you were all in a car accident. I’d rather have us on the hook for vehicle repair costs than for anything happening to any of you because you didn’t get checked out.
Charlotte: It;’s just a scratch on my forehead, I don’t think those are usually fatal.
Sam: I don’t know, I read about a guy who almost di-
Charlotte: Not helpful.
Jacqueline: I can’t force any of you to go to a hospital to be examined, but I know that there can be medical crises that happen in these sort of accidents where you don’t know anything happened internally until it’s too late. I’d be much more comfortable if you took the safe route.
Leslie: I feel absolutely fine. The car only crashed into a guardrail and then went down into a grassy ditch, it’s not like it was a head-on collision. We’ll be fine.
Jacqueline: How do you explain Charlotte’s head then?
Charlotte: I haven’t had any complaints.
Carly: Ha, good one!
Sam: She hit her head on the side of the van and scraped it. Have you never hit your head on something before? Did you always go to the hospital?
Jacqueline: I’m just concerned about your health!
Diane: Is it that, or are you trying to cover the network’s bases?
Sam: We all know it’s that.
Jacqueline: Is it so hard to comprehend that I’m a human being with feelings and I just want my fellow humans to be healthy and safe?
Sam: Frankly, yeah.
Jacqueline: Is that what you think of me?
Sam: You’re a bit robotic, I don’t believe you have feelings beyond needing to improve the network’s bottom line.
Jacqueline: Admittedly, I am concerned about the legal implications if something happens to any of you as a result of this, but I also want you all safe.
Diane: We’re fine, really.
Frances: And Diane is our resident expert on car accidents, so if she says we’re fine, we’re fine.
Diane: I’ve only had one car accident, and I just hit a stop sign because I was swerving to save a squirrel!
Garry: Did you save it?
Diane: Yes. I’m a humanitarian. I gave life that day, even if my Honda Accord was harmed in the process.
Frances: I was referring to, you know… your husband, and the bridge…
Diane: Oh! That bastard!
Jacqueline: What happened to her husband?
Sam: The son of a bitch was cheating on her and drove right off the bridge with his mistress in the car on their way to a romantic weekend. He claimed it was a work trip!
Jacqueline: That’s horrible!
Diane: I thought so at first, but in due time, I now think it’s hilarious. Karma’s a bitch.
Jacqueline: I’m the one who’s cold and unfeeling?
Sam: She may be cold, but “unfeeling” is pushing it. Joy and schadenfreude are both feelings.
Carly: Can we go check in now?
Leslie: Yeah, despite all this excitement of the last hour or so, I’m still beat and need to relax. In fact, this has only exhausted me more.
Sam: I’m tired of talking about it, too. Let’s go check in.
Jacqueline: You’re already all checked in. That’s the perk of traveling with me!
Sam: Glad there’s one, at least.
Later that night…
Diane: Sam…
Sam: What is it, Diane?
Diane: I don’t feel well
Sam: So?
Diane: I think I’m dying.
Sam: Oh my god! Diane!
Diane: What Jacqueline was saying earlier is weighing on my mind. What if something happened in that car accident? What if I hit my head too hard and now I’ve got a brain bleed?
Sam: Do you have any reason to suspect you do?
Diane: I have a headache.
Sam: You have those a lot. Most people have ‘em from time to time.
Diane: This is different. I think this is because of that crash.
Sam: Good thing you haven’t signed the liability waiver then.
Diane: I’m serious! I’m scared!
Sam: It’s ten o’clock. I’m flossing.
Diane: I’m afraid to go to sleep. What if I don’t wake up? I’m so young, I have so much life ahead!
Sam: Are you?
Diane: Stop!
Sam: Don’t whine. What do you want to do about it? Take an Advil, that’d be my advice.
Diane: I want to go to the hospital.
Sam: You’re joking!
Diane: No, I want to be safe.
Sam: For a headache? How bad is it?
Diane: It’s just sort of a dull, irritating feeling.
Sam sighs.
Sam: Fine. Let me change.
Diane: I think I need to go now.
Sam: I’m in my pajamas.
Diane: This is my life one the line.
Sam: Two minutes.
Diane: All right, but if something happens -
Sam: It won’t.
Diane: I should tell the others, they all need to know.
Sam: Do not bug anyone else with this.
Ten minutes later…
Garry: It’s so nice to be back in the car together. Here I was, thinking this wouldn’t happen again until tomorrow.
Charlotte: I, personally, enjoyed rolling out of bed for this.
Leslie: I just got to sleep not even a half-hour ago.
Frances: Just be careful with the driving, Sam. The car’s banged up enough.
Sam: I’m not some sort of reckless driver!
Melanie: Of course not!
Diane: I’m sorry, everyone. I just thought it was important we all go to the hospital, make sure nothing’s wrong.
Charlotte: I really think it’s just a regular headache and not death creeping in, but if you want to be safe, that’s fine.
Frances: This is all Jacqueline’s fault. She got in Diane’s head.
Sam: Trust me, everyone, I’d much rather that we were all getting some rest ahead of tomorrow’s big day of eating krumkake and rosettes, but
Frances: I wasn’t resting at all, I was in bed watching Frozen. Did you guys know it was based on Norway?
Diane: Oh, I love Frozen!
Sam: No, we’re not talking about Frozen.
Leslie: I’m still upset Disney took away the Norway boat ride in Disney World and made it into Frozen.
Sam: Good god, I’m in hell.
Charlotte: Some would say you’re on the Norway to Hell.
Carly: How long until the hospital? I’m gonna take some time to nap.
Sam: Wish I could do the same!
Two hours later…
Sam: All right, everyone, good news!
Frances: That would be a first.
Sam: Diane is fine. They did a brain scan, nothing is wrong. I told them about the accident, they said if it was just a minor incident, and none of us have any symptoms of distress five hours later, there’s no reason for concern. They actually said the stress of the crash is likely the cause of Diane’s headache. She’s on her way out, they’re just giving her some medication for the headache before they send her on her way.
Charlotte: What about the scratch on my head, that fatal?
Melanie: I barely even see it anymore.
Charlotte: Neosporin is incredible stuff.
Leslie: I’m glad we’re all out of the clear, but I really am gonna miss those precious few hours of sleep that I’ve lost.
Garry: Early day tomorrow, I guess we should get to bed.
Carly: Well, I’ve rested wonderfully.
Leslie: Good for you. You don’t have work tomorrow.
Carly: The life of a trophy wife is incredible.
Frances: Honestly, so is the life of people that get to eat donuts and cookies for a living.
Leslie: It’s not gonna feel so incredible when we have to get up tomorrow!
Sam: I think we all should give Jacqueline a piece of our mind over this.
Leslie: That seems reasonable to me.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
