Olivia is on the phone with Elsa.
Elsa: That last chapter was great, Olivia! It’s really coming together!
Olivia: You don’t know the half of it! I’ve finally gotten into the juiciest parts of the story, it’s just flowing out of me at this point. I’ve written another hundred pages! I never knew I had so much to get off my chest!
Elsa: Sounds like I’ll have a lot of editing to do once you send it to me.
Olivia: Editing?
Elsa: You don’t think I can just print everything, do you? It has to be trimmed down a bit.
Olivia: Without asking me?
Elsa: The changes aren’t anything major, just trimming down on excess words and fixing run-on sentences.
Olivia: I don’t use run-on sentences in my writing.
Elsa: Hey, don’t be upset about it, even veteran authors need an editor to help them out. There’s no shame in it whatsoever. A lot of what gets cut is interesting, but keeping it concise is the goal. It’s like editing a movie. There’s a lot more that they film than what actually goes into it.
Olivia: But why would I write anything that I done’t think people who want to read?
Elsa: I’ll tell you what, I will send you a list of all the edits I plan to make and give you the final word on whether they’re made. Sound good?
Olivia: Sounds great! I’m almost done, so we’ll get to do that soon.
Elsa: I can’t believe you’re almost done, I remember when I first contacted you to write this book. It’s gone by so fast.
Olivia: Speak for yourself! Never in my life have I felt so frustrated with myself as I did every night I couldn’t figure out what to write.
Elsa: That’s natural, don’t worry about it. Like I said, you have all the time in the world to finish this book. I want it told in a way that leaves you happy with it.
Olivia: That’s not how I operate. If I’m given a job to do, I have to finish it as quickly as I can. I’m efficient.
Elsa: I’m like that, too. Just don’t rush yourself, though. The book will feel far more natural if you take a gentle pace.
Olivia: Too late for that, I’m practically caught up to the present!
Elsa: I trust your judgment, everything that I’ve read thus far is top-notch. I’ll let you go now, let you get back to writing or any royal duties you may have.
Olivia: It’s almost nine over here, no royal duties to be done now. I would like to get some writing done, though. I have so much filtering through my head right now, I feel like I’m back in 2005. To be honest, it’s got me annoyed with my family all over again.
Elsa: Oh no!
Olivia: I’m always annoyed with them, so this is nothing new. No need for you to worry.
Elsa: I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond to that, so I’ll just say I’m happy for you.
Olivia: Good response!
Elsa: All right, I’ll talk to you soon. Good luck with your writing!
Olivia: Thank you, I will need all the luck I can get.
The next morning…
Fred: Olivia! Look at this!
Olivia: It’s too early for you to be this excited.
Fred: It’s the Daily Mail!
Olivia: Nope! It’s six in the morning, I’m not going to think about the Daily Fail at such a time.
Fred: “Heir Not-So-Apparent? King’s Bastard Son Speaks Out.”
Olivia: I’m intrigued.
Fred: Do you know anything about this?
Olivia: Does my face suggest that I know anything about it?
Fred: Well, it’s just so bizarre, surely it would have been rumored before if it were true.
Olivia: Look at the source. It is obviously not true.
Fred: Surely they have to be telling the truth sometimes?
Olivia: I’ve yet to see it.
Fred: It’s a fun story anyway.
Olivia: Do you think Claude knows about it yet?
Fred: I think Claude knows everything that happens in this country.
Olivia: I’d hope they keep this tabloid nonsense away from him. I want to be the one to tell him!
Fred: I thought you were going to take that to a different place.
Olivia: You thought I was going to be nice? Big mistake. Now, I’m going back to sleep. I have a late schedule today, no need to be up so early.
Fred: You don’t want to hear about the bastard?
Olivia: Not particularly. It’s an obvious fabrication.
Fred: He’s Australian, Olivia! Like Steve Irwin and the Barbie lady!
Olivia: That’s nice.
Fred: He says he was born two years before Claud married Christine, and claims his mother is Claude’s ex-girlfriend from before he met Christine, who he abandoned after he met Christine.
Olivia: That’s how I know he’s a liar for certain. Claude didn’t have a girlfriend directly before Christine, he was depressed and single. Not to mention, they dated for four years before they got married.
Fred: Wow, I can’t believe the Daily Mail would run a fake story.
Olivia: As much as I’d like to rub this in Claude’s face, I can’t imagine this becoming any sort of scandal for him. It’s so obviously fake.
Fred: There are so many idiots in this world, I won’t take anything for granted.
Later, at Buckingham Palace…
Eleanor: Claude, have you see this?
Claude: Seen what, mother? You have to actually show me what it is you’re asking if I’ve seen if you’re looking for an honest answer.
Eleanor: This story in the paper.
Claude: King’s Bastard Son Speaks Out? No, I’ve not seen it and I don’t wish to pay it any further mind.
Mandy: Claude! I didn’t know you got around like that! Good for you!
Claude: It’s not true!
Eleanor: Of course it’s no true! That doesn’t mean it’s not an issue.
Claude: It’s no issue. Who could ever believe it?
Eleanor: Plenty of people trust The Daily Mail, they’ll buy it.
Claude: Can I read the story?
Eleanor: Here, read away.
Claude: Oh my god, he’s Australian? I don’t know if they’ve noticed, but I am not.
Eleanor: I believe the implication is that his mother moved there because we forced her to in order to keep this entire thing a secret.
Claude: I’ve never met this woman!
Eleanor: There’s a picture of you with her.
Claude: Do we look like romantic partners to you? This is a young woman posing with the Queen’s son that she happened to meet during a royal visit. Nothing more.
Christine: Claude?!?
Eleanor: Try explaining that to her.
Claude: What, my love?
Christine: Secret love child?
Claude: It’s a phony story from someone who clearly just wants money or attention to some combination of the two.
Christine: It had better be phony! He was born two years after we started dating!
Mandy: That doesn’t mean he cheated, it could have just been a very long pregnancy.
Claude: Mother… could you deal with her?
Eleanor: I know she’s annoying, but I’m not ordering a hit on her.
Claude: Just take her away please.
Eleanor: Ethan!
Claude: What are you calling him in for?
Eleanor: Are you kidding? I don’t want to miss this!
Ethan: What’s going on in here?
Christine: I’m still waiting on an explanation for today’s Daily Mail story.
Ethan: They’re always unexplainable.
Christine: Have you not seen the headline?
Ethan: I avoid such silliness so early in the day.
Claude: What are you doing here so early, anyway? It’s breakfast time.
Ethan: Mum asked me to stop by and help her set up her new phone.
Claude: I could’ve called Nathan down, it’s not like he’s got anything going on!
Eleanor: Don’t be silly, Nathan’s very busy! He’s got… a wife, and… now that I think of it, he’s got a clear schedule. Either way, Ethan’s very technologically savvy, he’ll get this up and running. That’s not the important thing, though. What’s important is you talking to your wife about this news story.
Ethan: What’s the story?
Mandy: Claude’s got a bastard!
Eleanor: Ethan, take her to bed.
Ethan: This was never my job before.
Eleanor: Exactly, time to pick up the slack.
Claude: Would you all mind allowing me to discuss this with my wife in private?
Christine: In private? My god, it is true! You don’t call for privacy when you’re innocent!
Eleanor: I’m not going anywhere, this is my house.
Claude: It’s mine.
Eleanor: We’ll see about that.
Ethan: Technically it’s not the private property of either of y-
Eleanor: Ethan!
Ethan: Come on, Mandy, let’s go for a walk!
Mandy: I hate walks!
Christine: She’s feisty today.
Eleanor: I hate when she acts this way. Someone has to give her a pill or something.
Claude: Christine, my love, this man is not my son. I did not cheat on you, this is just someone looking for clout and attention. It’s not like it’s coming from a terribly reputable source, either.
Christine: I can tell when you’re lying. You’re not lying.
Eleanor: This resolved nicely, how sweet. So, what do we do about this story?
Claude: It’s nothing, not even worth addressing. That could only make it worse.
Christine: The story says he wants to take his “rightful place” in our family. You really trust the media not to give this man a platform?
Claude: No trusted outlet is going to touch this story or even come anywhere near it. He’s an obvious grifter.
Eleanor: I don’t know, sonny boy, a delusional man trying to work his way into the line of succession may be a headache for us down the line.
Claude: I’m not worried about it. The only problem I foresee coming out of this is Olivia teasing me about it. I can live with that.
Christine: Don’t come crying to me when she says something really mean!
Eleanor: Don’t worry, you can cry to me. I’ll put her in her place.
Ethan: Sure you will.
One week later…
Todd: What is this family meeting about? Norah and I had plans.
Meredith: This is my first Royal Family meeting! Am I part of the family now?
Selina: No, you were just in the car with Todd when he was contacted last-minute and we allowed you to come in out of the goodness of our hearts.
Gigi: I bet this is about our new cousin!
Eleanor: You don’t have a new cousin!
Gigi: That’s not what the media claims!
Eleanor: The media lies!
Gigi: Don’t believe you’re lying eyes!
Eleanor: This man has no tangible evidence that Claude is his father.
Meredith: I agree, he looks nothing like him. Plus, he’s Australian! How does a British person have an Australian son?
Gigi: Oh my god… she’s in charge of our economy!
Meredith: Isn’t it great?
Claire: At least she’s not SuAnna Brackerton. Not only was she dumb, she was also pure evil.
Selina: At least she supported the monarchy.
Meredith: I’ve come around on all of you! You’re neat!
Arthur: For the love of god, someone tell us why we’re all here!
Todd: Yeah, I have somewhere to be!
Gigi: Go, and please take your mother-in-law with you!
Norah: Let’s face it, we probably don’t need to be here for whatever this is. No one really ever takes your advice.
Todd: Maybe today will be different!
Gigi: It will not be.
Claude: So, everyone who thought this was about the Drew Mackley situation is correct.
Olivia: Who the hell is that?
Claude: The man claiming to be my son.
Olivia: You named your son Drew? That’s not very royal of you.
Claude: He’s not my son!
Christine: Dear, don’t let her get to you.
Claude: I just can’t help myself sometimes.
Olivia: I love how easily I can get under your skin!
Claude: Anyhow, I need advice on how to handle this situation which has quickly become a crisis for us.
Ethan: Us?
Claude: Yes, us.
Ethan: You’re the only one he’s really slandering.
Arthur: Excuse me, he’s claiming to be the rightful heir to the throne. That endangers all of our positions.
Gigi: Arthur, don’t worry, you’ll still get to be king. No one’s taking it from you.
Arthur: You say that now, but -
Ethan: There’s no legitimate concern about him becoming king one day, even if Claude did father him. He’d still be an illegitimate bastard child, and they have always historically been excluded from the line of succession. Right, mother?
Eleanor: Why are you asking me, like I’m the expert on bastards?
Ethan: You know royal history better than anyone. You are royal history.
Eleanor: Ignoring that ageism, you are correct. Lord knows there have been plenty of bastard children over the last hundreds of years, and they have no claim to the throne. Only legitimate children born in wedlock have any right to rule.
Olivia: Besides, even if he did take your right to rule away… join the club.
Gigi: Yeah, you’d be just one of a dozen people in this room who won’t ever be the ruling monarch. Imagine the pain of knowing your younger cousin will be the monarch and you’re at something like twentieth place. We’re all doing perfectly fine in spite of that.
Claire: Still, it would raise so many questions.
Claude: He’s not my son! Nothing to worry about!
Claire: You need to prove it.
Claude: Why would I need to do that? He’s an obvious liar, he just wants to get on Strictly or something.
Gigi: I’m a Celebrity seems more his speed. Strictly’s a classy show.
Meredith: I’ve always wanted to do Strictly!
Claire: Don’t worry, the British public will make you available to do it in due time.
Claude: So does no one have helpful advice?
Ethan: If that’s what you were looking for, you called in the wrong people.
Norah: Just comply with a DNA test. If he allows it, he’ll be shown to be a fraud, if he shies away from it, he’ll… also show he’s a fraud. It’s a win-win for you.
Christine: This family can not be bullied into submitting to DNA tests any time random strangers con their way into an interview with Piers Morgan.
Gigi: And GB News!
Claire: Well, if GB News says it’s so… it isn’t.
Olivia: Claude, I think this is funny. It also distracts people from that time we tried to cover up Claire’s car crash and it made them all think we killed her. No one takes this seriously, just let it simmer.
Claude: You just want me to keep making fun of me over it!
Olivia: Admittedly, that is a benefit of this.
Claude: I’ll have someone write up a press release announcing that in order to shut down these phony rumors, I’m willing to undergo a DNA test if Drew Mackley is willing to comply. Ball’s in his court.
Eleanor: This is a bad idea.
Claude: What other option do I have?
Ethan: We could always send Midge on TV to defend you!
Eleanor: All right, do the DNA test.
Gigi: I’ll admit, I’m not entirely sure why this had to be a family-wide meeting.
Fred: I think it’s good for us to all come together and bond a bit. Relax, reminisce, debate whether the head of the family’s got an illegitimate child… fun.
Selina: I know you’re not -
Olivia: You be nice to my husband or I’ll punch you so hard, you end up in Ireland.
Selina: Ethan! She’s bullying me again!
Ethan: You brought it on yourself, dear.
Later that night, Olivia is on the phone with Elsa.
Elsa: Olivia! I know it’s late over there, I don’t mean to bother you.
Olivia: Elsa, I had to see my family today. In person, not even on Zoom. You are a welcome respite. What’s up?
Elsa: I just wanted to make sure I’m not missing a delivery of some of your chapters. Last we spoke, you said they’d be here by today. It’s no problem if you didn’t send them, I just don’t want your hard work to go missing.
Olivia: Oh, dear, I’m so sorry! I’ve been so distracted by this Claude son controversy that I haven’t been able to get any writing done. I’ll get on it tonight, the scandal’s starting to finally subside a bit.
Elsa: Oh, I heard about that! So he’s really got an illegitimate son? You should write about that in the book, that’d be something to talk about!
Olivia: It’s a fraud. Nevertheless, I will be writing about it in my book, because it is very funny.
Elsa: A fraud? Why is it getting so much attention then? I’ll never understand people who make up fake gossip, it’s so scummy.
Olivia: People live for that sort of nonsense. I find it terribly entertaining, but only when it’s about Claude. I enjoy mocking him, it gets under his skin.
Two days later…
Claude: All right, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The Palace has officially received a response from Drew Mackley!
Claire: What did he say?
Ethan: My god, you look like you’re about to learn whether or not you’re going to be executed.
Claire: I’m frightened, this man frightens me.
Olivia: Dear, he’s not going to take anything away from you. He’s a fraud, no matter how much I enjoy teasing Claude over it.
Claude: Finally she admits it.
Olivia: Do you think I’m delusional?
Claude: Yes!
Olivia: Well, I’m not. I know damn well he’s a fake, I just find it all entertaining.
Claire: I’m meant to be queen one day, I won’t allow anyone to take that from me!
Arthur: And I’m meant to be king, and I will be.
Eleanor: Exactly! This panic is unfounded, this man means nothing. You’re in no jeopardy.
Claude: Drew Mackley reached out an admitted to fabricating his story and apologized for the trouble he’s caused. It’s all over. He asked for leniency and for privacy. I’ve released the letter to the press, he’ll be rightfully seen as a fraud forever. No need for any concern.
Olivia: Aww, I’ll miss this little scandal. It was fun while it lasted.
Claire: Perhaps to you!
Olivia: To anyone with a sense of humor.
Eleanor: It was fairly comical with how much of a farce it was.
Olivia: This was the Monty Python of royal scandals and it had you two in tears. You need to lighten up a bit in preparation for that inevitable reign. This nonsense will always hit us, it’s just in the nature of the job.
Claude: Having a sister who plays into all of the nonsense, however, is just an added bonus.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
