Bake Your Heart Out Season 6 Episode 6
The group is at a cafe for breakfast.
Sam: So, let me get this straight… we’re in a different country right now than we were in London, but also, not really?
Charlotte: Yes.
Sam: That’s so stupid.
Leslie: Let’s not say that during the taping today, okay?
Sam: I’m just so confused. So Scotland is a country, but it’s in the UK, and the UK is also a country. Huh?
Charlotte: Don’t worry about it too much, it’s not for you to make sense of.
Sam: See, you saying that just adds to the confusion.
Charlotte: I’m aware, that’s why I said it.
Garry: When are we going to see the Loch Ness Monster?
Sam: We see Jacqueline every day.
Jacqueline: I’m not bloody Scottish!
Sam: Close enough!
Leslie: This is gonna be a long week.
Frances: Every week is a long week.
Diane: For what it’s worth, I’m having fun.
Garry: So am I!
Frances: The world could be falling apart around you and you’d both still be having fun. It’s like working with Pollyanna.
Garry: You think that’s an insult, but I say it’s a compliment!
Frances: Well, it’s not, but you’re allowed to feel otherwise.
Melanie: I’m so tired.
Frances: When did you get to sleep last night?
Melanie: Two?
Frances: Well, that’d be why.
Diane: Why were you up at two?
Melanie: I was at the hotel pub.
Diane: Why?
Melanie: Drowning my sorrows. I got a call from home, one of my old roommates from college died. It got me thinking about mortality and the fragility of life.
Frances: Take it from me, Melanie: you are a child yet. You have so much of your life still ahead of you, you have nothing to worry about.
Melanie: She was the same age as me, then gone from cancer.
Frances: And that’s horrible, and you’ve got every right to be sad, but that sort of loss is still very rare. There’s no reason to expect it’ll happen to you, so don’t worry about it.
Diane: Yeah, it’s a tragedy when it happens, but you can’t live in fear. I’m a cancer survivor, it was the hardest experience of my life, and I didn’t know if I was going to live. However, I can’t waste the time I’ve been given panicking about it coming back. You shouldn’t worry about it, either.
Sam: Well, that was deep.
Melanie: Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t want to bother you guys about any of this.
Garry: It’s not a bother, sometimes we need to get things off our chest.
Sam: Don’t get any ideas.
Leslie: I guess we’d better get on our way, we have a busy day today.
Sam: Someone isn’t done with her bagel yet.
Diane: Don’t blame me, I was just talking with friends, as you do at breakfast.
Sam: No, you eat at breakfast. I myself was able to complete a “Full Scottish Breakfast” in the amount of time it took you to eat a bagel and one egg.
Diane: I don’t shovel my food. I eat at a leisurely pace, I want to enjoy it, to savor it.
Sam: It’s a bagel, what is there to savor? We’ve all eaten many bagels before, they usually taste better when they’re nice and warm instead of cold and stale.
Charlotte: Are we really arguing about bagels now?
Sam: She’s the one to blame!
Diane: I’m not gonna argue over this any more.
Jacqueline: Do these two even like each other?
Sam: Are you kidding? We’re practically sisters! This is what sisters do, they bicker over nothing then act like it didn’t happen. Not surprising that you don’t know how close friends act with one another, who would ever want to be your friend?
Jacqueline: That was very mean.
Frances: I couldn’t get a single word in, but I wanted to say that I’m not sure why we’re so worried about getting out of here to begin with, all we have to film today is the grand challenge and we’re out. We’ve had much busier days.
Jacqueline: Leslie, did you not tell them?
Leslie: I find it easier to wait to tell them about things they may not want to do. It gives them less time to prepare a plan for rebellion. They don’t look it, but they’re a crafty bunch.
Diane: What do we have to rebel against?
Jacqueline: Just tell them.
Sam: Yes, just tell us.
Leslie: The network booked us on Good Morning, Scotland to help us promote the show here. They’re apparently underwhelmed with our promo thus far.
Diane: Underwhelmed? We’ve been working our tails off!
Frances: Have we? This is the first interview they’re asking us to do.
Charlotte: Yeah, but remember when they made us act like we were in the Running of the Bulls for our promo in Spain? That was a lot of tough work.
Jacqueline: If you could all just spare an hour or so from your day, I think we’d all be very happy with that. I must remind you, it is in your contracts that you’ll do promotional efforts.
Sam: It may surprise you all, but this doesn’t bother me much. It’s only taking some time out of our exploration of Scotland. What is there to see in Scotland? The castle from The Traitors?
Garry: Uh, Nessy!
Sam: She isn’t real, Garry!
Garry: She is to me.
Frances: All right, it’s getting a bit worrisome now.
Melanie: Even my daughter knows the Loch Ness Monster isn’t real, and she’s ten years old.
Garry: Would all of those people lie about having seen her?
Charlotte: Yes!
Leslie: All right, I’m going. You guys can follow me or not, it doesn’t matter to me.
Frances: She seems annoyed.
Sam: I can’t blame her, we’re annoying.
Later that day, on the set…
Diane: Alex, your Ecclefechan tarts wowed the judges, and tasted as if you’ve been making them your entire life. Your twist on a Dundee cake was also top-notch, converting Frances to a fan of a dessert she’s long been weary of.
Sam: Frank, your Dundee cake was another highlight of the night, while your Tipsy Laird was just the fruity, flavorful punch the judges were hoping for.
Diane: And Marcus, your Tipsy Laird went above and beyond, and Frances said it was the best one she had ever tasted.
Sam: Only one of you can be top baker this week, and that person is… Alex!
Diane: Congratulations Alex on your first win of the season.
Sam: Now for the part that we like significantly less.
Diane: Andrea, the judges felt as if you struggled to elevate your Dundee cake into anything grand, and it was just a bit too bland. However, you had one of the best Tipsy Lairds of the night, and it was the saving grace. You’re safe.
Sam: Mellie, the judges struggled to taste the whisky in your Tipsy Laird, and your Ecclefechan tarts ware underbaked. However, they were impressed by your Dundee cake, which was moist and nutty.
Diane: Quincy, you’ve been a bright spot this season, but you know yourself that tonight was not your night. Your Ecclefechan tarts were burnt, your Dundee cake was dry, and your Tipsy Laird was soupy. It seemed as if every force was working against you this week. Sadly, you are heading home tonight.
Sam: It’s been a pleasure having you Quincy, thank you for sharing your baking with us and the world!
Diane: For Bake Your Heart Out, we’re Diane and Sam -
Sam: Sam and Diane!
Diane: thank you for watching, and join us next week in Norway!
Leslie: That’s a wrap! Gang, let’s get out of here. We have an interview to get to!
Sam: Now? We can’t change?
Leslie: We’re running late, we gotta go!
Frances: We all look fine, don’t whine.
Sam: There’s a stain on my shirt from when some of that custard thing dropped on it.
Frances: No one will notice, it’s a daytime talk show.
Sam: If people make fun of me for this -
Frances: Your reputation will be tarnished in Scotland? What ever will you do?
Sam: Fine, I’ll go like this. It’s a sacrifice I can make for my pals.
Leslie: Just go change quick. Just the top.
Sam: Thank you!
Charlotte: And I was told I was the diva about fashion!
One hour later…
Fiona MacLeod (Good Morning, Scotland host): Many very famous people are outspoken fans of your show! It’s been said that the King himself is a huge fan and watches every week.
Sam: The king? What does he do, put on a funny hat with jewels on it and sit on an expensive seat? I’m a little more wowed by Tom Cruise being a fan, Tom Cruise had to work to get here he is, it didn’t just fall into his lap. The king, he only got his job because of you his parents are. Sort of a nepo baby, no?
Fiona: Okay, moving on…
Diane: We love the king, we’re so glad he tunes in! Yass, king!
Frances: Oh my god, I’m in hell.
Diane: I think really, we appreciate all of our fans and, uh, it’s just an honor to be welcomed into so many homes around the world.
Sam: Yeah, but I don’t think it’s more of an honor that the king tunes in than it is for any everyday person here in Scotland to watch. He’s just a guy.
Ten minutes later…
Jacqueline: He’s just a guy?
Sam: Huh?
Jacqueline: What you said about our king! He’s “just a guy!” How bloody dare you?
Sam: You’re upset about that? Come on, don’t be so sensitive.
Jacqueline: I’m not sensitive, the man is to be revered, respected, honored!
Sam: I don’t know if you know this, but I’m from America. We fought a war so we would never have to revere any king.
Jacqueline: Leslie, do you have anything to say about this?
Leslie: I’m supposed to be mad, right?
Jacqueline: This is going to destroy any positive press you worked up in the UK on this trip. The BBC might not even air it anymore unless you apologize!
Sam: Oh no, not the BBC!
Jacqueline: The UK is a massive market for this show, and the BBC is the only network that shows it in this nation.
Sam: Good thing we still have the United States.
Charlotte: I think this is overblown, she made one joke that people may be upset by, she didn’t try to shoot him.
Jacqueline: Don’t even say that!
Leslie: Jacqueline, do you remember what we said about you trying to take charge of this show?
Jacqueline: I’m doing my duty as a Brit.
Diane: Oh, shut the hell up!
Frances: Wow, okay Diane!
Diane: I’m standing here listening to her berate Sam for daring to make a joke. She’s a comedian! I know you all worship your king over here, but we are allowed to make jokes. Stop acting like she committed a crime for Christ’s sake.
Sam: Thank you!
Diane: Maybe I’m a little moody because I wasn’t allowed to eat any of the desserts this week, but I thought she really deserved it.
Jacqueline: You all can live in fantasy world, but I’m going to go and ask if that part can be cut from the interview before it airs tomorrow.
Leslie: That’s unnecessary.
Jacqueline: If there’s a swift backlash, and I expect there will be, this will be detrimental to the company’s bottom line. This is exactly in my job parameters under any definition. I’m doing it, no one’s stopping me.
Sam: If it’ll shut you up, go ahead.
The next morning…
Sam: Why is everyone in this damn restaurant looking at me like that?
Diane: Well, that portion of the interview clearly aired.
Leslie: I think, perhaps, Jacqueline was right.
Melanie: That can’t be, she’s never right, or so I’m told.
Frances: You’d be mostly right, but I did just search Sam’s name and the Daily Mail is reporting on the story. She’s getting dragged on Twitter, too.
Garry: I think it’s X now.
Sam: You would say that.
Garry: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sam: Figure it out.
Leslie: Yeah, I’m seeing some outrage, too. I think Jacqueline really is right.
Sam: I can’t say I care.
Leslie: Oh, wow, look at this… Charlotte, they’re dragging you, too.
Charlotte: What? I didn’t say anything!
Leslie: That’s the problem, they say that as a Brit, you should have jumped in to denounce her.
Charlotte: These people are nuts!
Garry: I don’t get why people care so much!
Frances: Charlotte, didn’t you get some sort of medal from the king? Maybe these people think that means you should always jump in to defend him.
Charlotte: I’m a CBE, yes. Commander of the British Empire. I have a little medal thing that I got with it. That doesn’t mean I’m his defense attorney, I think he can handle being on the receiving end of a joke by an American comic.
Frances: This one journalist thinks you should be stripped of your medal.
Charlotte: These are not serious individuals.
Frances: No, but they’re loud ones.
Sam: So what are we supposed to do?
Leslie: No reasonable person will remember this in a while, just try not to insult any other members of the Royal Family in the meantime.
Sam: That’s a shame, I had some thoughts about Princess Anne that I was just dying to unleash!
Later that day, Leslie receives a call.
Paul: Leslie!
Leslie: We’re going to Loch Ness, Paul, make it snappy. This is, I believe, the greatest day of Garry’s life.
Paul: What is your crew doing over there?
Leslie: Oh, we’re filming a hit show! It’s called Bake Your Heart Out, ever hear of it?
Paul: Be serious.
Leslie: I assume your calling about her majesty insulting His Majesty?
Paul: There are three petitions right now floating around over this, one to try to get the BBC to stop airing Bake Your Heart Out, another to fire Sam from the show, and another to strip Charlotte of some… thing I don’t know the name of.
Leslie: People need to get lives.
Paul: The BBC petition has over 75,000 signatures.
Leslie: Are there even that many people in this country?
Paul: Yes, and they’re very mad. Fix this!
Leslie: How do I fix it? Have her un-tell a joke?
Paul: She insulted a nation by degrading their leader.
Leslie: If someone said that about the president, half the country would worship her.
Paul: And the other half would revile her. It’s always tricky to make comments like that, people try to tear you down over it.
Leslie: So, you didn’t answer my question. How do I fix it?
Paul: I’ve set up an interview opportunity on the BBC for later today. You don’t have to go to London, it can be done virtually. Just have them apologize for insulting the country and the king.
Leslie: This is Sam.
Paul: You’re capable of reeling her in and taming her.
Leslie: You give me far too much credit.
Paul: Just get it done.
Leslie: Fine. Talk to you later.
Paul: Wait! I didn’t tell you when the interview is!
Leslie: Okay, when is it?
Paul: Six PM your time.
Leslie: Cool, bye!
Leslie hangs up.
Leslie: All right, gang. I have news.
Melanie: I’m scared.
Leslie: Yeah, you should be. Garry, we’re not going to Loch Ness today.
Garry: What the hell?
Leslie: I’m sorry.
Diane: Did they close the loch?
Sam: I hope so.
Leslie: Sam, Charlotte, Paul set up an interview for you on the BBC to clarify your comments from yesterday. There’s some intense backlash that can hurt the future of our show, so let’s just try to patch things up and we can move on.
Sam: All right!
Leslie: Wow, you took that very calmly.
Sam: Anything to get past this idiocy.
Charlotte: I’m still waiting to hear what I said that was so offensive!
Frances: Again, it was the lack of saying something.
Charlotte: People anger me.
Garry: Can we go to Loch Ness tomorrow, then?
Leslie: Yes! Enough about it, god! We have real issues to get over, Garry!
Garry: Okay, that was mean.
Leslie: I’m sorry, Garry. Everything is just very annoying lately.
Charlotte: Imagine being us!
Later that day…
Esther Horvath (BBC anchor): The internet has been abuzz with outrage lately after the host of the popular series Bake Your Heart Out blasted the king in an interview in Scotland earlier today, while Oscar winner Charlotte Keen has also been attacked for not speaking out against her colleague’s criticism. Here to clarify just what went on are Sam Elwood and Charlotte Keen.
Charlotte: Great to be here, Esther!
Esther: So, do you care to clarify just what was said earlier?
Charlotte: Well, I will start. My colleague here is a comedian, she’s always cracking jokes. This was just another instance of that and I didn’t feel the need to chime in to condemn a dear friend for making a joke. I’m sorry some feel let down, but there was no malice intended on my part. I have deep respect for the king.
Sam: So, in the United States, we have something called freedom of speech, and no one is above being criticized, not even our leaders. I made some lighthearted remarks about a powerful man because I felt he’s fair game.
Melanie: What is she doing?
Leslie: I quit.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
