Leslie is at the airport on the phone with Paul.
Leslie: Paul, we’re about to get on our flight to Paris, so this’ll have to be quick.
Paul: I can be quick! I just wanted to call to congratulate the team on your huge ratings!
Leslie: What huge ratings?
Paul: Leslie, the show premiered last night.
Leslie: Oh, right!
Paul: I know you’re all a bit off with all this travel, I understand you not knowing.
Leslie: I should have known, Sam and Diane had to leave that museum to do a Zoom interview with Jimmy Kimmel.
Paul: You’d think being on the #1 show in America would make you the headlining guests, but I guess they discriminate against Zoom interviews.
Leslie: To be fair, they were on the same show as Caitlin Clark AND the dog that skateboards, so it was a stacked shows.
Paul: A dog that skateboards?
Leslie: Did you not watched the episode?
Paul: I’ll watch it soon, I’m a big Caitlin Clark fan.
Leslie: She’s the highlight for you?
Paul: She’s a generational talent.
Leslie: Is she the star of your most successful, profitable show?
Paul: We’re actually in talks with her for a new show, so… maybe!
Leslie: Our ratings, Paul! You never told me!
Paul: Oh, right! Up twenty-eight percent from last season’s premiere, notching the second-highest rating and highest viewership in the show’s run, barring the Super Bowl episode.
Leslie: That’s incredible! I think.
Paul: It is! It’s far ahead of House Party’s second season premiere on Tuesday. This is huge for us, you’re going to keep your title of number one.
Leslie: Thank the lord! I’m not incredibly competitive -
Paul: You are.
Leslie: However, the thought of losing that honor that I cherish so dearly to that absolute slop was really bringing my gears. I’m so glad things have turned around.
Paul: We promoted it hard, but I think this international concept has breathed new life into the show. I know we said this would be a special thing, but I think we need to consider keeping the traveling going.
Leslie: I’ll have to talk to my cast, and that’ll be for another day. Now, I have to go before I get left in Helsinki. You have a great day, Paul!
Paul: You as well! Enjoy Paris!
Leslie: I will! Oui oui!
Leslie runs to the rest of the group.
Leslie: I have great news!
Sam: So do I!
Leslie: You go first.
Sam: No, you!
Frances: Someone say something before they start calling us to board our flight!
Charlotte: She’s cranky today.
Frances: Well Sam is happy so someone needs to be the antagonist!
Diane: I know how this will sound, but… Sam, why are you happy?
Sam: I just spoke with Nicolle, she says she’s on her way to the airport and she’s going to fly into Paris tonight to spend the week with us!
Charlotte: Wow, I haven’t seen you this genuinely happy in months!
Sam: I haven’t seen her in months, so that’s part of it.
Diane: I’m happy for you, I know how much you miss her.
Sam: It’s been a long time.
Leslie: Think of how long it’s been for the rest of us.
Garry: Not all of us!
Leslie: Shut up, Garry!
Charlotte: I’m single by choice. When you’ve reached my level of fame, it’s so hard to find someone who wants to date you for you and not just because you’re a superstar.
Diane: Olivia Rodrigo actually has a very relatable song about that, it’s called Vampire.
Sam: Diane, stop.
Charlotte: It could be worse, she could be making us listen to the Chaperone woman again.
Diane: It’s Chappell Roan and she is a delight!
Charlotte: Sure.
Garry: We never did get to find out Leslie’s big news.
Leslie: Even I forgot I had news! I was just on the phone with Paul and he told me the ratings are in for the season premiere. It was our second-highest rating ever, up over twenty-five percent from last season!
Frances: That’s amazing!
Sam: That’s the Caitlin Clark effect!
Garry: She’s great, but what does she have to do with our show?
Diane: She was our lead-in on Jimmy Kimmel. He yapped with her for so long, we only got five minutes.
Sam: All we needed, it still got the eyes on us.
Charlotte: Technically, your lead-in was the skateboarding dog.
Garry: Do people really stay up late enough to watch those shows anymore?
Sam: Until eleven-thirty? Yeah…
Garry: I can’t do that anymore.
Sam: You act like you’re eighty!
Frances: There’s that Sam we all know and love! It just took Garry saying something silly to unlock her!
Garry: Do we really love her like this?
Diane: It’s not my Sammy without her being a stone cold bitch, that’s what I always say.
Charlotte: And with that, they’re calling for us to board.
Leslie: You guys are not leaving me with the crappy seat again!
Diane: The middle seat is not crappy!
Melanie: All of these seats are great to me. I couldn’t afford flying in an airplane at all growing up, now I’m flying in first class. There are no bad seats.
Sam: There’s at least one - next to Garry.
Garry: Why do you do this to me?
Sam: ‘Cause it’s fun!
Garry: It is?
Sam: For me it is.
Later that day, after the team arrives in Paris…
Jacqueline: Wow, you all look so excited! I’m not used to this.
Frances: I forgot about you! Why didn’t you fly in with us?
Jacqueline: A booking error. I had to leave Finland last night, I was exhausted. Now I’m rested, though, so it’s not worth being upset about. I even got a few extra hours in Paris out of it, not too bad.
Leslie: So it’s as nice as I’ve heard?
Jacqueline: I’ve been many times before, it’s a magical city. The best food in the word.
Diane: I doubt it’s anywhere near New Orleans. Now THAT is cooking.
Jacqueline: I’m British, all of their food is far too spicy for me to handle.
Diane: More for me!
Frances: Midwestern cooking is far too overlooked.
Leslie: Let’s stop insulting Parisian cuisine while we’re here. We have to try it for ourselves before we make any judgments.
Carly: I just can’t wait for our romantic dinner in the Eiffel Tower in the city of love!
Frances: You two make me sick.
Sam: I’d usually agree, but I’m afraid that Nicolle and I are going to be just as annoying. Apologies in advance.
Diane: At least you’re not Garry.
Garry: I don’t understand why everyone feels so free to bully me!
Frances: You make it easy.
Melanie: It’s dinner time, gang, how about we talk this out over some of that French cuisine you’ve been bickering about?
Jacqueline: I already ate.
Charlotte: I don’t recall her asking you.
Jacqueline: Wow!
Charlotte: Sometimes it must be said!
One hour later, at dinner…
Melanie: Never in my life did I imagine that one day, I’d wind up eating authentic ratatouille in Paris with a view of the Eiffel Tower.
Frances: Can’t say I expected to be living out the plot of Disney-Pixar’s Ratatouille, either.
Diane: That’s not really what that movie is about.
Frances: I don’t know, I haven’t seen it.
Leslie: I can’t say this is where I imagined ending up myself. This whole TV show journey has been a wild ride. It started as a simple idea that I doubted would ever make it to the scream, now we’re on top of the world.
Charlotte: Well, I’ve been to Paris many times due to my incredible success as an actress, but -
Sam: Charlotte, I recall this show taking you in after your sitcom was canceled after one season due to low ratings.
Charlotte: That’s not… that’s not true. It was canceled because Paul wanted me on this judging panel, because I’m a name!
Sam: Sure, networks cancel hit shows after one season for trivial reasons all the time! Who can forget NBC canceling Friends so Jennifer Aniston could judge a reality show?
Diane: My hit show was canceled after one season. Some said it was a ripoff of Kate & Allie, I say that’s a complete, disgusting lie.
Charlotte: What on earth is Kate & Allie?
Diane: You just had to be there.
Frances: What she means is that it’s not on streaming so no one under the age of fifty knows what it is.
Sam: And they certainly don’t know the name of Dianne’s knockoff!
Diane: Missy & Midge was nine fantastic episodes of television that our country just wasn’t ready for yet!
Sam: Sure.
Sam’s phone rings.
Sam: That must be Nicolle telling me she’s here! Very exciting!
Diane: Don’t be too long, the waitress will be back any moment to ask if we want dessert!
Sam: Crème brûlée. Always crème brûlée.
Garry: I love crème brûlée!
Sam: I’ll have the crêpes Suzette.
Sam picks up the phone.
Sam: So, how you loving Paris?
Nicolle: Oh, Sam… I’m so sorry.
Sam: What? Did something happen?
Nicolle: I’m not going to make it to Paris.
Sam: You’re pulling my leg!
Nicolle: I’m really not, I’m sorry. I wanted to be there with you so bad, but I just got an assignment with the paper covering some festival on Coney Island.
Sam: They think Coney Island is more important than you getting to spend quality time with your wife?
Nicolle: It’s incredibly frustrating, but we’ll have other chances to go to Paris.
Sam: Did you just find out about this now? I thought you were heading to the airport right after we spoke earlier?
Nicolle: My flight was set to leave three hours after we talked, while I was sitting in the airport ready to board, I got the call about a new assignment and I couldn’t say no. One of the other writers just went on maternity leave and I didn’t want her to get called back after just giving birth. I just waited to call until I was certain you’d already landed, I didn’t want to tell you this over the phone. My bag still went to Paris, though, so if you could pick that up at the airport, that’d be so appreciated.
Sam: I’m not mad at you, I know it’s not your fault, but how does this always happen? It’s like the universe wants to keep us apart!
Nicolle: I know! It’s so awful. I’ll get out to see you one of these days.
Sam: I think maybe it’s time to consider retirement. We have plenty of money.
Nicole: This is my dream job, I can’t quit it just because it’s inconvenient.
Sam: We can talk about this later, I’m at a noisy restaurant and I think Garry is messing up my dessert order. Love ya.
Nicolle: Love you, too! So sorry again that this happened!
Sam: Don’t dwell on it, it’ll be all right.
Sam hangs up and walks back to the table.
Diane: Oh no, what happened?
Sam: What do you mean?
Diane: Sam, I’ve known you for over forty years. I can read you like a book. Something is wrong, it’s all over your face.
Garry: You’re being silly, she looks perfectly fine!
Sam: Nicolle has informed me that, due to a new assignment from her paper, she has to stay in New York rather than flying to Paris.
Frances: Wow, Diane. Can you read when something is wrong with me?
Diane: I’m not psychic or anything, you just pick up on cues after dealing with her moods for so long.
Charlotte: Can we talk about how Garry is always wrong about everything?
Garry: I’d rather if we didn’t.
Carly: She does have a point, honey. You are often wrong.
Garry: I don’t know if that’s fair.
Frances: It is.
Leslie: What’s this assignment that’s keeping Nicolle in New York? Can’t it go to anyone else? They have to be a bit flexible, she gives them so much of her time so as it is.
Sam: She’s covering a festival or something on Coney Island.
Leslie: She can’t come to the city of love because of a festival on Coney Island?
Garry: That’s where the hot dog contest is, right?
Frances: I could go for a hot dog right about now.
Charlotte: You’re in France!
Frances: Yeah, the portions are kinda small. A hot dog could fill me up.
Charlotte: Americans…
Sam: One of her colleagues is on maternity leave and she’s doing them a favor. It’s very on-brand, it’s why I love her, but it’s also very disappointing to be on this end of it.
Garry: Luckily, I ordered you some crepes to cheer you up.
Sam: That was just a joke, I wanted crème brûlée! Can today get any worse?
Diane: You can have my crème brûlée if that makes you feel better.
Sam: Not really.
Diane: Guys, I think she’s broken. Dessert always cheers her up!
Garry: We eat dessert all day for work and she’s never cheery then.
Frances: Garry!
Garry: Sorry. Too far.
The next day, on the set…
Diane: We all know what this meeting is about, correct?
Frances: The elephant not in the room?
Melanie: We don’t have to go around calling her fat now, too.
Leslie: Melanie! What are you login here? You were supposed to distract her!
Melanie: I wanted to be involved, I knew this was gonna be juicy.
Leslie: Who’s distracting Sam, then?
Melanie: Oh, Jacqueline.
Leslie: That’s just gonna make her search for us faster!
Melanie: Trust the plan!
Diane: So, as we’ve all noticed today, Sam is very cranky. It’s a bit of an issue for filming the show.
Leslie: She berated a contestant for burning their croissants and spit out some crème brûlée on the ground because it was “soupy.” She’s become a menace.
Diane: We all have bad days!
Garry: No one cared when she pushed me to the ground at that café because I was talking about the dinner Carly and I have planned tonight.
Frances: Frankly, that’s because we were all considering doing it ourselves.
Melanie: We’re terribly lonely, Garry.
Garry: You should all get out there. We’re in the city of love!
Frances: You make me sick!
Melanie: You know, taking a French lover would be the storybook ending to this trip. Maybe I should take your advice!
Charlotte: A general rule of thumb is to never take Garry’s advice.
Diane: Garry, ignore that. I’m open to anyone’s advice as to how to snap Sam out of this mood.
Charlotte: He’s going to suggest that she also take up a French lover.
Garry: I would not! You guys never give me any credit!
Leslie: I have an idea.
Diane: I’m open to anything!
Leslie: Jacqueline owes me a favor, and Jacqueline is a fairly influential person.
Diane: Where are we going with this? Any mention of Jacqueline always gets me nervous, I don’t trust her.
Frances: You don’t trust anyone.
Diane: When your husband cheats on you, you -
Frances: Don’t try the ex-husband card on me, Diane. We’re in very similar boats.
Charlotte: What did your ex actually do, anyway?
Frances: I don’t like to talk about it.
Leslie: Anyhow, I think I should ask Jacqueline to give Nicolle’s editor a call and give her an assignment covering our show in Paris as a favor to our network. The season just premiered, so this could be a good puff piece.
Diane: You think Jacqueline would do that?
Leslie: I think she’s smart enough to see how this could quickly become a toxic workplace environment if she doesn’t do something.
Frances: How do we deal with Sam in the meantime? It’ll take a while before Jacqueline can intervene and Nicolle arrives, she’s still going to be a nightmare.
Diane: You guys can go about your business yourselves. I’ll stay with her. I can deal with her, I’ve dealt with this moodiness before.
Charlotte: I don’t want her to ruin your trip to Paris. Why should you get the brunt of it?
Diane: It’s really fine, I’m used to it. Besides, no need to bring us all down with her.
Leslie: We ought to get out there before Sam catches on to this. I’ll try to pull Jacqueline aside for a second to tell her the plan.
Frances: Do we have to go back out there to her? What if she doesn’t like my shirt, she’ll definitely tell me!
Melanie: You act as if that’s anything new.
Frances: Yeah, she’s not too pleasant to begin with.
Ten minutes later…
Leslie: Jacqueline, can we talk?
Jacqueline: Of course! What’s going on, is there a problem with the show?
Leslie: I mean, you saw it today.
Jacqueline: It was a good show, I thought. Great day of French baking, everyone did pretty well.
Leslie: Sam.
Jacqueline: Was something wrong?
Leslie: She lashed out on some of the bakers, that’s not like her.
Jacqueline: She’s always lashing out at me so I suppose I didn’t notice a difference.
Leslie: She’s upset that her wife’s boss kept her in New York on a writing assignment when she was supposed to visit. I have a proposal, though. You can call them up and request that Nicolle come write a piece about our show here in Paris. That’ll allow Nicolle to fly in and it’ll make Sam happy!
Jacqueline: I don’t know.
Leslie: What do you not know?
Jacqueline: I don’t like interfering in this sort of thing.
Leslie: We can’t deal with her being terror any longer. She’s resenting us already, it won’t end well.
Jacqueline: All right, I’ll do it. Give me the name and number of her boss and I’ll work my magic.
Leslie: Ah, thank you!
Jacqueline: If this isn’t enough to convince me I’m on your side, I don’t know what will!
Leslie: We’re good, Jackie.
Jacqueline: Don’t call me that.
Leslie: Got it, Jackie!
The next day…
Sam: Now for the bottom of the heap, those who are headed for a French exit.
Diane: Andrea, after a stellar week last week, the judges were disheartened by your crème brûlée, which was watery and not torched properly, leading to an improper taste. Your éclair tribute to the Arc de Triomphe also underwhelmed in comparison to Emily’s.
Sam: Jacob, your croissants were burnt and inedible, and your éclair Eiffel Tower collapsed before our eyes, much like your chances of winning this competition.
Diane: That was uncalled for.
Sam: Was it?
Diane: Marcus, while the judges also felt you missed the mark on your crème brûlée, and several of your éclairs were unbaked, your croissants were among the best the judges tasted this week, with the choice to add Gruyère cheese helping them stand out. You are safe.
Sam: Now it’s time to send someone home.
Diane: The judges have been wowed by both of you in the past, but both of you came up short this time, with fundamental flaws in your takes on some of the world’s most iconic baked goods. The person leaving tonight is…
Sam: Jacob.
Diane: Jacob, it’s been a joy. Thank you for baking your heart out with us.
Sam: Join us next week on Bake Your Heart Out, as we head to Belgium!
Leslie: Cut!
Diane: You cut me off!
Sam: Big whoop, it’s the same spiel every week.
Nicolle: Is someone in a bad mood?
Sam: Oh my god! You lied to me!
Nicolle: I did not lie, I just mysteriously got reassigned to Paris. Quite the shock to me!
Sam: How did this happen?
Leslie: The world may never know.
Garry: Can you please stop abusing us now? You got what you wanted!
Sam: Eh… nah.
Nicolle: Sam!
Sam: All right, since you asked.
Garry: Thank you for coming so quickly. This was a frightening thirty-six hours.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
