The Indianapolis Primitives bullpen is having their Christmas party inside the bullpen. LORENZO takes out a plate of cookies.
LORENZO
I made Christmas cookies, eat up.
FELIX
Those are just trees.
LORENZO
They’re Christmas trees.
HARRY takes a cookie.
HARRY
Good cookie Lorenzo, love the sugar! Only one thing, you forgot the angel at the top.
HARRY takes out a plate of cookies.
HARRY
Made these myself.
BRYAN
Do we have to eat the angel?
MANNY
That’s not an angel, that looks like one of those Easter bunny things.
HARRY
It’s an angel.
ACE
I’m with Bryan, this thing’s got a face…
LORENZO
Not bad Harry! Not as good as mine, but that’s to be expected. No offense.
CARTER
I bought some cookies from SugarCity’s Kitchen.
LORENZO
Give me that.
LORENZO tries a cookie.
LORENZO
Yikes, these are terrible. What are they doing to this place?
VICTOR
So this is really our last visit to the bullpen as it is.
LORENZO
And if you’re not careful, one of your last visits to the bullpen ever. Remember what general management said: if you can’t prove yourself to be a good pitcher, you’re off the team.
DEVIN
Yeah, half of us are circling the drain. Now let’s concentrate on Christmas again. We are here for Christmas right?
HARRY
I’m not here for any other holiday.
DAVE
Robert isn’t even here at all.
VICTOR
He doesn’t like this kind of stuff.
LORENZO
Last time, he came running in and stole my cotton candy from me. He said it was for the best but then we didn’t have a party the next year out of spite so was it really for the best?
VICTOR
I’d say he doesn’t care.
ACE
Yeah I think you only punished yourself there Lorenzo.
FELIX
So what’s the plan for this party? Other than eating Christmas cookies, of course.
LORENZO
Practice. Why else would we have this in the bullpen?
MANNY
We always have it in the bullpen and I’ve never mandated practice.
LORENZO
This year’s different. Everyone needs to be a good pitcher next season or they’re off the team. The stakes are high!
FELIX
You’d be surprised hearing this from me, but I’m not pitching today.
LORENZO
Yes you are.
FELIX
Make me.
LORENZO
If you don’t pitch today you’re sitting out the first week next year.
FELIX
You can’t do that!
MANNY
Actually he can. He’d be an idiot and might get fired, but if he survives the week, he can.
FELIX
Fine. Give me a ball.
LORENZO gives FELIX a baseball. FELIX starts practicing his pitching, as if he is warming up to go into the game.
LORENZO
You too Bryan.
BRYAN
Fine.
BRYAN starts warming up as well. Shortly thereafter, ROBERT arrives.
MANNY
Robert, you made it!
ROBERT
What the hell is this?
LORENZO
Merry Christmas!
ROBERT
No.
HARRY
Yes.
ROBERT
No. This is not a Christmas party.
CARTER
That’s what I said!
ACE
No you didn’t.
CARTER
I thought of it at least.
ROBERT
Why are there people pitching?
LORENZO
I told them to warm up.
ROBERT
YOU told them to warm up?! Do you know how bad this is?!
LORENZO
They need practice or else they’ll be off the team next year!
ROBERT
Lorenzo, chill out. I came rushing over here in a panic to make sure things weren’t going exactly the way they’re going right now.
ACE
What are you talking about?
ROBERT takes a deep breath.
ROBERT
Okay, remember that dream I had a couple years back about the future of the bullpen? You know, the one that got me over here in the first place?
ACE
I remember you coming over here and stealing Lorenzo’s cotton candy but I didn’t know it was because of a stupid dream.
DEVIN
Yeah Lorenzo’s still not over that you know.
ROBERT
I don’t care, it had to be done. There was other stuff in that dream. I may have saved Lorenzo from being addicted to cotton candy—
DAVE
Did you?
ROBERT
He still loves it but I wouldn’t call it an addiction.
DAVE
Fair enough.
ROBERT
Anyways I saved the addiction but there was more to the dream. First, he’s coach. That came true. Second, Felix was still on the team in the dream. Look where he is now. Third, in the dream, the bullpen pitched. That’s coming true as well. Everything from my dream is coming true. There’s only one thing left: Lorenzo getting drunk with power. I fear it’s starting to come true too.
Everyone is silent.
ROBERT
Am I crazy?
After a pause:
MANNY
No, Lorenzo has been acting a little tougher on everyone today.
LORENZO
Come on guys, I’m not drunk with power, just trying to make sure we all live up to our full potentials!
ROBERT
You’re having people warm up at our Christmas party.
LORENZO
Hey, it’s my job as coach to make everyone better.
ROBERT
This is not good for morale. Lorenzo, first it’s pitching at a Christmas party, next who knows what you’re throwing at us.
DAVE
Are you saying he should step down as coach?
ROBERT
If that’s what it takes to derail my dream…yeah.
HARRY
I hate to defend Lorenzo, but what if it was just a dream, and everything else coming true was just coincidental?
ROBERT
Maybe you’re right. But the signs aren’t looking good.
LORENZO
Tell you what, no more pitching today. Call it a Christmas miracle if you want, but it could lead to all of us getting fired.
BRYAN
Is that what this is about? Lorenzo, you won’t get fired.
FELIX
Yes he will, if we fail he fails.
ACE
And we’re gonna fail.
DEVIN
Can we just all agree to have fun with it then?
LORENZO takes another cookie.
LORENZO
I guess having fun every once in a while wouldn’t hurt.
FELIX
Huh? That’s like, exactly what you’re known for.
LORENZO
Am I too fun or too tough, make up your minds guys.
ROBERT
Listen, Felix is here to stay, the bullpen is pitching, and Lorenzo is coach. None of that is changing. As long as he keep having fun next season, our final season will be the best one yet.
DAVE
Final season?
MANNY
Yeah you never know, I swear half the years I’m here I feel like this is the last year but then I keep coming back.
FELIX
Tell me about it.
ROBERT
I was talking about me and the other guys who can’t pitch for our lives. But maybe you too.
FELIX
If I’m lucky!
ROBERT
So what do you say, lighten up Lorenzo?
LORENZO
Only if I can get addicted to cotton candy.
ROBERT
You know what? I’d take it over addicted to power. Christmas cookies anyone?
ROBERT takes out a plate of cookies.
HARRY
Those are not Christmas cookies, those are burned piles of crap.
ROBERT
I tried.
Everyone tries one of ROBERT’s cookies.
LORENZO
Well I think it’s time to go guys, I didn’t rent the bullpen for long.
DEVIN
You have to rent this place?
LORENZO
Of course, this place holds Christmas parties all the time.
DEVIN
I don’t think it does, I think you got scammed.
LORENZO
Oh. Anyone want to reimburse me?
Everyone quickly leaves before they have to pay.