Frances in the Kitchen Season 6 Episode 8
Dana has gathered Frances, DeAnna and all of the network’s top talents for a meeting.
Dana: Folks, I asked you all here today to discuss the most important time of the year for our network: Christmas.
DeAnna: It’s summer, Dana. Ninety-five degrees outside.
Dana: Yes, I am aware.
DeAnna: And yet…
Dana: Christmas 2015 is going to be our biggest and most important holiday yet. This is a time when Christmas is all the rage.
Essie: I feel like Christmas has always been “all the rage,” no?
Dana: Not like now. Christmas is its own industry. I’m not talking about the gifts and wrapping paper and candies and baking supplies. I’m talking about hold movies, specials, themed programming. Entire network are devoted to just Christmas for months of the year!
Frances: And that’s… pretty concerning, no? It was never meant to be this way.
DeAnna: Ignore my depressed friend. She’s just bitter and divorced so she hates Christmas now. You can’t rely on her for objectivity on this matter.
Frances: I think putting me down like that is unnecessary.
DeAnna: We’ll you’re bringing all of us down!
Essie: Dana, ignore the two clowns, please. I’m wondering what you’re getting at here.
Dana: We can’t get let behind. This is a network devoted to baking. When do people think about baking the most? The holidays. We have to go big this year, or we’ll be sen as old hat.
Frances: Old hat? Are you a hundred years old?
Dana: I won’t respond to that unprofessional remark in this setting. I don’t believe you truly meant it.
Frances: I did, though.
Dana: Moving on… this year, TBC is doing a cross-network holiday celebration. In addition to the traditional holiday-centric episodes of all of our shows, we’re doing a crossover event series featuring all of our hosts baking to win money for a charity of their choosing.
Frances: Can you opt out?
Dana: No, you can not.
DeAnna: That feels illegal.
Dana: It’s not illegal.
Essie: I was going to say… unethical, maybe. A poor way to manage staff morale, absolutely. But illegal? They surely hid something in our contracts allowing them to force us into doing network-mandated events like this.
Dana: We did! We’re very savvy in that way.
Frances: So why are you telling us about this now? It’s July.
Dana: Well, you’re all about to enter brie summer hiatuses, because you’ve filmed enough episodes to allow you to take summer vacations. Well… those vacations can start a week late, because we’re filming this series next week.
Frances: Oh, hell no. You can’t make us do this!
DeAnna: I already have plane tickets and hotel reservations for Italy!
Dana: And you have my apologies for messing up those plans. This will be worth it, though. This will be huge for the network, and you’ll all be paid handsomely for it.
Essie: I do enjoy being paid handsomely.
Dana: That’s the spirit!
DeAnna: I think I’d rather be a judge on the show than competing on it.
Frances: You afraid to lose?
DeAnna: No, I just think it’d be unfair to all of the rest of you to have to compete with me.
Frances: Ah, right. I’m sure you think that. No one else does.
DeAnna: Underestimate me at your own peril.
Dana: We’re bringing in celebrity judges and hosts. The judges will be home and lifestyle guru Marie Sandeau, Christmas movie legend Harriet Shall, and singer Brian Rector, and it’s being hosted by sitcom actress Mary Sherman.
DeAnna: Never heard of any of them.
Frances: You often rant to me about how much you despise Marie Sandeau and her “picture perfect, stuck-up, holier-than-thou attitude.”
DeAnna: Well, she’s not as famous as me.
Essie: She’s sure in the Christmas spirit.
DeAnna: It’s July, Essie! I’m in the vacation spirit! I want to go to the beaches of Sicily, not the North Pole!
Essie: Well, I’m excited about this.
Frances: If I do sign another contract, just know that I’m certainly adding a provision that leaves me exempt from having to do any nonsense like this.
Dana: Making it all important that we film this show this year!
Later that day…
Lauren: Aunt Frances, you have a good day at work?
Frances: No, I wouldn’t describe it that way.
Lauren: Did something happen? Did you finally decide on your contract?
Frances: No, I’m still very much undecided. This is about Christmas.
Jimmy: That feels like a jarring shift of the subject, no?
Frances: No, my dictator of a boss is forcing us to all do a stupid Christmas show with all the other TBC hosts. We’re filming next week, because it’s when we’re all free to film.
Louise: That doesn’t seem so bad.
Frances: I’m not in the Christmas spirit. Partially because it’s summer, but also because my life is a mess!
Jimmy: It’s not that bad!
Frances: My husband gambled my money away and now I’m getting a divorce, I’m having an existential crisis about the direction of my career… that’s really all that’s going on, but that seems like enough to knock you clean out of the holiday spirit. And, again, no one is really expected to be in said holiday spirit in July to begin with.
Louise: I think you’re just in a bad mood.
Frances: I’ve freely admitted that! I am a Scrooge! A summer Scrooge in sunny LA!
Jimmy: Technically, this is Santa B-
Frances: I know where I live!
Lauren: You’d think someone who lives in Santa Barbara would be able to get into the holiday spirit fairly easy.
Frances: I usually can, my life just happens to be falling apart this not-Christmas.
Louise: Hopefully you’re in a better mood by the real Christmas. I’m not spending my holiday with the Grinch.
Jimmy: His heart at least grew three sizes in the end, the same could happen to Frances.
Frances: I’d instantly die from cardiac arrest if my heart tripled in size.
Jimmy: It’s not to be taken literally.
Frances; Then why’d you say it?
Louise: Why do you invite us over for dinner after work if you’re going to be this miserable?
Frances: Look at my house! It’s big and empty! I need some company, even if they’re annoying and irritable!
Louise: Irritable?
Frances: Fine, I’m the irritable one.
Louise: Some self awareness, that’s nice to see.
Frances: I’m very self aware! I know I’m a disaster, that’s why I’m so miserable!
The next day, at work…
Beverly: Hello, Frances! You celebrating Christmas in July?
Marcia: Yeah, isn’t it a bit hot out for that sweater?
Frances: We’re taking press photos for the new TBC Christmas baking competition today. I was asked to “dress festively.” This is what I was able to find.
Jane: I think it looks really comfy!
Marcia: Maybe in December. In Vermont.
Frances: I’m dying in this thing. I think I’m suffering from heatstroke.
Beverly: This is the first time I’m hearing about a Christmas competition show, by the way. When did this come about?
Frances: Yesterday, and it’s already the bane of my existence.
Marcia: What is it, exactly? Are you judging it? Is this their way of competing with the new show you might be abandoning us to join the cast of?
Frances: No, that’s about home bakers being judged by pros. This is all of us TBC hosts competing for charity to win some big, fancy competition that Dana made up for the sake of cashing in on the Christmas programming craze.
Marcia: I like Christmas, why am I not included in this?
Jane: You’re not a hot, silly!
Marcia: I’m an on-air talent!
Beverly: Do you even know how to bake really? You’d get crushed, Marcia.
Marcia: I would not!
Beverly: If you insist.
Francis: She’d beat DeAnna, at least. The one judge absolutely hates DeAnna. It’s the one thing about this that I look forward to, the Wicked Witch getting humbled.
Jane: Has anyone tried pouring water on DeAnna?
Beverly: Huh?
Jane: Wicked Witch!
Beverly: Oh.
Marcia: She has a truly incredible mind.
Frances: At least it occasionally entertains me and distracts me from my nightmare of a life.
Marcia: Ah, stop moping. Your life’s great. So many of us would kill to be multi-millionaires with our own TV show and a nice house in Santa Barbara.
Frances: You’re a millionaire who co-stars on a TV show and has a nice house in Encino.
Marcia: Encino is no Santa Barbara!
Frances: Well, maybe you can ask for a house in Santa Barbara for Christmas.
Later that day…
Frances: Oh my god! What in the hell happened to my house?
Lauren: Do you like it?
Frances: I want to cry.
Lauren: Happy tears?
Frances: Not quite.
Lauren: Oh no, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.
Frances: What is this?
Lauren: Christmas!
Frances: I see that. Why is it all over my house?
Lauren: You need to get in the Christmas spirit!
Frances: In July?
Lauren: You’re doing that Christmas show, no? And you're dreading it because you’re not in the Christmas spirit. Looking around at Christmas all day can get you in the spirit!
Frances: Again… July.
Lauren: I can take it down I you want.
Frances: No, it’s sweet you’re trying to cheer me up. Besides, it’s only like four months early. Might as well keep it up. It gives me less to do down the line.
Louise: Holy mother of god, what happened here?
Frances: This is your daughter’s best attempt at getting me in the Christmas spirit before I film that show.
Jimmy: It looks like the North Pole in here.
Lauren: That was the goal!
The next week, at the TBC lot…
Beverly: Are you excited for this?
Frances: Uh, um… I’m glad you’re here to support me.
Beverly: Well, Dana asked me to help oversee production, so I figured maybe me being there could help make it a bit less hellish for you to have to do this.
Jane: And I’m here, too!
Frances: You know, I’m still generally depressed and anxious over the direction of my life, but I’m not dreading this that much anymore. Lauren really helped me get more into the holiday spirit and into the right frame of mind to do something like this. I can put on a happy facade for a bit and bake. Baking is what brings me joy and takes my mind off of my mess of a life. And Christmas is a good time, even if I’m not sure what this Christmas will look like.
Beverly: Just think, you were separated from Greg last Christmas. You didn’t want to see him, and you didn’t plan to, and then it was forced on you. This year, the only change is that he won’t surprisingly show up.
Frances: I guess that’s true. I hope it is, at least.
Beverly: The rest of us will all be there for you!
Frances: I appreciate you all. You’ve all helped me get through a lot of craziness in the last few months. Please don’t take it personally at all that I’m not yet certain on whether or not I’m renewing my contract.
Beverly: You have to do what’s best for you. And at this moment, what’s best for you is to go win this Christmas baking thing and show all of these people who the baking boss really is!
DeAnna: The queen has arrived!
Dana: You are late!
DeAnna: Greatness takes time!
Essie: There’s no reason to be so braggadocios.
DeAnna: When you’re as gifted as I am, your head does swell a bit. I do apologize for being so great that I overshadow you all.
Essie: Once again, she insults the spirit of Christmas with a foul attitude.
Frances: I think that means we just have to beat her!
Essie: Physically?
Frances: Uh… no? At baking.
Essie: Oh, of course!
A few hours later…
Frances: I forgot how stressful competitive baking could be!
DeAnna: You rusty, grandma?
Frances: You’re older than me!
DeAnna: Wrong!
Beverly: Frances, you look a little stressed. You okay?
Frances: Peppermint is not an ingredient I use too often, I’m just struggling a bit with incorporating it.
DeAnna: Amateur!
Essie: Do you have to heckle her? No one’s heckling you.
DeAnna: That’s your mistake!
Frances: Jane, let me know if this dough taste good.
Jane: I love cookie dough!
Frances: Of course you do.
Jane: Tastes great!
DeAnna: We’ll see about that! No one does Christmas baking like DeAnna Clifton does Christmas baking!
A few days later…
Beverly: All right, it’s all down to the final. You or Essie will win.
Frances: I don’t really care who wins now that DeAnna’s out.
DeAnna: I was taken out for the sake of drama! They know the obvious winner pick being eliminated in the semifinals will get social media buzzing!
Dana: Also, you somehow forgot to add salt to your cookies.
DeAnna: That’s not true.
Essie: The judges sure seemed to think it was.
Francis: You know what. Dana? I had zero interest in doing this show, and I thought it was a total farce that I was being forced to take part in it. However, getting to see DeAnna melt down like this is the best Christmas gift that I could’ve been given this year. Thank you for the early gift.
Dana: My pleasure!
What did you think of the Frances in the Kitchen Christmas special? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special on Thursday! Frances in the Kitchen will return for the rest of season 6 next spring!
