Fred: Olivia dearest, do you have all of the presents for the Christmas party?
Olivia: Presents?
Fred: Yes, for your family.
Olivia: I thought you had them.
Fred: You wrapped them, didn’t you?
Olivia: I bought them, I thought that was sufficient.
Fred: The presents aren’t wrapped?
Olivia: They’re in the closet still.
Fred: Good thing we’re running early. How fast can you wrap?
Olivia: You want me to wrap bloody presents before we go to the party?
Fred: I don’t suppose we could just hand them in a plastic bag from Tesco.
Olivia: Of course not, Tesco doesn’t give you plastic bags anymore.
Fred: We can wrap quickly if we work together.
Olivia: They have to look good, presentable. We’re high-class individuals and this is a classy affair. I could call Midge over to do it!
Fred: Midge?
Olivia: Yeah, we could go to the party and she could come in and wrap the gifts and then bring them to us.
Fred: That would involve us inviting Midge to the family Christmas party.
Olivia: That is an unfortunate snag in the plan.
Fred: Besides, wouldn’t Midge have plans with her family for Christmas Eve?
Olivia: I wouldn’t bet on it.
Fred: Does she have family?
Olivia: Have you met her? Who’d put up with that.
Fred: I put up with you.
Olivia gasps.
Olivia: Such a cold thing to say! And on Christmas Eve, no less!
Fred: It was a joke!
Olivia: Buried in every joke is a hidden truth.
Fred: Are we really doing this on Christmas Eve?
Olivia: You started it.
Fred: I’m sorry for making a poorly-timed joke.
Olivia: You are potentially forgiven. Potentially. You just have to wrap the presents for me and I’ll certainly forgive you.
Fred: So your forgiveness is transactional?
Olivia: Always has been!
One hour later…
Olivia: See, that didn’t take so long.
Fred: We’re over a half-hour late. You could’ve helped a little.
Olivia: This is my day of.
Fred: Dear lord.
Olivia: No one’s going to notice, anyway. They’re busy conversing and celebrating and, presumably, drinking wassail and eggnog.
Fred: I sure hope the eggnog’s spiked.
Olivia: I know my family - it is.
Fred: Thank the lord.
Eleanor: Olivia! You are very late!
Fred: I think they noticed.
Olivia: I have ears, red.
Eleanor: Where have you been? It is not as if you had a far drive.
Olivia: The weather, though… it caused such traffic.
Eleanor: Where?
Olivia: On the Mall.
Eleanor: Sure. Well, bring your gifts in, we can place them beneath the tree until the time comes to open them. Also, please, set your coats on the rack, and get comfortable.
Olivia: Are we the last to arrive?
Eleanor: I believe so. Perhaps an obscure cousin or -
Mandy: Eleanor… why is it so cold?
Eleanor: Because it is December, Mandy.
Mandy: What’s December?
Eleanor: Do you see what I have to work with here?
Olivia: You did sort o send up her bat signal, mentioning obscure cousins.
Eleanor: You are not entirely wrong.
Christine: Ah, look who finally found their way here!
Selina: Unfortunately…
Olivia: Hey, unlike you, I’m an actual member of this family. You just married into it.
Selina: And unlike you, I wasn’t shunned by the family for two decades because I was a national embarrassment.
Ethan: All right, I think that’s enough of that. It’s Christmas, ladies.
Selina: And I have to spend it with her.
Olivia: Because spending it with you is such a treat for me.
Fred: Olivia, let it go.
Olivia: The woman taunts me every time I see her, am I not allowed to get a few licks in?
Fred: She’s not worth it.
Selina: I’m not worth it?
Claude: My goodness, what is with all the commotion? I can’t even hear the caroling.
Claire: Not that that’s a big loss. We’re tone deaf beyond all belief.
Claude: Hogwash! You sound wonderful.
Anthony: Do they, old chap?
Nathan: Hey, uncle Anthony, you aren’t around nearly enough to spend your time with us insulting our abilities.
Anthony: I’m sorry, my boy, but I have functioning ears. Or, I did before I heard you and your brother and your wives trying to harmonize on Sleigh Ride.
Alicia: We can sing, it’s just that I was trying to sing the Ronettes version, and Claire was singing the Carpenters version. Different keys.
Anthony: Yes, that’s surely the problem.
Gigi: I’m assuming the commotion is the arrival of my mother?
Olivia: You’d be correct, dear!
Claude: Oh, Olivia. Of course you’d be the one to show up late.
Olivia: I have a very good excuse.
Eleanor: She claims it was traffic.
Arthur: We hit no traffic.
Olivia: Snitch…
Fred: We were doing some last-minute holiday preparations.
Todd: The important thing is that they’re here!
Claude: Well, you missed the prime minister.
Olivia: That’s a shame, I rather like this one.
Norah: I’m right here!
Olivia: I like you, dear! It’s your mother who drives me batty. That’s not your fault!
Fred: I hope you gave the prime minister our regards.
Claude: It didn’t come up.
Fred: Of course not.
Christine: I suppose we can feast now that we’ve all arrived.
Olivia: You were waiting for us? How sweet of you!
Selina: I can’t believe it myself.
Anthony: I was starving, but mama insisted we wait until we were all together.
Ethan: And, since you’re the favorite, she even allowed you to dip into the pigs and blankets.
Anthony: And they were delicious. Who made them?
Christine: The chef. Certainly none of us.
Norah: Well I did bring, uh, cookies that I baked personally.
Gigi: You were baking with that in your stomach? How’d you get around the kitchen:
Eleanor: That is hardly appropriate;
Warren: Funny, though.
Nathan: Quite funny.
Veronica: You know, when Alicia invited me for my first holiday with the family of her new fancy British husband, the prince, I also prepared a treat for everyone. I quickly realized that they do not like that. You’ll learn in time, dear.
Claude: We appreciate it greatly! The kids will love it.
Norah: Oh, don’t talk about kids. I don’t want it to get any ideas about popping out early.
Christine: When is your due date, exactly?
Norah: December 27th.
Claire: Okay, so we are playing a most dangerous game here. Thirty-six hours together under one roof… will it happen, will it not?
Norah: I will be fine. We’ll have a nice Christmas.
Gigi: Well, until your mother arrives tomorrow.
Claude: Enough! Turkey and mince pies and roast beef and every holiday side you could possibly dream of awaits us, just mere feet away.
Olivia: Thank god. I was working very hard wrapping those presents.
Eleanor: You waited until tonight to wrap your presents?
Olivia: What would ever give you that idea?
A bit later, in the dining room…
Veronica: I must say, you majesty -
Claude: Just “Claude” is fine. We’re family.
Veronica: I must say, “Claude,” the decorations in the palace are absolutely exquisite. Such a classy, classic collection of Christmas decor.
Christine: Ah, the staff did all of that as well.
Veronica: Of course. But you hired the best of the best. This is truly impressive. Almost as nice as Disney World.
Christine: Did she just -
Claude: It’s Christmas, dear.
Arthur: I have to say, other, I was quite skeptical about changing the location o the family Christmas from Windsor to Buckingham for the year, but it’s turned out quite nicely. They have decorated the place beautifully, and it was convenient for everyone.
Claire: Imagine when Olivia would have arrived iff she had to traverse all the way to Windsor!
Olivia: I was not that late.
Gigi: Mum, the prime minister got tired o waiting for you.
Eleanor: In fairness, she did arrive an hour early. Busy schedule and all that.
Norah: Oh!
Christine: Did you get a bone? I’m sorry, I’ll fire the servant that carved the bird.
Norah: No! I felt something
Claire: I told you we were on thin ice here. Did I not?
Arthur: Not the time to take a victory lap, dear.
Norah: I think I’m having the baby.
Selina: How terribly inconvenient.
Olivia: You know who else was born on Christmas Day?
Arthur: She’s going to compare her grandchild to Jesus, isn’t she?
Olivia: American popular singer Sir James Buffett.
Todd: Oh, she’s just trying to get us to name the baby James again.
Olivia: It’s a beautiful name. But also, yes, sharing a birthday with Jesus is lovely! Don’t name the baby Jesus, though. That would just be terribly cliche. And a tad egotistical.
Christine: Just a tad?
Selina: Besides. A grandchild of yours is far more likely to be the antichrist.
Ethan: I think that’s enough.
Claude: It is! We have to get Norah to hospital!
Norah: I think it’s fine. The feeling is subsiding a bi- ah!
Claude: We have a direct line and a personal wing, you’re going immediately and the baby will be delivered in no time.
Todd: Wait a minute… was Jimmy Buffett knighted?
Gigi: It was a joke, you idiot.
Mandy: You know he named a song after me. Oh Mandy!
Eleanor: That was Barry Manilow!
Claude: I think let’s just focus on getting the baby delivered safely from the comfort of a hospital bed. She’s clearly in labor.
Claire: Again, I don’t mean to brag, but I told you all this was going to happen. A mother knows! I’ve delivered three kids, all I need to do is look at a pregnant woman to know if it’s imminent.
Alicia: Are you implying you’re some sort of pregnancy psychic?
Claire: I wouldn’t use those words, I don’t want to sound like I have some mental imbalance. But, sort of.
Eleanor: Dearie, would you mind if we all went with you?
Norah: Of course not. It is your family wing, after all. Someone should call my mum, too.
Claire: Must we?
Arthur: Claire!
Claire: I’m so terribly sorry, I’ve had too much wassail.
Norah: It’s fine. I know my mother is a polarizing figure, to say the least.
Claire: The worst prime minister we’ve ev-
Claude: Not at all! She is a lovely woman!
Christine: Why are we lying?
Ethan: Dear, why aren’t you getting your coat on? Are you not coming with?
Selina: Why would I come with?
Ethan: It’s a family matter.
Selina: Nothing’s the matter with the part of the family that I actually like.
Ethan: Lovely sentiment.
Selina: Besides, someone ought to stay home with Mandy! You know how she is.
Ethan: There are hundreds of servants, including her very own personal “assistant” who is really just a nurse making sure she doesn’t stumble down the stairs or into traffic.
Selina: She deserves to spend Christmas with her family, no?
Ethan: All right, then we’ll brig her to hospital, too.
Claude: No!
Eleanor: Good god, all of the bright lights and noise would terrify her! Not to mention, imagine the fright she would cause for the poor baby.
Later, at the hospital…
Eleanor: Olivia, there was no traffic whatsoever.
Olivia: You already knew that was a lie.
Eleanor: I know, but I did feel a need to rub it in.
Olivia: I should be in with my son and his, uh, fiancé.
Claude: My god, I’ve forgotten they aren’t married yet.
Olivia: Is that an issue?
Claude: It does veer from Royal norms.
Olivia: It’s Christmas! You can make an exception!
Claude: I don’t think that’s how Christmas works.
Fred: Besides, the girl’s in labor. Are you going to force her to say her vows before the hospital priest while a baby’s shooting out her birth canal?
Claude: I would never, we stopped doing that in the 90s!
Eleanor: It was my order. Modernizing is a very good thing.
Claude: I just was pointing out that this is an unusual situation for a royal to be in. Just a bit of a messy situation.
Gigi: Leave it to Todd to be the one causing it.
Olivia: I think it’s a beautiful thing. Young, new love bringing a young, new lie into the world. On Christmas, no less.
Christine: You know, I can’t say I ever anticipated spending Christmas at a hospital waiting for the prime minister’s daughter to give birth. Yet… here we are.
Arthur: Life has a way of surprising you.
Ethan: In fairness, it is only, you know, Christmas Eve. We could be out of here in time for the holiday celebration.
Christine: Not in time for my meal to still be fresh. What a waste of a good bird.
Claire: I’m more upset about the waste of wassail!
Gigi: Here, have a candy cane.
Claire: Not quite the same.
Gigi: But it’s festive!
Olivia: I should be in there with them.
Fred: You’re allowed to go in.
Olivia: I know, I just don’t want to be a bother.
Christine: Then I’d recommend not complaining.
Olivia: You sound like Selina.
Christine: No, she would have hit you.
Meredith: my god, I had a devil of a time getting here!
Claire: Well, thank god you’ve made it now.
Meredith: That is lovely, thank you! Your Majesty.
Claude: You don’t have to do that, it’s not a time where formality is required. This is a family matter.
Meredith: Am I family now?
Christine: Unfortunately…
Gigi: I’ll never forgive Todd for this one.
Meredith: Well, where is my daughter? And where’s Todd?
Claire: Well, when a woman is in labor…
Meredith: Did I miss the birth?
Nathan: Jesus Christ, what do you think?
Alicia: Not on his birthday, honey.
Nathan: Sorry. She’s just so painfully clueless.
Alicia: I know, it is horrible.
Olivia: Let’s go in and check on them.
Claude: Yes, and the rest of us will sing carols to pass the time!
Claire: We all know Mistletoe & Wine, no?
Claude: I was thinking something more traditional, but sure.
Olivia and Meredith are escorted to Norah’s room and enter.
Olivia: So, how is everyth-
Norah: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
Todd: Not a great time, mum!
Meredith: I think, maybe we can come back later.
Olivia: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Norah: Wait! I want my mum!
Olivia: Not me?
Norah: No, my mum!
Olivia: Todd…
Todd: I’m not going to argue with her.
Olivia: Then I’ll be in the waiting room, missing the miracle of life.
Olivia returns to the waiting room.
Everyone (singing): Christmastime, mistletoe and wine!
Olivia: My god, I’m in holiday hell.
Ethan: Olivia, join us! We’ve been missing a soprano!
Olivia: How lucky am I!
Hours later…
Todd: Hello, everyone… is gran awake?
Eleanor: I am fine! Barely.
Todd: First of all, merry Christmas.
Gigi: Yeah, yeah, get to it before gran dies.
Todd: She’s had the baby. Liliana Autumn Williams.
Olivia: Oh, it’s a girl!
Christine: I was hoping for a boy like Jesus, but ah well.
Todd: Would you like to meet her?
Gigi: Frankly, I’d like to go to bed, but I won’t take it out on my niece.
Todd: You know, mum, we were trying to think of names similar enough to Olivia for it to be an homage but not a direct copy. So my daughter is, in a way, named for you.
Claire: That makes no sense, they’re entirely different names.
Arthur: Don’t mind her, she’s drunk off her mind.
Olivia: This is a wonderful Christmas gift, Todd. I can’t imagine a better way to spend my holiday.
Christine: I can imagine a few better ways.
What did you think of the Princess Royal Christmas special? Let us know in the comments! The Princess Royal will return for season six next summer!
