Carol knocks on Gretchen’s door.
Carol: You busy?
Gretchen: one minute.
Carol: Got it!
Gretchen: Gina, I’ve got Carol waiting to talk about something. She seems amped up, so I’m hoping it’s something good.
Gina: Well, it’s not like we’re discussing anything important. You can let me go, we’ll talk later.
Gretchen: You’re just trying to escape getting mocked for your little photo op at the White House!
Gina: It wasn’t a photo op, it was a meeting with the leader of the country on behalf of my Michigan constituents. It’s my job to work with him, even if I can’t stand him.
Gretchen: You took a picture with him in the Oval Office!
Gina: I was tricked!
Gretchen: This ain’t your first political rodeo, how do you get tricked by the world’s most obvious conman?
Gina: President Delphy convinced me there would be no press, then all the sudden, there’s a whole swarm of them and he’s taking questions while I’m just standing there! But, you know what? I don’t have to answer to you, you don’t know how you’d react in the same situation.
Gretchen: I’d never put myself in that situation!
Gina: That’s what you say until he’s hanging the prospect of new jets for your National Guard over your head!
Gretchen: We’re Rhode Island, they don’t give us jets! Our National Guard is eight people with switchblades! We could be defeated in battle by an escaped chimpanzee from the zoo!
Gina: Why are you guys even your own state?
Gretchen: I don’t know! But we have a baseball team now!
Gina: And how’s that going for you?
Gretchen: 25-48!
Gina: I don’t really follow baseball. That is…?
Gretchen: Not good. Second-worst in the league. Thank god for the Colorado Rockies!
Gina: I should let you go. If I know Carol, she’s jumping around anxiously to tell you whatever news she has for you.
Gretchen: She’s doing just that.
Carol: Gretchen, come on, this is exciting!
Gretchen: I’m getting off, calm down!
Gina: It was nice talking to you, Gretchen. We’ll talk again soon, no worries.
Gretchen hangs up.
Gretchen: What?
Carol: Don’t look at me like that.
Gretchen: I get no time to just unwind and talk with my friend -
Carol: No time to unwind? You spend a soldi three hours a day just sitting in here spinning in your chair!
Gretchen: It wouldn’t swivel if they didn’t want you to spin in it!
Carol: You are a child.
Gretchen: You say that like an insult, yet children are full of whimsy and wonder. I take it as a compliment.
Carol: Can I just tell you what I wanted to tell you?
Gretchen: Fine! Fire away!
Carol: As you’re aware, the landmark 40th Newport Regatta is in three weeks, and the organizers have asked you to deliver a speech ahead of the kickoff!
Gretchen: That’s, uh… what is that again?
Carol: Oh my god, Gretchen!
Gretchen: I’m sorry, I just have so much on my plate.
Carol: It’s a sailing competition featuring hundreds of competitors from across the globe racing through the waters of Newport!
Gretchen: I’m gonna be honest, I thought you said “Newport Ricotta.”
Carol: That doesn’t even make any sense!
Gretchen: Exactly! Hence my confusion! I thought it was some sort of cooking thing and I felt that was a bit below my pay grade. I mean, I’m not Martha Stewart, why are you asking me about ricotta?
Carol: Anyway, what do you think?
Gretchen: I think that’d be great, it’s a major cultural event for us here. One of the few that we have. Certainly more impactful than a Newport ricotta competition would be. I have one concern, though.
Carol: That being…?
Gretchen: I have no idea how sailing works. I’ve never been on a sailboat.
Carol: You’ve never been on a sailboat? I thought all upper-class rich folks in this state went sailing every weekend!
Gretchen: Not I! I was more focused on managing a burgeoning political career for such leisure activities. Certainly can’t do it now, that’d be a terrible look.
Carol: Why not?
Gretchen: I mean, I have places to be, matters to tend to here, bills to sign, I can’t just take off and go sailing.
Carol: You went on vacation a few weeks ago!
Gretchen: I know, but, well, I guess you’re right. The only problem is: I don’t have a boat. I don’t even know anyone that knows how to sail!
Carol: How hard can it be? You untie it from the dock and you let the wind take you away!
Gretchen: That’s a great way to commit suicide. Not a great way to sail for, say, an hour and then come back.
Samantha: Am I interrupting something?
Gretchen: No.
Carol: Yes.
Samantha: Some one’s lying.
Gretchen: We’re talking about sailing.
Samantha: Sailing? My family owns a sailboat! I love to sail!
Carol: Pratt! Teach Gretchen how to sail!
Gretchen: Oh, that really is okay, Samantha. You must be so bus-
Samantha: I’m not! Really, not at all.
Gretchen: I guess we could have some lessons in a few days? Maybe Friday?
Samantha: That’d be great! Ah, I just love getting out on the ocean, it’s a magical feeling.
Gretchen: Yeah, I’m sure it is.
Samantha: Is that sarcasm I detected?
Gretchen: I’m just a bit… nervous.
Samantha: You’ve got nothing to be worried about!
Carol: You hear her? Nothing?
Gretchen: I really think you need to be quiet right now, Carol.
Carol: Got it.
Later that day…
Anthony: Anything new at work today, dear?
Lucinda: In all the years she’s been governor, when has the answer to that question ever been “yes?”
Anthony: Many times! She’s got a very exciting job!
Lucinda: By whose definition? Not mine!
Christina: I think most people would find it at least moderately exciting. Not many people have ever gotten to be governor in this life.
Lucinda: And Gretchen hasn’t either. She goes to work and plays make-believe.
Gretchen: You always claim your criticism is meant to be constructive. What is supposed to be constructive about this?
Lucinda: I’m trying to politely urge you to abandon this whole politics thing, if you haven’t caught on yet.
Gretchen: Anyway, something new DID happen at work today!
Lucinda: My god, it’s a miracle!
Anthony: Enough! Let her talk!
Lucinda: Fine…
Gretchen: I’ve been invited to deliver an address before the 40th annual Newport Regatta, and to prepare me for it, Samantha is giving me sailing lessons on her family sailboat.
Lucinda: You need sailing lessons to give a speech?
Gretchen: I’d like to be familiar with it. It helps me with the delivery if I’m genuinely passionate about the issue I’m discussing.
Lucinda: I’ve never played basketball, doesn’t keep me from being passionate about it.
Gretchen: Well, sailing is not something I can say I’ve ever thought much about before. It seems neat, I’m interested to learn. I just wish it didn’t involve me being stuck on a boat with Pratt for several hours, several days in a row.
Lucinda: You whine too much.
Christina: Grandma, I don’t think that’s helpful.
Toby: Yeah, mom never talks like that to you.
Lucinda: You weren’t here when she was growing up! She was a terror!
Gretchen: I was not!
Lucinda: You clearly have a different definition of “terror” than me, then. A wrong one.
Gretchen: You exhaust me.
Anthony: I, for one, think this is very exciting! Learning a new hobby, maybe one we could even eventually partake in as a family, it’s exciting.
Lucinda: It’ll be a cold day in hell before I get on a little dinghy in the ocean.
Anthony: Don’t worry, ice queen, hell will be quite chilly when you eventually arrive.
Lucinda: Wow! Too far!
Christina: I can usually be impartial, but… you led him to that. It wasn’t unprompted.
Gretchen: Good one, honey. Keep it coming.
Anthony: I intend to!
Three days later…
Samantha: Welcome to the Sloop Sam P!
Gretchen: Cool.
Samantha: You don’t look jazzed for a day of sailing!
Gretchen: It’s seven in the morning.
Samantha: Mornings are the best time for sailing!
Gretchen: Does that mean we‘re going to have to do it this early every day?
Samantha: Yep!
Gretchen: Lovely.
Samantha: Okay, get on. Don’t be afraid!
Gretchen: The boat’s smaller than I expected.
Samantha: Yeah, it’s just a small sloop, made for sailing around the bay a bit.
Gretchen: And we’re sure the weather’s going to hold up? We’re not gonna die in this? It’s not like there’s room for a lifeboat, the damn thing’s the size of a lifeboat!
Samantha: No storms are forecast today, and here is your life vest!
Gretchen: Oh, yes, this’ll save us!
Samantha: They’re quite effective! Much better than trying to swim back to shore on your own.
Gretchen: What are the odds this little thing is going to tip over? You’re talking about it like it’s very much a possibility.
Samantha: We’re going to be fine. Just, uh, don’t stand up too much, don’t rock the boat.
Gretchen: Don’t tip the board over, got it.
Samantha: Do you enjoy the soothing music of Christopher Cross?
Gretchen: I guess?
Samantha: Good, it’s one of three CDs I got on here. That, Joan Baez, and that Kiss disco album.
Gretchen: Wonderful.
Three hours later…
Samantha: Gretchen…
Gretchen: What? I feel seasick!
Samantha: Yeah, the water is choppier than we would generally prefer. And, also, we are, uh… how do I put this in a way that won’t make you panic?
Gretchen: Spit it out!
Samantha: We’re lost.
Gretchen: I thought you had experience!
Samantha: I do! The wind is unforgiving and has a mind of its own, these things just happen sometimes. I did bring snacks and refreshments in case this happen. I mean, Christopher Cross did say, “sailing takes you away…”
Gretchen: Samantha: Give me that CD.
Samantha: Why?
Gretchen: Just want to see it.
Samantha: Okay, here.
Gretchen grabs the CD and chucks it into the ocean.
Samantha: What was that for?
Gretchen: He’s taunting me!
Samantha: Now we only have two CDs!
Gretchen: Neither of them can be worse than three straight hours of mellow yacht rock.
Samantha: Then you’re not familiar enough with this Kiss album.
Gretchen: I can’t throw more than one CD in the ocean, I’m an environmental liberal, I don’t believe in littering.
Samantha: Then you shouldn’t have done it once!
Gretchen: You shouldn’t have gotten us lost in the middle of the ocean!
Samantha: We’re still in the bay!
Gretchen: Keep telling yourself that!
Two hours later…
Gretchen: Do you know where we are?
Samantha: An island!
Gretchen: Which island?
Samantha: I don’t know, I have no service.
Gretchen: Presumably, not an island in Narragansett Bay.
Samantha: Admittedly, I do not think it is, no.
Gretchen: We’re gonna die. This is gonna be one of those unsolved mysteries, a governor and her lieutenant go sailing and disappear forever. They’re gonna make a movie about us, Amy Adams will probably play me and lose another Oscar for it.
Samantha: I think you’re shooting too high there.
Gretchen: Thin ice.
Samantha: I know.
Gretchen: Hey, at least we have somewhere to go to the bathroom now!
Samantha: Yeah, at least.
Gretchen: That face suggests…
Samantha: I was frightened.
Gretchen: Wonderful. I’m on a beach somewhere, no one knows where I am, and the only other person I can see is sitting in a pool of her own urine.
Samantha: I wouldn’t say a pool. Just a little.
Gretchen: That does not make it better.
Samantha: I have a flare gun. Shall I us it?
Meanwhile, back at the office…
Sarita: Gretchen told us to consider her a missing person if she hadn’t called by now.
Mary: Am I governor now?
Sarita: Very possible.
Carol: She’s probably just out there having fun. You know, cell reception’s not the best out in the water.
Sarita: She’s with Pratt. There’s no way she’s just “having fun.” She’s probably died.
Mary: I would never hop on one of those little sailboats. They’re too small, the ocean’s too big. And it’s hungry.
Carol: The ocean is hungry?
Mary: You gotta be careful, if you get caught off-guard, it’ll swallow you whole.
Carol: I’m sure Gretchen is absolutely fine.
Mary: Just in case, though, can I go measure the windows? I hate these drapes.
Carol: She’s fine!
Mary: But just think of how happy my mother would be if she weren’t!
Carol: That’s horrible!
Mary: I agree, my mother is a terrible woman.
Carol: I didn’t mean it l-
Mary: No, but it’s true.
Sarita: Carol?
Carol: What?
Sarita: The Coast Guard reported a flare gun off the coast of Massachusetts and a potential crash site was spotted.
Carol: How silly, they left from Rhode Island!
Sarita: And they’ve been gone long enough that they could’ve reached parts of Massachusetts by now. Cuttyhunk Island. Looking it up, it’s off the coast of Cape Cod. Not far off Martha’s Vineyard.
Carol: Yeah, that’s not them. They’re on the water yet, and Gretchen’s getting an expert tutorial on sailing.
Mary: As someone who has met Samantha Pratt, I think you have too much unearned confidence in her abilities.
Carol: Disagree!
Mary: We all disagree with reality sometimes. We come around to accept it eventually.
Meanwhile, back on the island…
Samantha: Oh, I have weak reception! Good thing we walked a little!
Gretchen: Okay, where in the hell are we?
Samantha: Cuttyhunk Island, Massachusetts.
Gretchen: What the hell did you just call me?
Samantha: I said the island is called Cuttyhunk!
Gretchen: I do not like that name.
Samantha: You haven’t liked anything about this trip!
Gretchen: What is there to like? We’re dying on an island in Massa-goddamn-chusetts!
Samantha: We’re not dying, we have been here for less than an hour, and we have plenty of food. You’re welcome.
Gretchen: You want me to thank you for this? This absolute disaster of a day?
Samantha: Ah, look, the Coast Guard!
Gretchen: We’re already seeing mirages. I told you we’re dying!
Samantha: No, there’s a boat.
Gretchen: Go swim to it. You might be fast enough to catch it!
Samantha: It’s driving towards us! They’re here to rescue us!
Gretchen: Sure they are, Pratt. I’m going to lie down and take a nap to distract myself from all of this.
Samantha: You do that…
Ten minutes later…
Coast Guardsman: Ladies, we noticed the crashed boat while surveying the area. Do you need assistance?
Gretchen: I am Governor Gretchen Raymond of Rhode Island, I’ve been taken captive by a lunatic, please save me from this island!
Samantha: She’s had a rough day, we’re friends. Lieutenant Governor Samantha Pratt.
Coast Guardsman: It’s wonderful to meet you. We can get you both home if you hop on the bot. Cuttyhunk Island isn’t exactly the most accessible of places, so you’d have to wait for the ferry otherwise.
Gretchen: No, we’re ready. Get me home!
Samantha: But, my boat!
Gretchen: Leave the boat! I want to go home! Now!
Coast Guardsman: We’ll see to it that the boat is recovered. Let’s just focus on getting you ladies to safety.
Gretchen: This is the worst trip I’ve ever been on.
Samantha: Happy I could help make your first sailing trip memorable!
Gretchen: First and last!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the season finale next week!
