Gretchen and her family are at Eddie’s house celebrating his birthday.
Eddie: I just wanted to thank you guys all for coming in and making today special for me. You all have such busy schedules.
Lucinda: Do I? I spend my time playing bingo and watching WNBA games at the retirement homes.
Eddie: That’s… something. I’m sure there’s a game you’re missing to be here.
Lucinda: Ah, no. Bingo’s just on Thursdays now, the residents were getting too serious about it, it wasn’t good for their hearts to do it every week.
Eddie: Not really the game I meant, but still, I’m glad you’re here. And Gretchen, you’ve been busy.
Gretchen: Eh.
Eddie: You work hard!
Gretchen: It’s a thankless job, but it’s also a job with minimal responsibilities. The worst of both worlds!
Eddie: I don’t think it’s as bad as you say. But either way, I’m glad you’re here.
Hannah (Eddie’s wife): Babe, are you ready for cake?
Eddie: We just ate, didn’t we?
Hannah: About an hour ago.
Eddie: No need to rush, I say. Let us build up a hunger for it.
Christina: I’m pretty hungry for it. I haven’t had cake in, god, I don’t know how long. I’ve been on a diet.
Gretchen: I keep telling her not to, that she’s thin enough on her own, and yet -
Christina: It’s not about weight loss! I’m eating organic, cutting out processed foods. It’s good for you, and helps with longevity. That has not stopped me from craving processed food, but I only let myself have it on special occasions.
Toby: This isn’t going to last, no need to argue with her about it.
Anthony: I always say, if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I certainly wouldn’t think “wow, I wish I ate less junk food.” Denying myself a treat here and there is just not worth it. Allow yourself to enjoy life!
Christina: I don’t think uncle Eddie wants to hear a birthday lecture.
Eddie: No, this is great. Sometimes I wonder if we made a mistake not having kids, this reinforces that we made the right call. It’s a much better gift than any material item.
Gretchen: Happy to help!
Lucinda: Mary, you’ve been uncharacteristically quiet, what’s so engrossing on that phone?
Eddie: She’s a busy woman, I won’t hold it against her.
Lucinda: She is not. Busier than Gretchen, but that’s not saying anything.
Mary: I’m just texting.
Lucinda: Who are you texting that’s more important than spending time with your family and enjoying your brother’s birthday?
Mary: Nobody!
Gretchen: So, you’ve been texting, but also, you aren’t texting anyone?
Mary: I’m saying they’re not more important than spending time with all of you. I can multitask.
Lucinda: Oh really? What were we just giving Christina a hard time about?
Mary: I don’t know, her new haircut?
Christina: What’s wrong with my haircut?
Mary: Oh, nothing!
Christina: That didn’t sound like “nothing…”
Lucinda: You’ve had better haircuts.
Christina: Oh my god, multiple people think my haircut is bad?
Gretchen: That’s not a discussion for right now, it’s your uncle’s birthday.
Lucinda: Who are you texting? Don’t try to distract me, spit it out.
Mary: I’m texting Patrick.
Gretchen: What does that loser have to say to you after what he did?
Mary: Well, he’s in town, and we have three children together, so he wants to see them. He also, uh, he was wondering how old Kyra was, so he can get her a birthday card.
Anthony: Kyra’s birthday is in November.
Mary: Well I know that, Kyra knows that, you all know that, that doesn’t mean Patrick knows that.
Gretchen: So he’s not just a terrible husband, he’s also a terrible father. Good to know!
Mary: He’s trying, I guess. I don’t know. I have to put up with him for the sake of the kids, and I am glad that he’s making an attempt to see them.
Lucinda: He’s their father, that’s his job! Don’t be so easily impressed.
Eddie: Yeah, I don’t even have kids and I know that! In fact, all the responsibility it entails is why I never had kids. Just too much to worry about, I can’t be depended upon to keep a small, defenseless human alive!
Gretchen: Clearly, neither can Patrick.
Mary: We don’t need to turn this into a Patrick-bashing session.
Anthony: The man forgot when his daughter was born!
Christina: You’ve forgotten my birthday!
Anthony: By a day or two! I don’t tell you “happy birthday” five months early! And I’d never move across the country from you.
Mary: Well, I think he’s actually considering moving back home. He said he’s been looking at condos, so at the very least, he might buy a second place here.
Gretchen: You say that like it’s a good thing.
Mary: I almost pity him. He moved to Oregon to be with this other woman, then she cheats on him with her new boss and leaves Patrick for the boss. It’s a pathetic life.
Gretchen: Not your concern, though. Just ignore him.
Eddie: Yeah, I’ve worked up somewhat of a hunger just having to hear about Patrick again. Cake time!
Hannah: I’ll go get the candles!
The next day…
Sarita: All right, so we have a meeting today in Connecticut with their governor about a potential collaborative effort to improve infrastructure.
Gretchen: Is it all right if I bring my mom and one of you entertains her during the meeting? I’m taking her to a WNBA game at the Mohegan Sun and it would add so much time to my travels if I had to go home and get her.
Carol: That would be fine, Massachusetts can watch her.
Sarita: Can we at least go to the game with you if I’m being reduced to babysitter?
Gretchen: I mean, it’s the WNBA, so I assume they’ve got some tickets left. But we have to get there early, she wants to meet some of the players to rub it in to her retirement home pals.
Carol: Is Caitlin Clark playing?
Gretchen: No, that’s a different team! They’re playing Washington tonight, it’s why the tickets are so cheap. That Sonia Citron, though, you squint a bit and she kinda looks like Caitlin Clark.
Carol: I guess that’s something.
Sarita: So, are we leaving right from work, then? I don’t have my purse with.
Carol: I mean, Gretchen doesn’t have her mother with, either. We can leave a little early and let you pick up the purse.
Sarita: Okay, sounds good to me.
Gretchen: All right, so the game’s at 7, mom will want to eat, it’s about an hour drive, I guess we should leave in around five hours? That’s three, that’s enough time to collect our things, get to Uncasville, eat, and then go to the game. Ooh, Mystic is right by there, we can stop at Mystic pizza!
Sarita: Um… governor Raymond… the meeting?
Gretchen: Ah, crap, I forgot. I guess I just hate the guy so much, I was trying to forget it on purpose.
Mary: Ladies! I come requesting advice.
Gretchen: Mary, how many times do I have to tell you that you need to figure out how to run your caucus yourself? I’m not the speaker of the house, it’s not my job!
Mary: It’s not about work. I wish it were about work.
Gretchen: You want to be talking about work? This is not the Mary I’ve known for nearly fifty years!
Mary: I know, but some things are even more unpleasant to discuss than work. For example, our mother.
Gretchen: What’s she up to? Do you need to get me involved? Because I don’t want to. She frightens me.
Mary: Nothing, I just felt like getting a dig in at her. No, this is even more unpleasant than her.
Gretchen: That is impossible, unless you’re asking something about the state of Connecticut.
Carol: I’ve never understood the hatred you have for Connecticut.
Gretchen: It’s just a nasty place. I can’t support that lifestyle.
Mary: Anyway! Gretchen, can we talk in private?
Gretchen: There’s nothing you can’t say in front of Carol. This is a family!
Mary: Can we at least close the door and lock it to avoid… intruders?
Gretchen: Oh, this is really personal. Menopause? It’s okay, it happens to all of us.
Mary: My god! You are so embarrassing!
Gretchen: Oh, so now it’s “embarrassing” to be the sister of the governor?
Mary: No, it’s embarrassing for your sister to be talking about menopause in public.
Carol: Hey, we’ve all experienced it.
Sarita: Not all of us!
Esther: I well past it, sister friend.
Mary: Oh my god, how long has she been here?
Gretchen: Oh, she just pops in like that sometimes, it’s no worry. She has bad ears anyway.
Esther: So that’s this big secret you have to spill, Mary? I heard menopause rumors!
Mary: Gretchen just said that ten seconds ago! And bad ears my ass! Lady, go away.
Esther: Going, going!
Mary: Thank god.
Gretchen: Really, though, what is it?
Samantha: Is something happening without me? The speaker’s here, the senior staff is here, t-
Jeanne: They’re being sneaky again, no surprise.
Mary: I am her sister! Not everything is a conspiracy, Jeanne.
Jeanne: Perfect cover for malfeasance.
Mary: You people are exhausting!
Samantha: We’re aware!
Gretchen: Everyone that does not work in THIS exact office, or is not related to me, you need to leave now!
Samantha: Adios!
Jeanne: I’m watching you.
Mary: Okay, after all of those interruptions, finally time to talk! So, you’re aware that I’ve been messaging with Patrick.
Gretchen: Yes, and?
Mary: So, things have taken a turn.
Sarita: Hold up. Patrick is…?
Mary: My ex-husband.
Carol: A contemptible ass.
Gretchen: To say the least.
Mary: Well, the contemptible ass wants to give it another shot, and I don’t know how to respond.
Gretchen: Hell no! That’s how to respond! Tell him not to let the door hit him where mother nature split him!
Mary: I understand the hesitation.
Gretchen: No hesitation here! I’m 100% confident in saying: abso-freaking-lutely not!
Mary: Again, I get where you’re coming from. But I am very lonely.
Gretchen: You have me, you have Eddie, you have, uh, you have Carol!
Mary: I mean no disrespect -
Carol: She’s about to say the most disrespectful thing anyone has ever said.
Mary: Having siblings, and a Carol, and a good job, that’s not a suitable replacement for a relationship. I miss romance!
Gretchen: Part of the reason you miss it is because the loser you were married to for almost twenty years might be the most un-romantic slug alive!
Mary: All right, no need to disparage anybody.
Gretchen: Clearly I have to, because you are considering making a marvelous mistake for no apparent reason! I have to knock some sense into my sister, she used to have some!
Mary: I didn’t say I was going back to him. I was just saying, he’s laid the offer on the table.
Gretchen: Move to a different table then.
Mary: You are no help!
Gretchen: It’s not a red flag to you at all that your sister is this opposed to you considering reconciling with your ex-husband?
Mary: You just hate him.
Gretchen: I have good reason! He’s a cheating louse!
Sarita: I find, in most situations, an ex is an ex for a reason.
Gretchen: See, she’s like fifteen and she knows better!
Sarita: Twenty-five.
Gretchen: That’s the same age to me.
Mary: I’m clearly not gonna have any thoughtful debate here about this, you’ve all made up your minds.
Carol: We just want what’s best for you, and we don’t think that’s Patrick. You can do what you want, though. We’ll support you.
Gretchen: Don’t get presumptuous, Carol.
Mary: Gretchen, you’re being so judgmental.
Gretchen: I’m not judging you. I’m judging him, and hoping you’ll trust that judgment. It is your life, though. I’ll do my best to respect whatever choice you make.
Mary: Thanks. This was not helpful, but at least I know where you stand.
Gretchen: I never have any problem making that known!
Later that day, in the car…
Gretchen: You know, mom, we saw Mary earlier today.
Lucinda: She works in the same building as you, that’s not a surprise.
Gretchen: Ah, mom, always so pleasant and kind.
Lucinda: I don’t like to converse just to spill face. Only talk if it’s worth talking about.
Carol: I agree!
Sarita: Why’d you look at me while I said that?
Carol: I think you know why.
Gretchen: Anyway, there was an important reason I was bringing that up. She’s considering getting back together with Patrick!
Lucinda: Oh, no!
Gretchen: I know!
Carol: This doesn’t feel like a conversation that needed to happen on the way to a meeting.
Lucinda: A meeting? I thought we were going to the game early!
Gretchen: Mom, it’s noon.
Lucinda: So?
Gretchen: The game starts at seven. We live an hour away.
Lucinda: By the way, the music can’t be this loud on the way home. It’ll be ten o’clock, I’m going to need to sleep.
Gretchen: You stay up past ten!
Lucinda: Not when I skip my afternoon nap! Anyway, that’s beside the point! My daughter’s doing something dumb, and for once, I’m not referring to you!
Gretchen: I don’t think that jab was necessary.
Lucinda: I think it was very necessary, I can’t let Mary’s recent shortcomings hide that you’re still my biggest screw-up.
Gretchen: I’m a three-term US Senator and the governor of Rhode Island.
Lucinda: So?
Carol: She’s a very accomplished woman.
Gretchen: Thank you for backing me up, Carol. Massachusetts, take note.
Lucinda: Can you turn the music down? No disrespect to Kelly Clarkson, but I have to call Mary right now.
Gretchen: Oh, that doesn’t seem like a ne-
Lucinda: Dialing!
Mary answers the call.
Mary: Mom! What’s this about, I thought you were g-
Gretchen: I’m sorry!
Mary: About wh-
Lucinda: Are you serious? Patrick! You have to be able to find a better man than that loser! Have some self-respect.
Mary: Lovely to speak to you, too. I see Gretchen’s aired out my business.
Lucinda: I’m your mother! Your business is my business!
Mary: I understand that that’s how you feel, but I must disagree.
Lucinda: Mary, just don’t make a mistake. This isn’t you!
Mary: Why does everyone think I’m leaning towards taking him back? I’m just considering it, we’re going to dinner. Not at a romantic place or anything, just somewhere to catch up, and I can see if there’s still any spark.
Lucinda: That’s too much time given to him! He’s not worth thinking about for even a second, let alone for an entire evening!
Mary: That’s my decision to make. You just enjoy your game and your night with Gretchen.
Lucinda: As if I’d ever enjoy a night with Gretchen!
Gretchen: You know, I’m right here!
Lucinda: Sadly…
Sarita: Is she always this mean? I don’t spend enough time with her to know.
Carol: She’s getting what she wants today, she’s usually meaner than this.
Sarita: That’s hard for me to comprehend.
Carol: It’s a struggle for those of us that know her, too.
Later that night…
Anthony: So, ladies, how was the game? You get to meet any players?
Lucinda: Gretchen was able to help me meet Sonia Citron, she’s one of my favorites!
Anthony: Does that mean you’re going to be nice to her then?
Gretchen: I think we all know the answer to that.
Anthony: Was the game good?
Gretchen: Oh my god, no. The Mystics beat the Sun into a pulp. I mean, me and mom could’ve clocked in to play on the Sun and we’d have done no worse.
Anthony: At least you had a nice time.
Lucinda: Aside from meeting Sonia, I did not. First, Kiki Iriafen was not able to meet with me, so that’s a strike against Gretchen.
Gretchen: I tried!
Lucinda: Second, Mary’s idiocy was all I could think of!
Anthony: Mary? She’s usually the one you like.
Lucinda: I’m gravely disappointed in her.
Anthony: Is this about Patrick?
Lucinda: Yes! How’d you know?
Anthony: She called. She didn’t want to bother the two of you at your game, so she just left a message for you. She said she and Patrick had dinner, and it brought back memories of what she went through, and she told him she wants nothing to do with him.
Lucinda: Good girl!
Anthony: She knew you’d be pleased.
Lucinda: For once, one of my children’s done something right!
Gretchen: I’m right here!
Lucinda: I know.
Gretchen: I should call her. I was pretty harsh on her over this whole Patrick thing.
Anthony: She said she’s glad you two both told her your feelings, it helped her.
Gretchen: I’ll call tomorrow, then. I’m happy about this, though. She needs a good guy. Not that… thing.
Lucinda: Mother always knows best, when will you kids realize this?
Gretchen: I was the one that told her first!
Lucinda: But I’m sure my words weighed more heavily on me. I’m a very persuasive woman.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
