Cindy: Does anyone know where Teri is?
Velma: At work, no?
Cindy: Seems a bit late for that, no?
Tammi: What time is it?
Cindy: Seven o’clock.
Tammi: And we haven’t eaten yet? What’s wrong with us?
Danielle: Well, ever since Ralph started up his new business, no one else can get in the kitchen on Thursdays or Fridays.
Ralph: Don’t blame me for trying to make a living!
Cindy: We’re not poor, we can afford to go out to eat if Ralph’s hogging the kitchen. In fact, let’s go there right now!
Betty: Not without Teri!
Cindy: Do we have to do everything together?
Betty: This is different. It would be mean to go out without telling her and eat and then expect her to get food for herself when she gets home.
Jerry: You could call her and ask her if she wanted to meet us there instead of keeping us all hungry and hostage.
Mitchell: Good idea! Thank god someone’s got a brain!
Frank: Get a room, you two.
Jerry:
Velma: You would like any idea that ends in you getting to slam some food into your mouth. One-track mind.
Karl: Should I get the car started?
Betty: We aren’t leaving just yet.
Tammi: It’s seven o’clock, are you planning to eat dinner at midnight?
Betty: I just… oh, fine, we’ll go now. But I need to get a good blouse on if we’re going anywhere fancy.
Tammi: I was thinking Texas Roadhouse.
Steven: I love Texas Roadhouse!
Jerry: Who doesn’t love Texas Roadhouse?
Danielle: Is that the place with the peanuts?
Jerry: That’s one way to put it.
Danielle: I have a gift card for that place. Let me go find it.
Frank: Now this is becoming a production.
Betty: Just be glad we’re letting you come with us!
Frank: Don you think you’re the boss of Texas Roadhouse? I have a car and a bank account, I can go there whenever I please!
Velma: I’m not his biggest fan, but he’s not wrong.
Betty: I’m calling Teri, you guys get in the care and get ready to leave.
Frank: How long are you going to be? It’s cold out.
Tammi: Don’t be such a drama queen.
Betty picks up her phone and calls Teri.
Teri: What’s up, mom?
Betty: Where are you?
Teri: I’m working a late shift at work, someone called out.
Betty: Wow, it sounds really loud there.
Teri: They’re playing music over the loudspeaker way louder than normal for some reason, we’re trying to figure it out.
Betty: How long are you gonna be there?
Teri: At least another hour, maybe two. Are you that worried about me?
Betty: No, we - okay, yes, I was a little worried. I was calling, though, to see if you wanted to join us for dinner. We’re going out.
Teri: You guys haven’t eaten yet?
Cindy: She was waiting for you!
Teri: Is that Cindy?
Cindy: She has it on speakerphone. She always does, she’s basically deaf.
Teri: I should’ve known that.
Betty: So I guess that’s a no on dinner, then.
Teri: Yeah, sorry. You guys have fun, though!
Cindy: Thanks, we will, bye!
Cindy hangs the phone up.
Betty: What was that for?
Cindy: Those people out there are hungry! If they have to wait another minute to leave for dinner, they’re gonna stage a mutiny!
Betty: I don’t think you give them enough credit.
Jerry and Mitchell press the horn on their cars.
Betty: Okay, you’re right.
Cindy: I usually am, people just never give me the chance to tell it like it is.
Later, at the restaurant…
Ralph: I can’t believe you ordered appetizers! I told you how overpriced they are at any restaurant!
Velma: Are you allergic to fun?
Ralph: I’m just trying to keep us from breaking the bank over mozzarella sticks.
Velma: We got fried pickles, actually. Let’s keep it factual.
Danielle: They’re arguing about pickles.
Cindy: I wish Teri was here to see this, she’d get a kick out of it. Dumbest argument I’ve seen in a long time!
Ralph: I made a suggestion, she took offense to it.
Velma: You took offense to me wanting delicious food! I’m sorry I’m hungry, but it’s almost eight o’clock!
Karl: Children!
Ralph: I’ll drop it.
Jerry: Thank god you’re here.
Danielle: I think I’m going to run to the bathroom. If the waitress brings the pickles, save me a few. If she wants a dinner order, I know Betty’s gonna take at least another half-hour to make her choice, so I’m not concerned about picking that out.
Mitchell: We got you covered!
Velma: That’s his way of saying he’s going to eat all of the fried pickles before you’re back and then blame it on me.
Mitchell: I’d never do that! You scare me too much! I’d blame it on Frank.
Frank: Why not? I get blamed for everything else!
Danielle gets up to go to the bathroom and immediately walks back to the table.
Jerry: Bathroom that bad?
Tammi: That sucks, I had to go, too!
Mitchell: The Arby’s across the street has a pretty clean bathroom from what I remember.
Velma: How would you know that?
Mitchell: I used to go there occasionally after work when I worked over in this area.
Danielle: It’s not that! I didn’t even make it in.
Frank: Oh, it was ocupado?
Danielle: I didn’t get anywhere near it! I saw something shocking!
Betty: The President!
Tammi: A rejected proposal!
Steven: Too soon…
Velma: Sir Elton John!
Danielle: For the love of God, stop guessing and let me tell you!
Karl: Now, you know good and well that being quiet is not how this family operates.
Danielle: That’s true. I should never expect normalcy.
Betty: Tell us what it is!
Ralph: Why would Sir Elton John be at an Texas Roadhouse in Central Virginia?
Velma: I don’t know!
Betty: Shut up!
Ralph: Wow!
Danielle: Teri is here.
Betty: No! She would never lie to me!
Danielle: Then she has a doppelgänger that lives in the same town!
Cindy: She lies to you all the time.
Ralph: ALL the time!
Betty: That’s not true!
Ralph: It is true!
Mitchell: So she believes Teri would never lie, but you two would… interesting.
Cindy: Well, Teri is the favorite, that’s what everyone always says!
Betty: That is not true! I love all of you equally.
Karl: Where was Teri, again? I need to go see this for myself.
Velma: We need to leave it be, she’s a grown woman, and also she gets very angry very easily.
Betty: If she is here, she lied to me. I don’t like being lied to by the children I so lovingly raised.
Ralph: Do you know how insane you sound?
Betty: Don’t say that about your mother!
Karl: Yeah, I think you know better than to do that.
Ralph: I’m sorry, it’s just true sometimes! She’s nuts! I say that lovingly.
Betty: Your father was the one who wanted to go check on her, I was perfectly fine just sitting here drinking my Diet Coke.
Tammi: Diet Pepsi.
Betty: It’s the same drink.
Tammy: Gasp!
Karl: It was a bad idea to fan those flames. That being said, I think the only way to stop this fighting and give us a peaceful dinner is to see once and for all if it’s really Teri.
Danielle: I don’t know whether to be insulted because no one believes me or insulted because everyone thinks I can’t identify my best friend from ten feet away. Either way, I’m insulted.
Cindy: I believe you.
Frank: I think it’s just the crazy old lady that doesn’t.
Steven: I wasn’t listening, what were we talking about?
Jerry: Nothing important.
Steven: Okay, good, I’ll go back to Candy Crush while we wait for the waitress to come back.
Karl: I’ll be right back, gang.
Danielle: I still have to, you know, go to the bathroom.
Karl: Just wait until I get back, two of us walking together will ensure she sees us and knows we’re snooping.
Karl walks away.
Mitchell: So, everyone place your bets, is it Teri?
Jerry: Of course it is.
Betty: It is not! She doesn’t lie to me.
Tammi: It’s clearly aunt Teri. The better question is why’s he hiding him from us?
Jerry: Is the answer not obvious? Look at this family.
Cindy: We’re fun!
Jerry: Fun to laugh at, yes. Fun. To spend the rest of your life married into… not so much.
Velma: Tell me about it!
Ralph: I choose not to take offense to that and believe that Jerry and Velma know they’re the problems in the family.
Velma: Did not say that.
Karl: Okay, gang, it’s her.
Betty: That’s it!
Cindy: Mother! No! Sit down!
Ralph: No, let this happen, this is like something you’d see on Vanderpump Rules.
Tammi: You watch Vanderpump Rules?
Ralph: Scandoval, baby.
Tammi: This has been such a weird dinner.
Betty: I’m sorry, I gotta go!
Betty gets up and approaches Teri’s table.
Betty: Hello!
Teri: Are you our waitress? What happened to our last one?
Betty: Don’t you dare!
Teri: Ben, this is my mother, Betty Bellwood. Mom, this is Ben, my colleague from work.
Ben: It’s so nice to meet you.
Betty: Nice to meet you, too. Teresa, you lied to me!
Teri: I did no such thing.
Betty: You were at work?
Teri: We were getting work done, it got late, we decided to finish up here.
Betty: You work at a store!
Teri: I got a promotion.
Ben: What’s going on here?
Teri: Nothing! She’s not well, Ben.
Betty: I’m fine!
Karl: Honey, let’s get back to the table. The waitress wants to know what we want to eat!
Betty: Get me a taco, I don’t care! I need to figure out what’s happening with my daughter!
Karl: She’s an adult! You can’t have control over her forever. Let’s go sit back down.
Teri: I’m so sorry about her.
Betty: You drive me up a wall, little lady!
Back at the table…
Cindy: I told you not to check to see if it was really her.
Karl: You did not!
Danielle: I regret saying anything until we were safely home and free from the possibility of that happening.
Jerry: I’m just glad they didn’t kick us out.
Later that night, at home…
Jerry: I can’t believe we got banned from another restaurant!
Tammi: Not just any restaurant. A Texas Roadhouse. Do you know how badly you have to act to get banned from a Texas Roadhouse?
Frank: Every Texas Roadhouse in America, actually.
Ralph: There’s no way they can enforce that, they were just really ticked off.
Mitchell: You know, some would argue that -
Velma: Stay out of this one.
Betty: I’m very sorry. If it makes you all feel any better, only I am banned. You all just got kicked out this one time.
Jerry: That makes it so much better. We were only publicly humiliated at a local restaurant, we weren’t actually banned from ever returning.
Karl: Objectively, that is less bad. Those of us that know how to act civilized will be allowed to return in the future.
Betty: I’m so sorry for acting so foolish! I didn’t mean to do that, it just came out.
Cindy: I have to be honest, I think they overreacted a little. That place is the Mecca for local alcoholics, there’s no way mom is the worst-behaved person they’ve ever seen. Someone was just in a bad mood and took it out on her.
Betty: Thank you!
The front door slams open.
Teri: I can explain.
Betty: Can you?
Frank: Oh no, it’s starting again
Betty: Oh, Frank, shut up!
Teri: I didn’t mean to lie, I just know how yet get when I’m seeing someone.
Betty: So you two weren’t just at Texas Roadhouse trying to sell Birkenstocks to the waitress?
Teri: It was our second date.
Betty: Second?
Cindy: Oh no.
Betty: You know what happened the last time one of my children hid something about their dating life from me? Tammi.
Tammi: I’ll be honest, I’m kinda glad mom did that.
Jerry: So am I, sweetie!
Tammi: Dad, that was unconvincing.
Jerry: Well, thirty-some years with this family will do that to a man.
Teri: I know how you act when I date someone. It’s so early, I didn’t want you to get too attached. You’re like a child in that way.
Betty: You could have at least fessed up when I saw him at the restaurant.
Teri: I was scrambling. In my defense, you guys never go to Texas Roadhouse. I thought I was safe there, I thought I found a Bellwood-free zone.
Betty: I’m just disappointed. I thought we had a relationship where you could feel free to tell me, and all of us, about what’s up in your life.
Teri: It was childish, and I was foolish. I’m not going to make that mistake again.Do you want to meet him?
Betty: I already did.
Teri: I mean for real. I’ll bring him here for dinner.
Betty: Is he still going to think I’m a dementia patient?
Jerry: You aren’t?
Teri: I told him everything, at risk of making myself look bad.
Cindy: Introducing him to the family on the third date? Too soon!
Ralph: Your third date was at Planned Parenthood, shut it!
Tammi: What?
Cindy: Just for family planning advice, nothing else.
Tammi: You better not be lying like Teri.
Teri: I don’t love being the family face of lying.
Frank: Don’t lie then!
Tammi: Frank, shut it.
Betty: I’d love to have him over for dinner, Teri.
Teri: Thank god! All is well again!
Jerry: Not so fast! We still haven’t eaten dinner!
Velma: We gotta have leftovers in the fridge, no?
Jerry: Could’ve had a steak?
Betty: How many times do I have to apologize?
Jerry: A few more.
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
