Fred: It’s a miracle!
Olivia: What is, dear?
Fred: You just missed it! England scored the game-winning goal with twenty seconds left in the game!
Olivia: I go to grab a glass of water for thirty seconds and I miss the game-winner. Come on!
Fred: You knew there was only a minute left in this game!
Olivia: I figured it was going to extra time and I wanted my refreshments.
Fred: You don’t need them now! We’re off to the round of sixteen!
Olivia: Were we not expected to win today? I don’t mean to disparage them, they gave us a good scare, but we faced a team that hasn’t qualified since Harold Wilson was prime minister.
Fred: Any team can win on any given day, and we weren’t exactly playing well on this particular day.
Olivia: But we endure! What a lovely time the World Cup is. I feel such a sense of national togetherness.
Fred: And that all could’ve gone away if we hadn’t hit that goal!
Olivia: That’s in the past now! Who do we take on next?
Fred: Mexico. In Mexico.
Olivia: All right, not exactly ideal. The crowd will be working against us.
Fred: They should’ve held the World Cup here. We appreciate football. The Americans call it “soccer.” A bunch of uncultured animals!
Olivia: You can thank… well, I’m not sure which Tory prime minister was in charge when the bidding for hosting took place, but it was their fault.
Fred: I would love to see a match in person. Who knows if I’ll ever get the chance again.
Olivia: Why are you talking as if you’re ninety like my mother?
Fred: Four years is a long time! Anything could happen!
Olivia: If you want to go see the next game, you don’t have to guilt trip me. I’d be happy to go!
Fred: You would? I thought you swore off the Americas after that presidential visit?
Olivia: I just said that in the heat of the moment. As long as I don’t have to deal with the United States’ so-called leader, I’ve got no issue with visiting.
Fred: Oh, this will be such fun! We never get to go on a trip together, just you and I. Do you think Todd will be all right with it?
Olivia: Why would he not be? I think he and Norah are fully capable of raising their child without our help for a few days.
Fred: But will he be all right with being left alone with Meredith?
Olivia: I warned him that he’d have to deal with that woman forever if he got serious with Norah, he made his choice. I tell you, I don’t get it. She’s a lovely girl, but having that woman as your mother-in-law should just be a deal-breaker.
Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace…
Claude: Mummy, do you think this would be a good time for a family trip?
Eleanor: While the World Cup is going on? I want to watch my football!
Christine: Yeah, Claude, the TV service at Balmoral’s pretty spotty.
Selina: You’d think we’d have the means to fix that.
Claude: I don’t mean Balmoral. I mean a place where we could greatly enjoy the World Cup.
Christine: I don’t think walking to the living room couch is considered a “family trip,” dear.
Claude: I think we ought to head to Mexico to cheer on England in the round of sixteen.
Eleanor: My, I have not attended a World Cup game in decades.
Claude: Precisely why it’s time we all head to a game together as a family. It’ll be a blast!
Ethan: I hate football!
Selina: Did anyone ask you?
Claude: I think seeing it in person could change your mind.
Ethan: It might make me hate it more, that’s true.
Christine: We don’t have much time to organize this trip, the match is in a few days.
Claude: Not a problem! We are better-prepared than anyone to organize a trip on short notice.
Christine: That is true. We are privileged, as they say.
Selina: We’re not privileged!
Ethan: Dear, I know you’re out of touch, but even you have to know we have it pretty good.
Selina: I disagree. No one else has to deal with Olivia and her antics!
Christine: That actually raises a good question. Who all are we bringing along on this trip?
Eleanor: Surely Olivia makes the list, if that’s what you’re asking.
Christine: She’s not a football fan.
Ethan: Neither am I, and you’re making me go!
Christine: Fine…
Selina: At least I’m not alone in being opposed to inviting that disruptive woman.
Claude: The whole family is invited!
Christine: Even her children? And what about Mandy?
Claude: Mandy will be staying home, for her own safety.
Mandy: Who is Mandy? Where is home?
Ethan: Is she getting worse?
Eleanor: She seems the same to me!
Selina: Do we have to bring Meredith if we bring Todd?
Claude: No! That is a major conflict of interests, we are not flying a former PM on the royal aircraft!
Selina: I don’t want Fred coming along.
Claude: He’s coming with.
Eleanor: He is a nice man, I have no clue why some of you continue to insist otherwise.
Selina: He’s a nuisance.
Eleanor: We can all be a nuisance from time to time. For example, you are being one right now!
Claude: I’ll give Olivia a call, and then I’ll call Arthur and Claire, and… do we need to invite Anthony?
Eleanor: Of course!
Claude: It’s not like he’ll come.
Eleanor: He is part of this family!
Ethan: Yes, he’s mum’s favorite.
Eleanor: I have no favorite!
Ethan: That’s not what papa told me.
Eleanor: He lied sometimes. For fun.
Christine: What about Nathan and the wench?
Eleanor: Oh, I do not care for her.
Selina: See! We all have people we dislike!
Alicia: I’m right here!
Eleanor: American…
Alicia: I thought you all finally accepted me!
Christine: You will always be American, so a part of us will always hate you. You don’t belong here.
Nathan: That’s my wife you’re talking about.
Christine: And you marrying her has us reconsidering how we feel about you, dear.
Nathan: You gave birth to me!
Ethan: You’re right, Claude. This trip is already proving to be unifying.
Claude: In fairness, I did forget they were in the room with us.
Later that night, Claude calls Olivia.
Olivia: Oh, Claude! To what do I owe the pleasure?
Claude: Just wanted to call to check in!
Olivia: I saw you yesterday.
Claude: A lot’s happened since then! England beat Congo!
Olivia: What a thriller!
Claude: I thought you didn’t like football?
Olivia: I do prefer equestrian events, but Fred’s gotten me into it this summer. It’s much more exciting than I previously believed.
Claude: Then I have a thrilling proposition for you!
Olivia: I’m excited to hear what it could be, seeing as it’s clearly popped up in the last day.
Claude: I’m organizing a family trip to Mexico.
Olivia: Mexico?
Claude: For England’s next World Cup game!
Olivia: I figured that, but do you think we’ll be welcome? We’re playing their home team.
Claude: Football fans are a reasonable people. They will treat us with the respect we’ve earned.
Olivia: I’m not convinced. We don’t want to make a spectacle.
Claude: If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re trying to get out of this family trip!
Olivia: No! Never! I’m just providing a simple warning. I’ll be there if you go ahead with it.
Claude: Fantastic! Now, could you invite your kids for me? I want to make sure everyone’s included.
Olivia: Oh, this is becoming a whole-family affair.
Claude: Yes! It’s going to be lovely!
Olivia: I’m sure.
Claude: We’re going to leave on Friday. Make sure to be there!
Olivia: I’ll be there, with bells on!
Claude: No need to wear bells.
Olivia: It’s an expression.
Claude: That’s the difference between us. You’ve had the free time in your life to learn about these so-called “expressions.” I’ve been far too busy for that, preparing for my reign and all.
Olivia: You don’t have to be a douche about it.
Olivia hangs up.
Olivia: Fred!
Fred: What’s wrong? Your tone implies -
Olivia: My brother.
Fred: What’s he done?
Olivia: The entire family is attending the England/Mexico match now.
Fred: No! Come on!
Olivia: I know.
Fred: This was supposed to be our special thing, now it’s a whole diplomatic engagement. We’re going to be on TV. I wanted to just heckle Mexico from the comfort of my own seat.
Olivia: You’re preaching to the choir! I love a good heckling! Trust me, I did everything I could to discourage this. Claude is stubborn.
Fred: Ah well, at least we don’t have to pay for our own tickets now.
Olivia: That is a good point! I love a bargain!
Fred: You don’t think they’ll be too much of a hassle, right?
Olivia: They won’t be so bad, except maybe Selina. The attention my brother will draw, though, is going to be a nuisance. But we’ll survive.
Later that week, on the flight to Mexico…
Gigi: Todd, I can’t believe you left your fiancé and baby at home to go to a football game.
Todd: She told me to go!
Gigi: Now that I believe.
Todd: Why do you always have to give me a hard time?
Gigi: You make it so easy!
Olivia: Children, behave.
Christine: Did you ever expect to still have to be saying that when your children were in their forties?
Olivia: They were always very bratty, I knew it was a possibility.
Gigi: I was not a brat!
Selina: Then you turned into one.
Gigi: I’m not a brat!
Eleanor: Dear, I love you, but you are a brat. That does not mean you are not special and wonderful. It just means you drive us insane sometimes.
Claire: I’m just glad your mother-in-law didn’t join us, Todd. I can’t stand the woman.
Olivia: Neither can I!
Todd: I feel like I do have an obligation to speak up and push back when you guys say these sort of things about her now.
Gigi: Be for real! Nobody likes their mother-in-law!
Olivia: Warren likes me! Right, Warren?
Warren: Oh, of course! You’re the best, Liv!
Christine: You should be calling her “Your Royal Highness.”
Olivia: No, he should not be.
Christine: This is why so few of us respect you.
Fred: So, football! We’re all excited for football, no?
Ethan: Hate it!
Olivia: Fred! Are you not going to defend me?
Fred: All I want to focus on is the football! I’m very excited, aren’t you all?
Olivia: You’re acting strange.
Gigi: He’s acting like Warren used to when big games were coming up.
Warren: Not all of us could rely on a horse to do the work for us, dear.
Gigi: Oh, really? The horse did all the work?
Warren: The horse should’ve gotten the medals!
Claude: Everyone, calm down!
Selina: “Everyone?” It’s just Olivia’s family making a scene.
Olivia: I’ve done nothing.
Selina: You’ve done plenty. You’re the one responsible for all of them being on the plane!
Claude: We are all family, and we will respect one another and stop the harassment. That includes you, Selina.
Selina: Me?
Claude: We need good, positive thoughts in the air for England. Only positive energy.
Eleanor: Do you think that will be their key to victory? Energy?
Claude: It can’t hurt.
Christine: In other words, everyone shut up and relax!
Arthur: Could we at least watch a movie?
Christine: I can’t imagine everyone here agreeing on which film to watch, but propose some choices.
Arthur: Remember the Titans.
Claire: I think the children would prefer Toy Story.
Olivia: I quite like Toy Story.
Claire: Toy Story it is!
Selina: Are we eight years old?
Olivia: I hope not. You’d look quite rough for eight.
Selina: Claude! She’s trying to provoke me!
Christine: You should really be calling him “Your Majesty.”
Selina: Christine, don’t start.
Ethan: What she said.
Selina: I think I want a divorce.
Olivia: Someone remind me to purchase some champagne when we land.
Gigi: It’s Mexico, I think tequila would be more appropriate.
Two days later…
Claude: All right, we are about to enter! The spotlight will be on us, we simply must act graciously and not make too much of a scene. We don’t need the boys feeling too much stress.
Eleanor: Stress can lead to victory! Knowing you have something to play for can only help, not hurt!
Claude: I can’t recall a time where stress has ever made me perform better than I would’ve without feeling the stress.
Christine: You were quite stressed delivering our wedding vows on international television, and those turned out well!
Claude: I called you the wrong name!
Alicia: And that was so funny!
Claude: Don’t alienate one of your few allies, Alicia.
Alicia: Do you really all dislike me?
Olivia: I’m quite fond of you, dear!
Alicia: Oh god, I really am a loser!
Olivia: That was mean.
Alicia: I don’t mean it that way. It’s just… you tend to like things out of spite, because everyone else dislikes it.
Olivia: I do not!
Alicia: You were the only one who was willing to defend the Snow White remake.
Olivia: I thought the young lady playing her was quite talented.
Christine: That movie was shite!
Alicia: See?
Arthur: Does that mean she’s going to root for Mexico?
Selina: I’ll kill her!
Olivia: I would never! Now, let’s get to our seats before the match begins.
Thirty minutes later…
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for King Claude of the United Kingdom and the Royal Family!
Crowd: Boo!
Fan 1: Go back to England!
Fan 2: You suck!
Christine: We do not “suck!”
Claude: Honey, don’t engage.
Eleanor: This is humiliating.
Olivia: I believe I warned you, Claude.
Claude: I knew the risks. I just thought our hosts might have a bit more hospitality.
Olivia: It’s sports. Sport will turn anyone into a raging maniac, we all know this. Rational thought is tossed out the window.
Claude: Not always!
Olivia: Often…
Claude: At least we should still get to watch the game in peace.
Selina: I bet Olivia put them up to this!
Olivia: Shut up!
Claude: … or not.
What did you think of this week's episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
