The family is at an HOA meeting.
Anita: All right, folks, this is our last order of business before we’re all free to go our separate ways.
Betty: Thank god! We’ve been here for two hours!
Anita: We’re all well aware of how long these meetings can take, it’s the sacrifice we make in order to keep our community beautiful.
Betty: You drag everything out.
Anita: Better than being a drag like you.
Steven: Anita, is Alysa mad at me?
Tammi: Steven, not now!
Steven: I have to know! I didn’t sit through two hours of community planning to not find out!
Anita: What are you talking about, man?
Steven: We had an awkward moment last week.
Anita: This is a serious public meeting, not a time to talk about teenage dating! We can talk later, not now!
Steven: Okay, I don’t have any questions, then.
Anita: I didn’t ask if you did!
Tammi: Don’t yell at my son, lady!
Lianne: Can we keep this rolling, Anita? Some of us have places to be.
Amelia: And some of us expected this to have wrapped an hour ago, like it would have if we had a normal president.
Betty: It’s an election year. We should have an election and get her out!
Anita: That’s… no! That’s not how it works. The board chooses, and the board is happy with me.
Amelia: We got her flustered, that’s fun!
Lianne: I could buy this entire community, just so you’re aware. This could all be mine. So, don’t go out of your way to irritate me.
Anita: I’m sorry, I meant to stay focused, the Bellwoods just trigger me!
Teri: Most of us have been completely silent!
Betty: Just spit out this last order of business so we can go home and be free!
Anita: The HOA is hosting a fundraiser in two weeks at the Lakey Funzone, all the money will go towards repairing our tennis court, which has been riddled with cracks and other signs of aging.
Teri: Thank god it’s for a good cause, I thought it was going to be for some nonsense, like kids with cancer or rescue dogs.
Anita: I detect your sarcasm, and I say that there is a place in society for many different sorts of charity! There is no right way to be charitable! This helps our community and improves our lives, is that so bad?
Teri: I never said that, don’t have a guilty conscience.
Anita: Well, there’s a signup sheet at the door for those who want to volunteer and help us set it up, we truly appreciate anyone who donates their time and effort to helping our cause. And, with that, this meeting is adj-
Betty: I have a question.
Cindy: Mom!
Betty: Doesn’t the cost of the rental fee of the Funzone sort of negate any fundraising we’d be doing? It’s got to be expensive to rent that out for a day, we’ll be lucky to break even. How many people will really donate to us, we’re not exactly the Red Cross.
Anita: The owner of the Funzone is friends with a member of our HOA -
Lianne: Me!
Anita: and they were happy to work out a lower price point for us in the name of charity.
Teri: Sounds to me like you just used your connections to get us a cheap day at the Funzone. Well played, Anita.
Anita: Thank you! Finally a bit of respect coming from your wretched family. This meeting is now officially adjourned!
Steven: Can we talk now?
Anita: Sorry, I gotta run!
Steven: You said -
Anita: Got an appointment, sorry!
Cindy: Just call her, kiddo. Better than trying to get information out of that creature.
Lianne: Hey, before everyone goes, I have to ask who made this mac and cheese! This is amazing!
Ralph: Oh, that was me! Glad you like it!
Lianne: You know, I’m having a party next week at my house for some of my business friends. Do you think you could cater it? I haven’t found much luck finding any good caterers around here and this is the best food I’ve had in a long time.
Ralph: Wow, that’s a really cool offer. I don’t really cook professionally anymore, not ever since my heart attack. My heart’s still not right, that’s why I don’t work. The long days cooking were too much of a strain. I guess I could help a friend out once, though.
Lianne: Thank you! And I’m sorry to hear about your health problems, it’s so awful when life gets in the way of our passions.
Ralph: Think of it this way, though, I’d never get to watch so many episodes of The View if I still worked every day. There are perks to being a leech on society.
Lianne: Don’t say that! We all contribute to society in different ways, and you seem to be a very stand-up guy. Your whole family actually seems to be great, you‘ve done a lot to make me feel welcome.
Ralph: Well, you’re very rich, so we’re trying to get those perks.
Lianne: You say that jokingly, but I’m pretty sure most people in this neighborhood actually feel that way. Case in point -
Ralph: Anita.
Lianne: Yes.
Ralph: She’s different.
Lianne: I learned that quickly. No one else is quite like her.
Karl: Ralph, are you coming?
Ralph: Oh, yeah.
Jerry: Yeah, wouldn’t want to have to walk that half a mile home!
Betty: I’m not leaving without everyone! Bad things happen in the night!
Teri: Yeah, Jerry! Night is scary! That’s why she locks our house up like Fort Knox!
Jerry: I’m sorry, I forgot about all those murders and kidnappings in our neighborhood.
Betty: There was the one!
Jerry: I forgot about that! Maybe the night really is scary?
Velma: It happened in the daytime.
Lianne: I’ll talk to you later, you guys have a good night.
Later that night, when the family returns home…
Teri: So, what was that about with Lianne? You making new friends?
Frank: Is someone trying to get with the billionaire? Pretty smart, we could use more money!
Tammi: Oh my god, Frank! You sound disgusting!
Teri: Finally, she sees the truth!
Frank: I’m not calling Ralph a gold digger, maybe he really is interested in her for reasons beyond her money.
Ralph: Oh my god, everyone shut up! She wanted me to cater her party.
Betty: Oh my god, are you getting back into catering? That’s great!
Ralph: Not really. I mean, to a degree I am. That degree being a one-time exception being made for a neighbor. It’s not something I’ll be sticking with long-term.
Betty: It’s good to see you doing it anyway. More people than just us should get to experience your cooking!
Ralph: Thank you for being my hype-woman.
Teri: She never hypes me up like that.
Betty: I do so! I hype up all my children, I think you’re all incredible and bright.
Jerry: Yes, Teri, she’s always telling us you’re the best shoe saleswoman she knows!
Teri: Screw off, Jerry! You’re just bitter you had to immediately go back to work after retiring because Cindy told you to just to make mom happy.
Jerry: That is not what happened! I’m helping out my family, it was a selfless act.
Their: Sure!
Karl: How did this turn into an argument?
Ralph: Have you met this family? Everything’s an argument. We argue over what time of day it is, and that has a definitive answer!
Jerry: It’s 19:45!
Teri: Normal people call that “7:45!”
Jerry: When you serv-
Ralph: Ah, great, I started more nonsensical discourse. Cool.
The next week, at Lianne’s house…
Lianne: Hey, Ralph!
Ralph: Yeah?
Lianne: I know you’re busy in there, but would you mind coming out here to meet everyone? They’re all raving over the food.
Ralph: I don’t like the attention, to be honest.
Lianne: You can be in and out, they just want to give you some deserved recognition for the incredible food you made for us.
Ralph: In and out?
Lianne: In and out.
Ralph: All right, I don’t have anything going on right now anyway, the soup needs to simmer for a little while.
Lianne: Everybody, this is our caterer, Ralph Bellwood! He’s my neighbor and the best cook I know.
Anita: Ralph? You cook?
Ralph: You gotta be kidding me.
Anita: What?
Ralph: You eat my cooking every time there’s an HOA meeting.
Anita: How am I supposed to know that? I’m very busy during those meetings.
Ralph: Lianne, I thought you said this was a party for your friends in business.
Lianne: The HOA is a business in a sense.
Ralph: But how is she anyone’s friend?
Anita: I’m a very warm and caring person if I’m given the chance.
Lianne: Also, she basically forced me to invite her after she found of about it. She threatened to tell all of the other HOA ladies about it and show up uninvited with them.
Anita: But I did it in a friendly way!
Ralph: Anyway, hello everyone, I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the food, I’m going to head back in and make some more! Have fun and enjoy your party!
Anita: Wait!
Ralph: Damn, what?
Anita: I need you to cater the HOA fundraiser next week.
Ralph: No! I’m not a caterer! This was a one-time favor for a neighbor.
Anita: I really need you to help me out here, man! I have a week and I can’t find a caterer!
Ralph: How do I keep finding myself in this situation
Anita: I’ll match whatever she paid you.
Ralph: I thought the money was going to the HOA?
Anita: Ah, I was just making excuses so I could host a big social event. It barely makes any money.
Ralph: All right, that admission is enough to get me to do it. Mom’s gonna love that one.
Anita: Do not tell her! She’ll use it against me!
Ralph: I can’t make any promises.
Anita: If you’re going to give my nemesis dirt on me, can you at least do me a solid and cater my fundraiser?
Ralph: I guess. I’m going back to the kitchen now before I get pressured into anything else.
Two hours later…
Lianne: Ah, that was fun! Thank you for that!
Ralph: It was good to be back in the kitchen again cooking for real. Making dinner for the family isn’t the same as cooking hors d’oeuvres, entrees and dessert for twenty people.
Lianne: That’s not that much less than your actual family, in fairness.
Ralph: Yeah, but I half-ass it with them. They’re grateful for whatever they get.
Lianne: I’m glad you’ve enjoyed it. My friends were all raving, a bunch of them wrote their numbers and names down for you. They want you to cater for them, too.
Ralph: Lianne, you’re really sweet, but I’m not interested in going back to professional cooking. It’s a great ego boost, though.
Lianne: I understand your hesitation, but I think you should sit on it. Even doing it once a week is pretty great pay. Take a look.
Ralph: Five thousand dollars?
Lianne: You do good work, it should be richly rewarded. Give it a thought.
Ralph: Did you tell Anita you were paying me this much?
Lianne: Why would I?
Ralph: Oh, that’s gonna be a fun conversation!
Later that day, when Ralph returns home…
Betty: How did everything go?
Ralph: You know, it felt good to get back in the kitchen in that regard! I mean, I really never expected to do that again.
Teri: You gonna do it again?
Ralph: Well, I’m thinking about it. It’s really quite lucrative. Before, I just worked for other people, I got a flat rate based on how many hours of I worked. If I’m doing it myself, pure profit! The people at the party all seemed to like it, they basically gave me a whole page of potential clients!
Karl: Are you feeling up to it, physically?
Ralph: I’ve lost a lot of weight since my heart attack, my doctor says I’m in pretty good health, and I felt fine in there today. If I go slowly, don’t overwhelm myself, I think I can make it work.
Karl: That’s good to hear!
Betty: This is exciting! Another one of my kids is making it big!
Ralph: I wouldn’t say that!
Betty: The rich people want to pay you to cook for them! That’s big!
Teri: Ah, yes, everyone aspires to be a servant in life. That’s how you know you’ve made it big!
Betty: Don’t demean him!
Teri: I’m not, I’m happy for him. I just don’t think you should act like he’s the next Steve Jobs. It’s not like he’s gonna take this to Shark Tank.
Ralph: You know who hired me already to cater for them?
Cindy: You already got another job? Sounds like this new catering business is pretty much a done deal at this point.
Ralph: It’s another favor.
Jerry: Who is it?
Ralph: Anita.
Frank: That’s a good one!
Tammi: He’s not laughing.
Jerry: Are you being serious or just trying to give Betty a stroke?
Ralph: She was at Leanne’s and asked me to care the HOA fundraiser. She said she’d match what Leanne pays me, and she’s in for quite the shock! I can’t wait!
Betty: I’m dismayed by this life choice, but you’re still my child and I still stand by you.
Ralph: Good to know I’m not disowned yet.
Steven: Speaking of Anita, great news, Alysa and I are still on! She’s not mad! She was just studying for her science test!
Velma: Words can’t express our relief.
Cindy: Mom, I’m really proud of your reaction. I thought you’d be throwing things by now. This is a moment of genuine personal growth.
Teri: I know that look. She’s chipping a few teeth to suppress her rage.
Betty: I’m fine!
Ralph: Hey, mom, if it makes you feel any better, Anita admitted to me that the HOA fundraisers don’t actually make money and she just does them to keep up her social status.
Betty: That makes me feel so much better, thank you!
One week later…
Karl: Welcome home! We’ve all been nervous!
Ralph: Nervous? I catered an Anita party, I didn’t serve in ‘Nam.
Betty: Being with Anita is worse.
Karl: I’d dispute that.
Betty: Agree to disagree.
Jerry: How’d it go, though? Betty’s been pacing the floor, terrified you’d think Anita’s not really Satan in the flesh after spending a few hours with her.
Ralph: She’s a pain in the ass, but today’s solidified things for me. I’m gonna open my own catering business.
Danielle: That’s great! I’ve always told you that you should do that!
Teri: Oh, we all have, you’re not so special!
Danielle: That was unnecessarily aggressive.
Teri: Sorry.
Ralph: I’m gonna get a Facebook page set up, maybe a website, advertise in the paper, I’m serious about this. I won’t take on more than I can chew, I know my limits. It’s just, uh, time to get off the couch.
Mitchell: I’m gonna miss my TV buddy!
Ralph: Yeah, same here, bud.
Velma: That was the least-convincing thing I’ve ever heard.
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
