Marietta is at Martin and Patty Lynn’s for dinner.
Kathleen: All right, I had to leave the kitchen. That woman is crazy.
Marietta: Is that something you’re just finding out now?
Kathleen: No, I was just under the impression that I was strong enough to withstand it. I was wrong.
Milton: What was she saying this time?
Kathleen: I was stirring the rice wrong. It’s rice!
Marietta: Ooh, is she making jambalaya?
Kathleen: I don’t know, I got yelled at and left before she said what she had planned.
Martin: The kitchen is officially off-limits, folks!
Kathleen: Did you get kicked out?
Martin: Sort of. I wasn’t intending to stay in there to begin with, but I was told on my way out that no one’s allowed back in. I don’t know what she’s doing in there?
Marietta: Probably poisoning us.
Kathleen: Well, we had a good run.
Amy: Did we?
Kathleen: Oh, good, the others have arrived!
Amy: Others? Is that any way to address guests?
Marietta: Yeah, that’s not the southern hospitality we’re known for!
Kathleen: Are you really a guest when you’re here once a week? That’s called a series regular on a TV show.
Marietta: Come on, ladies, no fighting!
Kathleen: It wouldn’t be this family without some fighting!
Marietta: That’s… not wrong.
Milton: Still, let’s try not to get at each other too much. Mom is clearly in there working very hard to make us a good meal, she doesn’t need us causing a ruckus out here.
Martin: I agree. I know it’s all in good nature, but tonight should be a night for relaxing and having fun, not for bickering, not even in jest.
Kathleen: What will we talk about if we’re not giving each other a hard time?
Martin: I’m sure you’ll all think of something.
Tammy: I started watching the fifth season of Scandal today.
Milton: Oh my god, you’re still on that?
Tammy: It’s perfection, it has to be savored!
Milton: Scandal is perfection?
Martin: You guys are even bickering over Scandal!
Milton: We’re not bickering!
Tammy: Yes, I’m just defending Kerry Washington’s honor.
Henrietta: Has anyone done anything fun lately that won’t prompt outrage?
Marietta: No such activity exists. We’ll always find something to complain about.
Kathleen: I think that’s what’s truly special about this family. We always find something to be bitter and angry about.
Tammy: Outrage is what keeps the world spinning.
Patty Lynn: A bit of an update on dinner… I may have potentially burnt something and it may be inedible. I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure it out. Either way, what I’m trying to say is dinner will be delayed.
Kathleen: Maybe it wouldn’t have been burnt if you’d let me help.
Patty Lynn: You were barely doing anything in there, you were just getting in my way. If anything, you’re the reason this happened.
Kathleen: You’ve got to be kidding.
Milton: She does’t sound like she’s kidding.
Marietta: She doesn’t kid about dinner.
Sarah: She’s like Paula Dean in that sense, minus the racism.
Moira: What if we get takeout?
Patty Lynn: Takeout? You’ve got to be kidding!
Moira: You’re right, I was wrong.
Milton: No, it’s a good idea. She’s just too stubborn to go for it.
Patty Lynn: I’m sorting it out! No one get antsy, I’ll fix it!
Marietta: We’re all confident you will, mother. You always do.
Kathleen: Does she?
Martin: Kathleen!
Kathleen: I spoke my truth!
Four hours later…
Moira: Well, that was a nice night, as always,
Milton: Such a shame we had to leave right after dinner, but at least we got to talk with the family while mom was in there making it.
Moira: I was a little scared for her in there. She locked herself in that kitchen, all that heat can’t be good for someone of her age.
Milton: She’s been through worse. For example, every Thanksgiving.
Sarah: I’m not feeling so good.
Milton: What do you mean?
Sarah: My stomach, I need to run to the bathroom.
Milton: Do you think it was your grandmother’s cooking?
Sarah: Be serious!
Milton: I am!
Moira: I don’t see how anything in there could’ve been undercooked, it took four hours to prepare. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
Milton: It’s more fun to blame mom, though.
Moira: Nothing about this is my definition of “fun.” She’s currently puking her guts out on the floor of the bathroom.
Milton: I’m gonna text mom and ask what she put in our food.
Moira: Be serious!
Milton: Do you want me to ask her if she needs anything?
Moira: That’d be the responsible thing, no?
Milton: Isn’t it hard to believe I’m the one with roughly twenty years more parenting experience than you?
Moira: It really is.
Milton: Sarah, honey, are you okay in there?
Sarah: No!
Milton: Oh, I’m sorry! Do you need anything?
Sarah: Can you get me my iPad?
Milton: Your what?
Sarah: My iPad!
Milton: You need that now? You think that’d be a good idea?
Sarah: I’m not going to puke on it!
Milton: You sure?
Sarah: Just get it!
Milton: Okay. Uh… where is it?
Sarah: In my computer bag in my room.
Milton: All right, going to get it.
Moira: How is she?
Milton: She wants her iPad.
Moira: Typical kid.
Milton: I’m apparently allowed in her room in order to get it.
Moira: Wow! That’s a shock!
Milton: I’m just going to rush in and get it before she changes her mind and yells at me for entering her lair.
Moira: Good idea. Girls her age, you know, they’re very temperamental. I know, because I once was one.
Milton: Oh my god! Moira!
Moira: What?
Milton: Come here!
Moira: I’m scared to enter.
Milton: Shh!
Moira: You were the one who yelled first.
Milton: Just get in here!
Moira: I’m coming!
Milton: Hurry!
Moira: Oh my god, this better be something important. You’re talking like someone’s dead in there.
Moira walks into Sarah’s room.
Milton: Close the door!
Moira: Why?
Milton: Pot!
Moira: What?
Milton: I found pot.
Moira: Like, a potted plant?
Milton: Marijuana!
Moira: Why did you say that word like you’re Bette Midler?
Milton: I’m not really focused on the pronunciation, dear! My daughter has pot in her room!
Moira: She’s an adult.
Milton: She’s my daughter! It’s my house!
Moira: I know I came into her life late, and I don’t get much of a say here, but this feels like an overreaction. Kids experiment, just be glad it’s marijuana and not anything worse.
Milton: What could she get into that could possibly be worse?
Moira: Do you want me to run down a list of drugs, or…?
Milton: She’s my daughter!
Moira: Yes?
Milton: She’s not supposed to do drugs!
Moira: It’s gonna be okay. You can talk to her about it when she’s feeling up to it.
Milton: How do I go about that? “By the way, I know you love drugs now?” I bet that’s why she’s sick! It’s the pot!
Moira: You sound insane!
Milton: Do I?
Moira: Yes! I’m honesty surprised you’re so upset about this. You’ve always been in favor of legalization.
Milton: I’m also against Prohibition, but I’d be mad if I found a case of Coors under her bed!
Moira: It’s an odd situation for sure. I don’t think you should panic, though. Give her her iPad and we can sort this out in the morning when she’s better. It’s not the end of the world.
Milton: I guess you’re right.
Moira: I’m glad to see you respect my wise words. I think you’ll find that “right” is my default setting.
Milton: Don’t push it too far.
Moira: Got it.
Later that night…
Milton: Hey, Kate, I hope it’s not too late for you.
Kate: It’s eleven o’clock.
Milton: Is that late for you or no?
Kate: I watch SNL on Sunday morning, if that answers that question.
Milton: I can let you go if you want, it’s not that big of a deal.
Kate: No, no! If you decided to call, it’s clearly something important. What’s going on?
Milton: I found drugs in Sarah’s room!
Kate: Oh my god! Cocaine?
Milton: No, not that bad. Pot.
Kate: Hold on.
Milton: What do you mean “hold on?”
Kate: I’m getting Ellie on the line, she’s the expert on that.
Milton: Oh, I’d really rather not -
Ellie: What’s up?
Milton: Do you two have some sort of psychic connection?
Ellie: Yes.
Kate: El, Milton found pot in his daughter’s room.
Ellie: Ah, good for Sarah!
Kate: He’s upset about it.
Ellie: Oh, bad Sarah! Just say no!
Milton: Be serious, Ellie.
Ellie: So you want my serious advice, as a mom who went through this?
Milton: Yes!
Ellie: It’s not a big deal.
Milton: It is to me!
Ellie: Kids are idiots, Milton. This is far from the worst thing she’ll ever get her hands on.
Milton: That’s not really all that comforting.
Ellie: It’s brutal honesty. Parenting is tough.
Kate: She’s not wrong. Kids are a pain in the ass.
Ellie: Wow, even Kate’s not holding back!
Kate: I’m tired, I’m sort of a bitch when I’m tired.
Milton: I just feel like this is my fault. I’m away from Sarah for so long, across the country, of course she’s going to act out. She must feel abandoned!
Ellie: Landfield, don’t you even dare think of retiring! That senate seat of yours is gone the second you step down!
Milton: I’m not stepping down. I just feel guilt.
Kate: She didn’t die, Milton. She smoked some pot. This doesn’t mean she’s destined for a life on the streets or anything.
Milton: I know, but I feel like if I were around, I could’ve kept her in line better.
Kate: We have to let our kids make mistakes. It’s all part of life.
Ellie: Besides, if she’s gonna go down the drug path, at least pot is a fun one. Not highly addictive, not all that harmful, legal in many states. She’s using her brain.
Kate: I’m not sure if “brainiac” and “underage illegal pot smoking” are two things that go together, but I understand your point.
Milton: So what should I do about it?
Kate: Try to find out how she got it, that’s a start.
Ellie: No! Just let it go! If you make a problem out of it, then it’s a problem. If you ignore it, she’ll stop on her own.
Kate: Solid advice.
Ellie: Thank you!
Kate: I was being sarcastic.
Ellie: You’re the one who added me to this call!
Kate: I figured you’d have some actual helpful advice.
Ellie: Do you know me?
Kate: You have a point, I should’ve known better.
Milton: So what should I do? I’ve gotten some very conflicting opinions here.
Kate: As the one here that people actually rely on for advice, just talk to her. Try to find out where it came from, why she would get her hands on it to begin with, and come from a place of empathy and understanding. It doesn’t help anyone if you confront her angrily, that’ll just make her double down and before you know it, you’re the father of Wilhelmina Nelson.
Milton: I’m going to try to do that.
Kate: Don’t just try! You will turn her away if you’re too aggressive, kids are very annoying like that! Almost as annoying as Ellie!
Ellie: I don’t have to sit here and take that!
Kate: You can hang up, you’re right!
Ellie: I’m not gonna, though, I like the drama.
Milton: Well, I probably should. The wife looks annoyed.
Moira: I’m not annoyed, I’m just not sure what you’re on the phone for.
Milton: I’m getting advice!
Moira: Ugh.
Milton: Yeah, gotta go, guys! See you soon!
The next morning, Milton calls Marietta.
Milton: You awake?
Marietta: I wasn’t.
Milton: Yikes.
Marietta: It’s nine in the morning, man, gimme a break
Milton: Were you aware that Sarah was smoking pot?
Marietta: What? No she’s not!
Milton: Yes she is!
Marietta: Where’d that information come from?
Milton: I found it with my very own eyes.
Marietta: That’s pretty damning.
Milton: So you didn’t know about it?
Marietta: Are you kidding? You think I’d let that slide. I’m cool, I’m not THAT cool!
Milton: Okay. Good to know. I just don’t know how she got it, though. None of us knew!
Marietta: She’s a legal adult with her own car, who has so much free time to herself because her dad and aunt both work all the time. Plenty of time in there to get into trouble.
Milton: So, you’re no help. Time to address the problem head-on.
Marietta: Good luck, kids are evil!
Milton: That’s a little too far.
Marietta: Yeah, I regretted it as soon as I said it.
Milton hangs up and walks into Sarah’s room.
Sarah: Dad! It’s too early!
Milton: Well, you were awake! The light was on!
Sarah: Mornings are my private time!
Milton: Are you hiding anything in here from me?
Sarah: No!
Milton: Are you sure?
Sarah: Yes!
Milton: How about some marijuana?
Sarah: What?
Milton: I found it in your bag last night, honey.
Sarah: Oh, that!
Milton: Did you think I was talking about some other bag of marijuana?
Sarah: It didn’t register.
Milton: Hoe common is it for you to buy pot?
Sarah: It’s not mine! At least, I didn’t buy it.
Milton: What do you mean? You stole it?
Sarah: No! I was hanging out with my friends, and one of them wanted me to try some point and handed it to me and I pretended to smoke it and stuck it in my bag in a little plastic sandwich bad I had left from my sandwich, and I was trying to find the right time to throw it out without you seeing it.
Milton: Are you lying to me?
Sarah: I don’t think it’s serious enough to lie about. It’s barely any issue even if I were smoking it. Which I’m not!
Milton: That’s a little too honest, so I’ll buy that you’re not really smoking any doobies. I’ll leave you be.
The phone rings.
Milton: I don’t know who that is, but I know it’s going to be miserable.
Sarah: Turn the light off, please! I have a headache!
Milton: Will do.
Milton answers the phone.
Patty Lynn: You mean to tell me my granddaughter was doing pot and you didn’t even TELL ME?
Milton: Hello, mom! How’s your morning going?
Patty Lynn: I’m furious!
Milton: Everything has been solved, no need to panic. Well, everything aside from slapping Marietta for having a big mouth.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
