.jpg)
Marietta walks into her office.
Marietta: Really, Tammy? A milkshake at nine in the morning?
Tammy: It’s so good!
Marietta: It’s nine in the morning!
Amy: Let her have her fun!
Marietta: I’m just worried about her stomach. That can’t be good on it, that’s so heavy to be slurping down this early.
Amy: That’s her problem, not yours. She’s a grown-up, she can make that decision for herself.
Marietta: You’re right.
Tammy: Now that you mention it, I think this might have been a bad idea.
Marietta: Mayor knows best, just like they always say.
Tammy: Do we have room for this in the fridge?
Marietta: Won’t it melt?
Tammy: You’re right, I’ll just finish it.
There is a knock on the door.
Henrietta: I’ll get it!
Amy: You don’t even know who it is! What if they’re here to kill us?
Henrietta: Us? Come on.
Amy: You’re right, no one would risk the prison time to kill us. We don’t matter.
Tammy: That’s not true!
Man at door: Madam First Lady! We need to talk with you!
Tammy: Sounds fishy. Wait long enough, they’ll go away.
Man at door: I’m Agent Dan Rieger with the Secret Service.
Amy: Show us your badge!
Dan shows the group his badge.
Amy: Okay, letting you in now!
Tammy: I still think we should have just waited it out, they would’ve gotten tired of waiting eventually.
Dan: We would not have.
Tammy: That’s what you say!
Marietta: Tammy, why is the Secret Service visiting us? What did you do?
Tammy: What did I do? They don’t work for me!
Dan: We do, ma’am.
Tammy: I’ve refused Secret Service protection! Why are you here?
Dan: Madam First Lady, we do not wish you cause you a disturbance -
Tammy: Too late!
Amy: Excuse her, her breakfast didn’t agree with her, it’s made her sour.
Dan: We don’t wish you alarm, either. However, President Delphy has ordered us to protect you due to an ongoing threat to your life.
Tammy: My life?
Dan: Your life.
Tammy: Do you have me confused with someone else?
Dan: I’m afraid not.
Amy: She’s had a good run, I say roll the dice, if it happens, it happens.
Henrietta: Really?
Amy: I’m joking?
Henrietta: With the Secret Service?
Amy: Some people just don’t understand my humor.
Tammy: What the heck is going on here, man? What is this threat to my life?
Dan: Madam First Lady -
Tammy: Just call me Tammy.
Amy: It would be far more respectful than what we call her.
Tammy: What do you call me?
Amy: Nothing. Forget I said anything.
Henrietta: She’s just trying to get a rise out of you.
Tammy: I’m risen already, the Secret Service is telling me my life is in danger!
Dan: It’s all going to be okay, ma’am.
Tammy: Tammy! And what is going on? You still haven’t told me!
Dan: There were threats made online against your life. Very vivid, detailed threats made on Facebook about how this man was going to assassinate you.
Tammy: Me?
Dan: Yes.
Tammy: Who would want to kill me?
Amy: I was joking earlier about it, now you mean to tell me someone really wants to take her out?
Tammy: Has he been arrested?
Dan: Uh, no. Attempts have been made, though.
Tammy: My god. Why did no one tell me about this earlier?
Marietta: Why did Delphy not personally call you to talk about this?
Tammy: I’m not really worried about him right now, if I’m being honest. I’m worried about a violent psycho who wants me to die!
Dan: That’s what I’m here for. I’ve been personally assigned to protect you. I know you’ve rejected Secret Service protection in the past, but the President has ordered it until this would-be assassin is caught.
Tammy: When were these threats made?
Dan: Two days ago.
Tammy: Two days ago? He could be here by now! Why was I not told earlier?
Dan: It was only reported to the FBI late last night and we were deployed here immediately. The President believed the threat to be credible enough to warrant telling you in-person rather than over the phone.
Tammy: What am I going to do, Dan?
Dan: You’re going to go about your day unchanged, you will do everything you typically do, except you will always be accompanied by me or some other agent. One of us will travel in your car with you, and other agents will also follow in a car behind you. Except for when you go to the restroom or when you are in your own home, you will never be left alone. Of course, you’re used to agents at home, since the President has his own protection, but this will be more extensive now that there is an active, known threat.
Tammy: So I have a keeper now.
Dan: Don’t think of it that way. Think of it as having a guardian angel.
Tammy: Ah, great, I got a Clarence now. I didn’t want a Clarence.
Marietta: I always say myself as sort of her guardian angel, if I’m being honest.
Henrietta: What’s going on with this man that threatened her?
Dan: He’s fled. We don’t know where he is, but the FBI is working diligently to track him down.
Tammy: I’m dead.
Henrietta: Don’t say that!
Tammy: We’re relying on the FBI to track him? Might as well rely on the Scooby-Doo gang to find him, they’d do it more efficiently.
Marietta: Don’t say that, either! It’s all going to be okay.
Tammy: I have minimal confidence. I’m really scared.
Amy: I can’t blame you, a man apparently has planned our your murder.
Henrietta: Why would he want to kill you?
Amy: Yeah, I get why we would want to kill you, but some random dude?
Tammy: I was wondering the same thing myself. What’s his motive?
Dan: There was a manifesto. It related to your work as a senator, blaming you for the downfall of society and other deluded rantings.
Tammy: Wow, he thinks I was quite effective!
Amy: Get him on the phone! I can tell him right now that Tammy isn’t nearly effective enough to cause that!
Tammy: Thank you, Amy!
Dan: Do you need anything, Tammy? Just a moment to process things?
Tammy: No, uh… actually, yeah. I’m gonna call Kate.
Marietta: Kate? What’s she gonna do?
Tammy: I don’t know, I need someone to chat with about this that’ll take it seriously. You guys, god bless you, you make everything into a joke. I’m really worried.
Dan: l know this is scary, but you have the best security team in the world protecting you. You’re going to be okay.
Tammy: What if he has a sniper rifle? We’ll never see it coming!
Dan: The President is about to brief the nation on this situation, his picture is going to be everywhere and he’s going to be caught. The people have a way of tracking down scum.
Tammy: Okay. I’ll put my faith in all of you. It’s the only thing I can do. Am I allowed to go in Marietta’s office by myself? There aren’t any windows or doors, it’s secure.
Marietta: She’s right, it’s like a dungeon.
Dan: That’ll be fine. I understand wanting a bit of time alone in a moment like this.
Tammy walks into Marietta’s office, closes the door, and calls Kate.
Kate: What’s up, Tammy? Everything okay?
Tammy: Someone is trying to kill me?
Kate: Say that again.
Tammy: I have a hater on the internet and he wants to kill me. Dead.
Kate: That’s what I thought you said.
Tammy: I think I’m gonna die, Kate.
Kate: That’s not a productive way to think.
Ellie: Kate, you need to vote on this bill! Come on!
Kate: I’m sorry, Tammy’s in a crisis.
Ellie: I voted already, hand me the phone.
Kate: Tammy, I really do care, and I -
Tammy: Go ahead.
Kate: Thank you. I’m sorry I’m leaving you with Ellie.
Tammy: It’s fine.
Ellie: I’m awesome, you’re lucking out.
Kate: Again, so sorry.
Ellie: So what’s up, T?
Tammy: The Secret Service came here today to let me know that someone threatened to kill me. It was a detailed plan, I don’t know the details, but they have a real reason to think I’m in danger.
Ellie: Jesus Christ!
Tammy: I know!
Ellie: Who would want to kill you? Are they that bitter you got Marietta elected?
Tammy: Now that you mention it, that’s a good explanation for it!
Ellie: Everything is Marietta’s fault, I think we’ve learned that by now.
Tammy: I just… Ellie, it’s hard.
Ellie: I would imagine so!
Tammy: What would possess someone to throw their life away in the name of killing me? What does that accomplish?
Ellie: You can’t get in the heads of these people.
Tammy: Nor do I want to.
Ellie: Did you want advice or just someone to confide in? Because, I’ll be honest, I’ve got nothing for this one. I’ve never been in this situation before.
Tammy: I just needed a friendly voice.
Ellie: You’ve always got us. I know I joke, but I’m always going to be here for you, Tammy. You are so strong, you’ll get through this.
Tammy: Thank you, it’s good to have someone reliable to count on.
Later that night, when Tammy returns home…
Mitch: Bring it in!
Tammy: Oh, god! Mitch, how can I live like this?
Mitch: It’s not that bad!
Tammy: Mitch, there are people watching us inside our house!
Mitch: Technically, it’s Marietta house. I see that that doesn’t exactly ease your fears, though.
Tammy: There are people inside our living room!
Mitch: They just want to keep us safe, it’s not a bad thing.
Tammy: Someone wants me to die! That seems pretty bad!
Mitch: It’s not great, but we have the best people imaginable on the case.
Tammy: Comforting.
Mitch: I’m sorry. This is a bizarre scenario for me, too. I was the actual President of the United States and I never had someone threaten my life in any credible manner.
Tammy: I guess I accomplished something, in a way.
Mitch: That’s a fascinating way to look at this.
Tammy: As Taylor Swift says, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. This is beyond that. I mean, he wants me dead. I’ve got a real hold on that guy.
Mitch: Okay, it’s been a long day, we’re talking silly now.
Tammy: This has been an absolutely exhausting day. I want to head right to bed.
Mitch: You’ve earned that.
Tammy: Will my posse be following us to the bedroom, or…? I just need to know if I’m putting on a show tonight for anyone.
Dan: We’ll give you your space, ma’am. We’ll be right outside the door and on the patio.
Tammy: Ah, Dan! Didn’t realize you were still on duty! Do they ever give you any time off?
Dan: Soon! They’ll be switching out, but I’ll be back tomorrow.
Tammy: Ah, good to know.
Four days later…
Patty Lynn: You know… how do I say this?
Kathleen: Are you addressing THE elephant in the room?
Sarah: There’s a Republican here? Get them out!
Kathleen: Not that elephant.
Tammy: She means my elephant.
Sarah: Oh, you mean the six guys sitting in on our family dinner?
Patty Lynn: Yeah, that’s what I was getting at.
Martin: We all know the situation with Tammy, let’s just give her and her agents a bit of grace.
Patty Lynn: I have plenty of grace to give, I was just shocked that they come inside with you.
Mitch: They have to be very thorough.
Sarah: The one is watching me.
Moira: I don’t think he’s watching you.
Sarah: Oh, I think he is! Sir, I’m not going to kill Tammy! She’s one of the least-insane people I know.
Kathleen: I don’t know about thaaaaat.
Tammy: I’m sorry for getting you all involved in this circus.
Marietta: I’m used to it!
Patty Lynn: It’s really not a big deal.
Milton: Yeah, it kinda makes me feel safer. No one’s getting in with all these guys around.
Moira: I didn’t love having to present my ID in order to enter my in-laws’ place, but it is what it is.
Dan: Madam First Lady!
Tammy: What?
Amy: Dan! Good to see you again, you had yesterday off!
Dan: I worked yesterday.
Henrietta: You’re the one who had yesterday off.
Amy: Oh, I guess you’re right!
Dan: Madam First Lady, I have excellent news.
Tammy: That would truly be a shakeup.
Patty Lynn: Do you want a plate? I can fix you a plate. Any of you guys! We have enough food!
Dan: No thank you, ma’am. We’re about ready to head out.
Tammy: Excuse me?
Milton: Just when I opened my mouth and said I was feeling safer! They’re abandoning us, leaving us alone to survive on our own! All with a crazed killer coming after the heart of our group!
Moira: The heart?
Milton: Besides you, dearest love of my life.
Moira: Nice save.
Dan: Everyone, the authorities have arrested the man who threatened Tammy’s life. There is no ongoing threat anymore!
Tammy: Oh, thank god!
Dan: We’ll stay if you want, but -
Tammy: No, go! Go back to your lives! Our lives are boring, I am freeing you from having to listen in on them!
Dan: Madam First Lady - Tammy, it has been an honor.
Tammy: Thank you, Dan. I can’t say it was fun, but I’m glad I had you here. You’ve given me quite a bit of comfort during this whole ordeal.
Dan: I’m glad to have been of service.
Martin: Of Secret Service!
Marietta: Dad…
Martin: Sorry, can’t help myself.
Patty Lynn: Well, gentlemen, you’re not on the clock anymore, so that offer of a good, home-cooked meal is still on the table for anyone who wants it!
Marietta: Just take it, we’ll never hear the end of it if you don’t.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
