The family is at the Salted Lobster restaurant having dinner.
Mitchell: Hey, Karl, I want to thank you and Betty for taking me out to dinner for my birthday. This is really too much.
Betty: Well, you can always pay for I-
Karl: We’re happy to do it. It’s your birthday, we want you to have a good one!
Velma: I got him a card. That’s it.
Teri: Wow, that’s shocking to hear.
Mitchell: Regardless of what she says, she does love me.
Teri: It radiates.
Danielle: Do you guys remember the last time we were here?
Frank: How could I ever possibly forget?
Teri: I wasn’t here, but I remember! I remember because I had to clean up all of your puke! Fun!Cindy: Teri! We’re at dinner!
Teri: The waitress hasn’t even come to the table yet, it really doesn’t count.
Velma: Why did we come to the place that gave us food poisoning for this?
Teri: I was under the impression you picked it. I mean, it would make sense for you to want him to get food poisoning for his birthday.
Betty: We’re been coming here for decades! We got sick one time, we don’t even know it was from hat. We’re not going to stop visiting one of the best restaurants in town just because of it.
Ralph: Yeah, the food’s always been great here. I’ll take the risk.
Betty: It could’ve easily been from a family meal.
Ralph: Did you just accuse me?
Cindy: You’re not the only one who cooks!
Velma: Nice going, Mitchell, your birthday’s got everyone fighting!
Mitchell: It’s not my fault!
Danielle: It wasn’t a family meal, my ex got sick too. I never let that man eat at our house, he was annoying as hell.
Teri: Sounds like you missed out on true love.
Cindy: Like ships in the night.
Karl: Everyone, act normal. The waitress is coming.
Teri: Act?
Karl: I said what I said.
Patti (waitress): Hello, everyone! I hope you’re having a wonderful day!
Teri: Eh.
Patti: Well, I hope we can turn that around and put a big smile on your face!
Ralph: You don’t know her. That’s an impossible task.
Patti: Well, I’m going to try! I’m Patti, and I’ll be your server tonight here at the Salted Lobster! Can I get you guys started with some drinks?
Betty: What alcohol do you have?
Patti: Great questions, ma’am!
Betty: You don’t need to use “ma’am,” I’m not your boss. Plus, it makes me feel old.
Patti: Oh, I’m so sorry!
Betty: No need to apologize. Just tell me what booze you have.
Teri: Do it. She won’t stop until you do.
Patti: Here is our alcohol menu, we have a deal going on for half-price refills on margaritas and some other select cocktails on the front page.
Karl: Please don’t tell her that.
Teri: I’ll have a Diet Coke. Diet Coke for everyone.
Mitchell: Excuse me? Is it your birthday?
Teri: I’m just trying to hurry it along. Who doesn’t love Diet Coke?
Mitchell: Diet Coke for all of them, a Shirley Temple for me.
Velma: What are you, five?
Mitchell: I like a Shirley Temple!
Patti: I’m so sorry, but we don’t have Shirley Temples on the menu. Can I get you anything else?
Mitchell: Diet Coke is fine.
Patti: Have you decided on your alcohol selection yet?
Betty: Strawberry margarita, on the rocks.
Patti: That’s an amazing choice! I’ll get on that while I give you all a chance to look over the menu for your food choices while I’m gone.
Karl: We’re going to try our best to pick something by then, but no promises.
Patti: That’s fine! No worries! I’ll be back soon!
Patti leave.
Jerry: Oh my god.
Cindy: What?
Jerry: Am I the only one who felt it?
Teri: What, you think she’s hitting on you? Men…
Jerry: Not that! She’s so annoying!
Cindy: Honey! That’s mean!
Jerry: Some things just have to be said!
Cindy: This is not one of them!
Betty: I thought she was nice. She pointed me right to the alcohol.
Danielle: Jerry’s clearly trying to make sure we get food poisoning again.
Jerry: I am not! I just had an intrusive thought that needed to work its way out into the open.
Tammi: He said it, some of us may or may not have agreed with him, and that’s all that needs to be said. Let’s just shut our mouths before she gets back.
Velma: Oh my god! You agree with him!
Tammi: I never sai-
Steven: You looked pretty annoyed with her.
Tammi: I did not! Alysa, did I express anything to suggest that?
Alysa: I don’t feel comfortable weighing in on that.
Tammi: Coward.
Teri: She fits right in with the family, then!
Mitchell: I thought the waitress was really nice!
Velma: You’re just saying that because someone finally didn’t snap at you the second you opened your mouth!
Mitchell: Yes, and that’s nice!
Teri: Well, Mitchell just turned Velma against the poor waitress. Happy birthday!
Karl: All of you, shut up! This is not appropriate talk!
Jerry: She just seems so fake! The niceness, it seems like an act.
Ralph: Not everyone is a sarcastic ass all the time1 Kindness is natural for some people!
Jerry: What would you know about that?
Betty: Patti! Get me that marg! I need it STAT!
Velma: Don’t say her name!
Teri: Wow, you really hate her!
Velma: No, I just don’t want her coming over here and hearing… this. I don’t need someone spitting in my food.
Teri: I don’t think she’s capable of doing that. She doesn’t seem capable of vindictiveness.
Jerry: That’s the problem!
Frank: Not being vindictive is bad now?
Jerry: I didn’t say that. I’m saying she seems like she’s putting on an act to seem harmless.
Cindy: “Seem” harmless? She’s a waitress! She’s not John Wick!
Teri: That’s a shame, I could use a Keanu in my life.
Jerry: I’m justly saying her personality seems put-on. It’s a red flag.
Teri: I think she’s just trying to be friendly for the sake of getting tips.
Jerry: Well it annoys me!
Cindy: Must we make an issue out of it?
Jerry: I was speaking my truth. Is that not allowed?
Karl: She’s coming, shut up!
Jerry: Got it, boss.
Patti: Here are some your drinks, there are so many of you that I could old handle half, hope that’s okay.
Teri: Better two minutes later than on the floor.
Patti: That’s what I thought!
Betty: Um, extra tequila in the margarita if it’s not already made, please.
Patti: Will do! Thanks for letting me know! I’ll be right back!
Betty: You know what, Jerry? You’re right.
Jerry: What?
Betty: She’s laying it on way thick. I don’t buy it. It is annoying!
Jerry: Thank you!
Velma: It’s one dinner, you’ll live.
Jerry: I know, but it’s still annoying.
Cindy: Honey… just enjoy the dinner. Don’t let the overly-nice woman bother you.
Tammi: I can’t believe those are words someone just had to say.
Cindy: Some people hate joy!
Jerry: I don’t! I just hate fakes.
Cindy: You seem to enjoy fakes in those smut magazines.
Jerry: Oh my god! That is inappropriate and not true!
Teri: This has taken such a hilarious turn.
Twenty minutes later…
Jerry: Did you hear her when she asked me for my order?
Karl: Not this again.
Alysa: I’m going to run to the bathroom.
Steven: Uh, me too.
Tammi: And you think I’m going to let you go unsupervised? I think not!
Cindy: Look what you’re doing, they’re all pretending to have to go to the bathroom just to get away from you.
Jerry: She called me “sweetheart.”
Karl: That’s just a nice old-fashioned thing.
Jerry: She looks like she’s about twenty-five.
Karl: Okay, it’s weird.
Jerry: Glad we all agree.
Karl: She’s just very friendly and overly familiar. It’s not that bad, just don’t let it get to you.
Mitchell: Yeah! You’re ruining my birthday celebration!
Velma: Keep pushing! Dig deeper, think of more things you hate about this harmless lady!
Jerry: I’m not complaining just to complain, I just have to let it out. It’s eating me up inside.
Danielle: Can we just enjoy the meal?
Teri: Yeah, this bread is delicious. Hopefully the rest of the meal comes eventually so Jerry can stuff his face and shut the hell up.
Betty: This margarita hasn’t gotten me drunk enough yet but we’re getting there.
Jerry: I’m sorry to harp on it, but “sweetheart” is just wild! You don’t know me, lady!
Frank: She’s just nice.
Tammi: Oh, so you’re into her?
Teri: And now we’ve got Tammi back in it.
Frank: I never said that! I just said she seems kind.
Tammi: If she’s so kind, marry her.
Frank: I just don’t think she deserves to be roasted like your dad is doing to her right now. It’s unnecessary.
Jerry: Is this not a free country anymore?
Teri: Well, your president has tried his hardest to make it not free!
Jerry: Much better than your party!
Karl: We’re not doing this! My god, you tow have me wanting to go back to ragging on the poor waitress!
Patti: Were you calling for me, sir?
Karl: Ah!
Patti: Is that a no?
Karl: We were talking about, uh -
Velma: A different waitress. Some jerk who served us at our dinner last night.
Patti: Oh! Carry on, then. Didn’t mean to interrupt family time!
Alysa: Before you get any wrong ideas, I’m not family. Just a girlfriend.
Danielle: I’m even more distanced from them. I’m just a friend, not even dating any of them. They represent my views in no ways.
Patti: Oh, that’s nice!
Jerry: Is it?
Cindy: Jerry!
Patti: I have to go tend to another table if you don’t need anything
Betty: I could use another margarita!
Patti: I’ll get on that!
Ralph: My god, it’s like eating dinner with Jimmy Buffett.
Teri: Fins to the left, fins to the right…
Ralph: There are a lot of sharks at this table, poor Patti.
Velma: She has the hearing of a dog, don’t say her name!
Thirty minutes later…
Patti: Are you all enjoying your meal? Is there anything else I can get for you, friends?
Jerry: Actually…
Cindy: Don’t!
Jerry: Patti… uh, can I call you Patti?
Patti: It’s my name, of course you can, friend!
Jerry: I mean no disrespect, but we’re not friends. You’re acting very strange. IL do not know you, you don’t have to be so… fake.
Patti: Excuse me?
Jerry: “Sweetheart,” “dear,” “friend…” come on! It’s too much! You know it’s too much!
Patti: I didn’t mean any offense by it, I’m so sorry.
Jerry: See, that’s what I mean! Enough of this! You aren’t that nice! No one is this nice! Just be real, that’s all I’m asking!
Patti: Okay. I think you’re really a jackass! I try to show kindness, compassion, brighten someone’s day, and maybe it’s overbearing, but being spoken to in that manner is uncalled for and I think you should know. That’s me being real.
Jerry: I appreciate that! Keep it real. Don’t put on an act, that’s all I’m saying.
One hour later…
Cindy: Banned for life!
Betty: You ass!
Jerry: I didn’t think telling the waitress to cut out the nice act would get all of you banned.
Alysa: What am I going to tell my mother? We go there all the time!
Jerry: They might not remember we were all banned.
Alysa: They took our pictures! They put them on a wall!
Steven: Wow, I’ve never seen you this angry! I like it!
Frank: You’ll see it a lot. Far more often than you’d like!
Tammi: Shut up.
Jerry: I was stupid, but the ban is ridiculous. I wouldn’t visit an establishment like that again anyway. Besides, they gave us food poisoning last time!
Karl: Jerry, you made the poor girl cry.
Ralph: You berated a low-paid service worker for being nice! Was she annoying? Of course! We all thought she was! That doesn’t mean you yell at her! She’s not paid enough to put up with lunatics like you!
Jerry: Don’t make this about that.
Betty: I have a headache. Your fault, Jerry!
Teri: Well, Mitchell, other than that, how did you enjoy birthday?
Mitchell: Oh, it was great. The yelling and crying and getting the restaurant equivalent of a mugshot really made my 57th a great one for me. One for the books!
Velma: It wasn’t your worst one, honestly. I actually quite liked it.
Jerry: At least you guys all got to finish your dinners! I had to leave immediately!
Tammi: That was deserved.
Danielle: Men ruin everything.
Jerry: Don’t make this about men.
Cindy: I think you know this is coming, Jerry, but you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.
Jerry: I know.
One week later…
Jerry: Mitchell, is that Patti?
Mitchell: Who? Patti LaBelle?
Jerry: The waitress!
Mitchell: Oh… that’d be more plausible.
Karl: Jerry, go to the break room.
Jerry: What? Why? If she can’t be civil in a public space, then -
Karl: you’re going to blow a sale. Go now.
Jerry: I’m going to go talk to her.
Karl: You’re fired.
Jerry: Big deal! I was a nepotism hire anyway!
Karl: You kids are going to put me in an early grave.
Jerry: Hey! Patti, is that you?
Patti: Oh my god. The freak!
Jerry: I earned that.
Patti: Why are you harassing me?
Jerry: I’m not! I’m trying to be nice!
Patti: Isn’t that basically harassment in your mind?
Jerry: I was wrong and I should’t have said what I said. It’s what I felt, but it was unkind to say and I’m sorry. I didn’t know you, and I can’t fairly judge whether or not you were genuine or not.
Patti: I appreciate that you came over and said that to me. That did take guts.
Jerry: Do you think you could get my family unbanned from the restaurant? They did nothing wrong.
Patti: You have to be kidding me!
Karl: Jerry! Break room!
Jerry: I’m going…
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
