Cindy walks into the door.
Cindy: Love is in the air!
Teri: Is it?
Cindy: Yes! It’s almost Valentine’s Day!
Tammi: Wow, mom, I’m not used to you coming home looking so happy.
Cindy: It was a great day at school! We had our Valentine’s celebration.
Mitchell: Wait, is today Valentine’s Day?
Teri: She just said it was “almost” Valentine’s Day.
Mitchell: Well, why are they celebrating when it’s not the day?
Cindy: We save our fun celebrations for Fridays. Wednesdays are for work.
Teri: On Wednesdays we wear frowns.
Ralph: What has you so excited about Valentine’s Day this year? We're usually all miserable every February 14th.
Cindy: I don’t know, I usually dislike it, because it was invented to sell cards, but it’s different this year. I just feel, I don’t know, I’ve got a zest for life. I’ve got a newfound love for love!
Teri: That is so cheesy, gimme a break.
Danielle: Yeah, some of us are in for a rough one, so don’t ruin your happiness in our faces! We’re lonely and sad!
Cindy: I’m not trying to, I’m sorry.
Teri: And some of us that aren’t lonely are still in for a bad Valentine’s Day. Say, Mitchell?
Mitchell: What do you mean by that?
Teri: You seemingly forgot Valentine’s Day even existed, I don’t think Velma’s going to appreciate that.
Velma: She’s used to it! He hasn’t gotten me anything for Valentine’s Day in fifteen years!
Mitchell: I don’t believe in it!
Ralph: I’ve never seen someone so proud to be a jackass.
Frank: Hey, ar-
Ralph: Ah, I forgot about you! I stand corrected!
Frank: I feel like I’m missing some context.
Tammi: He thinks you’re a jackass, babe.
Frank: Nothing new.
Tammi: For what it’s worth, I’m due to have a crappy Valentine’s Day myself. I have to chaperone a date!
Steven: You don’t have to!
Tammi: I do! You two are not to be trusted alone together!
Teri: What do you think they’re gonna do, shag in the booth at Friendly’s?
Cindy: They still have Friendly’s?
Teri: I don’t know, I don’t go out.
Tammi: They’re sixteen years old, they can’t be having dinner alone!
Teri: Don’t be a helicopter parent!
Tammi: You’re not a parent at all, let me handle this on my own.
Ralph: Ouch!
Betty: Children! What are you bickering about?
Ralph: Yes, mom’s here to make it worse!
Cindy: They’re all angry about Valentine’s Day.
Velma: I’m not angry! I’ve completely accepted that I’m married to the least-romantic man to ever live. It doesn’t even register anymore.
Betty: Why would Valentine’s Day make people argue? It’s a day of celebrating love!
Teri: We’re lonely!
Danielle: Yeah, look at us! Have you seen any of us go on dates in the last year?
Betty: Now that you mention it -
Ralph: Would we spend nearly as much time with you people if we had actual lives?
Betty: That’s a bit harsh.
Teri: My sixteen-year-old great nephew has a more successful love life than I do!
Steven: Yeah I do!
Tammi: Steven, knock it off.
Steven: Sorry, I was just kidding.
Teri: You weren’t, but it’s fine. I’m a loser in love, we all are.
Danielle: I consider myself to be in a committed relationship with myself. We’re very happy together.
Velma: Happier than me and Dumbo are, I’m sure!
Mitchell: You forget Valentine’s Day fourteen times and suddenly you’re a socially acceptable target for mockery.
Frank: I didn’t even need to do that!
Velma: Neither did he. There are so many other reasons that make him fun to mock, that’s just one of them.
Betty: I don’t like this negativity surrounding Valentine’s Day. You should all use it to at least celebrate the love you do have in your lives, even if it’s not romantic love.
Teri: You want me to spend Valentine’s Day celebrating my love for my family? I think that could get me put on some sort of list.
Betty: You don’t have to do anything special, I’m just saying, use that day to reflect one all the good you do have.
Ralph: Well, one good thing we no longer have is Valentine’s Day at the Salted Lobster, thanks to… someone.
Mitchell: Not my fault!
Karl: He’s right. The food poisoning sort of turned us off of that place years ago. We wouldn’t have been going anyway this year.
Mitchell: And I got most of you unbanned! You’re welcome!
Ralph: He’s so generous. We’re so lucky to be in his presence.
Betty: I just wish you could all see the blessings that are in your lives! Maybe things aren’t going as you planned, but that’s okay! Love is still a beautiful thing!
Teri: It makes me sick.
Cindy: Love is beautiful! Say, Jerry?
Jerry: Oh! Uh, yeah. It’s great.
Teri: That must be what true romance sounds like.
Three days later…
Mitchell: Teri, can you come here?
Teri: I’m not helping you clean out any wounds again. You have a wife for that.
Mitchell. No, it’s no that!
Teri: Yeah, well, it was last time. I still don’t want to know how you got that gaping hole on your back!
Mitchell: Oh, it was -
Teri: I don’t want to know!
Mitchell: I pulled a piece of glass out of it.
Teri: I guess that’s less disgusting than I was suspecting. So, what do you need?
Mitchell: I need - well, first you have to promise not to tell anyone anything.
Teri: Depends what it is.
Mitchell: It’s about Valentine’s Day.
Teri: Oh, don’t worry. I don’t care enough to tell anyone anything.
Mitchell: Good! So, you and Velma have similarly-sized hands, right?
Teri: I guess?
Mitchell: I was thinking about what we were saying a few days ago, about me forgetting Valentine’s Day, and I want to get her a nice bracelet. I’ve forgotten about Valentine’s Day enough over the years, she deserves a good gift.
Teri: So you want me to give you one?
Mitchell: I want you to help me pick one out!
Teri: How’d I get so lucky?
Mitchell: People keep saying that to me, I’m starting to think it’s sarcasm.
Teri: Never.
Mitchell: So, when do you want to go?
Teri: Let’s just get it over with.
Mitchell: Right now?
Teri: I know me. If we don’t go now, I’m just gonna fake an illness to get out of it.
Mitchell: All right, we’ll get out of here.
Teri: So exciting. I’m so blessed.
Mitchell: Now that I know was sarcasm.
Teri: Me? Sarcastic? Never.
Later, at the jewelry store…
Andrea (jeweler): Hello, how may I help you? Are you two in for a bit of Valentine’s Day shopping?
Mitchell: Yup, sure are!
Andrea: You letting your lady pick something out herself? That’s very modern!
Teri: Oh my god! We’re not married!
Mitchell: She’s my cousin.
Andrea: Oh, I’m sorry. I should never assume.
Mitchell: She’s here to help me pick something out for my actual wife.
Teri: Legend has it we have similarly-sized wrists.
Mitchell: She also has a good eye for what a woman might want.
Teri: This woman wants to be at home on the couch, but it’s like Mick Jagger says, can’t always get what you want.
Andrea: So what are you in the market for today?
Mitchell: A bracelet. Nothing specific, just something nice.
Andrea: This is a Valentine’s gift, correct?
Mitchell: Yes.
Teri: She’s not a very lovey person, if that’s what you’re trying to get at.
Mitchell: She can be!
Teri: When?
Mitchell: I don’t know, sometimes!
Teri: Let’s just be safe and avoid anything with hearts. You don’t want her to throw it tan your head or anything.
Mitchell: I think that’s the right move.
Andrea: All right, so no hearts. May I ask your budget is?
Mitchell: No amount is too much. I want this to be a really special gift.
Andrea: Well, our most popular bracelet is this sleek diamond design.
Mitchell: A thousand dollars?
Andrea: Is that too much?
Mitchell: No, but let’s just take a look at something else.
Teri: She loves green. How about something with emeralds in it?
Andrea: We have a few emerald bracelets! Do any of these stick out to you?
Teri: The one with the leaves looks like something she’d wear.
Mitchell: Four hundred?
Teri: You said you had no budget! Do you want to go to Claire’s and buy her something there instead?
Mitchell: I’ll take the one with the leaves.
Andrea: An excellent choice!
Teri: You’re welcome! God, you’d be so lost without me!
Mitchell: I would’ve managed.
Teri: I think Andrea and I both know you would not have.
Two days later…
Karl: I have to be honest, honey, I didn’t expect for this to be our “romantic” Valentine’s Day plans.
Betty: What, you don’t find the boutique romantic?
Karl: I just thought we could take today off to spend together doing something nice.
Betty: Today? When all these husbands and boyfriends are doing last-minute Valentine’s shopping for their wives and girlfriends? We can’t leave that money on the table!
Karl: I guess you’re right.
Betty: Look at the business today alone! I’ve never seen so many men in this place since we’ve opened!
Karl: That Valentine’s sale was very appealing, clearly.
Betty: Don’t worry, we’re going to spend tonight at a great restaurant celebrating our big success today! Plus, remember, today’s about love. We’re with the one we love, even if it’s not in the greatest of situations.
Karl: You’re right.
Betty: Now, I have to go help that man over there who is clearly so lost looking at jewelry and steer him in the more expensive direction.
Later that night…
Tammi: All right you two, just remember I’m here if you want anything, just a few tables away.
Steven: We got it, mom.
Tammi: Don’t have a tone with me.
Steven: I won’t.
Tammi: Okay, enjoy your night. I promise, I’m not snooping, so just go about your business.
Steven: I find’t think you were before, but now I kinda do.
Tammi: I’m not! I’m going to call your father, I won’t be paying attention at all. I’m only here if there’s any sort of emergency.
Twenty minutes later…
Megan (waitress): Ma’am, you’re going to have to order something eventually to stay in that table.
Tammi: Water, please.
Megan: Something that isn’t free.
Tammi: What’s the cheapest thing on your menu?
Megan: Can I ask you something?
Tammi: This an interrogation?
Megan: No, I just… I noticed you’re sort of spying on a table over there. Is this your first Valentine’s Day alone?
Tammi: Oh my god, no! I’m married.
Megan: Oh no, is your husband spending the day with someone else?
Tammi: You could say that.
Megan: I get your mission, I just need you to order something to keep on that track.
Tammi: Onion rings can’t be expensive, right?
Megan: Okay, coming right up.
Tammi: Wait, by the way, that’s not my husband I’m watching! It’s my son!
Megan: Oh! Oh? So you’re spying on your son while you husband is cheating? What is going on here?
Tammi: My husband isn’t cheating, he’s just at home with my family. I’m chaperoning my son’s date, and I’m making sure no funny business is going on.
Megan: That’s much better, actually. Young love is adorable, isn’t it?
Tammi: It sure is.
Megan: I’ll get your onion rings. Eat them slowly, they ordered a lot.
Tammi: Good to know.
Meanwhile, at Steven and Alysa’s table…
Steven: Hey, Alysa, since it’s Valentine’s Day, I wanted to give you something nice. You mean a lot to me.
Alysa: That’s so sweet! I just got you chocolate.
Steven: I love chocolate!
Alysa: Good, ‘cause the box I ordered from Amazon is way bigger than I thought.
Steven: We can share it. Maybe we just skip ordering desert here.
Alysa: Thank you for buying, by the way. I know how hard you work at your grandma’s shop just to make some money, so spending it on dinner for me is so sweet.
Steven: Anything for you.
Alysa: Aww! You are one of a kind. So, where’s this gift? I need to know how bad I should feel about my lame “gift.”
Steven: I really spent a long time picking this out, I needed to find just the right one for you, because I love you so much.
Alysa: Oh my god! It’s beautiful! Yes!
Steven: Yes?
Alysa: A ring, that only means one thing!
Steven: Huh?
Alysa: I’ll marry you!
Steven: Oh no.
Alysa: Oh no?
Steven: I love you so much, please don’t get me wrong, but we’re in high school! I’m not ready to get married!
Alysa: You’re not?
Steven: Eventually, I will be. And I want it to be you, because I love you, but that’s not what this was. Oh, I’m so stupid!
Alysa: No, you’re not! I am! I should’ve known better.
Steven: Who gets someone a ring when they’re not proposing? It’s not your fault!
Tammi: I’m sensing a commotion.
Steven: Mom, stay out of it!
Tammi: I’m concerned about my child! Is that so wrong?
Steven: Alysa, please just don’t tell your mom about this.
Alysa: I’ll never be telling anyone about this.
Steven: Do you want to go? You’re crying.
Alysa: No, we’re gonna have a nice dinner. I’m not letting my stupidity ruin anything.
Tammi: What is going on here?
Alysa: He got me a lovely ring.
Tammi: You did what?
Alysa: Not that kind of ring.
Tammi: Thank god!
Alysa starts crying.
Tammi: No, I didn’t mean it like that!
Steven: Mom, go.
Tammi: Do you think it’s too late to get your father to go out to eat someplace else with me?
Steven: I don’t know!
Later that night, at home…
Tammi: Oh, what a day.
Teri: What’s wrong?
Tammi: Well, I spent my Valentine’s Day spying on my son.
Steven: And I think Alysa’s gonna dump me!
Danielle: Oh, kiddo! What happened?
Steven: She thought I was proposing.
Danielle: Really?
Steven: Yeah.
Danielle: Now?
Steven: Stop rubbing it in!
Danielle: That was not the intention!
Ralph: Well, I had a wonderful day watching Hell’s Kitchen and eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Hearts. God bless Gordon Ramsay and God bless Hershey’s.
Teri: I wasn’t that miserable. Yes, I’m lonely and sad, but that’s nothing new. I got a lot done at work and I cooked a nice meal, since Ralph was basically comatose on that couch and everyone else was out somewhere else doing their own thing.
Frank: You cooked? Why didn’t you tell me?
Teri: Why would I tell you? That would be me volunteering to spend time with you at the dinner table with only two buffers. I’m not spending a holiday like that.
The door swings open.
Karl: Oh god, what a day?
Ralph: You two look like you’ve been through a hurricane!
Betty: The store was nuts today! We had to stay open three hours late because business was booming!
Karl: We didn’t “have” to. We chose to, thus missing our dinner reservations. And dinner in general.
Teri: Oh, I made a casserole! Want some?
Frank: Can I ha-
Teri: No.
Betty: Today wasn’t as bad as it looks.
Karl: It was worse.
Betty: It was bad.
Teri: Ha! The lover of love had a bad Valentine’s Day! Maybe she won’t scold us for not bowing down to Cupid now!
Betty: I’m sorry I was so judgmental. In my defense, this is the first bad one I’ve ever had.
Teri: As John Lennon says… Instant Karma!
The door opens again.
Velma: Oh my god, what a day! Finally, I got to celebrate Valentine’s Day! And look at my new bracelet!
Betty: No one cares!
Velma: Ouch!
Teri: She had a rough one, Velma. We all did.
Velma: Maybe I should tone it down a bit.
Tammi: That’d be good.
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
