Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 3
The Tonight Show
Sam and Diane are at the airport, getting dropped off by Leslie.
Leslie: Have fun in New York, you two! See you guys in a few days! Have a safe flight!
Sam: See ya.
Sam grabs her luggage from the trunk and heads inside the airport.
Diane: Thank you for dropping us off, and thank you for wishing us well. I’m saying that from the most of us. Sam just doesn’t like to express any emotions or gratitude or anything that makes her seem human.
Leslie: I’ve worked with her for five years, I’m used to it by now. You better go catch up to her, though. She’s probably through security by now.
Diane: What do you mean? We haven’t been here for six hours yet.
Leslie: Very funny. Now go to Sam before she comes back to kill you
Diane: Bye Leslie!
Diane runs into the airport and catches up to Sam.
Sam: Where were you? I thought you were following me and I look back and you’re nowhere to be found.
Diane: I was talking to Leslie. I had to say my goodbyes.
Sam: Diane, we’re going to New York for five days. Not five months.
Diane: Still, I had to say goodbye to her. She was nice enough to drive us. It’s not like she drives past LAX everyday.
Sam: She offered.
Diane: Sam! Be grateful.
Sam: I’m just messing with you.
Diane: Did you check in yet?
Sam: Yes, Diane. I even gave them your bags. Let’s get to the gate.
Diane: Oh no! I think I left my keys in Leslie’s car.
Sam: Were you even listening to me? Like, at all? What do you need keys for?
Diane: I don’t need them, but I’m gonna forget that they’re in her car. I need to call her.
Sam: Just make it quick. I want to get there early.
Diane: What, so you can sit around and wait even longer?
Sam: Wow, you’re finally giving it back to me! I never thought I’d see it happen!
Diane: More is coming. I’m a bad biatch now.
Sam: That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Diane starts walking off.
Diane: Well, are you coming?
Sam: I guess. Let’s get to the gate.
One hour later, Sam and Diane finally make it through security.
Sam: What did we just witness?
Diane: I don’t know.
Sam: I’ve never seen so many people in one place.
Diane: We’re running late now. I won’t even get to stop for my airport pretzel! Or can I…?
Sam: Let’s just get to the gate. They have pretzels in New York.
Diane: Alright. We’ve got five minutes until our flight, so we probably should run. I’ll catch ya on the flip side, pretzel.
Sam: You’re acting insane today. Why?
Diane: I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I am exhausted
Sam: Sounds about right. You never get any sleep before we take a flight.
Diane: I’m just so excited. I haven’t had a vacation in forever.
Sam: Remember, it’s not a vacation vacation. It’s a work vacation. We have four days to do whatever we want and one day of interviews.
Diane: I have so much planned for us to do while we’re there. We can go to Madame Tussauds to see our new wax sculptures, and Ellis Island to see the place where my mom was when she first came to America, and the Statue of Liberty, and -
Sam: Diane! Less talking, more walking. We won’t be doing any of that if we miss the flight. Do you know how sad Jimmy Fallon will be if we don’t make it on the show with him?
Diane: I will pick up the pace, just don’t yell at me.
Sam: What happened to you being a “bad biatch?”
Diane: That didn’t feel like me. I had to give up on that.
Sam and Diane arrive at their gate and board the plane. Seven hours later, they land in New York.
Diane: Oh my god, that went so quickly.
Sam: Only because you slept the whole time. That plane ride was horrible. So many coughing old people and screaming babies and kicks to the back of my seat.
Diane: Aren’t you the one that insisted on sitting in coach?
Sam: I wasn’t about to pay all that money for seats that are mildly less awful.
Diane: Anyway, when is Nicolle picking us up?
Sam: She’s not.
Diane: What do you mean she’s not?
Sam: There was a work emergency, she had to go to Florida.
Diane: I didn’t realize she worked at a retirement home now.
Sam: She doesn’t, but one of her clients lives in Florida and her and some of her co-workers had to go there for a meeting with him.
Diane: Doesn’t Skype still exist?
Sam: Diane, just drop it. I’m not going to see her and that’s fine.
Diane: So are we getting a cab or what?
Sam: Yes, let’s get one and get to our hotel.
Diane: I’m so excited! This is going to be such a fun trip!
Sam: Yes, fun. That’s what it’ll be.
The next day…
Diane: Sam, what are you doing? We have to get to Rockefeller Center soon for our interview on The Tonight Show.
Sam: We’re two minutes away. We’ll be fine.
Diane: Why are you just sitting on the couch watching TV?
Sam: Because I am on vacation and I don’t like living on a schedule when I’m trying to relax.
Diane: Come on Sam, even you agreed that today is a working day for us. We were already on the Today Show and The View and now we have one more interview before we’re home free. Then you can relax however long you want to while I go have fun while we’re in a place we get to visit like once a year.
Sam: Fine, I will stop watching this episode of The King of Queens so we can get to Jimmy Fallon’s show early.
Diane: Thank you!
Ten minutes later, Sam and Diane arrive at Rockefeller Center to appear on the Tonight Show.
Cheryl, an NBC page: Hello Ms. Smith and Mrs. Ellwood, follow me to your dressing rooms. Mr. Fallon sends his apologies but he will be unable to appear on the show tonight. We have a really exciting guest host tonight, so the show will go on.
Sam: Who is it?
Cheryl: That is a secret. You’ll see in a half hour.
Diane: Thank you, Cheryl.
Thirty minutes later, Sam and Diane are watching the show from their dressing rooms.
Diane: What the hell?
Sam: What are you getting so upset about?
Diane: Fred Jordan from Freddy & William… is hosting The Tonight Show.
Sam: So?
Diane: His show is a flop and we deserve to be interviewed by someone better than the star of our low-rated lead-out.
Sam: Don’t be such a prima-donna, it’ll all be fine.
Diane: If you insist.
Ten minutes later, it’s time for Sam and Diane’s interview.
Fred: It’s time to welcome our first guests. They’re the hosts of TV’s number one show, please welcome Sam Ellwood and Diane Smith.
Sam and Diane make their way to the stage and take their seats on the couch.
Sam: Long time no see, Fred!
Fred: That’s right, we were all in town what, three months ago?
Sam: Yes, it was Upfronts I believe.
Diane: Hi Jimmy! Oh wait, you’re not Jimmy.
Fred: I know, it’s shocking I was even allowed to be on a late night show without being named Jimmy.
Diane: You were just a quick replacement, don’t let it inflate your ego too much.
Fred: Don’t worry, it won’t.
Sam: I feel very uncomfortable sitting between you two, I feel like I might get caught up in something.
Fred: We should talk about your show! So, Bake Your Heart Out is coming back next week?
Sam: Yes. And we’ve got a book out now! It has recipes from the show and antidotes about our career as a whole. It’s definitely something you can read and enjoy even if you’ve never seen Bake Your Heart Out.
Fred: Back to the show, what’s it like to be entering your fifth season? How have things changed since then?
Diane: Well, w-
Sam: We decided to start writing our book in the middle of the third season, once people started to remember who we actually were again.
Fred: Who are you again?
Diane: Haha, that is a very funny joke that I very much appreciate.
Sam: Anyway, so we both realized that we had some interesting stories to tell about our lives and careers and we started writing the book. It took a few years, but we finally finished it and we’re really proud of it.
Twenty minutes later, their interview ends.
Diane: What was that?
Sam: What do you mean? I saved that interview.
Diane: No you didn’t! We came here to promote Bake Your Heart Out and we talked about it for about 30 seconds.
Sam: At least we didn’t just spend 20 minutes awkwardly staring at Fred Jordan and making jabs at him, like you were planning on.
Diane: I was not. I was just trying to joke and be “likable.”
Sam: Don’t lie. You hate the guy and it clouded your judgment.
Diane: Well… I guess. But at least I had plans to talk about Bake Your Heart Out. Were you always planning to make this into promo for the book?
Sam: Yes, I was. I figured you could handle talking about the show and I could discuss the book, but you failed at that and it’s your fault that we didn’t talk about the show.
Diane: I don’t know how this all got pinned on me, but I know I’m gonna need to be the one who has to discuss this disaster with Leslie so I might as well call her right now.
Sam: Have fun!
Diane calls Leslie.
Leslie: Hey! What’s going on?
Diane: Yeah, our Tonight Show interview didn’t go so well.
Leslie: What, did you lose at Password?
Diane: We didn’t talk about Bake Your Heart Out at all because Jimmy Fallon wasn’t there and he was replaced by Fred Jordan and my blinding hatred of him distracted me.
Leslie: What about Sam? Why didn’t she talk about the show?
Diane: She just talked about our new book the entire time.
Leslie: What? Why?
Diane: I don’t know.
Leslie: You really couldn’t say anything about the show, you were that blinded by your hatred for Fred? Why do you hate him so much?
Diane: It’s a long story, I don’t want to get into it. But I apologize for both of us acting so stupid. We shouldn’t have done it.
Leslie: It’s done now. Talk to you when you’re home.
Leslie hangs up the phone.
Sam: So, what did she say?
Diane: She hung up.
Sam: Oh no.
Diane: Yeah, she’s extremely mad. She yells at you when she’s just mad. She ignores you entirely when she’s enraged.
Sam: Now I feel bad. Not bad enough to worry about it until we get back to California, but I feel bad.
Diane: I need to do something to make us for this colossal disaster. I think I’m going to give her a free vacation. After all, the show paid for our vacation this week. It’s the least I could do. But I won’t tell her about it until tomorrow, she’s too mad right now.
Sam: Alright.
Diane: You’re not gonna offer to pay for any of it?
Sam: It was your idea.
Diane: You’re right, it was.
Sam: Now, can we go eat? I’m starving.
Diane: Yes, we can go eat.
The next day…
Sam: Rise and shine, Diane!
Diane: What time is it?
Sam: 6:30! That’s what time you had written on your schedule for us to wake up today.
Diane: You hate schedules, you said it yesterday. You keep on contradicting yourself on this vacation.
Sam: I’m trying to adapt to your rules. Now come on! We have a wax museum to visit and a big green statue to stare at!
Diane: I’ll hop in the shower. Just let me book a trip for Leslie really quick.
Sam: Quick? You’ll never book a whole trip that quickly. You overthink everything.
Diane: I already picked out the hotel and bought the tickets to Disney and the flight. I just didn’t want to book it last night.
Sam: Alright, fine. Here’s your computer.
Diane: I’m gonna drink coffee first to wake myself up, then I’ll book it. With my luck, I’d buy her tickets to Disney and a flight to Hawaii.
Sam: Okay. I guess I can jump in the shower first.
Diane: Alright, sounds like a plan.
Thirty minutes later, Diane finishes booking everything for Leslie’s vacation. While on a ferry to Liberty Island at noon, she calls Leslie and doesn’t get an answer. She leaves a message
Diane: Hey Leslie, I know you’re mad about the Tonight Show interview, but I just bought you an apology gift. Check your email, because you’re going to Disney World! Call me to let me know you got this message!
Diane hangs up.
Sam: So she didn’t answer? Guess she’s still being a baby about it. I wonder if she’s still planning on picking us up at the airport.
Diane: She’ll probably just pawn us off on Frances.
Sam: What a nightmare that would be.
Diane: She wouldn’t be that bad, it’s a quick drive home. Better than Leslie, who’d either give us the silent treatment the entire time or grill us the whole time about that awful interview.
Sam: Speaking of that interview… why do you hate Fred Jordan so much? Your hatred of him has been intense these past few months and I know it’s not just because his show is an awful flop.
Diane: I haven’t told anyone about this. I trust you, though. So, during Upfronts this year, we were all at the network party.
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: Well, I overheard him talking to someone else and cracking jokes about my husband’s death and about me. As if I knew he was screwing his secretary.
Sam: That’s awful Diane! Why didn’t you tell me?
Diane: I don’t like to even think about Joe and any discussion of his death just makes me tremendously sad. I thought I had the perfect life and it turns out that I really didn’t. I think Stephanie still judges me for being oblivious.
Sam: Your daughter doesn’t judge you for it. She loves you.
Diane: So that’s why she moved to Minneapolis. Because she loves me.
Sam: Just because she left the nest doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love you.
Diane: I give you credit for at least trying to make me less sad. I really appreciate it.
Sam: It’s part of the reason I’m so wonderful.
Two hours later, in California…
Leslie: Frances, I just saw I have a message from Diane in my voicemail. Did she try to call you?
Frances: No, nobody ever calls me.
Garry: I call you.
Leslie: You don’t count Garry. You’re in love with her and it’s very obvious.
Garry: I am not!
Leslie: I’m going to listen to the message. At worst, it’ll be so ridiculous that it’s funny.
Leslie listens to Diane’s message.
Leslie: Wow, she bought me a trip to Disney World.
Frances: That’s very nice.
Leslie: Is it? She’s trying to buy my forgiveness.
Frances: So you aren’t accepting the trip?
Leslie: Oh, I am. But I’m not going to Disney. I’m going to sell the tickets and take a trip to New Orleans.
Frances: No you’re not! That’s so rude!
Leslie: It’s not. I’m going to New Orleans, getting drunk on Bourbon Street every night, and I’ll still have a ton of money left over.
Frances: You do whatever you want, I guess.
Leslie: I’m gonna book the first flight out of here to New Orleans. Gotta get back before the break ends next week!
Garry: Have fun!
Leslie I really appreciate your enthusiasm, Garry. I’ll bring you a t-shirt back because you are a good friend. Frances, keep this a secret from Diane and you’ll get one, too.
Frances: Fine.
Four days later, Sam and Diane arrive home in California.
Diane: I got a text on the flight from Frances, she’ll be picking us up. Called it!
Sam: When you’re right, you’re right.
Diane: Wonder what Leslie’s excuse will be.
Sam: I don’t know. What I do know is that my feet are killing me from all this walking and I can’t wait to sit down in Frances’s station wagon.
Diane: Frances doesn’t drive a station wagon.
Sam and Diane see Frances, sitting in a station wagon, as they walk out of the airport.
Diane: Oh my god.
Sam: She got it while we were on vacation. She posted on Facebook about it. She’s very proud.
Sam and Diane get into Frances’s car.
Diane: Hi Frances! Long time no see!
Sam: Where’s Leslie?
Frances: New Orleans!
Diane: New Orleans? That b-
What did you think of this week's Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next Monday for the next episode!
