Betty walks into the house.
Cindy: Mom? What are you doing here?
Betty: I just heard the most insane thing.
Danielle: The Backstreet Boys are coming to town?
Ralph: What?
Danielle: It’s my life’s goal to see them.
Ralph: That makes me so sad.
Velma: Don’t be so judgmental! Though, Danielle, it’s a new year. We need to expand your horizons.
Danielle: I think my horizons are plenty expansive.
Teri: If your dream is going to be to see a crappy boy band, at least go with New Kids on the Block. They got the right stuff, you know?
Cindy: Is that the one with Jenny McCarthy’s husband?
Teri: It is!
Cindy: I like them. They’re fun.
Velma: We haven’t yet clarified why Betty is home so early, it’s three o’clock on a Saturday.
Betty: You all cut me off before I could share the insane thing.
Teri: The floor’s yours.
Betty: So, Alysa came into the store and her and Steven were chatting, flirting, all that gross stuff kids do.
Teri: So the shocking development mom had to share with us is that teenagers are little horn-balls. Wow, that’s new information!
Betty: He said… it.
Tammi: What is “it?” “It” better not be what I think it is!
Betty: “I love you.”
Tammi: I know you love me, grandma, but what did my son say to his girlfriend?
Betty: “I love you.”
Tammi: Stop saying that!
Teri: Uh-oh, she’s malfunctioning!
Ralph: Young love is breaking her brain. Not that it was ever really in working order to being with. She is a member of this family after all, she had no real hope of that brain being in working order.
Tammi: I told him to be weary and cautious with declarations like that. You don’t just throw that word around.
Teri: Why not, you and your mother both did and it seems to have worked out.
Ralph: Another teen pregnancy, that’ll be a fun thing to look forward to.
Tammi: She’s not getting pregnant! They’re not even… I don’t think.
Teri: How old are they, seventeen? You’d better keep closer supervision on them if you want them to not, you know…
Mitchell: I can’t believe this conversation I’m waking up to.
Velma: It’s really not our fault you only decided to roll out of bed at three, Mitchell. Should we have waited until five to let Betty spill her groundbreaking, life-changing news?
Mitchell: What’s life-changing about this? So the kid told his girlfriend he loves her, big whoop. I told a lot of girls I loved them, I didn’t really mean it.
Velma: Couch. Tonight.
Mitchell: I walked into that one.
Teri: So what are we doing about this major family crisis? We locking him up in the basement until he hits adulthood or…?
Betty: Don’t talk stupid! That’s illegal!
Ralph: Is that your only objection to it?
Betty: Of course not! It’s also… it’s wrong, right?
Teri: Right!
Betty: Right as in I’m correct or right as in you think it’s right to do it?
Teri: Figure that one out for yourself.
Mitch: There’s nothing for us to figure out, it’s Steven’s life. He can figure it all out.
Tammi: Frank! Get in here!
Frank: What’s up, darling?
Teri: Darling? Are you ninety?
Tammi: Our son is telling his girlfriend he loves her. Loves!
Frank: Okay?
Tammi: I forbid him!
Frank: The heart wants what it wants! I think it’s cute!
Tammi: They’re going to get married! They’ll have children! You want to be a thirty-five-year-old grandfather?
Teri: Steven would’ve had to knock her up five years ago for that-
Frank: Shut up, Teri!
Teri: I tell you to shut up! You don’t tell me!
Tammi: A forty-year-old grandfather, then. You good with that, Frank?
Frank: It’s his first love. Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t. It doesn’t have to be a crisis.
Teri: My god, I agree with Frank on something.
Tammi: It’s just, you know, my firsthand experience… “I love you” leads to more than just saying “I love you.”
Teri: We don’t want to hear about your sex life, Tammi.
Tammi: I’m just not ready for Steven to hurry through life like I did. I love Frank, I’m glad we got married, but teen parenthood and marriage is not something I’m hoping for for him.
Cindy: I just think we’re all being presumptuous here. He’s just happy to be in a relationship, he’s never said anything about going any further than that. We need to keep calm.
Danielle: I agree. I raised three kids, they all had boyfriends and girlfriends when they were Steven’s age. This isn’t something you need to panic too much about.
Betty: But what if they DO get married? You all know who her mother is, right?
Teri: Oh, Jesus.
Betty: It’s a problem!
Cindy: I’m getting a call from Jerry, let me pick up. You continue with this lunacy, hopefully it’ll be done by the time I’m back.
Teri: I’d guess he’s asking where the hell his boss is, which sounds like a pretty great question to me!
Betty: Do you all want Anita DeFleur in this family?
Ralph: You talk about her so damn much, she’s more of a part of this family than Zeke is!
Betty: She is not!
Teri: I haven’t seen Zeke in a while, what’s he up to?
Velma: Isn’t he in Africa?
Tammi: No, he’s in Alabama.
Velma: I knew it started and ended with an A.
Betty: Anita is the devil incarnate. She exists solely to trigger me -
Teri: Mission accomplished!
Cindy: Mom, are you coming back to the boutique? The guys want to know.
Teri: Knew it!
Betty: I’m on my way!
Teri: Sounds like a lie to me.
Betty: It is not. We’ll pick up this discussion later, I just needed you to all be filled in on this.
Teri: Yeah, it’s really enriched my life.
Later that night, at dinner…
Cindy: So… how was work today?
Jerry: Fine, I guess. Still not sure where your mom ran off to, I was convinced she finally lost it completely and wandered away.
Teri: She hasn’t had “it” in several decades.
Tammi: Steven, any interesting developments for you?
Steven: No, not really. I met that congresswoman today.
Jerry: She tried to brainwash him into supporting socialism. Not on my watch!
Karl: She did not do that. She asked him if we accepted expired coupons like Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Jerry: And it’d be socialism to do so.
Karl: I am begging you to pick up a dictionary.
Ralph: Yeah, Jerry! Socialism isn’t just “every little thing I dislike.”
Jerry: Never said it was!
Ralph: Then define it.
Tammi: How’s everything going between you two? All good? Any big changes?
Steven: You mean us?
Alysa: Everything is great! We are so happy!
Tammi: So I’ve heard.
Alysa: Is everything all right?
Teri: When is it ever in this house?
Alysa: I don’t want to overstep, but I feel a strange energy around the table today.
Tammi: Everything is fine! Right, Steven?
Steven: Y… yeah.
Tammi: Great! That’s great!
Mitchell: Ah, sorry I’m late, gang! Got caught up in a catnap in the basement. Hey, why’s Tammi acting like such a freak?
Tammi: I am not acting like a freak!
Cindy: Of course you’re not! Now, moving on, how is everyone enjoying dinner?
Jerry: It’s great, honey. What is it?
Alysa: I’m still wondering what’s going on with you, Mrs. Howerton.
Teri: Christ, this is painful.
Ralph: I’d rather watch footage of the Hindenburg than this.
Karl: Tammi, something’s clearly on your mind.
Tammi: You love each other? Love? That’s a serious word!
Teri: Very serious! The Bachelor said it to three women and they damn near burned that man at the stake! And don’t even get me started on the Golden Bachelor!
Tammi: You two need to slow this down.
Cindy: Who wants dessert?
Tammi: No, you’re all going to sit down and listen to me!
Karl: Honey, this isn’t you, you’re going to be emb-
Tammi: Grandpa, stay out of this, I’m doing my job as a mother.
Frank: I’m very happy for you two, just for the record.
Steven: Mom, I don’t understand why you’re so angry.
Tammi: First, you kept it from me. Second, I told you not to say it.
Alysa: He can’t control what his heart feel, nor can I.
Tammi: Ugh, god, corny!
Teri (semi-whispering): Wow, is she drunk? She’s being so mean.
Ralph: You said that too loud.
Tammi: I heard you!
Teri: Sorry, commander!
Steven: I know I wasn’t supposed to say it, but I just wanted her to know how I felt.
Alysa: I said it first, get mad at me!
Tammi: Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of anger to go around.
Cindy: Well, this dinner party isn’t our family’s finest moment.
Teri: We’ve had worse.
Cindy: When?
Teri: Well, for one, that time uncle David came o-
Cindy: Oh, yeah, that was bad.
Teri: Also, that time Zeke got -
Cindy: Yeah, also bad.
Alysa: Should I, uh, go?
Betty: I’ll call your mother to pick you up!
Jerry: No! No one is leaving!
Tammi: Wow. Okay, who made you the boss?
Jerry: I did. Sit down!
Teri: This is amazing.
Jerry: Tammi, I understand the fear our seeing your children grow up, but you son is dating a lovely girl who is good for him and good to him, and you’re screwing everything up with your insanity tonight. Knock it off! Steven, I love ya, kid, but don’t take things too quick. Ask your grandmother, it screwed up her whole life.
Cindy: You said it, not me.
Jerry: Now, we’re all going to get along, and we’re going to enjoy our dinner that the girls worked so hard on, and then we’re going to have dessert, and then we’re going to play games, and we’re going to have a great night! Sound good?
Danielle: I was enjoying the show, how ‘bout you, Velma?
Velma: It’s been a blast.
Tammi: I apologize for my overreaction. I just worry about you, kid.
Steven: I appreciate you looking out for me, but I’m fine. I promise. I do wonder, though, how you found out. We never said it anywhere that you were.
Teri: Gee, I wonder.
Betty: It was an issue of family security.
Steven: Ratted out by my great-grandmother, what a nightmare.
Alysa: So everything is okay now? Am I allowed to tell Steven that I love him or no?
Tammi: Watch your step.
Alysa: Okay, still a little awkward, got it.
Jerry: No awkwardness here! Right?
Tammi: Yup.
Alysa: Okay…
The next morning…
Tammi: So, last night…
Frank: Disaster.
Tammi: I thought it was great, berating our son and his girlfriend and making a fool out of myself.
Frank: You went a little overboard.
Tammi: You keep your mouth shut.
Frank: Sorry, honey.
Tammi: You get why I was mad, though, right?
Frank: Not really. Like I said, I think this whole thing is sweet. They’re good together.
Tammi: He did something he knew I told him not to, and then he hid it from me because he knew he was forbidden! I’m just getting concerned about the situation, I don’t want him hiding things from us.
Frank: I know you’re going to tell me to shut up like everyone else does, but I really think the only way you’ll ever find him in some precipitous situation is if you try to keep some sort of a tight grasp on him, like your parents did with you. If you give him some free reign, it’ll all be fine.
Tammi: You’re probably right.
Frank: Oh my god! I’ve been waiting so long to hear something like that!
Tammi: That’s sad, honey.
A few hours later…
Tammi: Steven, I wanted to apologize for how I acted. I want you both to be careful, not go too far, but you’re in love, and I can’t change that, nor would I want to. You have your fun, you keep seeing her, I’m happy for you. I just… it’s hard to see your baby grow up. It’s hard to see him be old enough to be in love. I was trying to hold on to the past, but Alysa is your future and I’m happy for you.
Steven: Thanks, mom. I’m glad you’re being open-minded.
Tammi: Not the word I’d use for my recent behavior, but I appreciate the understanding.
Later that day…
Betty: Thank you for coming. We have a real problem.
Anita: I’ll say. I’m in your little lean-to of a boutique, what has happened to my life?
Betty: Our kids are in love.
Anita: Our what? Your kids are practically AARP-eligible, why is one of them in love with my daughter?
Betty: You know what I mean!
Anita: Steven and Alysa, yes. It’s a problem.
Betty: Anita, I don’t think this is just some teen lust anymore. I think they’re in this for the long haul. It’s a disaster. We’re going to be, like -
Anita: Family.
Betty: Ahhhh! No!
Anita: I know, it’s horrific. I’ve begun to come to terms with it, though. There are plenty of people in my family that I don’t like, so you’ll just be one more of those. It’s all fine.
Betty: I’m going to have to see you for the rest of my life!
Anita: It’s awful, but it’s what’s going to happen. The faster we come to terms with it, the better.
Betty: Why couldn’t they just be normal? Why’d they have to to blend the Hatfields and McCoys together?
Anita: I’m not happy either. What can we do about it?
Betty: We could br-
Anita: No. I’m a terrible person, but I draw the line at being terrible to my daughter.
Betty: Wow, you admitted it!
Anita: I’ve always been open about my shortcomings.
Betty: Your many, many, many shortcomings.
Anita: Watch it.
Betty: I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Anita: You do?
Betty: No, I just think it’s nice when they say that in the movies.
Anita: I think this is the beginning of ten to fifteen years of me having to begrudgingly put up with you before you die.
Betty: Not if you die first!
Anita: Always good to remain optimistic at your age.
Betty: You think it’s too late to force them to break up?
Anita: Believe me, I’ve tried. They’re very stubborn children.
Betty: We can trade them for the holidays.
Anita: You get Easter, I get the others.
Betty: As long as it means I don’t have to see you on Christmas.
What did you think the midseason premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
