Milton and Moira are at Patty Lynn and Martin’s house.
Patty Lynn: So, you two know the deal, right?
Milton: Yes, we’re not allowed to stay up past eleven.
Patty Lynn: Don’t be smart with me!
Milton: We’re adults, mom. We know how to watch a house for a week. We won’t burn it down.
Patty Lynn: I know you won’t, but I just want to make sure you know what to do.
Moira: We’ve read the instructions you sent us.
Patty Lynn: Okay, so glad to hear that!
Milton: Where is dad going off to, anyway? And why did it have to be when I’m on recess?
Patty Lynn: He got invited to a cabinet reunion, I believe. Tammy and Mitch are going, too. Your aunt and I, meanwhile, are using that as an opportunity to get our annual roadtrip in!
Milton: So I come home and he goes to DC? What gives?
Patty Lynn: Don’t take it personal.
Moira: Yeah, it really isn’t. This is the perfect time for traveling to DC. It’s so -
Milton: I work there, dear. I know it’s not. I also know it’s not personal, so you don’t need to feel the need to comfort me. It was just a joke.
Moira: Okay, good. You just looked a little down. Remember, you’ll always be the responsible one. There’s a reason she asked you and not Marietta even though she lives here the whole year!
Patty Lynn: She’s plenty responsible. I just asked you instead because, uh…
Moira: He’s more responsible.
Patty Lynn: Okay, fine.
Milton: It’s an honor to be given the keys to the house. I’m not exactly sure why you need me to watch your house when you have no pets, but I’ll do my job diligently.
Patty Lynn: I just need to make sure that everything is in order, and no funny business is going on.
Moira: Nothing funny will happen here while we’re on watch! Plus, this house is much bigger than our place, so it’ll be like a nice little vacation for us.
Patty Lynn: I really appreciate the enthusiasm. Now, uh, I’ll let you guys move your bags in while I go hurry my imbecile of a travel partner along. She really does not understand the meaning of a set departure time, bless her heart.
Kathleen: I hear you down there! I’m coming! Just getting my nighttime things together!
Patty Lynn: If you’d woken up before seven, you wouldn’t be running this late!
Kathleen: Shut up!
Moira: Where are you two headed, anyway?
Patty Lynn: Kentucky.
Moira: What? Why? Sorry, that sounded judgmental.
Milton: To be fair, Kentucky deserves to be judged.
Patty Lynn: I’ve heard it’s a lovely place. It was Kathleen’s pick.
Kathleen: Loretta Lynn is from there! My idol!
Milton: Your idol is Loretta Lynn? How did I never know this?
Kathleen: Unlike your mother, I sometimes allow a bit of space in the room. The sound of my voice doesn’t have to fill up every square inch of the room at all times.
Patty Lynn: That felt unnecessarily mean.
Kathleen: It was necessary!
Patty Lynn: I’ll tell you what’s necessary… you get your ass back upstairs and bring your suitcase down! If you don’t, I’m going without you!
Milton: Wouldn’t want to miss out on Kentucky!
Patty Lynn: Oh, if she’s not coming, I’m not going to Kentucky. I’ll figure something else out, but it won’t be there!
Kathleen: See, I’m ready! Was that worth getting so upset about?
Patty Lynn: Me getting upset with you leads to you getting upset, so it’s worth it, yes.
Milton: I heard it’s pretty cold up there in Kentucky, keep yourselves warm. And stay safe, it’s been snowing!
Patty Lynn: It’s cold here, dear.
Milton: It’s colder there. Be careful.
Patty Lynn: We’ll be fine!
Milton: Do you even own any winter clothes?
Patty Lynn: You’re not my dad! Stop acting like you are!
Kathleen: Forgive her. She woke up too early.
Patty Lynn: Don’t even.
Kathleen: I’d tell you that she isn’t usually like this, but she raised you. You know that’s a lie.
Patty Lynn: We’re gonna get on the road now! Don’t worry about us, we’re going to be just fine! Specially now that Kathleen can’t drive!
Kathleen: I can so drive! Just, not outside of the state of Louisiana.
Patty Lynn: That’s helpful. Now, get in the car.
Milton: Have fun! We’ll see you in a week!
Patty Lynn: We’re going to try. I’m still not sure what there is to do in Kentucky, but I’m always up for adventure.
Milton: I know you’ll find something. You’re intuitive like that.
Patty Lynn: Speaking of intuitive, I know you’re busy and Moira can’t cook -
Moira: Hey!
Patty Lynn: so there are seven days’ worth of meals in the fridge.
Milton: Wow, that’s -
Moira glares at Milton.
Milton: entirely unnecessary! My wife is a wonderful cook!
Moira: Thank you! In try my hardest!
Patty Lynn: Well, we can always take it with us and drop it off at Marietta’s!
Milton: No! We… really appreciate it.
Moira: No, Marietta needs it mo-
Milton: Leave it.
Patty Lynn: All right, we’ll leave it. And with that, we’re leaving. See you guys, love ya, I’m off the freeze my everything off in Kentucky!
Two hours later…
Patty Lynn: Where are we stopping to stay overnight again?
Kathleen: You’re not going to love this.
Patty Lynn: Where is it?
Kathleen: Please remember that I’m only doing what’s efficient.
Patty Lynn: It’s Tennessee, isn’t it?
Kathleen: Yes. Knoxville.
Patty Lynn: What the hell?
Kathleen: I tried too find somewhere better, this was just the place that made the most sense! We should get there around seven, assuming we stop for lunch and dinner. We shower, unwind a bit, we can be in bed by nine and get a good night’s sleep before we leave tomorrow.
Patty Lynn: Was it impossible to do that elsewhere?
Kathleen: We could have stopped in Alabama, but that would have meant that tomorrow was another waste of a day.
Patty Lynn: I’d rather waste a day than sleep in Tennessee!
Kathleen: What did Tennessee ever do to you?
Patty Lynn: Dolly Parton.
Kathleen: It gave us the most beloved woman to ever live and THAT is why you hate it?
Patty Lynn: I feel like I’ve explained this before.
Kathleen: I thought it was a joke! Who hates Dolly Parton?
Patty Lynn: I’m sick of everyone telling me I look just like her! I’m Patty Lynn! My own person!
Kathleen: My god. What a shallow, frankly insane reason to hate an entire state! Hating her for it is pretty nuts, too!
Patty Lynn: You just get sick of it after a while.
Kathleen: Okay. Normal reason to want to carpet bomb a state.
Patty Lynn: I never said that. I just said I don’t want to set foot in it.
Kathleen: You know what… Loretta Lynn had a house in Tennessee that’s, if I’m being honest, a lot nicer than her birthplace in Kentucky. I’m gonna reroute us, we’re staying in Nashville tonight and visiting her Tennessee home tomorrow. Then we can go to Kentucky on Monday.
Patty Lynn: No! We are not spending any more time in that state than we have to!
Kathleen: I need to prove to you that all your need is to give it a chance! Come on, listen to ABBA, take a chance on me!
Patty Lynn: You know what? We’re going back to Arizona. I liked it there.
Kathleen: We almost died.
Patty Lynn: I’m gonna finish the job this time.
Kathleen: I don’t get it. Why won’t you even give Tennessee a chance?
Patty Lynn: I’m set in my ways. Plus, I don’t think exploring it when it’s ten degrees out and snowing is really the way to make me fall in love.
Kathleen: Oh, fine! We’ll go to Kentucky like we planned and we won’t try expanding our horizons whatsoever.
Patty Lynn: I’ m not sure why you decided now was the perfect time to try to get me to like Tennessee, but I’m glad you’e given up on it. It’s a fool’s errand.
Kathleen: I just thought… never mind.
Patty Lynn: Now, let’s both be quiet for a while and listen to whatever music Sarah’s left in the car for us. Ah… Dua Lipa!
Kathleen: Dual what now?
Patty Lynn: Come on, get with the times! Broaden your horizons!
Kathleen: Says the woman scared of an entire state.
Patty Lynn: We were moving on from that!
Kathleen: I know, but I saw an opening for a jab.
Six hours later…
Marietta: So, where are you guys at now?
Patty Lynn: I, uh, I actually don’t know.
Marietta: What do you mean you don’t know?
Patty Lynn: I’m not the navigator.
Kathleen: We’re in Tennessee.
Patty Lynn: Ugh! Why’d you remind me?
Marietta: It scares me you didn’t already know.
Patty Lynn: I listen to the GPS, and that’s never failed me. Except that time it did fail, but that’s not the point. That thing was old.
Marietta: Okay. As long as you feel good about your trip, I’m not going to worry.
Kathleen: She’s in good hands!
Marietta: Yeah, that’s the concerning part. Her driving is one thing, you being her only lifeline… not so much. Just try not to break down, it’s so cold out and your bodies are not built for that. A walk to a gas station might just kill you.
Patty Lynn: Kathleen… why is that road sign showing us our distance to Nashville?
Marietta: It’s pretty famously in Tennessee.
Patty Lynn: They’re not showing the distance to Knoxville.
Kathleen: Don’t be mad.
Marietta: Oh no, shit’s about to go down. I’m hanging up!
Patty Lynn: Don’t you dare! I need a fair mediator!
Marietta: You think I’m fair? That’s really sweet of you to say!
Patty Lynn: Where are we going, Kathleen?
Kathleen: Nashville.
Marietta: Yeehaw! Sorry. Inappropriate, this is clearly a point of contention for the both of you.
Patty Lynn: Why are we going to Nashville?
Kathleen: I’m gonna make you appreciate this state. There is something of value in every state, every place!
Patty Lynn: Even New Jersey?
Kathleen: God, no! Every other one, though. Even Florida.
Patty Lynn: You tricked me. Now we’re farther from where I thought we were heading and I’m gonna get stuck in Tennessee! I’m driving and you still tricked me! What the hell?
Kathleen: I may have overstepped.
Patty Lynn: Now there’s a revelation!
Marietta: I think this is an issue for the two of you to resolve, so I’m go-
Patty Lynn: Weigh in! Who’s right, who’s wrong?
Marietta: Um… mom, I think you should try to enjoy yourself in Tennessee, experience some things you haven’t before. And Kathleen, never trick her again. I already know I’m going to have to hear about this for the rest of her life, don’t give her any more ammo.
Patty Lynn: That’s easy for y-
Marietta: You asked for my opinion, I rendered it, take it for what it is.
Kathleen: Will do, thank you the the help.
Patty Lynn: If you’re going to be stubborn on this, I’m going to have to let you go.
Marietta: Oh no! Having to hang up on this fun family phone call? Like I said I wanted to do five times already? Don’t punish me like that!
Patty Lynn: All right, you’re being a wise-ass now. I’m hanging up, talk soon.
Marietta: Talk soon, love you!
Patty Lynn hangs up.
Patty Lynn: So, what’s your game plan?
Kathleen: Fun!
Patty Lynn: Ugh.
Kathleen: You hate fun now, too?
Patty Lynn: Your definition of fun is different than mine.
Kathleen: We’re going to enjoy this night, then we’re off to Loretta Lynn’s house tomorrow and by Monday, we’ll be in Kentucky.
Patty Lynn: I thought we were going to turn in early tonight?
Kathleen: Who said that?
Patty Lynn: You!
Kathleen: That’s when we were going to Knoxville. Nothing ever happens there. This is Nashville, this is big! This is the home of country music!
Patty Lynn: You’re taking me to a honky tonk, aren’t you?
Kathleen: I don’t know where we’re going, I don’t live there. I just know we’re hitting the town. We’re taking it all in.
Three hours later…
Patty Lynn: So now we’re staying in some crappy hotel because there was nothing else available, and we still haven’t eaten, and you keep dragging me to places that are already closed because it’s seven o’clock. Man, I’m already falling in love with this state.
Kathleen: But wasn’t it so nice to see the outside of the Grand Ole Opry?
Patty Lynn: We could have gone in there, you just didn’t want to get “tied up” at a show because “we have a lot to see.”
Kathleen: We’ve seen a lot!
Patty Lynn: And yet, we haven’t seen food.
Kathleen: We’re at a bar now, they’ve got food at bars.
Patty Lynn: That’s the dream. Bar food while someone sings Friends in Low Places badly in the background.
Kathleen: Wow, I didn’t even realize they had karaoke here! We should go up and sing!
Patty Lynn: Absolutely not.
Kathleen: Come on! We’re country girls, in a country town, let’s go and sing!
Patty Lynn: Can I eat first?
Kathleen: How long does it take to eat onion rings?
Patty Lynn: I’d have to get them first.
Kathleen: Okay, get them.
Patty Lynn: You were here when I ordered them.
Kathleen: You know what? It’s been a long day.
Patty Lynn: It has, but we’re gonna push through it. We’re gonna eat our food and then go to the hotel and not complain about how annoying today was and then we’re going to sleep in heavenly peace and then we’re getting the hell out of here.
Kathleen: That works for me.
Patty Lynn: You know what’s crazy? Being in this state has made us basically swap personalities. I’m the one hating everything and being bitter and angry, like you are all the time, and you’re the one pushing me to do things. It’s wild.
Kathleen: What can I say, vacations bring me out of my shell. Apparently, they make you grow one.
Patty Lynn: I’m not in a shell!
Kathleen: Your ambitious plan for today involves you eating a plate of onion rings and then going to sleep so we can leave.
Patty Lynn: You know what? If you’re gonna make me out to be some sort of square, I’m going to have to step up my game. We’re gonna have some of that fun you keep talking about! We’re singing.
Kathleen: Finally! She’s opening her mind to a bit of fun and dislodging that stick from her a-
Patty Lynn: No, this isn’t about fun. This is about proving I’m still the same old happy-go-lucky, adventurous, wacky Patty Lynn you know and love. This is about spite.
Kathleen: Nothing more happy-go-lucky than operating out of pure spite.
Patty Lynn drags Kathleen to the stage.
Patty Lynn: Okay, I know it’s not our turn or whatever, but we’re taking the mic. Hello, folks! My name is Patty Lynn and my son is a US Senator, so I can do this! My sister-in-law and I are on our annual road trip, and don’t ask me how that tradition started because I have no idea, but that’s what we’re doing and now we’re -
Man: Shut up and sing!
Patty Lynn: You heard the man! Play it!
Kathleen: You didn’t tell me what song we’re doing.
Patty Lynn: That’s unnecessary information. You’ll know when the music starts.
Kathleen: Oh boy.
Patty Lynn (singing): Well I was born a coal miner’s daughter
Kathleen: Ooh, I do know this one!
The next morning…
Patty Lynn: Get up!
Kathleen: Ugh… do we have to leave Nashville already? It’s six in the morning, let me sleep a little longer!
Patty Lynn: Leaving? No, we’re spending the day here, tomorrow we’re going to Loretta Lynn’s house, and then off to Kentucky on Monday.
Kathleen: You want to spend an extra day in Tennessee?
Patty Lynn: Last night was fun! I’ve never been kicked out of a bar before!
Kathleen: Oh… I have.
Patty Lynn: That makes sense. But, really, I am so grateful you bamboozled me into visiting this state. It’s not such a cesspool. It’s actually pretty fun. I can’t wait to see what else it has to offer.
Kathleen: I’m so glad to hear that! Now… I’m getting another hour of sleep. You have fun getting ready.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
